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Hello! Here is my story....

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I have been married for almost 27 years but we have been together for over thirty. We have three children: 23, 18 and almost 15) I was extremely naive those first years. He was my first boyfriend and I was afraid no one would ever have me.

Those years I thought I was being the submissive wife. I thought what we were experiencing was normal. He alienated me. There was financial abuse. There was sexual abuse.....but I didn't know then.

I always enjoyed writing and I have my own blog, but I never had the support from him to write. It was a waste of time. I could be doing housework. Even if I tried writing a newsletter for our church.

When they found an ovarian tumor 9 years ago. the very first thing he thought was, "How will this affect my sex life." Wasn't concerned about me... just him. When I was fully diagnosed, he jumped on board but he was so stifling! He even made me change my blog that i was using to write about my cancer, to be about "us", not just me. When it was suggested by my mother that he was overcrowding me, he got extremely angry. 

While I was recovering from my hysterectomy before my first chemo treatment, he had his first bloody bout with diverticulitis. He continued to have issues for the next few years including major surgery where the doctors thought they may lose him. While I was in the hospital receiving chemo, I begged for him to spend time with his children. He always had an excuse not to. When he was in a lot of pain after his surgery, he told me to just go home because he didn't want anyone there. Later, when I would leave to spend time with the kids, he got angry and really nasty accusing me of not caring. I remember leaving the hospital in tears.

I also started being a media tech at church and, one time at worship team practice, he called me right in the middle of a song. When I didn't answer it, he grew extremely angry. When I tried to explain later that it would have been rude, he made a nasty comment about how I thought my "job" at church was more important than his "job".(ushering) He has made that comment a couple of times throughout the years.

In 2011 our house was destroyed in a flood the children, dog and I had to flee through water in.

Then last year I decided to buy my own website to put my blog on. I know I went about it wrong, but when he found out he was livid. He made a comment how I could never make money from my blog and writing. Ouch. That hurt really bad and for awhile I was extremely angry but, in a way, it was a good thing. It was my wake-up call to all the abuse he has been heaping on me and the children over the years.

We had been seeing a Christian couple for counseling. They work with a Christian counseling group. With our work schedules(another soap opera twist), it was impossible to see them together lately. Meanwhile his accountability partner and his wife encouraged us to continue seeing them.... he for his anger and me for my depression.

He has gone though my facebook account, my phone, my messages, my last calls, including a woman's forum I ran where other women would share things they wanted no one else to read to which I told him several times.

He would never do the exercises they gave him and they grew quite frustrated about it.

They told me to lock my phone, which I did.

Then in June he went and accused them of violating the HIPPA laws by telling me what he said. Only they didn't. For one, they also considered it marriage counseling and for two they only told me what they said, not what he said.

We had a meeting with them and our pastor where they confronted him about it and at one point he slammed his fist on the table making me jump. I was happy the pastor saw his true colors but through it all, from his lame excuse for doing it to his lame apology, he still was under the impression they would take him back. They had to tell him several times, they would not. Only me. They also told him they could have had him arrested for false accusations and slander and who knows what else. That seemed to go over his head. He was acting so much the jerk the whole meeting.

Now the pastor is sending him to a new counselor, a psychologist.

My husband told me to tell him when he is being abusive and lately has been so nice. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.

I have lost all trust in him. I want out. But I am torn between my vows and guilt and getting away. Plus there is the whole supporting myself thing. He lies to me on a regular basis. I just do not know what to think and it is killing me inside. It did not help we had to put down our dog several days ago due to cancer. That dog had provided so much emotional support to the children and I. 

I need prayer! I need advice. I need support. I need my sanity back. I second guess myself so much! My memory is so horrible my family complains about it. Dealing with fibromyalgia. Just don't know which way is up anymore.

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I have to say, it find it very hard he will change.  People like that usually do not.  For your sake, I hope he does but do not be surprised when that shoe does drop and all hell breaks loose.  Seems to me when that shoe drops is when it escalates to something far more dangerous.

I should know, one of my closest friends died because of it.

Abusers will always abuse, no matter what.  There is something severely broken in their minds.

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Boy your life has been really hard! I'm sorry you have had so much on your plate! My relationship story is VERY similar! I found more appropriate support in private therapy as opposed to church-based therapy. I'm not knocking christian therapists and pastors but abuse needs therapists who are VERY experienced at abuse. My private therapist gave me support and strength I needed. 

I would like to give a gold start to your church for believing you and supporting you and not him. My church reacted the complete opposite. They believed the lies and slander, thought I was an adulterer because of it, and said they would no support ME! I had to leave my life long church with my tail between my legs. So it looks like you will have your church's support will help. 

Go to YouTube and search for:

Kris Godinez

Richard Grannon

Inner Integration

Assc Direct

These guys will explain abuse and options to you. Your husband has been SO discouraging of you and your accomplishments that your self esteem has taken a beating. You CAN make it on your own. It's possible! I left with NOTHING but a car and I'm making it. I have learned life can be beautiful without "stuff." Peace is better than a fine house and many possessions. I was convinced I couldn't handle my finances on my own but I'm doing ok. 

Religious speak warning: 

Also do an internet search for F.O.G. which stands for Fear.Obligation.Guilt. This is what abusers use to keep us in a marriage. Also look up spiritual abuse. There are several Christians (and other religions) on this site and the guilt of ending a marriage is pretty rough. We're all in this together. But God rescued me from my torment. If I did it wrong, I believe He forgives me. I think if I did it wrong I wouldn't be feeling his blessings. But I am VERY blessed. 

I will say a prayer for you and your family. 

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