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6245

Red flag or cute?

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6245

Hi Ladies,

A guy who expressed some interest (for those who followed the other thread this is not guy #1 or guy #2) asked me out for a 2nd date.  In between the dates (eight days) he read my favorite book.  He used it as a talking point to start the date off.

I wasn't sure if I should be impressed or mildly freaked out.

Honestly, my gut reaction was to be impressed but I wasn't sure if it was a red flag either. Is that coming on too much, too soon?

 

 

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Quaddie

It's a little strong, but it might be his attempt at what he thinks shows interest. I'd see what else happens and see if there's anything else.

Personally - if it were me, I wouldn't be impressed, I'd think it was weird... but that might just be me, lol. Objectively speaking, he might just be sweet and trying to start things off that way. But yeah, just see if there's anything else weird.

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Bennu

If he's a reader and thought it sounded interesting, fine. It could also be extremely calculating like my ex. It's hard to say. Good luck.

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Melinoe

What was his reaction to the book? What were the talking points? 

For me, I think that would be the determining factor on if it's creepy or sweet. Like, did he criticize the book and insinuate there's something wrong with you for liking it? Did he present the fact that he read the book as though he felt he had done something really special, thoughtful, and admirable? Did he fawn all over the book as though it was the most incredible thing ever written and he feels more connected to you or like he really "gets you" now? Did he start an intense series of probing questions about what the book means to you on a deep psychological level, or start telling you what he thinks your love of the book says about you? Or was he just like "So I read that book you were talking about! It was cool." 

I think it's ok to be pleased by his effort to learn more about something you enjoy. But at the same time, perhaps try not to be too wowed by it - after all, that sort of thing ought to be a base-line standard and not something "impressive", right? So you can take note of this, and just file it away. I mean, you're impressed, but also unsure. So something's going on there for you. 

Also did you recommend the book or talk it about to him at all? Or was this, say, just some info you put on like a dating profile? Because if this was general information not given to him specifically and he showed up saying "I read your favourite book" as though he's doing research on you or something, then yeah, that would freak me out. 

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whitebutterfly11

To start, although it's hard to tell what his motives are at this point, the fact that you are wondering about them and trying to figure out what this guy is all about speaks of your experience with abuse and your wisdom in making sure that the people you allow into your space are not abusive in any way. It's so good to ask those questions!

It seems fairly normal at the beginning of any relationship to want to understand the other person's interests as a way of getting to know them better. And we all try to impress the person we're interested in by acknowledging their likes and dislikes. The main thing to look at for would be how it makes you feel. 

There's the love-bombing sort of interest where it feels creepy because someone is desperately trying to lure you in using your interests, saying the right words, expressing an almost gag-worthy love for you that feels desperateinauthentic, and way overbearing.

Then there's the genuine sort of interest in which a person who likes you will try and find ways to relate to you as a way of generating comfortable conversation or simply showing you they care about what you like. The key being that they don't expect anything from you in return for their interest, it doesn't feel forced or overbearing, and they can separate their likes/dislikes and opinions from yours (abusers see others as extensions of themselves, and so they can't allow others to have their own opinions or disagreements). 

All that said, it's good to be alert to any possible signs of love-bombing.

I remember dating a guy in college (I can't believe I did) who would research my likes and dislikes as well as my own personal information from places he shouldn't have (church records, for example, or he'd interrogate my roommates while I was at work about what I liked). I remember one time he was magically standing at the door of my apartment right after I finished a shift at work (I never told him what time I worked, or how long), holding a carton of my favorite ice cream (that I'd never told him--he asked my roommates), just to impress me. It creeped me out A LOT. 

Always follow your gut!

 

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6245
On 7/30/2017 at 11:26 PM, Melinoe said:

What was his reaction to the book? What were the talking points? 

For me, I think that would be the determining factor on if it's creepy or sweet. Like, did he criticize the book and insinuate there's something wrong with you for liking it? Did he present the fact that he read the book as though he felt he had done something really special, thoughtful, and admirable? Did he fawn all over the book as though it was the most incredible thing ever written and he feels more connected to you or like he really "gets you" now? Did he start an intense series of probing questions about what the book means to you on a deep psychological level, or start telling you what he thinks your love of the book says about you? Or was he just like "So I read that book you were talking about! It was cool." 

I think it's ok to be pleased by his effort to learn more about something you enjoy. But at the same time, perhaps try not to be too wowed by it - after all, that sort of thing ought to be a base-line standard and not something "impressive", right? So you can take note of this, and just file it away. I mean, you're impressed, but also unsure. So something's going on there for you. 

Also did you recommend the book or talk it about to him at all? Or was this, say, just some info you put on like a dating profile? Because if this was general information not given to him specifically and he showed up saying "I read your favourite book" as though he's doing research on you or something, then yeah, that would freak me out. 

He is a reader by nature.  I think I told him it was my favorite, though I don't remember the exact context. We were talkimg abiut books though.  He asked some good questions and used it as a way to get to know me better--what did I think of certain characters and why, what was my favorite scene, etc.  Why did I identify with the book.  Things like that.  He brought it up casually.

 

He does seem a bit like an eager beaver so I will keep an eye out.

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6245
On 7/31/2017 at 1:49 AM, whitebutterfly11 said:

To start, although it's hard to tell what his motives are at this point, the fact that you are wondering about them and trying to figure out what this guy is all about speaks of your experience with abuse and your wisdom in making sure that the people you allow into your space are not abusive in any way. It's so good to ask those questions!

It seems fairly normal at the beginning of any relationship to want to understand the other person's interests as a way of getting to know them better. And we all try to impress the person we're interested in by acknowledging their likes and dislikes. The main thing to look at for would be how it makes you feel. 

There's the love-bombing sort of interest where it feels creepy because someone is desperately trying to lure you in using your interests, saying the right words, expressing an almost gag-worthy love for you that feels desperateinauthentic, and way overbearing.

Then there's the genuine sort of interest in which a person who likes you will try and find ways to relate to you as a way of generating comfortable conversation or simply showing you they care about what you like. The key being that they don't expect anything from you in return for their interest, it doesn't feel forced or overbearing, and they can separate their likes/dislikes and opinions from yours (abusers see others as extensions of themselves, and so they can't allow others to have their own opinions or disagreements). 

All that said, it's good to be alert to any possible signs of love-bombing.

I remember dating a guy in college (I can't believe I did) who would research my likes and dislikes as well as my own personal information from places he shouldn't have (church records, for example, or he'd interrogate my roommates while I was at work about what I liked). I remember one time he was magically standing at the door of my apartment right after I finished a shift at work (I never told him what time I worked, or how long), holding a carton of my favorite ice cream (that I'd never told him--he asked my roommates), just to impress me. It creeped me out A LOT. 

Always follow your gut!

 

I love what you say up there about different opinions.  That's smart.

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6245

He read a second book I recommended. 

I also recommended a related movie, and he turned down watching it.  He said, 'I don't think I will watch that but I did read the second book.'

That is a good sign to me, no?  Because he's not just doing stuff to do it because I like it or he would watch the movie too.

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Quaddie

I wouldn't read to much into it.   <no pun intended, lol>

I feel like if this type of thing becomes a point of high analysis, it may point to a bigger issue of not really being able to trust your "radar" or your gut, or being able to develop or identify your own boundaries for yourself. 

I may not be explaining it very well... but that would, in my opinion, lead me to feel you might not be ready for a relationship yet. 

How do you feel about the book thing? Does it make you feel squicky? Is there anything that just feels "off" to you about it?

 

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Breno Cardoso Barbosa

Well appreciate his effort though and there is nothing wrong with dating that guy just be careful  and  be  observant. Be smart enough also if he takes advantage.

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6245
6 hours ago, Quaddie said:

I wouldn't read to much into it.   <no pun intended, lol>

I feel like if this type of thing becomes a point of high analysis, it may point to a bigger issue of not really being able to trust your "radar" or your gut, or being able to develop or identify your own boundaries for yourself. 

I may not be explaining it very well... but that would, in my opinion, lead me to feel you might not be ready for a relationship yet. 

How do you feel about the book thing? Does it make you feel squicky? Is there anything that just feels "off" to you about it?

 

That makes sense.  Not really,no.  It is less wierd feeling since he didn't want to watch the movie.  He told me one of his hobbies was reading on the first date.

 

Good points about over thinking.  I'm trying hard not to do that but I know that I do it and it has confused me.  I'm going to have to watch that.

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Bennu
15 hours ago, 6245 said:

He read a second book I recommended. 

I also recommended a related movie, and he turned down watching it.  He said, 'I don't think I will watch that but I did read the second book.'

That is a good sign to me, no?  Because he's not just doing stuff to do it because I like it or he would watch the movie too.

I agree that it negates the possible warning indication of him reading the book in the first place. It is hard not to overthink at first. I do it too. We know how not thinking got us into bad situations previously. It is natural to want to be careful not to repeat those mistakes.

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clurichaun

I'd read a book if I liked someone and they said it was their favorite. I love reading. I speed read too I've finished trilogies within a week before so I don't think it's weird. I'd love to be able to discuss a book with someone. And then based on how they discuss the characters I'd make a lot of judgements about them lol

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