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Dilara

Lost.

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Dilara

Hello everyone. I'm so blessed to have found a forum like this. I hope whatever anyone is going through- they get it through it with all the strength. Thank you for taking time out of your life to read my story...

I'm going to pour my heart out as this was a loooong time coming. I met him in 2013, after two years of being together we got engaged and recently tied the knot in April. I had just gotten out of a sucky relationship when we had met, he seemed like a breath of fresh air at the time. Some time went by and he insisted that we were moving "too fast", for me everything seemed normal as it had been around 2 months of us just talking, getting to know one another. Then I found out about HER.

 
Someone he had tried to date for years and years. Someone who had went to college with him and took a scholarship overseas to be a doctor as it was cheaper for her. Someone who always gave him the right dose of hope, but knew when to back away. She used him. Intentionally? I don't know but she did a hell of a job doing it. On and off for years and years. Came to the states, got free dinners, presents, went back and my husband empty handed. Always told him "it's too complicated" "even if I come back to the states, I wouldn't know where I'd get my residency".... She was right, and telling him the truth. The last time they had seen each other was about two months after I met him. They had kissed for the first time, she had gone back to Europe, and that was just the right amount to keep him around and hopeful.
 
 
He confessed this to me, told me how he had gotten over her because of all the waiting. I believed him. This was in February. She came back in May. I'm usually a very very intuitive and careful person but I could not realize that he was keeping in contact with her as we got closer. I saw that they even skyped once,  imagine my despair. She came back, he disappeared. Was telling me he loved and cared for   me, when I knew otherwise.
 
Long story short. She messed 
him up all over again, they had two beach dates and once just hung out. My husband is a car enthusiast, and she's a tomboy who happens to be pretty. So it just made sense. I never lost contact with him throughout this although he did tell me "it's not you, it's me, I need to figure somethings out" Yeah... more like you need to figure out which one of us you want.
 
Side note: My husband and I have the same background we are raised the same way. So his mom (who passed away to cancer in September) always wanted me to marry him and made it apparent.
 
Anywho! He decided he wanted me after a month or realizing that he's going in circles with this girl. And that he found me way more attractive... After 2 months of trying to get me back he achivied his goal. We were compatible. We understood/understand each other. We were always comfortable, something neither of us had with another person.
 
 
Then came the cortisone. I gained near 80 lbs because I had to take pills and injections for a sickness I had. Now i never knew how shallow he was till I started gaining weight. That should have been my red flag. Our parents forced us into what our culture calls.. "promise" and so we did it. He was unhappy, constantly asking me "when is the weight coming off" as he wasn't realizing that he wasn't the one being effected. I couldn't fit into my pants anymore.
 
And so the abuse got worse. And worse. And...worse. I came to the point where I told him I'm leaving him. With one phone call after another, he had told me His mother got worse. I mean really bad. At that point I couldn't leave him. Not then atleast. I couldnt be selfish. I stayed in the hospital by his mother's side with him, his father and his aunt for over a week. Before she passed she told me that she wants me to take good care of her son... I felt devastated. They were going to bury her overseas, and so I told him I wanted to to as well, even though I knew I was risking my new job that I had just gotten. I went overseas for 14 days. Met all of his family, got judged because of my weight, people talk in a small town. Possibly called me a sinner because they assumed we were sleeping together before marriage, whatever, I took it all on.
 
After we came back he had more of a soft spot for me. I spent near a month with him, lost my job, and comforted him and his father the whole way. We got engaged. It was so beautiful and it felt so right. I wanted to wait off on the wedding till his mother had been deceased for over a year. I told him a wedding was not my priority but a home was. We booked a venue for this upcoming fall. And managed to bring our finances together to purchase a house. We did. A beautiful house I turned into a home. We got married on paper out of respect for my family, they're very old school and would not wanted us to move in together if we didn't fully commit, he understood that since we are of the same culture.
 
Now... it's been three months. And the nonstop abuse of me gaining weight. Though I have lost 30 lbs - is getting worse each day. He treats me like poop. He demeans me infront of my family and friends. Tells me to shut up every  chance he gets. People assume im the mean one in the relationship because hes so quiet! Everyone loves him! So..the real reason that led me here...is last night. Last night He yelled at me before dinner because I asked him whose picture was on his phone and he assumed I was being "jealous" ... screamed out on a rage, called me things. I went to our bedroom where I locked the door, came upstairs to console me...found the door locked tried to break it down. I opened the door, confronted him... asked him what he wants, why he's being insane. "Who do you think you are locking a door on me in our house" "you peice of sh" "f off" "get the f out" I should have left. Just to show him that im not someone he can do this to. I should have left. I didn't have the heart to go back to my brothers (my parents are away) so i stayed. Like an idiot. He tried to talk to me once or twice but ignored him ....but I feel like it's only going to get worse. I have and will remain silent. I don't know what else to do. He cannot treat me the way he is. There are days I plan to leave him. And he is just so nice on those days. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel so lost. I can't take the mental abuse any longer. I've thought long and hard thinking maybe I'm the problem, but have come to the realisation that he treats everyone like poop. He is a shallow a-hole and I married him...unfortunately.
 
 
 

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Bennu

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We are here for you. The thing is that he doesn't really want to get rid of you. He wants someone he can treat like poop who will still stand by him. That's why he plays nice when you seem close to leaving. Then when he's more confident that you will stay he goes back to treating you badly. I'm so sorry. It hurts to be treated like that by someone that you love.

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Dilara

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to  me. I am trying my best to stay positive some days are content others I want to leave. I've told my brother about the situation. He tells me there is always place in his home for me, which is a blessing. A part of me sees leaving as giving up, another as freedom.

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