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JamesF

Verbally abused man

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blueskye

We all fought back. We all defended ourselves. And I was so wounded I sometimes lashed out first, a preemptive strike. I have found the "guilt" to be the hardest thing to recover from. I'm one year post divorce and still dealing with the guilt of what I've done and the guilt of my role. 

I know you're not the abusive one because the abusive one rarely looks for solutions or help. The more we learn about abuse the more we see ourselves In The descriptions. No one is perfect. No one.  There is also a term called "fleas." Learn about that. 

Own your part, forgive yourself and keep moving forward. 

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blueskye
3 minutes ago, Quaddie said:

Nobody is perfect,

Jinx! 

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Quaddie

Lol

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JamesF

That's what I'm struggling with. I find myself thinking back saying "did I say something that I shouldn't have said to set her off". In counseling this was asked, and the pastor also spoke about it. Thinking about it makes my head spin.

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blueskye

Take it from someone who did pastor counseling and counseling with a therapist. Stop going to the pastor.  They do more harm than good.  They like to blame both people equally but abuse is not equal. It's lopsided. They are not trained in abusive relationships. They mean well but they will harm you but for all the right reasons. And mine used the Bible to try to beat me to do what HE thought was right. And because he was personally invested in "us" as a couple, he wanted to save our marriage so HE could look like a hero. For his own pride basically. But God was rescuing me. And when I said I was divorcing he refused to support me and very much supported my abuser. I was super active in my church my entire life.from a baby!!! And they dropped me just like that. I had to stop going there since they don't support me and took away my volunteer job.

On Mothers Day I attended service there to sit with my sweet mom and he revealed FROM THE PULPIT that he feels guilt about the marriages he can't save. But he had asked me to stay with my abuser and QUOTE martyr myself. I'm not martyring myself so you have something to put on your resume! Or for your pride! 

Sorry got off on a tangent! But the point is, go to a therapist. Alone.  

 

 

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JamesF
2 hours ago, blueskye said:

We all fought back. We all defended ourselves. And I was so wounded I sometimes lashed out first, a preemptive strike. I have found the "guilt" to be the hardest thing to recover from. I'm one year post divorce and still dealing with the guilt of what I've done and the guilt of my role. 

I know you're not the abusive one because the abusive one rarely looks for solutions or help. The more we learn about abuse the more we see ourselves In The descriptions. No one is perfect. No one.  There is also a term called "fleas." Learn about that. 

Own your part, forgive yourself and keep moving forward. 

I just looked up and read on catching fleas and now it makes sense to me. Thank you for that! I needed that for sure! Its very interesting and eye opening how much it affects people when someone is verbally abused. I'm very glad I found this site, support is something mentioned over and over in books and articles. 

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JamesF
11 minutes ago, blueskye said:

Take it from someone who did pastor counseling and counseling with a therapist. Stop going to the pastor.  They do more harm than good.  They like to blame both people equally but abuse is not equal. It's lopsided. They are not trained in abusive relationships. They mean well but they will harm you but for all the right reasons. And mine used the Bible to try to beat me to do what HE thought was right. And because he was personally invested in "us" as a couple, he wanted to save our marriage so HE could look like a hero. For his own pride basically. But God was rescuing me. And when I said I was divorcing he refused to support me and very much supported my abuser. I was super active in my church my entire life.from a baby!!! And they dropped me just like that. I had to stop going there since they don't support me and took away my volunteer job.

On Mothers Day I attended service there to sit with my sweet mom and he revealed FROM THE PULPIT that he feels guilt about the marriages he can't save. But he had asked me to stay with my abuser and QUOTE martyr myself. I'm not martyring myself so you have something to put on your resume! Or for your pride! 

Sorry got off on a tangent! But the point is, go to a therapist. Alone.  

 

 

My pastor pretty much blamed us both. He actually seemed to mostly take my side, but oddly enough he said "I've done x wedding and none have divorced please don't be the first". He laughed and seemed to be joking, but it rubbed me the wrong way and it added to the pressure I feel. 

No offense but that doesn't sound like a good church. That was very judgemental of him to act that way. Sorry you had to go through that. 

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JamesF

So those of you that left... Did you find someone you're  happy with?

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tendrils

Nope James I haven't 

Then again I'm not looking .

Probably a bit late for me. I'm in my early sixties now .

I have made a platonic friendship with a confirmed bachelor neighbour however .

We go the the Theatre and concerts etc together,and talk . It's fun .

No pressure no expectations . 

By the way in my post I don't think I actually said how I left ,I literally after a snide comment and his refusal to make me a drink one morning(whilst at the kettle making one for himself ) picked up my car keys and handbag,kissed the dog and drove away .With my heart hammering. I cried for almost 6 months maybe longer . BUT I'm ok ,doing fine in fact . So will you be .

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Quaddie

Many people find that even if they don't find someone else in a short time, that it's better to be alone and not abused, than to be with someone and be unhappy.

Being focused on or concerned about having a partner can really make one a target for abuse (BTDT).  It's really best for one's health to take a big huge break and work on the self after an abusive relationship, and really get a handle on appropriate boundaries and one's inner workings, to get healthier and work on the self-issues that contributed to getting into the situation. Otherwise, there's a really strong likelihood of just bouncing from one type of abusive relationship to another, over and over again.

There are a lot of members who no longer post here, but who have found much healthier and happier relationships. 

The differences between what an abusive relationship is like and what a healthy relationship is like, are huge. And these differences really need to be studied and learned in order to be able to recognize them and operate within them. If one's primary relationships have been abusive, I believe there's not really a way to enter into a healthy relationship as it would seem very foreign and requires a whole different "relationship knowledge base," so to speak. And that, too, take time and effort.

So although yes, certainly it's possible and even likely that you would find someone you'd be much happier with - I believe that at this point in the game, although it's a common fear, it's not as important as getting yourself out and getting yourself healthy. And from there, things flow more easily.

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JamesF

Yeah you're right I just don't do well being alone, which may be why I end up in relationships like that. 

You all have convinced me of what I need to do, I'm just not sure how to do it. I feel the relationship is not salvageable there was just too much damaged done to me. She's still trying to guilt me saying "you throw it in my face every day about what I did" but tries to show affection through a hug and I find it very hard to show any affection. I cannot understand how a person can say such things, expect me to just forget it and be loving towards them and get upset when I bring up the past. Her way of thinking makes zero sense. 

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Melinoe

I can understand the anxiety and desire for reassurance when it comes to the question of future partners.

When I left my ex abuser, it was literally all I thought about for weeks, maybe months. Some of the things he had tried to convince me of were that I would never find someone to love me the way he did, that I would never find someone who wouldn't abuse me, that I was meant for him and I would never be able to find anyone better. So for quite a while these things were on my mind, these fears of "what if he's right?". I used to not understand how some people bounced from one unhealthy relationship to another, but once this all happened - I totally got it. I wanted the pain to go away, for someone to appear and tell me I was lovable and that everything was going to be all right. I was incredibly vulnerable and abusive people love to prey on that.

Now that I've been separated from my ex abuser for 4 months, that panicky feeling has subsided. I am doing the hard but necessary work of realizing I'm ok and lovable even without a partner. And like Quaddie says, if I had entered into a relationship in the immediate aftermath of my breakup, I would have had a totally unhealthy approach. I noticed that even when making new friends, I had an incredible neediness for affection and paranoia that I was making people angry. I considered myself responsible for managing other people's moods, as my abuser had encouraged in me. I needed to focus on myself, and I can't do that if I'm running around thinking I need to keep people happy in order to be loved. I had to be the person who told me I was loved, I was the one I needed to turn to. 

A friend of mine told me a very comforting message though, and maybe it might resonate with you as well. I had been talking to her about how I was trying to come to terms with the scary and painful idea that maybe that had been it for me; that had been my chance at love and even though I'm glad I left, I needed to accept that there might never be anyone else, ever again. She looked at me and said that the chances of me never loving anybody else for the rest of my life were impossibly small, because there are so many people out there, and I have already shown how capable I am of loving someone, and I am so objectively wonderful, that it is just a matter of time. I realized she was right - it meant I didn't need to panic about finding someone. It was inevitable, and it was good that I was taking the time to be single and do all this work on myself. I didn't have to rush, I wasn't going to miss the train. So maybe think of it that way, if that comforts you as much as it did me. 

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clurichaun

I was really lonely when I found mine. And I'm now at the point where I long for, and crave, solitude. I want quiet me time and some self healing before I try this again. I don't even want anything romantic for a while after being treated this way.

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JamesF
5 hours ago, Melinoe said:

A friend of mine told me a very comforting message though, and maybe it might resonate with you as well. I had been talking to her about how I was trying to come to terms with the scary and painful idea that maybe that had been it for me; that had been my chance at love and even though I'm glad I left, I needed to accept that there might never be anyone else, ever again. She looked at me and said that the chances of me never loving anybody else for the rest of my life were impossibly small, because there are so many people out there, and I have already shown how capable I am of loving someone, and I am so objectively wonderful, that it is just a matter of time. I realized she was right - it meant I didn't need to panic about finding someone. It was inevitable, and it was good that I was taking the time to be single and do all this work on myself. I didn't have to rush, I wasn't going to miss the train. So maybe think of it that way, if that comforts you as much as it did me. 

Yes it is definitely comforting. I think when all of this is over I'll be taking it one day at a time for awhile. 

I thought of something earlier, back when we were dating I noticed that she loved to find something to be mad about and run with it. She even told her friend one she likes doing that. That was my intuition trying to warn me, but I ignored it. This whole time no matter what I did she would find something wrong or would get mad at small stuff and would stay mad a couple days. It was a way to manipulate me and give her fake power over. Thinking about that makes me pretty upset.

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Confused714

That is one thing I have worried about as well. I am only in my mid thirties. I don't want to be alone forever but I do know that if things keep going the way they are now then I will always be unhappy. I do know I need to work on myself if I want to have a good relationship. I have gone from one bad one to another. I dated someone else who was abusive, then an alcoholic with tons of issues (although we never fought so it was much better), to my current relationship. I think if I do end up getting strong enough to leave I will just take some time working on myself and enjoying time with my son. Then hopefully someday I will meet someone who will treat me right. 

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blueskye
22 hours ago, JamesF said:

She's still trying to guilt me saying "you throw it in my face every day about what I did" but tries to show affection through a hug and I find it very hard to show any affection. I cannot understand how a person can say such things, expect me to just forget it and be loving towards them and get upset when I bring up the past. Her way of thinking makes zero sense. 

 Yep. That's what they do. My experience was similar. He said, "I've apologized and I'm done apologizing. It's time to get over it and move forward." Even this is abusive. They are supposed to give us time to heal and not try to control how quickly this happens.

I decided loneliness was an upgrade. And it was. 

I was so wounded I needed time alone to read books, listen to YouTube speakers, journal, etc. It was a healing time for me. And then one day, almost a year later, it's like a switch flipped and I now have a female relative living with me who is a breath of fresh air, I met a nice guy and it's so healing to be with a guy who treats me like a queen. I actually don't think he is "the one" but like Tendrils, I enjoy his company and he is a very healthy person to be around. My favorite times are when he is helping me with a dreaded chore, and he is calm, helpful, and we work together like a team. I never had that before. Either I had to do the chore alone or put up with his (ex) verbal crap as we worked together, usually ending in a fight. So to have a guy say "I'll help you with that" and he DOES, and he does it calmly, is SO refreshing and healing. 

Definitely don't leave thinking, I'm going to find a better woman. That's the wrong train of thought. Think, I deserve better, and be open to whatever, which may be a big ol dose of alone time, like I had. You're a Christian. Be open to whatever God has in store for you. It might be different that what you plan. But it will be better. 

"The just shall walk by faith and not by sight." II Corinthians 5:7

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JamesF

You guys say a prayer I'm having a little talk where I say we are separating this weekend. I'm very nervous, and Im not very good at breakups. I have no idea what will happen after I say what I say, which is scary.

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Quaddie

Don't do it. You don't need to have "the talk," it won't help and will only backfire, will leave you open to her manipulating you more, and possibly not be safe.

The "normal" rules don't apply when you are dealing with an abusive partner. I strongly recommend not saying anything until you actually leave. Then, only a brief communication or note.

You can't reason with an abusive person, or get them to understand, agree or "buy into" the break-up. All they do is use the attempt as an opportunity to abuse or try to manipulate you back into the relationship.

Abuse is about manipulation and control. 

I wrote more about this in another recent post, sorry I'm on my mobile and can't go into more depth or find the other one.

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JamesF

What I meant was I'm going to tell her we need to separate and she needs to leave.

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Quaddie

Can you leave? I forget....sorry...

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JamesF

It's my house so I could but it seems silly to. Like it's in only my name. It would make more sense for her to leave.

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percolate
On 7/12/2017 at 5:40 AM, tendrils said:

Probably a bit late for me. I'm in my early sixties now .

I have made a platonic friendship with a confirmed bachelor neighbour however .

We go the the Theatre and concerts etc together,and talk . It's fun .

No pressure no expectations .

10

Having platonic friends who share your interests can really add to your quality of life.

However, don't discount the possibility of finding someone to love in the future.  There are at least two or three admins (including me) who are in their early to mid-60s who have developed healthy relationships and live with their partners.  When you're ready, don't rule out dating-after I moved to my current city 6 years ago, I dated approximately 50-60 different men.  I had a lot of fun, learned a great deal and really honed in on what I wanted in a relationship.  Almost a year ago, my significant other and I decided to live together (he's 73) and it's been great.   And totally different from my abusive marriage!

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percolate
On 7/12/2017 at 7:02 PM, J917 said:

That is one thing I have worried about as well. I am only in my mid thirties. I don't want to be alone forever but I do know that if things keep going the way they are now then I will always be unhappy. I do know I need to work on myself if I want to have a good relationship. I have gone from one bad one to another. I dated someone else who was abusive, then an alcoholic with tons of issues (although we never fought so it was much better), to my current relationship. I think if I do end up getting strong enough to leave I will just take some time working on myself and enjoying time with my son. Then hopefully someday I will meet someone who will treat me right. 

Absolutely take the time to work on yourself.  You've identified a pattern and it will take work to break the habit/pattern.  Counseling will help you identify why you have a pattern of picking unhealthy partners, teach you the red flags to look out for, and give you confidence that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. 

The people that seem to succeed in developing healthy relationships (and don't repeat their pattern of attracting abusers),  usually wait until they've recovered from their divorce and done a lot of work on themselves.  Give yourself several years before you jump back in the dating pool.  It takes time to heal.

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JamesF

So far I have been unable to get the courage to speak up. This is hard :(

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Quaddie

Have you been to a lawyer yet?

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