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I need to vent and be validated (or told I'm out to lunch)

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I am going to preface this with I don't want advice. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it. It is my own fault for letting him creep back into my life, even though we are not together. He has continued to push boundaries and make demands. I knew he would. I am so dumb.  Why do I give people chances they don't deserve?

I had a new client in town. They were polite and respectful. They addressed him with a handshake and were genuinely interested in talking to both of us about our town. We obliged but I cut it short (not as short as I tried to though). They put on a concert that night and we got a table.  The client came in before the concert and politely stopped by our table a time or two to let us know that the concert was delayed.  Each stop was less than a minute each time and they spoke to both of us.  There were maybe 3 or 4 stops over a couple of hours of waiting while we had dinner.  By the second stop my ex was getting unsettled and his body language showed he was not interested in any more visits.  He isn't the business owner. I am. I was still friendly and helpful but not overly so. The client mentioned promoting my business and asked for my website and facebook address and I gave it.  Halfway through that stop the client must have picked up on the negative behavior of my ex (who wouldn't?) and stopped trying so hard to talk to him and just looked at me.  It wasn't inappropriate or flirting.  He was short and polite and that was all.  This was a very small venue.  The band played about 50 feet away but with several tables and even a pony wall between us.  We could barely see but it was more about listening anyway.  The band promoted my business on stage and I was so grateful but just waved and mouthed thank you.  At the end the band wanted everyone to sing along a line "we will meet again".  They asked over and over again to get everyone to sing.  I was singing but not like I would have my ex hadn't been there making a grimace and throwing a tantrum.  Everyone in the room that was not a sourpuss was singing too.  Apparently that was me flirting and making plans to actually meet the band members again even though neither of us was making any eye contact with the other!  I was dumbfounded that he thinks he is justified in believing this especially of me who has never had any history or interest in cheating in any way.  My ex stormed out and left for a few minutes. Then he came back and was mad that I didn't immediately apologize for whatever offense he imagined and feel all bad about everything.  Ridiculous.

My ex doesn't do facebook. I have no facebook boyfriends and in fact removed all males from my facebook due to his manipulation.  He automatically thinks it is always reduced to attempts at dating even though he has never been on it, he has never been with someone that was cheating on it, and even though I always showed him everything and he even made me delete old pictures off of it. He misunderstands anything and everything to do with it and assumes it's some way to cheat.  Despite the fact that I am not with my ex and I am not interested in anyone at the moment while I heal.  I am not looking or going to try to let someone date me for a while so he has nothing to worry about.  I am not disrespectful. I do not flaunt or flirt in front of him or anyone and this isn't normal behavior for me to do anyway.  I am even ok if people assume I am still with my ex so that I don't get unwanted advances.  Still my ex thinks he can possess me.  Despite his forceful denials I see it in all his actions.

A few days go by and he keeps bringing up the client who has now left town.  He is clearly disturbed and certain that I must somehow be inappropriately conversing with the client.  I explain that it is simply building customer bases for both our businesses and there is nothing inappropriate or personal.  I show him all the messages to prove it (I know I didn't have to).  He knows how to push my buttons because he knows I HATE to be wrongly accused of things and to be accused of anything seedy.  Anyway... my fault for engaging.

Text string.

Starting at 7AM today. He knows i am sleeping in on Friday due to a chronic illness.  He doesn't care.  His needs are more important.

Ex: Rose emoticon Good morning sun emoticon

Ex: Can I talk to you please.

Ex: I am sorry you are so worn out. I know you are running on empty. I am sorry that singer marketing thing bothers me. I just know he was laying on his best rap and watching you sing we will meet again did not feel good to me. I hate it when you are short with and irritated by me. You mean the world to me. I love you with all of my heart.

Ex: It is supposed to rain all weekend. I am trying to get my boat stuff together and maybe we can go fishing emoticon or car camp or something. I hope you are feeling better. I miss you.


   Me: You woke me up early. I was not in any mood to speak to anyone.

Ex: Straight face emoticon I am sorry.

   Me: I am confused that you are not distinguishing between someone who is just plain friendly and promoting their business and someone who is inappropriate. I hope one day you will find someone you can trust implicitly that will be worthy of that trust and that won't trigger default feelings of loss, fear, mistrust, or other negative emotions.


Ex: I am not to blame here. Stop making me out to be. You were staring at him and singing when you will meet again. He came to talk to you alone several times and I don't know what the back and forth complimenting each other is all about. Stop blaming me for things that are obviously questionable. Am I supposed to ignore all that? Or is it that it doesn't matter now?

Ex: I am not to blame for any of it.

   Me: Are you kidding me?

Ex: I said I was sorry for asking. Please look at it from my perspective.

Ex: What did I do wrong?

   Me: Just forget it. I am tired of being to blame for your choices to find fault in me. I get it. I'm s*** in your eyes. I'm done being beat up for it.

Ex: At least one of you seems interested in the other. Am I wrong? Of course that is your answer. I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to rub him down before he left. F*** you

Ex: Nothing but lies and bull****.

Ex: Thanks again.

   Me: Your perspective is overblown and no I was not singing to him, he was not looking at me, the entire room of normal fun loving people were singing and enjoying the concert and participating at the band's request. I was several dozen feet away and not looking at anyone in particular. The guy was being courteous and down to earth, not too good to express appreciation and work on his business.


Ex: Yah I know. You have beaten that into me despite all my efforts. i got it.

Ex: I'm sorry. I am. I am wasting your time.

   Me: I don't like the way I feel when I am with you. I am tired of being hurt and treated like s*** because your perspective is paranoid and unfair.

Ex: I thought you did. Isn't that why we spent time together still? Why is my concerns about a f***ing band member douche bag so paranoid and unfair. Do I need to list all the reasons why again? Never mind. If it disturbs what you want, I'm an a******. Funny how that works. I am tired of being hurt and made to feel stupid or paranoid because of obvious bulls***. Better get back to flirting on facebook so you can plan to "meet again" F*** YOUR BULLSH*** [chachacha]

   Me: You're going to continue to be very unhappy if you assume everyone is a douche bag out to do you wrong. It simply isn't the case and no one wants to go through life like that. You don't have to.

Ex: I don't. I'm not paranoid. You b**** a lot more than I do and seem to have way more problems with everyone. It's ok for you though because you're somehow justified where as I never am. You are a huge hypocrite on that subject. I have taken steps to check myself. Perhaps you should do the same.

   Me: The difference is reality. I actually have issues with a******s after I give them a chance. You give no chances.  You assume everyone is a d*** and no amount of proof will change your mind.

   And shame on me for b****ing about actual offenses and sharing those frustrations with my partner. My mistake. I should have assumed you would use it against me like anything else I ever shared with you.

Ex: All you do is b****. That's reality. Get a grip.

Ex: All your problems are someone else's fault. You even blame me for a lot of them. All I did was try to fix them and love you.

Ex: There is nothing wrong with my reality. I have been hurt same as you. I am fixing that and doing the best I can.

Ex: I am sorry you feel all this hatred towards me. I have been angry too. I am sorry. I know this means nothing along with all my unanswered emails. That's ok. I understand. I am not your enemy and never was.

Ex: I did and do love you with all my heart. I wish it was enough. I know that it never will be.

Ex: You made that clear in the beginning. Always giving me chances. What about the chances I gave you? Yah. I know. What chances? What the f*** ever.

   Me: Love is not control. Love is not suspicion. Love is not manipulation. Love is not guilt. Love is not hurt. Love is not blaming. Love is not mistrust. Love is not attacking and making excuses. You haven't found it yet. I wish for you the chance to do so. I will make it easier for you by leaving.

Ex: You are no one to lecture me on what love is. Your life is control of your partner. You manipulate them how you see fit. Then you accuse them of the very thing to deflect. Nice try, but bulls***.

Ex: You're a liar and you lie to yourself and whoever will listen. Bull***! Pure and simple.

   Me: I am not engaging in accepting your repeated abuse.

[Basically he has learned to parrot back to me things I have said to him about his projection and manipulation.]


Ex: I have accepted my wrongs in our relationship. I am up to my eyeballs in a serious problem. I am not abusing you and in fact most of our relationship I have not. Despite what you tell everyone. Own up to your part in all this for once in your life.

Ex: You never have to answer for anything and you never do. Completely one sided. That's what isn't fair. You have made me out to be this horrible person that you know I am not. You have tried your damnedest to convince your family and mine. I am not the one with the problem.

Ex: Just one of many things I have forgiven you for.

   Me: I don't need nor want your hollow forgiveness.

Ex: The best part of your love lecture is again, you are a hypocrite of the highest order for doing exactly all those things to me. The guilt, blaming, suspicion, and more lies. F*** you.

   Me: I didn't need to convince anyone. Your own words and actions did that.

Ex: As do yours b****

   Me: Projecting your short comings on others doesn't fix you or make your views of others true.

Ex: Lmao

   Me: Proof positive. You are unable to disagree without abusing.

Ex: Keep going

Ex: You're a joke

Ex: A hypocrite

Ex: A liar

   Me: You are a racist abusive person

Ex: A lousy excuse of a partner

Ex: Your words are meaningless.

   Me: Because I refused to bow to your abuse. Do not contact me again.

Ex: You prove it everyday on facebook

Ex: Everyone knows about it too.

Ex: I hear about it all the time.

Ex: You shunned yourself from you friends. Haven't figured that out either have you?

Ex: Lmao

Ex: Keep trying

Ex: Someone else will believe you for a little while

Ex: Leave me alone

   Me: Read this to your counselors verbatim. No wonder they chase you for more treatment. They see right through you. Transparent abusive person. You are damaging to everyone that makes the mistake of crossing your path. I am done being hurt by you.

Ex: Do you really make yourself believe this s***?

Ex: I am happy to report that I can prove because of the help I have got that I am nowhere near as f***ed up as you are. It's a fact.

   Me: Proof in your continued abuse

Ex: Whatever hypocrite

Ex: Your life is abuse

   Me: Zero change. You chose to forever be an abuser. Just because you try to hide it for a little while doesn't change who you are.

Ex: Everyone working their a** off so [chachacha] can have her way.

Ex: You're a liar and a self righteous self centered narcissistic abuser

   Me: See, you did that, not me, despite me telling you I don't want it because you abuse with it. Nothing ever comes from you without strings.

Ex: You have no room to point that s*** at anyone but you.

Ex: No right whatsoever

Ex: Nothing comes from you but hatred and guilt

Ex: Poor poor [chachacha]

Ex: Sad little woman indeed

   Me: I am so happy you have learned to recognize your flaws. Now stop projecting them onto everyone else and you might get somewhere. You cannot put your paranoid control on me. Normal people go to concerts and sing along and talk to their clients respectfully without being accused of flirting and making future plans to cheat. Maybe one day you will learn to recognize normal.

Ex: Go b**** to someone who gives a f***

   Me: All anyone has to do is scroll through this to see your repeated abuse. Maybe I should upload it all to a public website. Warn off others of your abuse.

   Me: Do not contact me again.

Ex: F*** you c***!

   Me: What a perfect cap to your abuse to further prove my point.


Ex: Goodbye c***

   Me: Keep going. I will upload it all. [myex'sname.com]

Ex: Are you threatening me again?

   Me: If you don't like people recognizing your abuse then stop abusing.

   Me: Never needed to threaten. You keep digging your hole deeper.

Ex: What do you call what you've been doing?

Ex: Why is it ok for you to abuse, guilt, project, lie?

   Me: refusing to bend to your abuse and control.

Ex: You are the one digging. I just wanted the truth from you.

   Me: Did nothing of the sort and you know it.

Ex: No one ever dared to try and control you and you know it. Lies lies lies

Ex: You're a pathetic liar

   Me: Your truth is twisted and you are the only one imagining it. Just like you said people in your past said you were waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There was never a first shoe! Just your imagination and paranoia. Just your abuse.

Ex: Go spew your dribble on someone else

Ex: Liar

   Me: You have made no progress apparently. Textbook abusive personality.

Ex: The shoe always does drop with people like you.

Ex: So where am I wrong to call it?

   Me: You are the only one that lied. Lied about love and not really feeling this way about me but what here it is again! Shocking. Showing your real true colors. You can't control it long and hide it.

Ex: I never lied. You lie. Always shopping for the next idiot.

   Me: There was no offense. No shoe drop. You imagined it twisting your view to find fault in everyone else where it doesn't exist.

Ex: You never stopped.

Ex: I never had to imagine anything You give me too much credit or your b*******,

Ex: You're a liar.

Ex: Just another liar.

   Me: No shopping not even wanting anyone in my life. I should have listened to the warnings and my gut and stayed away. I should have dropped you the first time you abused me.

Ex: Dime a dozen

Ex: Go lie to your facebook boyfriends

Ex: It has served you well up to now

Ex: Just a liar

Ex: It's all you'll ever be

   Me: You are only mad I am not weak and will not stand for your abuse. Keep digging. Every word out of your mouth is abusive. It is only going to be there forever to brand you and warn others away.

Ex: Lmao

Ex: Why are you so filled with hatred?

Ex: I only wanted the truth. I only wanted us to be happy The things I questioned I am sorry for. I know I tried to ask nicely. You hate me for questioning anything or having my own opinion. Simply because it is not yours. I have tip toed around you and your feelings every bit as much if not more so than you have mine. You just have always believed I am not worthy of you and it has always shown. You insulted everything about me and somehow it's justified. You have abused me as well.

   Me: You call asking the truth calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of being a lying, cheating slut, having fb boyfriends, making plans to meet people in the future for something illicit, and wanting to rub up against random men all because I sang along with the crowd at a concert 50ft away from the stage and not even looking at anyone in particular?

   Me: You never asked me anything. You just accuse me and if I refuse to admit to your wild accusations then I am somehow all the things you are and worse. No go.

Ex: I always asked. I accused of nothing. I stated what actually happened and why. You get immediately defensive and off you go. You can't blame me. I'm sorry I said anything. I am wrong to ask but if all this were reversed you would have plenty to say. You say something about every woman who ever came around us. You are being a hypocrite. I am sorry for pissing for you off.  You have made it clear you don't want me anymore. I am sorry. I wish it mattered.

   Me: Abuse doesn't matter.

Ex: Yours certainly never did to you. Still doesn't Heart of everything.


He has been in counseling with two counselors until he recently fired one. He has only learned how to be more savvy in his abuse and twist things to his advantage.  He has read "Why Does He Do That?" and oscillates from hatred for the author to "I am going to seek him out personally for treatment and start a men's abuse group here in town".  This is the man that told me to go kill myself.


Notice that he calls me names right away and continues to mock me and gaslight.  He likes to laugh at me.  Everything is aimed at hurting me.  He swings wildly from attacks to apologies to excuses and justifications to attacks again.


He says I lie to him because I disagree that I was flirting or making plans to meet this client again in the future.  I have ZERO plans to ever see that client again. The nature of my business is often one interaction and not repeat business.  Nothing was untoward.  Nothing was hidden.  Nothing was inappropriate.  I showed him everything.


My ex claims every other person he has ever been with has cheated on him.  He is the man that will not make friends or stay friends with anyone because he is sure they will eventually do something to end the relationship.  Over the holiday a coworker he has claimed to like in the past invited him over.  I encouraged him to go but he declined saying the guy probably just wanted to gossip about him at work.  I was surprised.  I pointed out that he had socialized with him in the past and I asked if the man had ever done anything like that before.  He said no.  He completely imagines that everyone will be a problem eventually so he looks for it and creates it.


He twists everything.  He says I insult him when I am actually showing concern for his health.  He has a dowager's hump and I think it contributes to his shoulder pain so I have tried to help him get it treated.  He says I am making fun of him to point it out.  This is the man that when I have a zit will stop mid sentence and grab my face and examine it in public and try to make me feel very self conscious about it.  The thing about me saying anything about other women is total bs.  He has had strange women come to his house while we were there or come up to us while at a restaurant, running up to hug him.  I had no issue with it and trusted him. He told me who they were and it was fine.  I later explained how if that had happened with me and a man, he would have lost it.  He now says that is me "having something to say about every woman". His last girlfriend from 7 years ago also CALLED ME AT 4AM while we were together.  I did not blame him because of her crazy.  He blames me for pointing out that if that had been reversed he would have accused me of cheating and lying.  Of course he doesn't see it this way.


He is so exhausting. There is no discussing anything rationally with an irrational person.  I can't do any of this anymore. It is pointless and only hurting me.  I just want him out of my life.  I cut him out for a few weeks and he weaseled his way in.  No more. I am not dancing with this devil anymore.  I owe him nothing.  He deserves no more of my strength and attention.

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You will never have a satisfying conversation with him. Stop engaging. The best thing for you is to stop thinking about him and live your own life.

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You are right of course. This is the man suspicious that I must know pilots in random float planes flying overhead to land on the water the City fronts because they had to circle to land. 

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I totally understand that need to defend yourself. Mine always would use that against me knowing if I was a accused of something I'd argue back until I was screaming at him and then "Tada!" I'm being abusive. I still live with mine and have to interact. I keep waiting for the right time to get out. He's being as nice as possible since he knows I dumped him ages ago but he still hopes my silence means we're still together. He still gets antsy about facebook and if I'm running 4-5 minutes late. If you don't have to talk to him don't. If you can cut him off completely do it. He knows the accusations work. I stopped responding to the accusation thing, I stopped fighting back and would ignore the accusations and sit there silently. It drove him crazy but he'd switch topics desperate to get ANY response. I guarantee you yours will do the same. I started responding to everything with "fine you're right, i don't care anymore I just want you out of my life". Probably would have worked way better if he would actually move out cuz now he's pretty much squatting and used guilt to stay for a while and I'm going on a year of waiting now :raincloud:

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I hear you. It has been great getting him out of my life. I posted in the main forum how he is still trying to point fingers at me and of course trying to justify his behavior. Not gonna engage. He can just keep believing I am a horrible person. That's fine with me. I know what he is.


The bad thing is that I feel bad for not wanting anyone to ever be with him. I used to think well he's learned, he'll be better to the next one. He tried to convince me he is better for me now. Um, if you could have done so, why didn't you when you had umpteen chances? Now I know it is who he is at his core. I want no one to be his next victim but I won't give him the satisfaction of being the crazy ex that outs him publicly. If someone asks, I will gauge whether or not they are fishing or truly asking. If they are truly asking, they will get the truth. Run away, he will hurt you. And that is all. 

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He is your ex. Even if you DO go on at date, it's no longer cheating. This, to him is ALLLLLL about you cheating on him right now. But it's impossible to do that if he's your ex. You can date. He is free to do the same. He is all up in your head. He is messing with you and enjoying it. 

Best to cut of contact with him. 

Do not feed the Narcissist.

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On 8 July 2017 at 11:35 AM, Bennu said:

You will never have a satisfying conversation with him. Stop engaging. The best thing for you is to stop thinking about him and live your own life.

This is such great advice. It really is that simple. 

There are tons of other people in this world to spend your time with. 

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