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blueskye

Starting to date again. Opinions welcome.

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blueskye

I've been divorced one year. I started dating a guy a few months ago and he seems so perfect. He's a healthy person. He's respectful, helpful, kind, generous, patient, everything you could ask for. I've met his child and we like each other as well. He is also divorced. It's been several months and even if I dig, I cannot find a bad word to say about him. 

But...

There is no spark.

He's great! But I have no desire to kiss his face. He told me he loved me and I was a bit scared by that. Mainly because I now realize we are at a level where I can hurt him if we break up. I'm not sure what to do with this relationship. Right now we enjoy each other's company and have similar interests. We discussed it a little and decided we are both newly divorced and need a friend so we will be friends. I thought we were on the same page but he tries to kiss me and told me he loves me. So maybe he's moving faster than me. I have waited 4 mos for a spark. He has done zero wrong. In fact, he is the kind of guy I am looking for! These kinds of guys DO exist! Why don't I feel more attracted to him? At what point do I break it off? Is it because of my abuse? I don't associate him with my past at all. I respect that he is a totally different person than my abuser and I don't hate all men. 

I had a brief crush (I sound 12 LOL!) on a guy who things didn't work out. There were sparks flying all over the place. So I know I am capable of sparks. Help me know what to do with new guy.

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Bennu

Good questions. I don't know. I'm newly dating too. No sparks yet. I think I'm too afraid.

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blueskye

Congrats. Is he nice too? I get that "I'm not used to nice guys." But it's refreshing and I enjoy him. As a friend.

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Bennu

I've had a number of coffee/a drink kind of dates. It's interesting out there. One seems worthy of more dating, but he's younger than I am. We'll see what happens. One is being too pushy. I think it's almost lights out for him. Another has a couple of women who have manipulated him into giving them free rent. Not a can of worms I want to get into. I found a meet up group of older folk who like going dancing. That's fun and non threatening. That's more my speed for now.

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Melinoe

I think it is important to listen to your instincts. And your instincts are saying "Nah". And that is ok! It doesn't mean there is something wrong with him, or you - that you're too damaged from bad relationships to appreciate nice, decent men. Sometimes, that attraction is just not there, despite all the good intentions.

This might make me sound very promiscuous, but when I first started online dating, I kissed a lot of guys.  And like you, I often did not trust my own physical reactions (or lack thereof) because I was "damaged goods". I had experienced sexual abuse, so I thought maybe I just didn't know what attraction even felt like. So if a guy was nice, surely that should be enough and it was ME that needed to change and give people a fair chance.  But I quickly realized that no matter how cool a guy might be on paper, how he checked off all the boxes in terms of "what I was looking for", if I couldn't get into kissing him, it wasn't fair to keep at it hoping my body and heart would suddenly react. At times I'd be sitting there kissing someone, acutely aware of every sound, not having a good time at all because I was trying so hard to ignore myself and give the connection a fair shot. And I felt awful about it.  It wasn't fair for me, or for them! I remember suddenly realizing - imagine if I was with someone who was thinking this way about me....that I was "ok", but it just wasn't happening for them and they were forcing themselves to keep trying me out to see if their feelings would change. How awful that would feel! You deserve sparks, someone you are excited about, and so does he. I understand how hard it is to trust your own reactions though :( After 4 months I'd say your intuition is telling you something. This isn't just a knee-jerk reaction. 

 

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Bennu

It was like that with my ex. He did a good job pretending to be a really good guy but the feelings weren't there. I felt things but it didn't feel real between us. It didn't feel reciprocated although he said all the right things. With past loves I felt and understanding to the point that I knew when they were going to call me on the phone or what they wanted to do that weekend. I never felt that way with him. I kept thinking it would come with time. Maybe when the feelings aren't there it's because he's not feeling them. Maybe he's not even capable of feeling them and that's why you aren't. I think that was what was going on in the early days with my ex and I didn't recognize it.

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6245

I don't know.  I started dating immeadiately after my divorce was final about a year and a half ago (but we had been separated for over two years, and truly separated at that, not living anywhere near each other, and I had had counseling/therapy during that time as well and didn't date during that time despite others saying I should).   I'm seeing one man consistently right now but when we first started dating I went out with some other guys.  It certainly is interesting out there.  I hate dating actually to me it is a means to an end.  My counselor said something interesting when we were discussing dating.  She said, you want to at least kiss him once if you think you might like him, to see if you like him touching you.  I thought it was smart.  And maybe true.  Granted, I don't have a lot of experience kissing different people hahaha!  But I know I do enjoy kissing the guy I am currently seeing.  ;)  So perhaps a little peck on the lips wouldn't be terrible.  You might know for sure then.  I did go out with one guy long ago and I was so ICKED OUT by the kiss on the second date I had to go home and brush my teeth because my lips felt sticky and gross and I just watned it off me.  Obviously I didn't see him again.  It was just a gut reaction, like, no thanks!  But don't do anything you're uncomfortable with.

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percolate

If the spark isn't there after 4 months, it's unlikely to be there. Especially if you can't imagine wanting to kiss him.  I dated a couple of guys for 4-6 months and while they were great people and great to have as friends, I just couldn't get interested in them romantically.  One has left the area and the other guy, even though it's been over a year since we went out, I know I could call him up and ask a favor, just as he could me.  We don't have any contact, but he felt comfortable when his sister had a medical problem that fell in my area of specialization, to ask me if she could call me for advice.  I have never met his sister, but was happy to help out.

Friends are good things to have, although it sounds like he may not be content to remain just friends for too much longer.

After moving to Atlanta 7 years ago, I probably dated 60 different guys, most of them only once.  They were all decent, educated, and nice guys but either I felt no spark, or they felt no spark.  Only a handful were interesting enough to date more than once and only one or two were worth kissing. 

I now live with someone I met in DC before I moved to Atlanta.  There was an immediate spark on both of our parts and a deliberate attempt to lay a solid foundation of friendship before we became intimate. That friendship survived my move (work-related) and when he retired last fall and move to Atlanta, we resumed a romantic relationship. 

Both of us learned a lot by dating other people over a six-year period.  I definitely learned it was worth waiting for someone who stimulated me intellectually, emotionally, and physically.

Give yourself time-decent guys are out there.  If a nerdy professor in her early to mid-60s can find 50 or 60 different guys to date over 6 year period, I'm sure someone younger will have lots of choices and opportunities to find someone who really turns you on. 

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6245

It depends.  I tend to be careful of "the spark."  My ex-H and I had TONS of physical spark/chemistry.  But he was a donkey.  And we are divorced now.  For me, the spark is more of a secondary thing and attraction can grow. It really takes TIME for those thigs, and for me, a lot of it.  The guy I've been seeing I've been seeing for a year and were taking it very slowsly. I dont believe in "romance" though.  Im a big friendship=intimacy=romance.  But it is an individual thing for sure.  But I have also turned down men because I knew I would never, ever have physiv cally attracted to them.  it's a nuanced thing.  Percolate I love your story. :)

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blueskye
On 6/23/2017 at 7:32 AM, 6245 said:

I tend to be careful of "the spark."  My ex-H and I had TONS of physical spark/chemistry.  But he was a donkey.  And we are divorced now.  

My story is the same and, that is what I've been thinking. That maybe I should do things completely different this time. But if I don't want to kiss him, that's not fair to him. It's just going down a dead end street. But I hate to lose his friendship. My female friends are very busy and don't like the same activities I do. The one friend who likes the same activities lives a plane ride away. :( But I feel the need to set him free to find someone more perfect for him. And maybe me find someone more perfect for me. 

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