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hoping

What? I want to scream!

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hoping

For the last week or so my husband has been asking me if I did so or so. He ask if I left his computer case open. I said yes before I thought about how he probably had taken it to work that night. I knew he wasn't happy with me, and then I ask him if he had taken it to work, to which he said yes. I then told him that I had been in it earlier for the cord but didn't I didn't touch it since he brought it home, so I told him he could gripe at himself instead of me. There were several other things I can't remember right now, but he would joke and say well I'll blame it on you anyway. This has really been aggravating me. I am so sick of hearing him blame me even jokingly for things I didn't do, his angry and critical tone is bad enough when I have done it. Today when I was trimming his hair he said he wished I would touch him more. I told him if he would quit blaming for doing things, then I might. He said that he wasn't perfect and I shouldn't expect him to be. What? Did he not get what I was saying to him? I wish I would have said, " If you would quit being so hateful to me when I do things or when I don't do things and you think I have then I might touch you more. Either he didn't understand or he is telling me that I shouldn't expect him to try and be nice to me because he is not perfect. If he did understand, he could at least say I will try. If this is what he is saying, this is not right. So, he is saying I am being unfair to him, for expecting him to treat me nice. When he gets angry at me for doing or not doing things I feel like it is like a chicken that is pecking at me. It's like a chicken that will peck on me and then stop, then again, then stop. He does this same aggravating thing over and over again. Thanks for listening

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lizzibethak

As long as you abide in the same space, you are emotional fodder for him............any interaction with him is "fuel" to keep talking, taunting, blame shifting, minimizing, "picking", etc.  

And "fun" jokes are never really funny............they are meant to put you in your place as his subject.

Stay strong and work your way closer to getting out.............

 

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Quaddie

I agree entirely with your perspective on the situation. Also, false accusations are a special pet peeve of mine >:(  . Very upsetting.

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whitebutterfly11

It takes an incredibly entitled person to treat you in such a demeaning way and then expect you to turn around and offer him affection. :(

Gross. He's gross. 

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blueskye

I love your chicken analogy. I say something similar. 

Someone scratches you. Ow that hurts. 

Someone scratches the same spot 15x. STOP! That REALY huts and now I'm pissed. 

They're still scratching the same spot and now the skin is damaged. I'm HURT now, bleeding, mad and get away from me!

They just point their finger like they MIGHT scratch you and you flip out on them and defend yourself to an extreme! Do NOT get near me!

 

This is emotional abuse in a nut shell.

 

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Bennu

Mine used to act like I was expecting him to be perfect too. I would have stayed with even half decent behavior. (Though I'm glad now I didn't) He couldn't even manage that. I guess for them, half decent is so hard that it feels like perfect. 

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Vickeee

I've also heard the perfection argument. There's a lot of room between putting in an effort and perfection. There's a big difference between putting in a genuine effort and trying to manipulate a situation.

Abusive behavior isn't exactly something that makes someone want the closeness of any kind of touch.

I'm sorry you're being treated this way.

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Fluffyflea

I got to the point I wasn't interested in physical intimacy anymore because of all the nonsense.

I remember when we went somewhere last summer and he had a melt down at me (one of many) and told me we were done and he was going on like an idiot and we are down in Maryland so I couldn't get away from him. Anyways I just ignored him and walked away, well I was laughing too because he was so moronic, anyways after that stupidity he has the nerve a day or so later to say to me "You haven't kissed me the whole time we've been here."

Duh, the crazy train never stopped and he always had this way of trying to ruin any vacation we ever went on.

But I outwitted him on that because I wouldn't get into anything with him and I'd carry on and have a good time anyways. Idiot!

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Bennu
1 hour ago, Fluffyflea said:

d he always had this way of trying to ruin any vacation we ever went on.

Mine too. I would have kept trying but the kids refused to go anymore.

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Fluffyflea

And I think he used to do it because it was what was mentioned here the other day "Reactionary Abuse" he was trying to set me up to have a meltdown in front of his friends so I'd look nuts and he'd look lovely ????

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blueskye
8 hours ago, Fluffyflea said:

the crazy train never stopped and he always had this way of trying to ruin any vacation we ever went on.

Mine also ruined vacations. He once screamed at me at the beach in front of ...America! Classy! Another time we were separated at trying to work things out. He saw me 2 hrs a week and managed to pick fights and be angry. Or he would pick on and criticize every move I made. Dude! If you can't even keep it together for 2 hours! Sheesh! And you want me to come home? 

Go ahead. Blame the divorce on me. It's all my fault. 

Crazy train, indeed!

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Fluffyflea

Crazy,crazy,crazy.

 

I have a question, did any of your Abusers drive fast?

I remember driving 70miles an hour on a motorcycle through a 30 mile an hour zone and him telling me oh there's something wrong with the speedometer.

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blueskye

One scary car ride he was livid. He kept driving faster and faster and faster. We were on curvy mountain roads. The air conditioning kept getting colder and colder and the rock music got louder and louder. I was truly scared. 

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Fluffyflea

Ugh!!!!!!

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Quaddie

One incident in the middle of nowhere with driving extremely fast and recklessly in the middle of the night, because he was angry (because I'd gotten hurt I think? helping HIS friends put their folding chairs away after their wedding? which itself is weird)...   

That was one of the only 2 or 3 major red flags I'd had prior to marrying him.

He never did it again, either. But it was a horrific experience. Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, wooded areas, prior to cell phones, driving like a demonic madman... 

 

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Vickeee
On 6/10/2017 at 6:08 PM, Fluffyflea said:

Crazy,crazy,crazy.

 

I have a question, did any of your Abusers drive fast?

I remember driving 70miles an hour on a motorcycle through a 30 mile an hour zone and him telling me oh there's something wrong with the speedometer.

Yes! Both of them were incredibly frightening/fast drivers. One had a tendency to go 75 in a 35mph zone. Both were very aggressive drivers

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hoping

lizziebethak

 Your are right, as long as I stay he will continue to aggravate me. He slows down for awhile, then he is back to it again. 

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hoping

Quaddie 

He can be such an angry impatient person.

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hoping

whitebutterfly

Yes it does, Of course as you saw I question myself about if he meant it that way. I plan on asking him when I am reading to deal with what he might say. 

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hoping

blueskye

Yes that is how I feel. When he does it over and over again it really gets to me.

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hoping

Bennu

That makes a lot of sense. They seem to think it is so difficult. 

Vickeee

Thank you saying that. 

Fluffyflea, I hardly ever want intimacy. Mine has driven crazy to get back at other drivers. He also has embarrassed me in front of friends and family and my daughter and I didn't want to go with him business/vacation to Disney World one time because he was such a pain.

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Melinoe
On 6/9/2017 at 1:16 PM, Bennu said:

Mine used to act like I was expecting him to be perfect too. I would have stayed with even half decent behavior. (Though I'm glad now I didn't) He couldn't even manage that. I guess for them, half decent is so hard that it feels like perfect. 

Bennu, I know just what you mean. It is really quite tragic, isn't it, that the elusive "cure" for abuse that an abuser will never be able to reach is just...being nice. Something that they are capable of because most of them are functional human beings outside of the relationship! I once told the ex literally ALL he had to do was treat me with respect. Treat me like a friend, or even a co-worker. Like, use the same rules of conduct. Don't call people names, don't yell, don't use suicide threats, don't make others responsible for your reactions - like he is perfectly able to do with seemingly anybody else. THAT WAS IT, that was the big secret to "making me happy" that he was close to killing himself over because he couldn't figure it out. What a stupid waste. 

 

On 6/9/2017 at 8:01 AM, hoping said:

For the last week or so my husband has been asking me if I did so or so. He ask if I left his computer case open. I said yes before I thought about how he probably had taken it to work that night. I knew he wasn't happy with me, and then I ask him if he had taken it to work, to which he said yes. I then told him that I had been in it earlier for the cord but didn't I didn't touch it since he brought it home, so I told him he could gripe at himself instead of me. There were several other things I can't remember right now, but he would joke and say well I'll blame it on you anyway. This has really been aggravating me. I am so sick of hearing him blame me even jokingly for things I didn't do, his angry and critical tone is bad enough when I have done it. Today when I was trimming his hair he said he wished I would touch him more. I told him if he would quit blaming for doing things, then I might. He said that he wasn't perfect and I shouldn't expect him to be. What? Did he not get what I was saying to him? I wish I would have said, " If you would quit being so hateful to me when I do things or when I don't do things and you think I have then I might touch you more. Either he didn't understand or he is telling me that I shouldn't expect him to try and be nice to me because he is not perfect. If he did understand, he could at least say I will try. If this is what he is saying, this is not right. So, he is saying I am being unfair to him, for expecting him to treat me nice. When he gets angry at me for doing or not doing things I feel like it is like a chicken that is pecking at me. It's like a chicken that will peck on me and then stop, then again, then stop. He does this same aggravating thing over and over again. Thanks for listening

On 6/10/2017 at 8:08 PM, Fluffyflea said:

Crazy,crazy,crazy.

 

I have a question, did any of your Abusers drive fast?

I remember driving 70miles an hour on a motorcycle through a 30 mile an hour zone and him telling me oh there's something wrong with the speedometer.

Fluffyflea, yes, the abuser drove fast. It made me very nervous driving at night with him - where he lived, the roads were rural, unlit at night, and twisted and turned sharply. He said he knew them really well and we would just barrel down them at top speed at night, sometimes in dangerous conditions - thick fog or slick with rain. Sometimes he was drunk, too. I'd express my concern but then he'd say he did it all the time, no big deal. It's that sense of entitlement. They think they know better than speed limits, speedometers, safety rules, laws, etc. They are special. 

Ah Hoping, I messed up the quoting function here, sorry for the mess!  You are NOT being unfair by asking for someone who supposedly loves you to treat you nicely. That whole "I'm not perfect!!" response is a classic way of shifting the issue. Like, of course none of us are perfect, that's not the point. The proper response would require him admitting that you are feeling hurt and it is his fault and that he needs to change his behaviour - and this is like a death-threat to an abusive person. God forbid they have to examine their own actions! 

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Bennu

Mine didn't drive fast. What he would do is speed up when pedestrians of other races would cross the road in front of him. He thought it was funny to nearly miss them as they scrambled to get to the other side safely.

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Over and Out
6 hours ago, Melinoe said:

Bennu, I know just what you mean. It is really quite tragic, isn't it, that the elusive "cure" for abuse that an abuser will never be able to reach is just...being nice. Something that they are capable of because most of them are functional human beings outside of the relationship! I once told the ex literally ALL he had to do was treat me with respect. Treat me like a friend, or even a co-worker. Like, use the same rules of conduct. Don't call people names, don't yell, don't use suicide threats, don't make others responsible for your reactions - like he is perfectly able to do with seemingly anybody else. THAT WAS IT, that was the big secret to "making me happy" that he was close to killing himself over because he couldn't figure it out. What a stupid waste.  

I had the same conversation with my X.  I would have stayed for life if he could just have managed to perform basic politeness, rather than hostility.  (Glad I am not short changing myself now!) 

X would gloat about positive customer reviews which said how friendly and polite he was, while treating me with rudeness, contempt and cruelty.  When I asked him to just treat me like any other person, or with basic human politeness, he would tell me I wasn't human or I wasn't a person.

I look back and see that he really didn't see me as a person, just his thingy to manipulate.  Him taking the veil off like that makes it much easier to resist hoovers now.

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blueskye
33 minutes ago, Over and Out said:

he would tell me I wasn't human or I wasn't a person.

Seriously? That's horrible!!! 

Mine also had a customer service type job and I begged for him to treat me like the customers. He would great the customers with a hello. He saw no value in greeting me with a hello. He opened the door and started fussing right off the bat. I dreaded his return home every day! I told him over and over how important that greeting was to me. He would greet the dog, the child, and the cat...and skip me! 

And although I worked F/T our whole marriage, he said my job didn't count and I wasn't allowed to be tired from work because MY job was easy and HIS job was hard. He acted as if I had been out shopping all day and owed it to him to scramble to meet all his needs when he got home. He would also fuss about the condition of the house as if I was supposed to magically clean it from work. Without hiring a service...cause we can't afford that. It boiled down to the fact that he didn't respect my work as "work." But his work was valid and tiring. 

And I told him this over and over, the customers got the best him and I 'got it' when he got home. This is SO backwards because those customers are fickle and at the end of the day they really don't matter. He was supposed to have a future with me and should have invested in ME in US! If he doesn't have it in him to be nice to everyone, why do strangers get the good part and I get the bad part. This pissed me off to no end! 

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