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Disco

... Just in case any of you were ever wondering, IF they (an abuser) ever changes ...

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Disco

... they DO NOT. Or at least, mine has seemingly NOT. 

 

I have gone to write this post a few times recently, but here goes nothing .... :)

 

I am an old Member of this Forum (and other Forums like it) from many, many years ago. I never thought I'd even be back on this Forum ever again, but something deep within me compels me to write here again. Even if it is only to get it off my chest, and even if this post only serves to help but one person. Not even sure what old Members still post here as I have not checked as yet .... 

My Brief Backstory: I live in Australia and had an approx; 15 year on and off again relationship with an emotional, verbal and physical abuser. I found the old Cat b ox (Abuse) Forum run by Dr Ir ene (I think it is now defunct) during a period of complete desperation when I was trying to find and fight my way out of a very violent and destructive relationship. I came across it when I was searching for answers. It was during an extremely dark period of my life. 

Cut to now: After ooooh about 12 years of No Contact whatsoever, my abusive ex, in his infinite wisdom (yeah right! LOL), decides to contact me through Facebook. It was completely out of the blue. I know he has since married and has 2 children with her, and as far as I am aware, they are still together. I had cut ties with all of our mutual friends back in Sydney many moons ago, as that felt right for me to do at the time. I had seen his profile appear on my "People You May Know" list, but I was NEVER going to contact him again! We apparently still have a link from the past through me reconnecting with old friend/s on there, OR, he just decided to look me up. Regardless, after almost throwing up my guts for half an hour after getting his message, I thought I would do the *right* thing and let bygones be bygones and reply to him. I remained civil (even jovial) in chat, and so did he (to be fair) ... and to cut a very long story short - after a few short but sweet exchanges over a couple of weeks, he clearly got (or did not get) what he wanted (whatever that was), he then promptly Blocked me for no reason! WTH!?

People - do yourself a favour, leave the past in the past if you do manage to get out of an abusive relationship. If they do ever contact you again through social media or whatever, block them. I know many people do remain in, and they may have continuing ties that bind them forever (like children) but that was not for me, in the end, it was not be as I made other choices. The abuse basically sent me bonkers and I still deal with the negative effects of it all to this very day. I should have cut my losses years before actually, but it is what it is. 

I have been seeing the same Therapist every now and then, through Victims Of Crime, over the years (from the time we parted company back in about 2003, but contact with him dragged out to about 2005 I think it was). So Therapist says: "So, D, what are you going to do if he should contact you ever again?" Me: "Err, block him!" .....

 

... stick a fork in me, I am well and truly done THIS time! UGH! They simply do not change - the Control issues etc are all still there it appears. I am far from being a perfect human being, and not sure what life has in store for me in future, but one thing is for sure, I never want him in my life again regardless of any enduring feelings I may still have for him. 

 

Cheers,

D. 

 

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Vanilli

Yep, they really do not change, only once you are out do you see what a sick psychopath they were. I got out - it was so hard but I did it. I got EMDR therapy and it has been wonderful - it's really helped heal a lot of the trauma for me. Get out, get to therapy, get your life back on track :). 

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lizzibethak

Disco............good for you that you're back to your safe space.  No judgement here because we can all be tempted to revisit the past thinking we are taking the high road and giving people the benefit of the doubt.  When I hear how my XH seems to be managing his anger and judgmental persona, I start to think that maybe I wasn't the "right woman" for him because he appears to be growing and changing.............but since it's all "him" doing the work to change, I just don't think it's sustainable......he would never see himself as needing counseling.

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blueskye

You're right. They do not change. Congrats on 12 years no contact. I understand the temptation to maybe try to put the past behind you and just be friends. Some couples can do that. But I think neither of them are narcs. Thanks for the heads up.

I have been no contact for a year. Our young adult son chose to live with his dad, my ex. Recently when he was over to visit his phone rang a really loud odd ringtone. He silenced it and then quickly texted the caller. I knew exactly who it was. His dad. I know because I used to also have a very loud ringtone just for him because he fusses and you for not answering him! So my son is living my old nightmare. And also, the ex hasn't changed one bit!!! This is proof. My son quickly answered him via text. Sometimes if you didn't answer right away, he would later fuss so much he forgot why he even called in the first place. "The way I answered the phone" was a HUGE issue for him! A daily fight. I hate my son has to live with that but he gets to choose. It actually feels good to see proof ex hasn't changed. Being no contact, sometimes you wonder. Maybe after I left he changed. But no. He hasn't. I did the right thing. 

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Fluffyflea

Thanx for the post.

Reading in Lundy Bancroft that 1% of them actually change has always stuck with me.

My ex won't change and that's fine with me.

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Melinoe

Thank you for this post! I struggle with this a lot because I do beleive that we have the power to change ourselves, but I know that most abusers choose not to change. I got a weird little blip from my ex, via triangulation, where our former landlady called me to tell me he was in therapy because he realized he had "commitment issues". It made me wonder if he was actually not abusive at all, if he was really seeking out help. Maybe I was wrong about him, and he would heal all that anger and self-hatred he put on other people. I've often wondered if I'll ever hear from him again (after 12 years of no contact, it freaks me out to think that really any amount of time can pass and they'll still sneak up into your life like that), and if I should do the "right thing" (as you thought) by being civil and responding. But I realize that even if he does become one of the rare few who truly changes for the better, the fact is it won't do any good with me.  And getting back in contact would only cause more pain and confusion, because they really don't change - they just change tactics. Let them go off and be healed, changed beings with someone else, that's fine, whatever. It's ok to take care of ourselves, that's the right thing to do! I gotta remember that. 

Thank you again for sharing this! 

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MorningGlory

Seven years out and I can say they do not change. They work really hard to try and set up scenarios where you have to try and exalt them from their new platforms. They might have a more pliable source and try to make you feel guilt for not being with them or even try and turn your external support to he is a great guy type of cult like following. I always say he had no problem taking people that treated me bad to dinner and buying them a drink to celebrate himself. You are at the other end of that fun sarcastic little boy. It is not humour but a doubled edge steamy poop sword of entitlement. They have no guilt for burying you emotionally and financially. 

Remeber: 
You can have a relationship with them but it might not be emotionally rewarding. 
They have no concern with bringing out the best in you. 
The mutual two side values of a true relationship is usually absent. 
Only people that get to know you can validate you. (They have spent their entire life teaching you who they are.)
Relationships that keep you in defensive stance become offensive. 
Usually they befriend you to show you a carrot of what they wanted out of life. Which usually has nothing to do with the desires of your life goals. 

My EX has spent a majority perfecting all the things I loved and wanted in my relationship. Ones he made my life hell over. Ones he refused to do with out a fight. In the US those were things I wanted. Living in AU well it's different. So he loves to post all the things I love with her and pretends I am jealous. In the US plenty of places to go out dancing. In the outskirts of AU well unless you want to dance with the golden oldies or topped up teens. Just not the same adventure. So it not on the same list from when we were married? Yah, now I am over it. So does it mean I gave up my goals or rusted away my ability's. No I changed my place and sorry hiking and beach walks are my new dancing. I will not forget picking up my child for my parental visit. He hit the garage door. (funny most people use the front door) YEP NO DRAMA THERE!!! My son walked out and his dad took the hand of his EX finance and they started dancing and he was twirling her. I laughed so freaking hard. Then she went to shake my hand. So I gave her the dreaded Indian knuckle squeeze. She had to take it with out screaming. No she would not show drama!!! LOL 




 

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