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Fluffyflea

Bad Day.....

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Fluffyflea

Today was a relapse about the ex wondering if I could have said or done anything different.

If we could have fixed it.

Just General rolling around in my head and feeling like it's a death and feeling in mourning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

in mourning.

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Bennu

I'm sorry Fluffytea. That's hard. Of course, there was nothing to fix. It was never anything real. That man who you thought you knew was a fantasy.

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Fluffyflea

About the fantasy part that was why he became such a different person because that's the real him.

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Bennu

Yup

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Melinoe

I'm so sorry Fluffyflea. I'm experiencing a lot of that too. The doubt, the wondering "what if I had just...?", the mourning of the loss of those promises and the "good times", and mourning again as you realize the "good times" were not even real. Yesterday I even went on one of those anonymous sites where you can talk to a random person, because I needed a total stranger to validate that I had good reason to leave, that there was really no way to "work it out". 

3 weeks no contact. It feels like it's been 3 months. I get so impatient with myself for still struggling with these thoughts, for taking so long to rebuild my destroyed life. But we are doing the best we can. We are doing great.  I downloaded a breakup app that gives me inspirational quotes all the time, reminding me that I did the right thing. It helps. 

 

I'm so sorry :( 

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Fluffyflea

?☹️

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hoping

fluffyflea

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Hugs

 

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lizzibethak

Yes it takes time...........wondering if his new "supply" really will be all you never could be..........having the "magic touch" for a perfect relationship.  

When I get those moments (even after 16+ months), I remember my step-daughter confronting me  (in love) with the truth........."can a leopard change his spots?  Hell No!........and neither can my dad change who is is.  Remember I grew up with this sh** and I'm 50 years old and he hasn't changed!!!"

This is a marathon, not a sprint..........it takes time and you're going to make it!!

 

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Vickeee

I'm sorry. There's nothing you could have done. Nothing. There was nothing you did to cause him to be abusive.

My longer ago ex that I was with for 12 years was very verbally abusive, he got married recently. I couldn't go no-contact because we work in the same field, and it's a very small world. Their relationship looked so good from the outside that I started to wonder if it was me, if I was too unyielding, I'm not exactly laid back. Nope. It wasn't. Next time I saw them, she looked really upset, really upset, and he had that look on his face. I know he's doing the same thing to her, I know that look. I feel really bad for her. 

I hope you feel better soon. Try not to be hard on yourself. It's natural to have those feelings.

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blueskye

Here's the way I think of it. They don't change. But even IF he did change, it's too late for me. I will never trust him again. He hurt me too deeply to go back and be my old self with him. Any change he wants to make he can try to apply to the next woman in his life.

I am not jealous of any new woman he may have. To be jealous would mean I think favorably of him and want him back. I feel sorry for his new women. I heard a speaker once say you have to "demote" them in your brain. They are no longer a desirable catch! Why do you want them? I have done that. It works. 

I threw that fish back. Someone else can catch him now, bless her heart. 

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Fluffyflea

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the replies.

Well a few weeks have gone by since posting this and I want to bring everyone up to date.

Ive started going back to my A.A meetings as I found out he's gone off to his other life in Arizona.........

Anyways I was regaled with glad you are back and glad to see you and also regaled with stories of his temper tantrums at meetings and that one meeting was thinking of getting a restraining order on him so he couldn't go anymore.

I was rather shocked to hear that he had behaved so inappropriately but also rather amused and delighted ??.

I wasn't around he couldn't pin anything on me.

I figure he didn't have his punching bag anymore (me) so he had to disperse his rage somehow so he took it out on anyone he could.

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lizzibethak

Ah.............so glad you were able to reconnect with your AA group............just keep moving ahead and don't look back.  And...........glad he's out of the area and moving on!

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MorningGlory

They do not change if the grass appears greener on the other side it's only because of the general nature where people cover that stuff up. These men exclaim with their mouths lovely statements of principles. Yet show the very things with cruel intentions hidden. They will always try to make you feel and look mentally unstable. There is nothing you can do! It took me a while to realised that that feeling I placed was my hope for my life. He did not care that I had good memories. He cared about his sarcastic humour that belittled me to be the tuff guy and get a laugh. He did not know me and did not care to hear my soul and words in my heart. He had the list of do's and don't and never saw a person. He used that list to justify himself.

If your lucky you will not be in contact to see his spots. I was on the other side of the world and mine still did some horrible things.

So distance has nothing to do with the reach of a true narcissist. You have done the right thing. The best thing you can do is to believe your experiences. Trust yourself and know you did go through something cold. Hold to your standards of needing love and fair treatment. There is a reason we stayed in that treatment so long? Some things I did like about him. It was just those overstepping quality's that made my life so difficult. This was not me it was him. Sounds like your daughter just wants you to deal with it and accept it. Most kids just want a parent that loves them and these emotional disasters really take a toll on that connection and parental love.

Sad for Arizona have family there. The state lost a narc and gained one. Kind of like the Twilight Zone. They are all waiting at the edge of the town. Two lines at both sides. Their are two people one a little boy named "poor me" The other a full grown man called "Smuck". They have to please Poor Me or Smuck to get let in. Then on the side at the door is "Pathetic". He has sweat pants on and eats like a truck driver. When Pathetic has had enough then he lets one boy/man out and the new town boy/man subject can come in. Pretty sure its the Twilight Zone that never made it to the big screen. They all got in a fight as to who was the better actor at the preview. They could not understand they were all good actors people were just sick of seeing them. Not one of them was a box office smash and all together was even worse than the Three Stooger's.  

This is what happens when I write to earlier in the mornings! :-) 

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