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Hotel Hell a long story

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Seeing we live up here in NYS, there was a windstorm sort of like a Hurricane and it did so much damage, they declared a state of emergency in my county.  It's cold and we were freezing with no heat.  I didn't think I could make it through the night.  I actually was dumb.  It was like being outside but inside the house.  No lights, the food spoiled in the fridge so we had no choice to take ourselves to a hotel and there was only one room left.  Well, what do you know?  I finally got lucky.


Not so much.  I was worried about my 91 year old mother and so we took her with us.  Oy vey!  It was HELL on wheels.  She suffers from hearing loss and as you may have read about my situation before, there was a time when I considered leaving the abuser and moving with her but I guess I know realize that that is not gonna happen unless I live on Vicodin for my chronic migraines, and tranquilizers for my bad anxiety.


She was constantly complaining about the room, the beds, the food, the tv, the ...etc.    She blasted and I mean blasted that tv so loud you could hear it in China and she is always cold so she turned up the heat.  I left the room to go use the internet in the lobby and when I came back,  I could have taken all my clothes off and pretended I was in a sauna trying to lose weight!  It was stifling hot!  And the stench.  She has incontinence and she stinks.  Plain and simple.  We have been over this problem again and again, but no doctors for her.  She needs a ring placed in her bladder to stop this and she has 2 friends that have had this done but yet, she refuses and she also refuses the hearing aid so there I am, suffering from horrible debilitating migraines because of the smell and the tv blasting.


I politely asked her to turn it down but she didn't like that.  She would turn it down but next thing I knew it was blasting away again.  I ended up taking my Vicodins and I took about 4 that day when the doctor only allows me 2 but it was either that or throw up from the noise and the smell.


Dirty yellow towels on the floor in the bathroom I don't know what happened in there but I had to get room freshener because of the stench.  I cannot stand the smell.  I would never do anything to hurt her feeling but she smells.  And it is horrible!


Sorry to be complaining, I know I am blessed to have a mother that age and God forbid and forgive me if she dies, but she is very very difficult to deal with and a shrew besides.  I couldn't watch TV because it was all her shows.  Nothing for me.  I thought it was selfish but yet I said nothing.  And my husband bought her dinner and she never put her hand in her pocket and we are on a fixed income and I don't work, he is disabled and right now, I am worrying about losing my health insurance because I am one of the 20 plus million americans that have the Affordable Care Act aka ObamaCare.  So I would hope that she would be a little more generous in co operating money wise but she wasnt'.

Finally I couldn't wait to leave when we got word that our electricity had been restored and she wanted to stay another night I  put my foot down.  I told her I was going home and we would pick her up the next day but she went off and got ready to go.


She was sitting in the lobby while my husband paid the hotel bill and she had problems getting off the chair.  I was hold my purse and my dog because they were kind enough to let my dog come and stay with us but when she couldn't get off the chair, I put my hand out to pull her up.  She started crying like a baby and pushed me away.  She called over to some complete stranger in the lobby and asked her.  She claimed the woman was stronger than me and told her I was weak and needed a strong arm.  Well? that hurt my feelings.


And sleeping during the night?  forget it.  She was talking to herself.  I kept hearing "Jennie go to sleep" over and over again.  She was eating Tums.  I guess she had heart burn and was digging in a paper bag making a racket.  I wanted to kill myself.  I also got her mad at me because she told me I had to go to bed at 11:00 and I wanted to watch TV because I hadn't had any enjoyment all day so I watched "Forrest Gump" and she said that was awful and "can't they show some GOOd movies?  LOL  Forrest Gump was nominated for what?  about 7 academy awards and Tom Hanks got the Oscar.  Excuse me!


So that was time.  Which made me realize  I CANT LIVE WITH HER. 



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I'm sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time. I am glad to hear that you realized that you can't live with your mother before you moved in with her. I also have family members I love but would not want to live with.

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Vampy, what would she do if you weren't there?  Would she have to move in to a facility? I'm sure she'd find someplace. Somehow. What if you didn't even exist? Would she still be surviving somehow?  I bet she would.  

Sorry to be complaining, I know I am blessed to have a mother that age and God forbid and forgive me if she dies, but she is very very difficult to deal with and a shrew besides.

 There is nothing wrong with telling the truth. You have told the truth. It's not "complaining" as if you're whining about nothing. This person makes you ill. She is unhealthy for you. It is doing serious damage to you.

Let's forget the "she's your mother and therefore you're blessed" thing for a moment, because just because she birthed you shouldn't condemn you to a lifetime of eternal hell.

The stink - it's not just like you're being "hypersensitive." That stench is made of actual physical molecules that can actually damage a person. It's unhealthy. You don't have to feel like it's just something you don't "like." It's a real thing. 

You don't have to beg for forgiveness if she dies it would never, ever be your "fault" OR you to "blame" no matter how realistically awful she is to live with. Vampy, NOBODY could bear what you're putting up with. "It's not you - it's them." It's not a tolerable situation.

But she lives on her own? So realistically speaking you don't in actuality have to interact with her. It's actually a choice - a choice that you are free to make. Even if it "feels" wrong or guilty. That feeling is something that's created within you by manipulation. But it doesn't mean there's an actual obligation. You CAN make a choice - even if it "hurts" someone else. That's a right that all humans have. Including you.

So I know you feel stuck, but I think there are ways out of this. First of all no, you can't live with your mother. So of course we've already decided that's out of the question. But it's not the only option. 

And if I recall, your h and your mom are basically teamed against you. So that whole dynamic is really f'd up. And no, it's not one that anyone could bear and be healthy.

You've gotta get out of there. Somehow, someway. Staying like this is simply not an option. You may need to get creative with the hows, but it can be done. It CAN be done. 

Sorry, I forget all the details of your situation....  But just try, when you're thinking of the reasons or ways you can't do something... to turn a corner with that and try turning it around. Think what if such-and-such wasn't that way? Then find a way to make it not that way. For example, if you live in a home that's far from transportation and you can't get transport so you can't get a job, then the options would be to find transport (even a bike), OR move to where you can get transport - move away from all them. Why not? People do it every day. Even without a lot of money.

Or maybe there's a way to work from home. 

Have you consulted with an attorney yet to learn your rights? That's really important to do. Some will do free consults, sometimes you can get phone consults even.

And the biggest roadblock that I think I see is people feeling stuck because of "what it would do to other people." But nobody is destined to live their life in eternal hell in order to prevent others from being inconvenienced. And your health and your life depend on getting away from unhealthy situations. (That's true pretty much for everyone, actually.) So everyone is "allowed" to leave someone in order to become healthier, themselves. Or happier, themselves. 

So let's take off the burden that you are responsible for your mother - no matter if it's disgusting and she is damaging you. You're not responsible for her. And you know what else? It's not about "hurting her feelings" that she stinks. That is a true, genuine health risk. Not just for you, but for her, too. It's okay to mention it - it's not about hurting feelings. And anyway, would she care about not hurting yours??!??!  No! She doesn't, does she? 

Anyway, I really hope you can start to make some steps to get away from that hell. :(   I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It's awful.


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