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SMB73

Hi  Everyone:

I  am new here.   Was  in  an emotionally abusive relationship  for  a  little under  4  years.  He  was  the victim type  and  so  at first it was all about  how everyone  had  been terrible to him and I was the only one who understood  him.   He  had had a really terrible childhood but I think he has never really  tried to  rise  above it.  I  have a disability and get government benefits but  my parents highly subsidize me and so like 4 or 5 months into the relationship,  he  was  sad about  a financial setback and said he may not be able to see me for awhile and I said I could help (He was working and not paying much in the way of rent but is a big hoarder and spends money on stuff.)   He accepted without  much in the way of protest which should have been a sign.  I also paid  for the majority of our dates (I mean for both of us)  but  he  was sweet and seemed to really love me.   A couple of months after I offered to help the first time, he asked if I could help  with something very minor.  I was  a little taken aback but thought if I was having  financial issues, he would help.  I had forgotten this, but  he  also asked a third time and  I didn't have that kind of money so  I told him no.    At the time, I thought he took it well, but rereading the email yesterday, it seemed like he was irritated.  (Not a lot, but more than you would be if you were asking someone to do you a favor for the second time.)

Then time stopped for five months.  But let me back up for  a  second.  About 9 months after  we met, we got engaged.   Legally, due to my benefits we couldn't get married but  had a big engagement to do . (paid for by parents and grandparents.  It was also a milestone birthday so would have had a party anyway but it might not have been so big.)  Now, the five months  time stopped.   I was diagnosed with  a very severe, potentially fatal, but in this case treatable illness (trying to keep this vague as  I was unique case.)   Though normally really not the case,  I ended up having to stay in the hospital for all the five months I got treatment.     My  ex  was really great and supportive.  My parents were my main advocates, as  I wanted ,  but  my ex stayed a lot of nights.  At the time  he had  a job some nights and  my parents offered to pay for nights he  would have gotten overtime but  me/them wanted  him to sleep in my room.  I forget if he protested as my mind was preoccupied and I was on heavy drugs.   I felt like we were all a team.

After my stay,  I was in convalescence at home for  a  few months and I asked my parents  if  he  could stay at the house when   he wasn't working at night and they  agreed . (I live downstairs  from them.)    He had been evicted from his previous apartment.   The  first sign of trouble  was that we told him he could only bring  in a little of his stuff to our  house and he brought a lot and wouldn't clean up when I asked him to.   My parents are my caregivers and did all of it for the first three months after my hospital stay.  But then my ex started to a little bit (and not very good.)  as well as driving me a handful of meetings to political meetings. (With my car,  me paying for gas and usually me buying him a meal.)  And doing this time, he decided to change jobs so  basically lived  with me.  He also started drinking a lot, and I joined him, but not quite as much.    He started saying that he should  get a third  of  my  care money that I get from the government and  my parents loved me but were taking advantage of me. Well, my dad has  a job that pays A LOT more than the care money  he  receives .  (Oh  and they had just paid for my  hugely expensive commitment ceremony,)   He  was drinking too much by that point  so I told him no talking until he got help.  Which he did and I thought  he would get better  in terms of my parents, but he didn't .  finally he forced me to write a note to my parents saying  that  they needed to give him a third of the caregiver money or  we would leave. ( His ex, who I didn't like, offered to have us stay at her place while we got it together.)  Of course my parents were upset  and told me that we needed to  talk.  Luckily, the practical side took over and I stayed and he stayed,

This is getting long, so  will  just summarize the main lowlights.

My parents needed to do repairs so they asked him to go.  He preceded to have  his psychologist call a social worker on me saying I was being abused by my parents.  I wasn't, not by a long shot.

He got really upset that after that  they didn't want him at their house.  I kept trying to explain but it never took. 

He started telling me that my parents were holding me hostage and just  wanted me for my money.  As I said, I am HEAVILY subsidized by them and most months it  is either a break even thing or I'm draining money from them . (And THEY have NEVER made it seem like it was a burden, they just want me to have a great life.)

Kept  saying both that I made him lose all his money and that he doesn't care about money, he just wants to live with me. 

Made fun of my political work . (And we were similar, but just  a little different , in that area. Think of last years primary,)

Told me  I should have someone with me all the time that would get paid (like him!)   in case I got run over by a car.  I have NEVER wanted that and though I live with my parents,  consider myself pretty independent in terms if getting out in the world.

Kept  saying both my family and I were irrational (god forbid we have feelings) 

Said it was a burden to  come to me to see me so insisted I come close to him, then preceded to yell at me that we didn't  live together,. 

Said all the right things to the psychologist  I insisted we see but then seemed to never have any epiphanies.

 

So by  October of this year, I  was about over  but  was busy planning a social event and doing political work.   After the election, I wasn't in a talking mood and was watching stupid tv .  (I hope that is a apolitical enough.)   So  he calls my  social worker and tells her  that my parents locked me up in house with no phone.  I had a few angry notes to him that day and  he kept saying nothing was his fault.  I was worried about breaking up with him on my own and my psychologist agreed to be the witness so  I told my ex and he refused to come.  Basically since December I have been building up my support system.  I decided that I really didn't want to be with him on Valentines Day so planned to write him a good bye note before then . (He has kept writing "I miss you" notes and I haven't respond.)  Anyway,  last week I discovered he has had an online dating profile since August with porno  of him in it,  (The porno was from this Janurary so  technically fine but you know disgusting and  we aren't young either!)  So Monday just blocked him from all my social media , email and calls. (I am on a family plan with my dad so I have to go with him to block texts but we plan to do that this weekend.)  I usually at least write a breakup note or something but feel he deserves NOTHING. 

There is more, but that should get you started. 

 

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Betty

Hi SMB :) I'm new here too. 

He sounds absolutely awful! So glad you've decided to split up with him. Great too that you're building up your support system, good for you :)

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Bennu

I'm sorry. The things he said about your parents are revealing his own true motivations. My ex did that too. 

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percolate

I'm glad you're blocking him and don't plan on writing a breakup note.  He doesn't deserve anything and the less contact you have with him the faster you'll heal from his abuse.

I'm glad you have your parents assistance and support and that he wasn't able to isolate you from your support system.

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SMB73
On February 16, 2017 at 5:40 PM, percolate said:

I'm glad you're blocking him and don't plan on writing a breakup note.  He doesn't deserve anything and the less contact you have with him the faster you'll heal from his abuse.

I'm glad you have your parents assistance and support and that he wasn't able to isolate you from your support system.

It took me awhile to get to the not wanting to write a break up note but  I think the  public porno video , coupled with the dating profile from when we  were  still trying to work it out  just made me lose any residual feelings I may have had.

 

I think  he made a  wrong calculation with me.  I think he thought my disability would make it easier  for him to isolate me  .  Also, I have friends but  am usually a very private person just because I don't like unsolicited opinions as I tend to like overanalyze opinions and so it's not like I have surface relationships but  my family is the only one who knows my deepest darkest secrets because they know me.  So I think he thought that  he could isolate me, move me out of my family home  , and then he could take over my "care" and  not have to do other work.  Well besides totally loving my parents, I just couldn't think about how it would work on a practical level.  We live in a pretty high rent area and I   didn't think we could afford a place, (well a safe place.).   Plus he had awful credit history (imagine that) Also, even when I still really was into him, he was an ok caregiver in a pinch  but  I thought he wouldn't be able to handle it day in and day out and if I wanted to look presentable when I went out.  (I'm femme and definitely have a beauty routine  .)  

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