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Melinoe

Confused again

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Melinoe

So I thought I had figured out what I was dealing with, in terms of why I felt so awful and not-heard in my relationship. For a few days everything made sense and I felt strong again. I don't know if I'm questioning myself because I'm in a physically weak place right now, but my boyfriend is being wonderful again and now I am confused and unsure again. 

Yesterday I had to go to the hospital for a simple gynecological procedure. Most women can get it done just in their normal doctor's office, but because I get extreme anxiety during gyno stuff, I was getting sedated for it. I was told it would be very fast and I could go home the same day. I got there and after they had put me in a gown and everything the anesthesiologist told me he had decided to keep me there overnight, because they wanted to watch how the sedation affected me. Things happened really fast then, all these people were pulling off my clothes and pushing my body into place and it was so cold and I think I started having a panic attack as they administered the anesthesia, because when I came out of it afterwards, I woke up to myself thrashing around and the doctors and nurses telling me to stop and calm down and breathe, but I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was so embarrassed because I was crying and trying to move around and everyone was telling me to stop, but it was like I couldn't. I had no control over myself and I felt so bad about it. It was just really traumatic. 

Once I finally calmed down and was in the room for my overnight stay, I texted my boyfriend - he had sent me a few messages saying how worried he was about me and to tell him how I was doing. I told him about how I had come out from the anesthesia in such an awful way and how scary it was. I felt a sense of shame because this should have been such an easy thing that would have taken 10 minutes in my own doctor's office if only I was a normal woman who could handle it. And he was super understanding and reassuring. Said all these things about how brave I was, validated how scary it must have been, how proud he was of me, and that it doesn't matter how other women handle it, he was proud of how I handled it. He talked about how he wished he was there, and even wished he could fly here overnight to come be with me, and if he was there he'd do all these sweet things, and in the future I'd never need to do this alone, etc. He was back to being the supportive guy I originally fell in love with. 

So... is this just another part of it, of being loving and great and sometimes empathetic to keep me with him? Or am I doing what he says, jumping to the worst conclusion and seeing abuse where is none, making myself into a victim and having unrealistic expectations for my relationship??

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Fluffyflea
2 hours ago, Melinoe said:

So I thought I had figured out what I was dealing with, in terms of why I felt so awful and not-heard in my relationship. For a few days everything made sense and I felt strong again. I don't know if I'm questioning myself because I'm in a physically weak place right now, but my boyfriend is being wonderful again and now I am confused and unsure again. 

Yesterday I had to go to the hospital for a simple gynecological procedure. Most women can get it done just in their normal doctor's office, but because I get extreme anxiety during gyno stuff, I was getting sedated for it. I was told it would be very fast and I could go home the same day. I got there and after they had put me in a gown and everything the anesthesiologist told me he had decided to keep me there overnight, because they wanted to watch how the sedation affected me. Things happened really fast then, all these people were pulling off my clothes and pushing my body into place and it was so cold and I think I started having a panic attack as they administered the anesthesia, because when I came out of it afterwards, I woke up to myself thrashing around and the doctors and nurses telling me to stop and calm down and breathe, but I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was so embarrassed because I was crying and trying to move around and everyone was telling me to stop, but it was like I couldn't. I had no control over myself and I felt so bad about it. It was just really traumatic. 

Once I finally calmed down and was in the room for my overnight stay, I texted my boyfriend - he had sent me a few messages saying how worried he was about me and to tell him how I was doing. I told him about how I had come out from the anesthesia in such an awful way and how scary it was. I felt a sense of shame because this should have been such an easy thing that would have taken 10 minutes in my own doctor's office if only I was a normal woman who could handle it. And he was super understanding and reassuring. Said all these things about how brave I was, validated how scary it must have been, how proud he was of me, and that it doesn't matter how other women handle it, he was proud of how I handled it. He talked about how he wished he was there, and even wished he could fly here overnight to come be with me, and if he was there he'd do all these sweet things, and in the future I'd never need to do this alone, etc. He was back to being the supportive guy I originally fell in love with. 

So... is this just another part of it, of being loving and great and sometimes empathetic to keep me with him?

 

"Or am I doing what he says, jumping to the worst conclusion and seeing abuse where is none, making myself into a victim and having unrealistic expectations for my relationship??"

Why does he say these things to you?

And yes you are right being loving,great and sometimes empathetic are designed to keep you hooked. It's all a game you know, none of it is real.

 

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hoping

Melinoe

I know this is so difficult to deal with and can be difficult to believe that the person we love is an abuser. You seem like a intelligent, empathetic, caring, and good person who wants a good loving relationship. I believe he is abusive and doesn't want that, he wants to control you and is lying to you. I'm sorry to say this even though I believe it to be true.

 

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Fluffyflea
4 hours ago, hoping said:

Melinoe

I know this is so difficult to deal with and can be difficult to believe that the person we love is an abuser. You seem like a intelligent, empathetic, caring, and good person who wants a good loving relationship. I believe he is abusive and doesn't want that, he wants to control you and is lying to you. I'm sorry to say this even though I believe it to be true.

 

Lying is a HUGE method of control.

I know Ive just lived it for 5.5 years.

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Betty

I don't think that my partner is 100% evil in every single thing he does. Sometimes he is loving and empathetic.

I don't see my relationship in all black or white fashion. Its more complicated than just black or whote. I'm still leaving him though because on a regular basis he is abusive.

I totally understand why his being so loving confuses you now. I've often been confused too. 

I'll still leave my partner though - I have been through 16 years of this and I know that he will be abusive again. The loving caring period never lasts. 

But I don't personally think my partner is 100% evil in everything he does..

Wish you well

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Quaddie

Abusive relationships are almost never 100% evil or bad, or even 85%, or 75%, or any other proportion that makes decision-making easy or obvious.

Otherwise, they'd never have ensnared us in the first place. 

And the not-horrible part is also part of the control game. Abuse is about control and manipulation. "Nice" can be a manipulative ploy, as well. It can be really difficult to tell what's real, or what's covering up the truth underneath. Abuse is an overall pattern of control and manipulation, more than it is about any specific types of behaviors or being mean or angry. Because it's not behaviors - it's the way the abuser's mind works, the way they see and navigate the world and relate to others within it. And how they see their partners.

Someone in here a long time ago described it something like this. (And I'm not telling it very eloquently right now, lol.) Let's say you're making a batch of brownies. But a little bit of poo gets into the batter. It's just a little bit. You bake the brownies and cut them up, thinking, "it's just a tiny bit of poo." But then you hesitate to eat one. How can you avoid the poo? You can't. The poo is part of everything. It's a batch of poo-brownies, even though it was just a tiny bit of poo. The whole pan is tainted and you wouldn't want to eat them.

 

 

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Melinoe

Thank you for your responses everyone.

 

Fluffyflea, I don't know why he says these things to me...he said a whole bunch of stuff like that during our last argument (when I tried to break up, after he yelled at me and kept insisting that was normal in relationships). I guess it was to keep me from ending things. But...it seems so nonsensical now, how could someone telling me "I know you better than you know yourself, you don't understand how real relationships work, you want yourself to be a victim, and when I'm yelling you should stop and think about why I'm yelling and how you might be causing it" (paraphrasing of course)... how could that have soothed me and brought me back in to the relationship? Am I so stupid? 

I think sometimes my desire to be sensible and fair is not helpful. Because I am learning how to honour and validate my own feelings, I see his feelings as just as valid, so when he asserts his views I feel I must respect and acknowledge them, even if his "feelings" are that I am wrong about my own feelings. Does that even make sense? I want to live in a relationship where BOTH partner's feelings are valid and we can both be "right", but he says that is impossible. There must be a wrong and a right. I still disagree with that though... in my heart of hearts.

Haha Quaddie, your poo-brownie story is a so good! I think I get what it is saying. And why I feel this always-present "something's not right" current running through my mind even when things are amazing and fun and ideal. Because these weird arguments have the poo in them, and the poo is abuse. But I think I have to work on believing that *I* am not the poo. 

Of course I understand that relationships are not "perfect", but the fact that I always come out of a disagreement feeling denied, unsettled, confused, and questioning myself has tainted the rest of the relationship. I still think it's me though, I blame myself for not being healthy enough to have a healthy relationship - my inability to clearly communicate my emotions is what makes him so frustrated with me. And when I get scared, I shut down, which makes him more angry. So that is why I stay, I see myself as the root of the problem - I'm the poo in the brownies. Some part of me agrees with his statements. 

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Quaddie

..it seems so nonsensical now, how could someone telling me "I know you better than you know yourself, you don't understand how real relationships work, you want yourself to be a victim, and when I'm yelling you should stop and think about why I'm yelling and how you might be causing it" (paraphrasing of course)..

Unfortunately,  that does sound exactly like typical abuser-speak. 

He is gaslighting you, blame-shifting, defining you,  and a host of other abusive tactics. 

Please do (privately) read "Why Does He Do That?" - it's all in there. It will help you "make sense" of this, and help you lost the blame off yourself.

You are not the poo.

 

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lizzibethak

Melinoe.............clear communications is not the problem as they will continue to twist what you say into something that bites you in the butt and proves you are weak and selfish and yada yada.  And because the blame was always shifted back to me, I felt compelled (ugly word) to stay and stay and apologize and try to make things better and repent of my selfish and evil ways (yes.........I was called evil) and lie to his face to keep myself sane.  

So...........as others have suggested, keep reading and researching and listening to others' stories and you will see more and more that what you are living and writing about is abuse.  

Ask yourself............are your other relationships/friendships as difficult as this one??  True "family" and friends do not attempt to blame, minimize or control you...........

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Bennu

Communication to them means listen and obey their commands. Watch out for that. 

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Melinoe

Bennu, I am beginning to see what you mean... recently we had a very strange discussion about how he feels I don't listen to him. I spent the whole argument trying to tell him I DID listen, I just didn't agree with him - I had a different opinion. And he said something like "yeah, you still thought differently even after I explained myself! You don't listen!" and I realized that he thought I should change my opinions to match his simply because he explained it. It was the first time I really thought "he doesn't see my thoughts as valid, he sees them as a challenge to him if they are different". It felt so strange, to begin to realize that. 

I have been reading Patricia Evan's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and I am beginning to start to understand that he and I operate under different realities. It explains why he thinks my idea of a good relationship is "not realistic" and why he thinks yelling and someone always needing to be wrong is the way a REAL relationship works. 

It is so hard to remember that he doesn't actually see things the same way I do, and that all his empathy from earlier was just an act....I still struggle to believe it...

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Betty

It's so strange isn't it to realise he doesn't think of you as a human just like he is.

That book has been such an important book for me. I read it often, it helps give me the energy to keep on with my plan to leave.

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