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Fluffyflea

Guilt

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Fluffyflea

 

Why am I feeling guilty?

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hoping

Fluffyflea

I know this may sound silly, but why do you think you are feeling? Can you list some things on a piece of paper, even if you don't think they are important enough? This might help you. Trust what you write, then ask yourself why you feel these things, and are they true, or are they from what he has told you, or others that don't know your situation? My counselor told me to write with the opposite hand your question and wait a little while and then answer with your dominant hand and see what you wrote. I hope this helps. 

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Quaddie

FOG of abuse = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

More often than not, there's a ton of guilt involved with being with and in leaving an abuser. They tend to "condition" you to feel guilty if you are not living and breathing just for them. Probably called you "selfish" at some point about something that really is just normal self-ness.

Anyhoo, they set you up to feel guilty - it's one of the ways they manipulate you into staying in a relationship (or going back if you leave).

Another aspect to this is society's tendency to view females as must be caretakers and to be selfless and give of yourself without taking or else it's "selfish." So just doing anything for the self can make a person feel guilty as if they're doing something "wrong." 

This is why I like books like "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel and "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine. Because I think the guilt is very much about losing the ability to be self-protective and to keep good boundaries. Everything sets us up to feel guilty. It's not you - it's them.

And I think sometimes some people people get used to the normalcy of feeling guilty and figure, "Well, as long as I still feel guilty about it, then that means I'm a good person because even if I do something that others would consider 'bad,' feeling guilty means I'm not just a heartless beyotch."  I'm not saying everyone or most people might feel this way, it's kind of a buried interwoven feeling, but I think it exists within some people.

Ultimately it's okay to be on your own terms with life. Guilt is pressure from some form of cognitive dissonance - when you think you should be doing something else instead. Sometimes parsing out the "what" and the "why" can help disassemble it.

 

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Fluffyflea

Well part of it is I "Should give him a chance to explain himself because of his overreaction because maybe there are things going on in his life that he's not talking about" according to my SIL........

"And you should end as friends because you've been together for 5.5 years and that's a RELATIONSHIP!!!!! 

Its not normal to rent a movie and buy a pizza and go from 0 to 100 within an hour because I'm laughing at the idiot tenant singing like Pavarotti in the livingroom with headphones on and the movie isn't working and he's having a meltdown over that and screaming at a taped recording and then turns it on me tells me to leave so I say "good idea because you are psycho right now" and then say " And don't ever come back here again because I'm not getting anything out of this relationship anymore anyways."

So I say "Okay then" super calmly and take a garbage bag out of my drawer and packed my stuff still super calm and he screeches "Give me back my gas card." So I do that really calmly and take a check he had given me out of my wallet rip it up and hand it to him and then as I'm leaving with my luggage calmly say "Good overreaction,time to talk to your sponsor, do me a favour when you see me don't talk to me." And then he screeches as I'm going out the room door with my stuff "Close the door"!!!! which I DIDNT.

And this isn't the first time for one of these meltdowns.

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Fluffyflea

And what he says about not getting what HE needs is sort of funny as that should be me saying that as we've never spent Christmas and New Years together because he's always spent it with his "Ex"Wife and Son in Arizona, he spends long periods of time there during the winter goes back and forth as he wants without ever consulting me on anything,

says to me when he came back this time "Oh I told So and So I'd be back to babysit there dogs in March as they are going away for a week. And I said oh that on my birthday and to get away from me saying you won't come back for my birthday but you come back to babysit dogs he says "Oh that's when your birthday is? I thought it was in May."

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Bennu

What have you been doing for yourself lately? Abusers condition you to put them first. When you try to do something your way rather than his your are being controlling and manipulative. Actually it's normal to act the way you want to rather the way someone else wants you to. When you ask for your needs to be met your are selfish. Actually it is healthy to advocate to have your needs met rather than spending all your time meeting someone else's needs. I think the best way to stop feeling guilty is to take care of yourself. Find ways to get your needs met. Realize that you are important. He is not longer the focus of your life.  It gets better with time. Taking care of yourself is an important factor. How about a massage? That's one thing I've considered but haven't done yet. 

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Quaddie
3 hours ago, Fluffyflea said:

Well part of it is I "Should give him a chance to explain himself because of his overreaction because maybe there are things going on in his life that he's not talking about" according to my SIL........

Well, she's your SIL so consider the source. This person is not on your side, and not acting in your best interests. NO, you have no obligation to "give him a chance to explain" (which I'm sure this isn't just a one-off so that doesn't even hold water anyway) - and it doesn't matter if there are things going on in his life that he's not talking about. If YOU do not like the way he treats YOU, you have every right as a human being to say "Nope, no more, goodbye." She is trying to coerce you. It is part of a manipulative "society" basically that often forms around and after leaving an abuser. It's not real advice, it's not valid, and you certainly do not need to give it consideratin.

3 hours ago, Fluffyflea said:

"And you should end as friends because you've been together for 5.5 years and that's a RELATIONSHIP!!!!! 

No. No no no no no. Nobody has the right to tell you that. However something ends is how it ends, period. And you don't "owe" it anything just because it's been 5.5 years. So? That's like a gambler's fallacy. That just because you've invested so much in it, it deserves more. Nope, not true. And how are YOU going to end it as "friends?" NOT POSSIBLE. This is just illogical nonsense. It doesn't even make sense. 

So (is this the SIL again??) it sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into having a conversation with him which will then allow him a chance to manipulate you back into the relationship. It's all coercion. It's all manipulation.

It'd be a really good idea to not talk to her or anyone from his milieu anymore. It's just going to be toxicity bleeding into your brain.

 

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Fluffyflea
4 hours ago, Quaddie said:

Well, she's your SIL so consider the source. This person is not on your side, and not acting in your best interests. NO, you have no obligation to "give him a chance to explain" (which I'm sure this isn't just a one-off so that doesn't even hold water anyway) - and it doesn't matter if there are things going on in his life that he's not talking about. If YOU do not like the way he treats YOU, you have every right as a human being to say "Nope, no more, goodbye." She is trying to coerce you. It is part of a manipulative "society" basically that often forms around and after leaving an abuser. It's not real advice, it's not valid, and you certainly do not need to give it consideratin.

No. No no no no no. Nobody has the right to tell you that. However something ends is how it ends, period. And you don't "owe" it anything just because it's been 5.5 years. So? That's like a gambler's fallacy. That just because you've invested so much in it, it deserves more. Nope, not true. And how are YOU going to end it as "friends?" NOT POSSIBLE. This is just illogical nonsense. It doesn't even make sense. 

So (is this the SIL again??) it sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into having a conversation with him which will then allow him a chance to manipulate you back into the relationship. It's all coercion. It's all manipulation.

It'd be a really good idea to not talk to her or anyone from his milieu anymore. It's just going to be toxicity bleeding into your brain.

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding it's my SIL who is married to my brother.

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Quaddie

Still no need to listen to that "advice. " If I care about someone who is unhappy in their relationship, I wouldn't tell them such things. If I care about them,  I support how THEY feel about it. 

It's still not valid, no matter who it comes from. 

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