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Fluffyflea

Blocking on Cell Phone and Email.....

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Fluffyflea

How do people know if they've been blocked?

 

Or do they?

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Bennu

On Facebook, you can see if you are no longer friends. Just look at your friends and see if he is there.

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Fluffyflea

We were never on Facebook.

 

I blocked him on my cell phone and email.

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blueskye

I tried this with a coworker to try it. My texts seemed to be delivered but I'm sure they never said "read." And phone calls didn't ring on her end. 

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blueskye

And congratulations Fluffyflea!!!  You'll be on day 100 before you know it! I'm over one year and it was hard but I did it and you can too!!!

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Fluffyflea

DAY 6!!!!!!!!!!

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Bennu

What things have you been doing to take care of yourself? What things are you doing that he didn't like but you do?

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lizzibethak

Yay for you................stay strong and carry on!!!

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SMB73
On February 12, 2017 at 1:24 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

This is awesome, fluffyflea! :)

In response to the guilt for not warning him in advance of blocking, there's no hard and fast rule that says we must do that. Especially if he's an abuser, that just gives him ammo to try and abuse more. I think you absolutely did the wisest and best thing!

 Originally when  I was  decided to break up  with my ex, I was going to have us sit with my therapist and for me to say I was  over and  all of that.  When I  told  my ex that I wanted  us to meet with me therapist (who he knew and had worked with.) and my ex said that he wanted to meet with his therapist (who I had never met and suspected that  my ex had told him lies about me, plus a hassle for me to get to.).   Then I was going to write him a nice note, but was worried he might seek revenge on me and during that time I found out about the girl he is seeing. (on fb.)  I was still considering a note but then a found a dating profile with porno on it and decided I owed him NOTHING and  just blocked him from everything (The last time I responded to his email was to talk about going to my shrink.).   I think we have to do what makes sense for us.  I bet most of us wouldn't behave like this in a regular breakup but  once we have decided no more we need to be a little selfish and do what us best for our health. 

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Melinoe

SMB73 and Quaddie I think you are both right. We are fair, reasonable people when in normal relationships, but in these cases we really don't owe them anything and if we were in normal relationships we wouldn't have to "warn" people that we are going to protect ourselves!

 

I struggle with how to break up "maturely" from this relationship and I'm still in it because I don't know how to do that yet. I tried once already and failed. 

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Quaddie

You don't need to "maturely" break up from an abusive relationship. You can just leave. There is no need to have "the talk" or to try to explain anything or to try to get them to agree that you should break up. None of that - as a human being - are you obligated to do. You are allowed to just leave, with a note or a text or a short, SHORT explanation (something like, "I'm ending this relationship. It's not what I want. I've made my decision and I'm not changing my mind.")  No conversation, no discussion. Your decision is the final say. Your life is yours to steer and you have the right to do so.

I think so many times people don't end a relationship because they feel obligated to do it in a certain way. And that "right way" seems out of the realm of possibility. Because - with abusers - it is out of the realm of feasibility. So it's a catch-22.

But in truth, you can skip it entirely. You can end it however you want. There's no rule or law that says you "have to" do things a certain way. If somebody says so - well, they're just spouting society word of mouth, but it's not a rule or a law. It's just more inappropriate pressure.

The "conversation" is not necessary. It's not obligatory. And it doesn't work, anyway! They will just use it to hoover you. They use everything as another opportunity to manipulate. You can't relate authentically to an abuser because they don't operate authentically. Your efforts are lost, anyway. 

So break up "immaturely." Break up however you want. With a text, a post-it, a recording that you make and play into his voicemail. Whatever WORKS is the right way to do it.

There's no rule, no law, and in the scheme of life it won't matter. Think about wasting your precious life because of fear that "somebody" will think you broke up with your abuser "the wrong way." It's your own precious life. Life is short. Do it however works for you.

 

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percolate

Keep up the good work!  And don't feel guilty about blocking him.

You deserve peace of mind and time to recover form his abuse.

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Fluffyflea
7 hours ago, percolate said:

Keep up the good work!  And don't feel guilty about blocking him.

You deserve peace of mind and time to recover form his abuse.

Here's another question which has been dogging me. Since this "breakup" I'm out 600.00 a month from him. 

How does he think that money is suddenly going to reinstate itself into my life?

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percolate
58 minutes ago, Fluffyflea said:

Here's another question which has been dogging me. Since this "breakup" I'm out 600.00 a month from him. 

How does he think that money is suddenly going to reinstate itself into my life?

He doesn't care and he wouldn't be the first abuser to hope that financial hardship will drive you back to him. 

Can you get a roommate or find some other way to replace that money in your budget.

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Fluffyflea

I was reading yesterday in Lundys book how sometimes Abusers break up with us to punish us.

Its all so crazy and twisted.

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Melinoe

It is so crazy and twisted. You're doing so amazingly, Fluffyflea! <3 

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Fluffyflea

I'm not feeling like that I'm doing well today.

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Quaddie

It's okay to feel however you feel. 

You don't need to give in to things that you know you'll regret later on, though. Remember that. Feeling is okay. But keep protecting yourself.

Be very kind and caring for yourself, even if you don't feel great. 

 

 

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Fluffyflea

I've been feeling like what did I do wrong.

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Quaddie

That you were wrong to leave?

 

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Fluffyflea

Yes and not calling and trying to fix things so it can happen all over again.

 

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Quaddie

Why do you feel like you're wrong?

Is it the guilt?

Try looking back on past posts and remembering how it felt.

 

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Quaddie

Oh and also.... it's normal to feel that way right now. It doesn't mean you are wrong. It's just part of the process.

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whitebutterfly11

There are very real and painful trauma bonds that you are breaking. You're working through those strong attachments to the relationship, and I think it's normal to feel guilt and a sense of unease.

To validate your choice, though, you wouldn't have that sense of urgency to go back and fix it all if you had left a non-abusive person. The guilt is coming from the sense of threat you felt in leaving, and this fear that if you don't fix it, something bad is going to happen. All that is telling me that you did what was best for you in leaving him, and the more time you have away from him, the less that guilt and need to fix it will grate on you.

Don't give up! You made a healthy decision for you. 

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