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Deja Vu

Sorry to be here again

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Deja Vu

Hi,

I am a former our place member.  I got out of an abusive marriage 7 years ago. He was a man who was extremely emotionally, verbally, and in the end even became sexually abusive.  A year later I met the man of my dreams.  He was sweet, laid back.  I could be myself and he enjoyed every bit of it.  We moved in together a year later.  We had had only 2 disagreements before we moved in and both times, we worked them out easily.  He even knew how to say "I'm sorry" when he started it. I may give some more history down the line, but long story short, we married after 4 years together.  Between the time I moved in and when we got married, there were fights.  Usually he apologized after calming down.  Unlike the other relationship, I did not just sit there and cry.  I stood up for myself.  A couple of the fights he became very strange.  Made comments about money (or my lack thereof.....I have a job, but it pays very poorly compared to his), he would say how he needed to re-think things and made me feel unstable in the relationship, once he told me if I felt a certain way maybe I should move out and "don't take any of my turnips on your way out".  Now, I should say that he had a previous marriage where his wife hid things, including not paying the bills, she had a felony charge for white collar crimes, which he had to bail her out of and which cost much of their savings plus a huge debt.  He had his fears and issues due to it.  I thought we could work through anything though, because he would admit his fault and try to make things right.  As time went on I realized, and he admitted he is a bit OCD.  If things are not in order the way he sees them, it makes him anxious and he gets snappy.  If you talk to him, he gets defensive and feels you are critical even when you are not meaning to be.  He, on the other hand can be very critical of how things are done and how things are said.  He had me to a point where I again felt I was walking on eggshells.  This was when I finally told him and he looked heartbroken and said he didn't want me feeling this way and he thought maybe he was bi-polar and should see a doctor.  We went together.  The doctor said he did not think it was bi-polar but that it was generalized anxiety.  He put him on meds.  At first they were wonderful.  He was back to the man I met.  No criticism, no anxiety, easy-going.  As months went on though, it started coming back and as an added treat, he started drinking very heavily (a noted side effect of the medicine that the doctor didn't bother to mention).  We agreed he should come off the drug.  That was a tough road as he became belligerent, paranoid, it was horrible..........and all textbook for the withdrawal.   A couple of weeks later, he was back to normal.  At the end of the withdrawal we had a horrendous fight.  My 19 year old son was home and said he was being extremely controlling and what he was doing was NOT acceptable.  He had told me I needed to fix me within 30 days or we were over, he argued about me leaving to go for a drive....he never insisted I stay but begged no matter how much I asked just let me take a drive.  He told me I probably drove my ex nuts and hinted I was the problem in that relationship.  I said I was leaving and he told me if I left not to come back.  When I said if that is what he wanted..... and he yelled some more and I slammed the door.  he then jumped out of his chair and said "woman, if the cops come here tonight we are through".  Things calmed down and he told me he needed to work on doing things better. 

His children have not seen him in years.  His ex-wife kept them from him and despite court battles he still did not see them.  I reached out to an adult daughter on his behalf and she started coming around.  Things were good, or so we thought for a couple of visits.  Then we asked a simple question and she flew off the handle and told us how we are doing everything wrong.  I was there through all of it, and most of what she said is either a lie, or twisted to be malevolent.  She doesn't think she wants to see us anymore. This happened last week.  Since then my husband has been depressed and obsessed with what happened. He has been cranky.  last night my computer developed and issue after I worked on a grad school paper all day.  I was terrified I was about to lose all the work.  He told me that I was freaking out (true) and it wasn't fair I was taking him down too (I wanted him to support me, hold me, tell me it would be all right...help me fix it).  He told me to plug it in somewhere else and see if that helped (I'm trying to help create a solution).  I walked across the room and plugged it in.  He was sitting on the sofa near that outlet with his feet up.  I asked him if he could move them a bit so I could sit down.  he did not want to.  So I sat on the floor in front of the coffee table.  I needed the mouse, so I crawled in front of his other foot that was on the floor.  He jumped up raising his voice that why was I so inconsiderate?  Why didn't I go someplace else?  I was shoving him out of the way (???) and I was treating him sh*tty.  I was shocked and heartbroken....I needed support and got told how crappy I was.  I let it go and he looked at the computer said he thought it was the cord and I needed a new one.  I went upstairs to my work computer to order one and cried......the stress of work, grad class, his daughter, etc had gotten to me that day (and this is a very rare thing for me).  I came down and he was better.  Later I asked would he sit next to me and cuddle (still stressed).  He said he wanted to stay where he was.   A tear fell down my cheek......fine, I'll just move my whole self ....now you're looking at me like you want to kill me.....I said just stay but he came over.  A few minutes later he said he was sorry he was being so inconsiderate and that everything would be ok while he held me.

Today he seemed quiet all day (we both work from home). At dinner he brought up his daughter again.  He said he knows she makes things up in her mind (and she does) and she is friends with me on facebook.  He said he did not want me to unfriend her but that he doesn't want her seeing our whole life.  I told him that I don't post that much and it is always positive stuff.  Nothing she could use in a negative way.  He said he doesn't know what is on my facebook and he doesn't want any problems.  I said so do you want me to make it so she doesn't see anything or just things you are uncomfortable with?  He told me I should figure it out and that I was being difficult, etc, etc.  I thought it was silly as I don't put on anything that the entire world can't see.  He said he doesn't care about strangers but he doesn't want her to take things out of context or use them against us.  But again, don't remove her.  I finally said I will exclude her from all posts.  He went on about how I wanted him to tell me what I should and should not put her on so that when things went badly I could say "but you said"  I said no, that is not the way I think.  He insisted it was.  I finally said I will just block her from post and walked back to clean the kitchen.  He then said how I am treating him sh*tty.  I said how am I treating you sh*tty.......he said you turned your back on me and are arguing.  I said I told you I will just block everything from her and I walked inside because I don't want to fight.  I then said you keep telling me how I treat you sh*tty all the time lately.  It really hurts my feelings.  He said again that I was.  I started crying and saying I dont' know why you have me around since all I seem to be is treating you sh*tty any more.  It kept up.  He went upstairs and I gave it 30  minutes (which can sometimes work wonders) and tried to talk with him and he said he didn't want to discuss any of it.  There is nothing to say.  I said let me know when he wants to talk, but that he can't keep telling me daily that I treat him "sh*tty"......I treat him very well and I don't deserve it. 

And Saturday he told me how I am wonderful, his best friend, his baby, he loves me, etc, etc.

I don't know what to think any more.  I am not sure which is the real him.  Is it stress that sets things off?  Is it anxiety and OCD?  His he abusive?  I just am at a loss.

Thanks for listening. 

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hoping

Deja Vu

Hi, I'm glad to meet you. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I noticed, you said that when you moved in together is when the fights started. I have heard and read that abusers wait until an event, like moving in together, getting married, or first child to start abusing. They want to be sure that we are emotionally invested in the relationship, so we won't be as apt to leave. Unfortunately, some abusers can say they are sorry and not mean it. When they say they are sorry, it can get us to shut up and leave them alone. You said that he became very strange, that to me is a red flag (a warning) that he could be abusive. I don't know if your husband really wanted you to leave or he was saying this as a manipulation to make you feel insecure and stay. How do you know what he said about his ex-wife is true? If it is her word against his that is not enough proof. Abusers again, have been known to say bad things about their exes. Has he ever been diagnosed with O.C.D.? If not, it may not be O.C.D. it could be that he is abusive and wants something to control you with. You said he gets snappy, I think it depends on how snappy he gets and if it the items are his you are talking about or yours, or everything. I have O.C.D. and I like things in certain places, especially my things. If someone moves them, I'm not happy about it, but I have the choice, as he does, to explain that to whoever moved them or to snap at them. Him getting defensive when you are not trying to be is another sign of an abusive person. Abusers can have a double standard about being critical. They will be critical, but don't want us to be critical to them.

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percolate

Deja vu

I'm sorry you need to start posting again, but I'm glad that you have reached out. 

It doesn't seem like he's being very supportive right now and certainly is making it more difficult for you to complete your schoolwork, have a relationship with his daughter (you should be able to post whatever you want on FB and are certainly mature enough to determine what's appropriate to post), etc.  Nor is it appropriate to tell you that you need to fix yourself in 30 days or to threaten to end the relationship if you call the police. 

Continue posting whenever you like.  You're not the first person to return to Our Place and you won't be the last.  We'll be here for you and are happy to be a sounding board, shoulder to lean on or whatever you need.

One further thought, since you're in school, can you get support and counseling through your university (student health services are accessible to all students and all universities have counseling services available through student health)?  Please take advantage of those services-your tuition and fees are covering the cost of those services. The nice thing about using counseling services through student health, it shouldn't show up on your insurance (assuming that they are one of the few university student health centers that try to bill your insurance) and your h won't know your going (assuming he's someone who doesn't believe in counseling or is someone who doesn't want you to go to counseling).

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Quaddie

The doctor said he did not think it was bi-polar but that it was generalized anxiety. He put him on meds. At first they were wonderful. He was back to the man I met. No criticism, no anxiety, easy-going. As months went on though, it started coming back and as an added treat, he started drinking very heavily (a noted side effect of the medicine that the doctor didn't bother to mention). We agreed he should come off the drug.

Ok so... Who said a noted side-effect of anti-anxiety (or whichever) med is drinking alcohol heavily (alcoholism)???

That doesn't add up. I'm not sure that's even possible. In fact, a lot doesn't seem to add up,  to me.  And if the med wasn't right one,  usually  you work with your doctor to find a different one. 

This feels all sorts of weird,  to me.  Like he may be lying and manipulating about the meds. And maybe a closet alcoholic? And possibly some other thing,  but who knows,.....

It all doesn't add up to legit,  to me. 

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Deja Vu

Quaddie,

If you look it up, the seratonine drugs (SRI and SNRI), they have a a side effect of alcohol cravings and alcohol abuse.  I verified this with a pharmacist.  It is buried deep in the warnings and is supposedly rare, but he said it also reduces impulse control and he felt the two together could definitely be at play.  If you go online and look it up, a lot of people had that. There were studies where recovered alcoholics that had not touched a drink in 20 years could not control themselves, and folks who never drank more than a few drinks a year were feeling compelled to drink alcohol by the bottle.  One woman I read about lost everything.  Once she got off she was back to normal within a couple of weeks.  My husband said he noticed it immediately....within days, but thought he was handling it.  I did not notice it for several months. It got worse and worse.  He did not realize the extent until even friends of his noticed it.  He admitted it and this, combined with the fact it was no longer working....(also noted in studies is you need increasing amounts to get the same effect), we decided to take him off.  Since he went off the drug, his drinking is normal again.  Occasional.  And I do not believe he is hiding it.  Once I am aware of something, I am good at spotting it.  This side effect is real, documented and terrifying, considering doctors tell you nothing of it. 

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Quaddie

Well the other thing is,  he could try different medications.  That's typical when trying to treat these things....having to try and tweak for quite some time. There are other types of meds. 

On the other hand, someone who is just trying for the sake of being able to say they tried and not for an earnest solution will often give up or decide to stop, or even if it seems like a mutual decision. That's where the manipulation comes in.  It may not even seem like it. 

He tried some meds, which helped then they didn't,  and now not on anything? So it looks like he really didn't want a solution. 

Also, hate to say it, but lots of abusers have anxiety disorders.  The disorder doesn't create the abusive mindset..it reveals it, imo.

 

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SMB73
On February 9, 2017 at 0:10 PM, Quaddie said:

Well the other thing is,  he could try different medications.  That's typical when trying to treat these things....having to try and tweak for quite some time. There are other types of meds. 

On the other hand, someone who is just trying for the sake of being able to say they tried and not for an earnest solution will often give up or decide to stop, or even if it seems like a mutual decision. That's where the manipulation comes in.  It may not even seem like it. 

He tried some meds, which helped then they didn't,  and now not on anything? So it looks like he really didn't want a solution. 

Also, hate to say it, but lots of abusers have anxiety disorders.  The disorder doesn't create the abusive mindset..it reveals it, imo.

 

Both my  bad ex  and  another pretty good ex  had  anxiety.   (have.)   The way the deal with their medications speaks volumes.  My bad ex  didn't really seem to  try while my pretty  good ex  was vigilant about making sure both his meds were working and that he got therapy as well. (He had a terrible childhood but was never a victim about it,)

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