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hoping

Update on Took A Step

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hoping

I was hoping third time would be a charm, It wasn't. I didn't know they closed early on Wednesday, so I went back on Thursday which made it the third time in two weeks. My husband called after I pulled into the parking spot and ask me what I was doing and where was I at. I didn't want to lie to him, so I told him that it was a surprise and that I would tell him later. I went in and was called to a window where a lady ask me what I needed. I told her the story and ask to speak to a supervisor. She sent the manager over to talk to me, she was firm and said I can tell you the same thing that the lady at the window did. She acted like she didn't like to be bothered by me. She wasn't mean, just not friendly. She then told me they could assess me, but they would still have to contact my husband to see what he says. I told her ok and she directed me to a different window to a different lady who I explained to that I didn't want my husband to know because he was emotionally and verbally abusive. She said it is our policy, but said I will be back. She came back and said that she could call my husband and ask him what he thought without telling him it was my idea. I told her it wouldn't probably do any good because he would say no I wasn't capable. She said it was either that or get a dr to sign the paper. I ask if I could try to find a dr and if I could call her later and let her know what I wanted to do. She said yes and gave me a number to call. I was so angry when I left there so I decided to find a place to eat lunch. I then tried to call the number she gave me and I could not get a hold of a person. After that I texted my husband and told him what I had done and that they would not do it without his say so or a doctors. I told him not to call me griping because I wouldn't answer my phone and it would be turned off and he could only text me. He text me back and said he wasn't feeling very successful lately, and it takes about all the money we get to pay for everything. He said he could use my help. I text back and told him I know. I was so mad at him! He needs my help!  What has he been doing emotionally and verbally to help me? He had been helping me financially, but what about emotional support? His abuse hadn't helped my problems or helped me to feel better about myself or my life while I was trying to work. I started asking myself, "Doesn't he get it?"  " Doesn't he understand?"  " Does he understand, and is he faking it?"  No, I don't think he is faking his feelings about feeling unsuccessful or worried about money, and them taking it away form us because they think I'm well enough to work, but he is trying to manipulate me into not taking this chance. I understand why he feels this way, he would have to support me if I don't go back to work.  The problem is that he doesn't understand my side of the story. I am with someone that is abusive and want to be more dependent on myself. On the drive home I told myself, " Whether he knows what he is doing or not, whether it is a lack of empathy or whatever the situation is with him, I don't want to be a victim anymore. It hurts me whether he means it or not or has empathy or not. I was afraid to go home and take a chance he would be angry and start griping at me, I started to go somewhere else for awhile, but decided to go home. When I got home he was in a normal good mood, didn't seem angry, and we didn't discuss it. We talked about others things. Except for a few words he said today, I felt like I was with a different person. Today he was more like a mild mannered young boy who was afraid and worried. I wonder how it will be when he acts like the angry other person. I feel like I am still on guard even though he isn't showing any anger toward me.

The place I go to for medical will not help me or anybody get disability or sign anything to do with disability because they do not want their employees to miss work if they have to go to court due to disability. I am going to try to get more medical coverage that I will pay for and find a different counselor and psychiatrist. Then I will ask if they will help me to get my check put into my account.

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Quaddie

I'm sorry that it was a bad experience. But I'm glad you're not giving up. This is your life and you're entitled to it.

What you're requesting isn't about disability per se, it's about conservatorship. That's sort of a separate issue. You can be disabled and still have your own conservatorship.

Is there another practitioner within your current coverage you can see? Someone has to be able to do this assessment. I'm angry on your behalf that it seems like they're giving you the runaround. 

You are telling them your husband is abusive and they're just not getting it. You can't be the only person in the world this has ever happened to. I wonder if there is a separate agency that can help advocate for you. You need someone to be on your side. 

Perhaps you can contact a local domestic violence agency and ask them if they know of any resources you could ask for assistance. Another is that there is usually some sort of agency for assistance and prevention of elder abuse. I don't know your age (and I'm not saying you're elderly!!!) BUT this is the kind of thing they deal with - someone who is unable to advocate for themselves because they are being abused by their caretaker.

You have rights as a person and a human and I hate that this is so difficult. 

I'm sorry you felt like you had to tell your h. He's never going to understand your side. He only wants to control you. He's not going to relinquish control. Expect a wide range of behaviors. The sad hurt worried boy is a guilt-trip hoover. It's an aspect of control, manipulation. He's worried he's losing control. His angst about the money? Well that's pure control/manipulation, too. It's not his money. He doesn't get to be pissed-off if he doesn't get to control your money anymore. That's out of bounds. It's an irrelevant argument. If you get control of your own funds, it doesn't mean you wouldn't contribute to the household. 

What he really sees it as? That if you get control of your own funds, you're not as "stuck" with him anymore. And that's the ultimate loss of control.

Also, I forget - have you seen a lawyer about what your rights might be if you did split? Also a lawyer might be able to advise you on the financial control thing, or connect you with someone who could advocate or assist. 

I'd recommend not discussing it with your h anymore. The less he knows, the better. Anything he knows will really just backfire onto you.  You have rights to do things on your own and even lie to protect yourself. He does not own you. 

 

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whitebutterfly11

(((Hoping)))

This has got to be frustrating, especially working with others who don't understand the abuse and how important our independence is in the face of it.

You have a right to ask for this money to be sent exclusively to you, because it's yours. Not anyone else's. Not his, even though he will tell you otherwise, or try and make you feel guilty for claiming what belongs to you. You are standing up for your own rights, your own freedom. I think it is healthy, legitimate, and part of your right as a human being to ask for this. You are doing amazing work! 

I'm sorry if I'm not completely up-to-date: do you have health coverage or insurance? There is usually a list of physicians that work under your coverage, that you can choose from. Maybe knowing you have a few options will help a little. I would research it online, see if you can log into your health insurance account and see what your benefits are and what practitioners work through your insurance. Maybe you've already done all of that, and if so, please disregard.

Your husband's reaction might have appeared to be polite, but like Quaddie mentioned, he's realizing you are trying to step back into your own power (which is FANTASTIC) and he's changing the way he's reacting because he realizes that, despite his constant stream of  abusive treatment toward you, you are still standing up for yourself. You're taking action independent of him. It's sending him the rightful message that you are not an extension of him, but your own human being with a right to do what you need to do for yourself. This might take him back a little, or threaten his power in some way. He might be shifting his tactics because his abuse isn't working. He's losing his power. So he might be switching over to Mr. Nice Guy mode to appease you and charm you into backing out of this. If that doesn't work, he might turn into sad, depressed, mopey Guy who isn't getting his way. Or Tantrum Guy who melts down like a child when people don't act the way he wants. That's him desperately grasping for whatever tactic will oppress you again. I doubt it will last long before he diverts back to his usual abusive tactics.

My advice? Keep your communication minimal and casual with him. Be pleasantly detached. Then keep quietly doing what you're doing behind the scenes, leaving no trail for him to follow. He doesn't deserve to know what you're doing because he'll exploit it. Then, using all of this amazing strength you are generating inside of you, keep taking these important steps. And don't hesitate to tell us here, because we'll cheer you on! :)

(((You are doing it!))) 

 

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hoping

Quaddie

I go to an Indian clinic which is free, and I'm so grateful for that, but it is their policy to not get involved with disability at all. I have medicare A, but don't have medicare part B. I have decided to sign up for B which will cost me plus some extra for not having it for awhile. I tried finding a psychiatrist and paying out of pocket for an assessment, but the ones I called don't do that. I believe they would have if I was already their patient or was going to go to their therapist and psychiatrist. I will sign up, find a therapist and psychiatrist and start seeing them and ask them to assess me. Part of my h work is self employment. He told me today that he has more work which I know will help him to feel more successful and take that part of the stress off of me. I am going to try to sign up without him knowing, but he may see it later when my check in his account is less.

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Quaddie

You may want to contact a lawyer. My daughter was able to get one pro bono when she got her own financial conservatorship back (of course, her conservator was stealing from her, so there was that...) but on disability you may be able to contact a free or inexpensive legal resource to assist you.

This is a legal matter and you deserve advocacy to assist and advise you, if there is any way to obtain it. They may also have connections with practitioners willing to assist.

 

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hoping

Quaddie

Thank you for your advice. I may end up doing that.

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hoping

whitebutterfly

Yes it is. The clinic I go to for medical treatment ask questions about depression and your home life. They ask me recently and I told them I was being emotionally and verbally abused. She said, " Well at least it's not physical, that's good." Some people don't understand. My husband is feeling better now. As I told Quaddie, he has another job which is helping him to feel better about himself and makes money. He is acting nice and normal for now. I'm glad, it is a relief. Also, I go to an Indian clinic and they won't have anything to do with disability. I am going to sign up for medicare part B so I can see a new counselor and psychiatrist. He probably doesn't feel so threatened now due to them telling me that they need a dr to sign the papers or him. I going to try to keep it a secret that I am still pursuing to get my money put in my account. He will find out later, but it will be done then.

Quaddie  and whitebutterfly thank you for telling me you insights on my husbands behavior. Thank you for your encouragement.

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percolate

There may be a counselor at your local domestic violence center.  They can also try to help you get a doctor's note so that you can handle your own money.  They may also have a lawyer who could help you.

 

You do not have to be hit to use the services of the domestic violence center-they are very familiar with emotional abuse. 

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hoping

Percolate

Thank you for telling me this. I have felt embarrassed to talk to them, due to I haven't been hit and trying to do it without involving them. I will keep this in mind.

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hoping

I have been checking out some of my options to help me to get my check put in my bank. I checked on getting medicare part B, but at this time have decided to wait and see if I can get other help due to it being more expensive than I thought it would be. I called a place I use to go to for counseling and to see a psychiatrist and was told what days I could come in to sign up. I am going to go there and see what the cost will be and if it is cheaper than medicare part B.

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blueskye

Congratulations on taking steps. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

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Bennu

Good for you, hoping.

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hoping

Blueskye and Bennu Thank you

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percolate
On 1/31/2017 at 11:13 AM, hoping said:

Percolate

Thank you for telling me this. I have felt embarrassed to talk to them, due to I haven't been hit and trying to do it without involving them. I will keep this in mind.

I was never hit and found that my local DV center was are well acquainted with emotional abuse and very helpful. In fact, most of the women in the group I attended for a little while had never been hit.

They are also very well acquainted with financial abuse-it's a common tactic to keep women in line.  And your h is financially abusive.  Their services are free (or available on a sliding scale-if you have the means to pay-which you don't).

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hoping

percolate

Since you said they were helpful with you and you were not hit, I checked on-line for the closest DMVS's. I found two, and hoping at least one will be able to help me. Thank you

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hoping

Percolate

I called and talked to the two domestic services and one was under the umbrella of where I go for medical, so they can't help and the other place said they don't have any services for that. I called a psychiatrist office and she said she will ask the psychiatrist and see if she will do an assessment and how much it would cost me out of pocket. I can pay a certain amount of money. The other place I use to go to has a sliding scale and I can check on that tomorrow, but since it is in a different state it will still cost me 50% of what they charge.

I found a place after I posted the above that said with what we make I can go to counseling for free and they have a nurse practitioner that prescribes the medication. Now I need to call social security again and see if a nurse practitioner can sign the paper instead a doctor.

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