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BlurryFace

Cycle of Confusion

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BlurryFace

Hi all! So...since posting my story here I have gotten my support system pretty well put together, and yet I still feel....well everything. I am now going to college at a small school close by, I have a part time job, I am going to counseling weekly and am making some slow progress! Everything is going pretty well...all except my emotions.

The fact that I went through four years of manipulation which lead up to horrible things and almost worse things didn't dawn on me until recently...memories of everything that was said and texted, the trust, the good times and the bad, everything: it's killing me. I have already tried to attempt suicide twice about four months ago...and I am trying with every fiber of my being to not go down that road again as I am very aware that the third try could be my last.

But how am I to move past this low point when all these lawyers, attorneys and everyone associated wants me to talk (in detail) about the very thing that I am trying to forget? In a few months now I will likely be sitting in a court room testifying against the very man that caused me all this suffering, after that, everyone will know this story. I will have no where to hide and I've never been so terrified, I am only eighteen! I have never been so confused and untrusting of others in my whole life. Down to the point of this post though...I know I have a counselor for a reason and that I can ask the very same to them but I figured before I did I would ask a group of people that have actually went through this very thing and might have some good advice first.

How do you move past the turmoil? I know its not a quick process by any means but how do you trust yourself and others again? How do you make yourself feel worthy of a normal life and how do you continue with life in general? It seems I can't go one day without everything haunting me, there is so much pressure and so much I just don't understand. While all my so called friends complain about their heavy college schedules I am balancing a whole legal act with mine and I am feeling the affects of this stress more and more everyday. I know there is no magical advice that will solve everything but I just need something doable and someone relatable. I have gotten better within these months don't get me wrong! But I'm on a timer till crap completely hits the fan and I just feel like I need to recover as much as possible before another hit comes.Thank you for taking time to read this, I don't mean to complain abut my situation by any means, I'm just trying to find answers.

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Bennu

I think you have to take it one little step at a time. One day at a time, a few moments at a time occasionally. You need time and don't let the expectation of others interfere. It will take how long it takes. I'm sorry you had to go through all that at such a young age.

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Fluffyflea

 

Can you see a doctor? Maybe an anti depressant to help you get through this....

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Quaddie

Medication can be indespensible. Whether the right solution is an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety med, or a combination.... there's nothing wrong with needing something to get through this really difficult hurdle.

Another thing is that you try not to expect too much of yourself. Feel however you feel. That's okay. If you pressure yourself to heal as much as possible before the next hit comes, then you're bound to fail yourself and make yourself feel even worse. Healing doesn't happen that quickly, or on a timetable. You become ready for things as you become ready - and no sooner.

It will probably take a long time - so be gentle with yourself and try not to make expectations of yourself. Just know that however you feel, that's how you feel right now, and it's okay to feel that way. It doesn't mean that you will feel that way forever, or even tomorrow, or even in 10 minutes...   None of it is forever, but there's no way to rush it. It's going to take the time it needs. SO the first way to treat yourself well, is to allow yourself the time you need.

Has it only been months? (You mentioned you've gotten better in these months...)  That's really not even a blip in time. So try not to be hard on yourself about it. There's enough pressure from the "outside," so try not to add to it by having expectations of yourself about this.

 

It DOES get better, but it does take time. So, in the meantime, to get you through the crush, it may be a good idea to ask your doctor about some medicinal support. It's normal to need that at this point.

 

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BlurryFace

Thank you to everyone who has commented,  I used to be on anti depressants even before all this hit but after the overdoses on them....well that whole idea was gone altogether! But one thing is true...this all came out about eight months ago, since that its been hell trying to figure things out. But I really do have to remember that it hasn't even been a year yet...of course I'm not going to be all good at this point! I really do expect way too much, I think its just because the outside pressure really has made the reality of it all foggy. Thank you for your suggestions and advice though, I will keep them in mind as I continue. I appreciate it! God bless.

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Fluffyflea

 

They aren't worth killing ourselves over.

We do get better.

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lizzibethak

Blurry...............you have really come so far even if it doesn't feel like it right now.  

Suggestions:  Volunteer work.............check out the local humane society or animal shelter........even if it's only for a couple of hours a month.  

                      Therapy animal...............you'll never know until you ask your counselor and it might be the beginning of a great love affair between you and a special animal.

                      Journaling.................find something every day to be grateful for............even if it's just that you didn't smear your eyeliner!

                      Laugh..................find something that makes you laugh every day............even if it's watching cartoons...........

Remember...........you are stronger than you ever thought you could be and you will get through this!

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blueskye

The word that you said that jumped out at me was "worthy." Why do you not feel worthy of a normal life? Because of the abuse you endured? You didn't ask for the abuse. It was forced on you against your will. You ARE worthy of a normal life! You ARE worthy of love and happiness! You are a lovely human being and a special person too. Don't let that person steal that away from you! How dare they! You have done nothing wrong! In fact going to trial is d a m n brave! You've got power oozing out your pores right now! You're WINNING, don't ya see? Keep going! Don't let them continue to steal your joy, your you. 

But in your post you asked how so here's how I did it. I bought some dry erase markers and two whiteboards. I wrote positive quotes (and for me, bible verses) all over them to help me. Some are quotes from people on this board (like Quaddie and Bennu :D) or memes, or from books, etc. You can also write on your mirrors with dry erase markers. I have great fun with that! On my bathroom mirror right above my head a I made a thought bubble that reads "Sometimes people won't like me and that's ok." It's been there for a year and I still read it and soak that in. It helps me to remember that I don't have to please everybody anymore. And the ones that don't like me, just let them go and it's ok. Even if they're family. 

Another one says "It's ok to take care of my own needs first." This is a big deal for me because I WAS TAUGHT through my Christian upbringing to put others first. I feel that lead to my codependent ways. So I'm having to rewire that thinking so I NEED to see that everyday so having it on my whiteboard forces me to read it constantly. 

Another good one is "Be your own hero." I like that one because I don't need someone to rescue me. I will rescue myself. I left the abuse myself. I even take it a step further and use it pamper myself, which is very important. As a married woman I NEVER got a mani/pedi. It was considered a waste of money. So now, if I'm feeling blue, I go treat myself to a mani/pedi or buy some good chocolate or good cheese or good wine. I pamper myself! I'm not going to wait for a man to do this FOR me. I'm going to be my own hero.

But come up with quotes that help you. Have fun decorating your boards/mirrors and get artsy doing it. Someone else mentioned journaling and I'm a big fan of that but it sounded like as a college student there may not be a lot of time for that. But what's good about journaling is to go back and read what you were saying a month ago or 4 months ago. Even if it's negative stuff it can reveal progress that you didn't realize was happening. When I started journaling, something magical happened! I can't explain it. It was like my eyes were opened and things were revealed and things started to make sense for me. I love my journal and still do it. If you have the time, I highly recommend it.

The main thing is, be kind to yourself. You deserve it! Be patient with yourself. You're in THE MIDDLE of the chaos still so don't expect too much too soon. It's ok to feel overwhelmed right now. That's normal and ok. 

Take suicide off the table. You WILL survive this. Life WILL get better. Hold your head up and know that by going to court, you are doing the right thing, and that's incredibly brave! I don't know if I could face my abuser and speak about him in public. That takes a lot of moxie and you've got it! Yay you! 

 

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Quaddie

Blueskye brings up a really good theme (and thank you ;))......    The concept of taking care of the self, of putting the self first.

It's hard to learn if you grew up basically being outside yourself and your own needs - or have experienced abuse. It takes conscious effort but it does start to sink in. And what it does it sort of steer life around to put you more in the driver's seat of your own self-ness. 

So putting quotes like that everywhere - or in places you see them often - is a really good idea. I have some that get buried, and every time they become un-buried it's like I see it for the first time. Oh yeah! That! So I need to put things in plain sight so they start to sink in.

Like "It's ok to take care of my own needs first." I have a bunch like that. In fact, I have a post-it on the windowsill next to me that says "My Needs Matter." "I Matter." "I am Important" - "I am just as important as anyone else" - "My needs are just as important as anyone else's."  <-- with the instruction to repeat them to myself several times a day. I think it's begun to sink in, as I realize I'm thinking differently sometimes. So it works.

I forget which of the books, but it might be "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel which has some good stuff about these things. I think also, "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber. And of course, for all-around help, "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine has really great, practical and real stuff that it's surprising especially as women we don't learn, but really is important for learning to inhabit yourself and grant yourself validity as a person. And from there stems health-care.

Oh yeah - and another type of sayings and thinkings would be along the lines of like she mentioned, "It's okay if not everybody likes me." Also there are ones about not defining yourself based on what you think others see you as. (That's tricky, I think... and trying to not worry about changing their minds, etc.) This also is a boundaries thing but it's a different aspect. 

So I think doing those little things for yourself that really acknowledge that you are valid and important and real in this world - like Blueskye mentioned a mani-pedi, or anything that makes you feel special and doing it for yourself - and making it a habit - teaches your inner self that you value yourself. 

And that's the most important stepping stone, I think.

 

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blueskye

Download the song "Comeback Kid" by The Band Perry. And memorize it. 

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BlurryFace

Thanks so much to the recent posts, they made me cry- but in the best way. That understanding is the very thing that helps, that is the very thing that will be my source of energy for the upcoming battle. I had never even thought of the quotes- and I love quotes! I cannot thank you enough.

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MorningGlory

I understand the suicide attempts. You mention that third time might be your last because you are gaining understanding each time you try and your a little scared of that strength. My father did commit suicide and one thing is when you do that your not in your right mind. He may have not seen a way out or at that particular time felt very little value to his life. What is true is he left behind many people that loved him. His sister stood at his grave regularly for years. His mom lost a huge piece of her joy. I enjoyed the simple things he taught me. He was a huge value to us. You are a great value to people you just might have not heard it directly from them. 

Know that this time will pass. It might be confusing and empty right now. This is not who you are. It is a short time in your whole life. It just takes one class to get a certificate. One certificate to get a job. One jobs to have a recommendation. One recommendation to get promoted. One promotion to get offered an opportunity. One leap of faith to take a new path. On moment of happiness after a success to be proud of the distance you traveled. People will stumble in and out of your process. You will meet idots again. Just think of how much you can see now that you faced this cold person. You can see it in people. Why you might see to much for a short time. The balance will come back. You will start to gain understanding I see this in this one area. I can test that one area with this individual. You will base your understanding off of your tested results. You have the knowledge now to kind of snuff some stuff out. This will help you in all your future opportunities. Slowly transfer the pain to positive understanding of recognizing good and bad natures.

It is here that once you traveled in time. Your mind knows how to heal!!!! You do not have to take some down time your mind will be tired but it will do the work for you. Just build slow positive and steady. The people that want to know more. Hey this is left up to you. I would let them know your too upset to process everything you went through. It was traumatic. Let them know that once you have some healing time you would be glad to revisit the matter. That you're grateful and you just need some time. I was slightly honest with people I just felt my EX would cause more damage if I left him to his own devices. You have the right to say as little as you want. I kind of did not leave people the ability to make their own story up. People like to talk and telling a small bit of information can work for you too, I think the questions people ask are key. If they are not asking the right questions then its because they have other thoughts. You can switch things and say I appreciate your question but you know the question I will be willing to answer is this? If you asked me that I would gladly answer it. Your just letting them know you have a little control with the information they take in. You do not just error opinions. You have deep talks about matters. Verbal fluff in the wrong hands can make healing a pain. You might lose a few friends do not worry. You true friends will dig deeper and ask some good questions. They see truths and evidence not feelings. When you went through trauma you are allowed to feel. Just do not operate off the pain you felt. 

You can do this it is a much shorter time than you know. 

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percolate

You've accomplished a lot in a very short period of time.  It's often hard to recognize how much you've accomplished, and to recognize that you're worthy of having a normal life free of abuse. 

It's especially important to recognize that your needs must take priority.  Too many of us are taught by parents and religious institutions that expressing needs is "selfish" and that our needs are unimportant compared to others.  When you take care of yourself, it's much easier to give and take care of others.

In terms of getting through court-can you ask your local domestic violence center if an advocate can accompany you to court. Many domestic violence centers recognize how traumatic it is to go to court and have to face your abuser and have staff and volunteers who can go with you for support.

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whitebutterfly11

Hi Blurry Face. :) 

It sounds like you've really done some incredible work towards freeing yourself from abuse, and I look up to you for it. 

If you look back on your journey, how long you endured the abuse, how much you had to give up in yourself to tolerate this situation, the courage it took to find yourself enough to walk away . . . you've been through something massive, and you've survived it. It's like coming off a battle, weatherworn, hanging up your sword and resting for awhile. Except that memories of the battle are still there haunting you, and each time you have to talk about what happens, it's like you are back there in that battlefield reliving it all. That would be incredibly hard to do. Especially because we repress so much in our abusive situations that when we get out, it's like all the pain and grief of it all washes over us all at one, and it's overwhelming. So painful. 

But you are doing it.

Each day you get up feeling weatherworn, remember what you've been through, what YOU overcame, all on your own.

It's amazing.

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BlurryFace

A huge thanks to everyone that commented, I gained a lot of insight and information through this. I will take all recommendations and advice into whole hearted consideration and thought. I have rushed everything my whole life, so maybe this one time I can slow down and give myself time to heal as well. And you know, I really have come a long way, there is no "how to" manual on any of these emotions and there are resources other than my current ones that I can find to help. Thanks to everyone!

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MorningGlory

You are welcome! :-) 

 

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Over and Out

Hi Blurryface,

Everyone else had good suggestions.

I have one little tip about medications.  My lovely D16 has also taken overdoses.  To help keep her safe, she and I get our antidepressants in Webster packs each week.  This means that we only every have a maximum of 7 days of tablets in the house.  (I also lock them away, as well as everything else harmful if she feels unsafe).  

The Webster pack is like a 7 day blister pack for older people to sort medications by day and time.  Mine only has one tablet a day.  The pharmacist keeps the full pack of tablets and just gives me 7 at a time.  Similar for D16 and anyone else who needs medication in my house.  D16's hospital suggested it one time after she overdosed.

Maybe this would help for you?  It might mean you can't keep enough tablets in the house to be dangerous, while still being able to get some relief from anxiety and depression.

Hugs if you want them.

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clurichaun

All the hugs. And understanding. And all kinds of empathy. Being suicidal is horrible. But remember there are always reasons not to do it too. You are strong enough. You are a good and deserving person. And everything coming at you now just remember, it will end. All the bad stuff will happen but then it will be over. And then there will be good stuff. Wonderful things and you want to be here for those! I know it's hard I feel that way too. Sometimes that easy way though is a lie. It's not easy. Not for anyone you care about. Stay strong and look at all the reasons to love yourself.

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