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Noname

boundaries. communication rules if she wants to talk

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Noname

I put my story in the other forum.  it is typical of sibling abuse.  however I am meeting with a counselor and he made some pretty good rules.

1.  I am not to be in the same room or vicinity of her.  no exceptions.

2. no one is to act as a go between.  currently she is using my mother and so am I as a go between. that is to end.

3. no one is to bring the subject up to her. if she wants to deal with it and make amends  she has to be the one to start it and she has to either write me a letter and I open it in the therapists office  or we have a conversation in the therapists office or via conference call so it is on our terms and he is in charge of how the conversation goes.

4. he told me point blank that she will not initiate contact and make amends since she is so full of herself and so far he is right. we have not had contact in over 2 years and I am more than ok with that.

5. he also said you have a high intellect, use that to your advantage and take control of the situation instead of her controlling it. in other words stick to the above boundaries and don't let her muddy the waters.

6. thoughts anyone??

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MorningGlory

Yes keep telling yourself that the situation that she perceives is not real. The only real situation is one where you're allowed to participate in. Those are her feelings and just because someone feels does not warrant a response from you. People are off all the time. You are free to love and feel and those people around you will allow you to love and feel good things. They will not focus on problems all the time. You are moving away from problems and into health. 

- The only real situation is one you participate in and you will never give your healthy boundaries away. You are healed and healthy keep it in a past tense then and talk who you are now. 

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blueskye

Noname, I pretty much got the same advice from my therapist and it's all good advice and gets easier with time. You're already no contact and actively avoiding her so you're off to a great start. Our young adult son was the go between and still is as far is ex is concerned. I do not involve our son. I cannot control what ex does so that's on him. In the other post you mentioned that your mom is finally starting to realize how affected you really are and I'm so happy she is finally starting to see the light! You need her support! Maybe she will get your dad on board. Sit them down and tell them to stop insisting that you 2 reconcile. This situation is very different and cannot be handled that way. 

Your sister needs to learn the hard life lesson that if you treat people like crap, they will leave you! She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it. Don't expect her to apologize. I can just about guarantee that she tells a story about how you've done HER wrong and she's a victim of you! That's what they do! Cut her out as toxic poison and stay healthy. You don't want to hear that version because it will only piss you off and set you back! Do all those things to stay away. I had a well meaning neighbor once tell me something my ex-narc said and it really messed with me. I wish she hadn't told me but she didn't know I was so sensitive and I didn't know to stop her until it was too late. It was blurted out and done. 

I have a relative who sounds just like your sister and now in her 50s she is ALL ALONE! Just her and her dogs. She has kids, grandkids and lots of people who have cut her out. It took a while for everyone to catch on, for everyone to throw up their boundaries, including me. She still refuses to apologize to people she's hurt. They've all done HER wrong, to hear her tell it! She doesn't know I know both sides! This will be your sister's future. Be glad you are rising above that! 

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Noname

sorry I have not been on here in a while.  I love these responses. It validates my position.  I like you comment of "your sister needs to learn the hard life lesson that if you treat people like crap they will leave you"  she has not and never will learn that.  I also love how you state she will tell the story of how you (meaning myself ) have done her wrong and she is the victim. absolutely true on all accounts.  yes, my sister is now in her 50s and I do get the feeling she is all alone. she sure as heck has no friends at work the way she berates them and tells us when she visits how stupid they are. another thing.  I have another family member who made some comment that hit home too.  it was "whenever I saw your sister you could tell there was anger and rage in her eyes"  sound familiar to any of your experiences??

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lizzibethak

No name.............when narcs don't get their way they become more and more critical and judgmental.  And my XH would have total meltdowns known as narcissistic rages where he would look like evil itself and black out because of the intensity.  Scary stuff...........and so glad I am free.

 

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