Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
chrysalis

My story

Recommended Posts

chrysalis

I apologize in advance for this loooonnnnggg post.

I will be married 24 years this month. Our marriage seemed made in Heaven. We met on a Friday and were engaged by the next Saturday and married seven months later, but lived together most of the time until the wedding. I was 19 and he was 20 when we met, 20 and 21 when we married. He was so wonderful. Such a wonderful lover, very caring and compassionate, a hard worker, had his own business. Nice to everyone, loving and gentle with me. Understanding, we could talk for hours and our goals were perfectly aligned.

When we had our first child 5 years after the wedding, he was a wonderful daddy and was very involved. Didn't mind changing diapers and getting up with our son. Spent all of his time when not working with us. When my son was 3, I returned to school with my husband's blessing and he took a job out of town so that he could support us better. I couldn't have asked for a better provider and partner. He was still so loving and caring. We agreed that when I finished school for my LPN, he would stay at home with our son until he went to school at age 6, so approximately 2 years away. He did so and was a wonderful stay at home. Did the cleaning, cooking (after learning how lol), laundry, yard work and even worked on remodeling the house. I was very spoiled.

So fast forward to when our son started school. I spoke to H about getting a job, and he had some excuses. No big deal, we were doing fine. Then after about a year, he just stopped doing anything at home. No housework, cooking, laundry, etc. Started spending money on large purchases without any discussion and still refused to get a job, while expecting me to work and do all the housework. I should say that while I was the stay at home, he never had to lift a finger, at all.  Around the time he stopped, we lost my niece to SIDS at 15 weeks and he had been very close to her. We kept her often and I do actually feel that was a catalyst for his change. This has been part of the reason I have stayed so long, because I feel his problem started out as an emotional one and that makes me sad and makes me want to excuse all of his behavior.

After another year or so, he decided, with my OK to open a photography studio. He had been doing it as a hobby and was very, very good. He found a storefront in a nice area of a nearby town, with cheap rent and opened his business. I financed it. Overhead wasn't bad, maybe around $600-800 a month. During this time, one of our cars broke down and he began driving the only other car, one I had just bought new a few months before. He would take me to work and drop me off and then pick me up at the end of the day. the big problem was not the cost of gas for all the driving, but that he was consistently late to pick me up. Sometimes 30 mins, sometimes as much as 3 hours and a couple times almost 5 hours. He always had excuses and just couldn't seem to understand why I was upset, after all I had my own office where I could wait, so what was the big deal?? He wasn't cheating, because most of the time, our son was with him. This rocked on for years and during that time, he blew the engine on the brand new car that was only a little over a year old. So he parked that one and we bought another one, while still making payments on that one. He has since run about 5 cars into the ground. No upkeep,  and putting so many miles on them because he is still taking me to work and picking me up and still consistently late. Anyway, he had his business for about two years. The first year went ok for a new business, but then, no customers for about a year, so I insisted he close and suggested he do on location photography, so we didn't have the overhead, but he refused. He closed his business, and just wouldn't do anything if he couldn't have a studio. I still feel that he would have done great with on location.

 A couple of years later, I returned to school for prerequisite classes for my RN, taking a class or two at a time, while working full time. I mentioned him getting a job, but nope, he couldn't. So then I started actual RN school, which is so difficult, even without working, while I was working full time, and still cleaning and cooking because he wouldn't. I again begged him to get a job, so I could drop to part time, but he wouldn't. So I was working full time, doing the housework, going to school, doing 12 hour clinicals, dealing with school work for my son and still being dropped off at work. He did let me drive to clinicals and school. During this time, we didn't have a car and he had talked a friend into letting us borrow a car.  I finished school with my RN after a year and half of this Hell. And we did finally get another car, but he still wouldn't let me drive.

During these years he became very verbally and emotionally abusive, and I must admit, I reciprocated. We both screamed and yelled and were terrible to each other. He kept telling me that he hated me and wanted me dead. That he would love to just kill me or that he was going to divorce me. I took him at his word and I am ashamed to admit, I had an affair. I actually fell in love with the guy and almost left H for him after about 2 1/2 years of seeing this guy off and on. My H of course cried and promised he would change. And he has, for the worse.

A year after I finished school, I found out I was pregnant again. Our only son was 14!! and I was 39. I continued to work full time and keep the house. I took FMLA  for 12 weeks when our son was born. I asked him again to get a job, even if just while I was out of work, but he refused again. I will say, he was (and still is) a great daddy. He would get up at night and change diapers and was so loving with our baby.

Fast forward again, I have been an RN for 6 years, and we have since bought a house. I took $23,000 out of my retirement to pay down $15,000 and have enough for moving expenses and to pay the tax penalty for taking the money out. He would not pay the taxes, so now I am paying a monthly payment to the IRS for that. The money just disappeared. I know where some of it went and I will admit, I spent some. I figured if he wouldn't let me spend it where it needed to go, then he wasn't gonna spend it alone, but he spent the bulk of it. I wanted to fix one of the many cars we had that needed repaired so that I would have a car and our son, who was 17 would as well, because neither of us had one. This was after I bought a used Escalade for myself that my husband ended up blowing the head gasket in the car he was driving and took mine, and still hasn't fixed that car after 4 years!

Two years ago, I took on a second job, working every other weekend, so a minimum of 32 extra hours a month and he still refuses to get a job. It was to help pay off some loans and the 14 pawns that he has made so that we could pay our bills. I am paying approximately $430 a month on just the interest on the pawns and around $450 on small loans. This eats up all I am making at my second job. It was supposed to be for six months, but magically, our expenses expanded to need my second income.

I am still doing the most of the housework, probably at least 75%. He still spends whatever he wants, but when I say we need to go get groceries, we  "don't have the money". But if we go to an estate sale and buy $100 of "stuff" he is ok with that. I haven't had a haircut in almost two years and color my own hair at home, while he goes and gets haircuts that are twice the cost of mine. Both my oldest son and I need dental work, but we "can't afford" the copays according to my H. He hasn't given our son, who will soon be five, one bath. I do all of that, or our older son does. (who also has a job)
I will say that while my dad was dying a couple of years ago and for the preceding years of illness, my husband took very good care of my dad. I try to give credit where it is due.

My H will say he wasn't a "flipping" divorce or would love to tie me to a tree out front and slit my throat one day and the next he loves me and acts like he just can't understand why I am upset with him.

I have probably left a lot out, but this is much too long already.

Sorry for the rambling, but I had to get this off my chest. Thank you so much if you took time to read it all.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chachacha

Please don't apologize for the long post.  It's processing, not rambling.  I am here for support too and offer support to  others with similar experiences.   We are hear for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×