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Britzy

Unsuspecting rage

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Britzy

Hi. This is my first post as a new member in this group. 

I was with the abuser for 13 years - since I was 18. I've been free for 19 months. I'm 32. I went through a mental breakdown this time last year. I came through it ok, but still not knowing who I really was. It's a path of discovery for me. 

I remember back in the relationship, towards the end, I would "see red" with rage. Anger. He knew exactly how to push my buttons. He'd insult me, tease me, bait me. I'd get angry and he'd get right in my personal space, daring me to throw the first punch. I'd try to turn my back, move away, even resulted to using headphones to block out his taunts. Regardless it would always end badly. 

I find now that that same rage can return - with a surprisingly swiftness - if I feel threatened or intimidated by anyone, regardless of the context. I don't know what to do with it. 

Before my relationship I was always an emotional person but never violent and never experienced such anger. Now -- I feel that the anger, the red flashes, are part of me. I hate that. I don't want to identify with that. But I don't know what to do. 

They don't happen overly often - but they do occur frequently enough to scare me, and the new person in my life who is trying desperately to support me and be understanding. 

I am so angry at my ex for creating in me this monster. I don't know what to do.

 

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Kanga

Welcome to the forum. I have so much anger too. I find it helps to get it out. I pretend he is listening to me and I say (usually shout and cry) everything I want to say to him. It's just an exercise but it helps me a lot. 

With my anger in situations like with my kids I have decided I will not shout. A therapist helped me with this. She asked if I had ever tried expressing my anger without shouting?  When I thought about it my answer was no. I just thought if I'm angry, shouting happens. I thought that's how the other person will know I'm really angry. But actually you can just say I'm really angry.  And choose something else to release the aggression. Hit a pillow?

It might be a matter of picturing yourself getting angry and behaving in a way you can accept. Make a plan for what you'll do next time your angry. Try to visualise it and so practice it in your head. 

The other night I was angry and starting to shout and I went past a mirror. I saw my face it was so ugly because of my anger and I was repulsed. It was like a monster. 

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hoping

Britzy

I think it helps to talk about it to someone, like you are doing hear. I am still with my abusive husband, and find myself at times getting angry at him before he gets angry at me. Welcome to our site.

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Rensefx
On 26 September 2016 at 1:38 PM, Britzy said:

remember back in the relationship, towards the end, I would "see red" with rage. Anger. He knew exactly how to push my buttons. He'd insult me, tease me, bait me. I'd get angry and he'd get right in my personal space, daring me to throw the first punch. I'd try to turn my back, move away, even resulted to using headphones to block out his taunts. Regardless it would always end badly. 

Oh my!!! The anger and rage are a bit like a virus, but you know what they say we are all energy beings, and if you are someone who is sensitive to people's energy, well there will be some residual rage/anger that we have absorbed from our monster abuser.

I struggled with it more when I was with him than I'm struggling with it now, though it's only been two months, so I'm still chalking up all the losses. A bit like e=mc2, where mine stands for a=lt10 - anger equals losses/trauma to the power of 10 and that's WITHOUT all the actual energy investment I had to make into BS defences from projected infantile arguments that could have invested elsewhere like my real interests or friends for example!!

The neurons in our brains are hard wired to react to the peptides our body releases when threatened in a fight or flight scenario. The more we react the stronger they attach. Neurons that fire together wire together. So we need to stop this process - ahem cough cough .... Easier said then done, but stop we must! NOT strengthening the neural pathway is akin to no contact in getting rid of the bonding to the demon abuser

What I am finding however, is that when I feel it returning I stop immediately and do something else equally as attention grabbing - first it used to be clap my hands really hard as the sting in my hands would tingle or burn just enough to momentarily stun my thought processes but this is not always appropriate depending on where you are e.g. bank or a supermarket! so then sometimes I would just pinch myself - hard! But this can also be counterintuitive as there is still some "unpleasantness" about it all. So now I find other ways that also strengthen the pleasure neural pathways such as if I'm next to the dogs I'll play with them or if not always have my best perfume in my bag to smell. Sometimes when I find something he broke or remember something I've lost because of him - I'll go cook even if it's just custard or jelly (I love both and am always grateful to myself later) - you will find ways to detract the rage - you HAVE to, like your life depends on it! Because whilst your monster will never feel the repercussions, we will!!

 

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Quaddie
On 10/27/2016 at 0:24 AM, Rensefx said:

 when threatened in a fight or flight scenario. The more we react the stronger they attach. Neurons that fire together wire together. So we need to stop this process - ahem cough cough .... Easier said then done, but stop we must! NOT strengthening the neural pathway is akin to no contact in getting rid of the bonding to the demon abuser

What I am finding however, is that when I feel it returning I stop immediately and do something else equally as attention grabbing - first it used to be clap my hands really hard as the sting in my hands would tingle or burn just enough to momentarily stun my thought processes but this is not always appropriate depending on where you are e.g. bank or a supermarket! so then sometimes I would just pinch myself - hard! But this can also be counterintuitive as there is still some "unpleasantness" about it all. So now I find other ways that also strengthen the pleasure neural pathways such as if I'm next to the dogs I'll play with them or if not always have my best perfume in my bag to smell. Sometimes when I find something he broke or remember something I've lost because of him - I'll go cook even if it's just custard or jelly (I love both and am always grateful to myself later) - you will find ways to detract the rage - you HAVE to, like your life depends on it! Because whilst your monster will never feel the repercussions, we will!!

 

Those are really great concepts and ideas. I suspect it applies to more than rage...     I haven't seen anything about strengthening the pleasure pathways as a mechanism to counteract difficult emotions. Usually the "coping" is in sort of a "negative"/unpleasant energy space - you're right. (And none of them work for me! bleh)

That's very interesting. 

I'm wondering if there's ever any unintended side-effects - for example, if one were to use this tactic for intrusive thoughts/flashbacks, then through conditioning would the "pleasant" thing then start to be associated with the "negative" you're trying to counteract?

Hmmmmmmm.........

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