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Fear - Fear is why I haven't filed yet. The answer to the question I always get asked

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I left the marital residence 2 1/2 years ago due to my being over the treatment and fights we were having in front of the kids; and to show him I was serious about wanting a divorce.  He asked if he could stay at the house with the kids because they were his life (well no crap - they're every parent's life).  And I initially said hell no, but then that's when the guilt started.... so I said okay & moved to my mom's 40 min away.  I could just say I was working and wouldn't be around a few nights a week until we figured things out.  Finally after 2 years of verbal abuse because I "abandoned the family" (FYI I am the breadwinner, he is self employed and decided to let things slip bc he was sad I left him. I paid all the bills and was told that was how it would be because I have responsibilities - I have this convo recorded)...so back to it, after 2 years at my moms I said forget this, I miss my kids so freaking much (saw them 5 days a week) and my own space close - I said I'm getting my own place, you are paying the mortgage, we are getting a divorce, I'm not taking your crap anymore.  I'm a great mother dammit!!!!! I left because of HIM.  To protect the kids from them seeing him yelling at me in front of them.  

Now you may ask why I left the kids in the marital home - well it's their home, he is a great father as long as I don't make him mad.  I am his trigger.  Anyway, so I moved into my own place about a mile away in May of this year.  He seemed to calm down.  We agreed in August we would file for divorce after taxes were filed bc we needed that info.  He asked me to just not start dating sometime in Jan/Feb.  I said okay.  I had new friends and have started kind of rebuilding myself this year. I felt good. I wasn't getting yelled at as much for leaving him.  I was getting confident! YAY!  Now again it's now 2 1/2 years since I left and we have been separated.  I started to have feelings for a friend and said you know what, you're a pretty awesome guy. He knew what was going on, actually heard some of the fights on the phone & saw how physically shaken I was when I told the stbx that I had a consultation with a lawyer and I actually had to flee in my car when I got the chance because he was slamming his fists on my hood.  Anyways. My male friend was someone I wanted to date when things were good with me.  He was just supportive. Not dependent on me.  Just a nice guy I could see as a companion for my immediate future when I'm not being a mommy(first priority and always has been) - because I am not interested in getting into a full blown "hey move in and be my husband"  relationship. 

Point of the story... Male friend and I had a pic of us posted on fb and stbx stalked my fb friends and found this picture. He LOST his mind. Threatened suicide. I called cops on him. He was sent to the hospital and was committed. Called me constantly yelling at me for doing this to him.  I told him it wasn't a romantic relationship, but we were separated and getting divorced and he's been on online dating sites for years now, so wtf.  He's like nope, we aren't getting divorced now.  If I can't have you no one can.  "WHY DIDN"T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME!?! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SEE ANYONE!!" was his lines constantly. So this has been 2 months of hell.  I was told by him I will come back to the marital home or there will be hell to pay and my friend and his whole family has a target on their back thanks to me if I don't come back.

I don't feel like I'm a cheating wife, but at the same time I do.  I don't feel like I abandoned the kids, but i do at the same time.  He keeps telling me i won't get custody of my kids because I left the house and the kids...I didn't.  I left him. I was there 3-5 nights a week sleeping on the couch and most of those nights he would yell at me for hours after the kids were in bed.  I've called the cops on him, he would put on the nice guy act, then after they left said how I just wasted their time because he didn't hit me, I just don't like hearing the truth. 

He claims now all this was because I left and he is hurt and frustrated and the longer I take to move back in the more he gets mad because he wants to show me how happy we can be.... Am i missing something??

He tells me I have to stop playing the verbal abuse victim because he told me why he said that and it was all normal reaction to being hurt. Um. So it's okay to threaten my life. Twice. He said i did it too - I did it after he threw me against the wall and I grabbed a pair of scissors and told him to stop or I'm going to kill him.  His threat was during a convo where I told him clearly I do not want to be married to him.  I ignored his texts last night and he was getting pissed.  I replied this morning and said "Im sorry you had a rough night, but I was in bed and done with my phone."  he's like BS i'm not stupid i drove past your house and saw the backdoor open and the lights on.  1) thank you for confirming in a text you stalked me. 2) it was my neighbor's house (i live in townhoses and of course my unit backs to the main road blocked by a bunch of evergreens only so you can see through a little). I told him it wasn't my house he saw.  He didn't apologize for the accusation. He moved on to saying how come he can answer my texts but I don't answer his. I said because I don't text you at 10pm at night.

Okay, sorry, back to the point.  I have finally called a domestic violence place for help.  He is calm now (yes this is calm) but I know when I file he is going to lose his mind. like LOSE HIS MIND. I'm scared because sometimes I feel like I'm making this all up and maybe he does just love me and I am being selfish and breaking up the family and the kids will go through a terrible divorce because of me.  I can't deal with the major feelings of fear and guilt.  But I'm hoping my counseling sheds some light.  I know I'm not physically abused, so it's how he's gotten away with this all.  he's a charming man to everyone else, even to his therapist.  It's just all so frustrating and i hate believing he can take my kids from me.  But at this point I'm ready to fight.  Problem is I have no money.  I make enough to pay bills.  Credit cards and credit is MAXED out from him building his business so it's just making minimums and getting no where.  

Oh, and as to not put all the bad crap on him - I had a cyber affair in 2012 in order to try and fix our bedroom portion of the relationship (because we only had sex once a quarter when he got super duper grumpy and requested it).  That worked for a while but he said i needed to end it - fair enough - but then the sex life ended too.  Sadly if I was allowed to have cyber affairs i would be turned on enough to make the marriage work on that end and then he wouldn't be angry maybe, and I would be able to just be a working mom who had a secret man turning her on so she could satisfy her husband so she could live her life in peace.  So there's my shitty wife part.  That's what I did.  Cyber affair as a last ditch effort - a messed up last ditch - but it is what it is.  So now, because he did know about the affair - he claims he as the emails and all and will make sure everyone knows about what a whore i am if we get divorced.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is.  BTW - I never threaten to take kids. I never threaten to use that he is bipolar against him. I just want this to go as smoothly as possible for the kids, because we DO co-parent well when he's not mad at me.  He's just a terrible person when he is mad. So terrible - but he now says he won't hurt me.  He will hurt everyone around me so I can live with that.  Because If I'm going to hurt him, and take away what he loves, he will have nothing to live for so he will destroy everyone elses family (as in my friends he doesn't know whom he has stalked through FB - which I cancled my account so he can't stalk anymore unless they liked anything we were both tagged in).  Then I can live with that.

Well, I guess that's my story.  I didn't reread this, so it's probably a mess. Sorry. But it feels good to get it out.


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I'm sorry. Welcome to our place. I fear that he will use the kids to hurt you. He sounds terrible.

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