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Kittymom

Rent Free Space in my Head

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Kittymom

Hello... I'm new to this forum and have read some of the heartbreaking and yet inspiring stories of women in abusive relationships. Some stories read like my own, it's eerie. Anyway, I'm feeling very angry at myself right now because my husband of almost 21 years has gotten into my head so much that I can't seem to stop my own pattern of constantly thinking about him and his behaviors. For example, as of this morning, we are beginning Day 2 of the "silent treatment". I don't know for sure why this is, but my guess would be because he was trying to talk to me late one evening about some idea he had for his business (one of many businesses he can't seem to launch) and I was very tired and having difficulty following his train of thought. He said I appeared glazed over and I told him I was just tired. He has barely spoken to me since. I swear this is all that happened and you'd think by the atmosphere in my house we had a huge blow up!

I've pretty much checked out of this marriage 5 years ago and going through the motions until I can gather myself and the resources to leave, just make a clean break and not look back. In the meantime, I wish I could stop giving him so much of my energy. This is energy better used to finding a way out, but I just have nothing left. I find myself living in a constant state of hyper vigilance, waiting for the next explosion. I actually went to bed last night feeling nauseated because he tends to wait until I'm very tired before he launches his attack. It's almost like he is consciously setting up a scenario where he will have the upper hand and out of exhaustion and fear, I just sit there and take it. Why do I give him so much power?

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Bennu

Even though you are checked out of the marriage, it is hard to get over it's effects with so much constant exposure. It'll get better when you get away.

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Quaddie

Yes...trying to get healthier while within the abusive relationship is like trying to heal from the effects of a toxic waste site while still living in it. 

It's sort of a catch-22 because it's harder to get out without feeling healthy enough to do so....but it's generally necessary to do that. 

If you make small, tiny changes...they can add up to having enough impact to get you out. One baby step at a time.  One little thing at a time. 

 

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