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Notsureyet

I am MAD because I NEVER DID ANYTHING!!!

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Notsureyet

He abused me, he insulted me, he threatened to kill me several times, he called me and my family (including my 4, 6, and 8 year old nephews) names that I don't even dare repeat to my therapist, would never tell my mother or people who love me because they would be so hurt, they would feel such pity for me, it is so embarrassing. He told me several times that the best thing I could do was kill myself, and I battled against him and for my mental sanity for years. My first memory of his insults was at his parent's house when I had just moved to Europe to live with him. I was 21, young, in love and on my way to the altar with him for our wedding in a few days. I remember sitting at the kitchen table the day after the insults, wondering if that is one of the reasons why people break up. I was "too deep" in love to break up, I had just moved to his island, had said goodbye to all my family and crying parents at the airport, I had moved across the globe to be with him. This had to work, I forced it, I made it work for so many years. I took all the abuse for so many years, only last week, when I found you, I finally realized that I had in fact been abused for all those years, and still this moment I have to actively go into my memory and dig in deep for those memories, put the pieces together and remind myself "yes, I was abused; yes, he was a psychopath and he even told me several times he was; yes, he had many, many issues; yes, although he left me, he actually did me a favor; yes he is probably abusing his new girlfriend he left me for; yes, I am better off; yes, it would have and it was escalating; yes, he would have abused my children if we had any; and yes, although he never hit me, his abuse was just as bad and just as real and painful as physical abuse.

All this realization leads me to incredible amounts of anger and desires of revenge. I regret not sharing his insults (which were many times in writing) with all his family, who are his tight nit, they are like a huge pillow of unity and family "love" in which he fell into for protection after our breakup: protection from me, because I was the "bad guy". They didn't see any of the atrocities he did to me, they never heard me scream or cry feeling so lonely and abused, they never saw that side of him with me, I diligently hid it all, like a great partner in crime. I am SO UPSET I suffered quietly, and I made my family witness all of this, I made my mom keep her mouth shut because I was hopeful he would come back to me. Only now I realize he was abusing me and I should have screamed as loud as I could, I should have made the neighborhood aware of what an animal he is, I should have made his family hide of shame and force him to at least fake going through an abuse recovery process. He is from a very small town, although this would have probably not changed his real ways, he would have had to conceal them at least, minimizing the impact of his abuse, realizing that when he harms another person, it does not go without a consequence, that is not ok. He would have suffered the shame he deserved. I am so angry I just let this all happen and now I only have emails and texts to prove everything I went through for years, and since he "left me for another woman", it all just seems as if I am just suddenly heartbroken and jealous. I set myself up and I am so angry, I am SO upset at myself for not waking up, for not calling the cops so many times, for keeping the secret, for being his accomplice in abusing the beautiful person I was with him.

I have really horrible wishes for him, really horrible wishes. I wanted him to come and fix everything he broke and if he didn't, I just wish him illness and suffering. This is horrible and even more horrible saying it in a place like this, but I want to be very, very honest: I truly wish he beats his next wife, so everybody knows the real him, because only I know it, only I saw him. He is just the victim Psychologist that was abandoned by his wife (I moved out of the house because he kicked me out, but I even concealed that, saying that I wanted to move back close to my family, and he promised he would follow me). I made myself look like a monster who abandoned the poor husband, and the poor man, left alone, had to find a new partner because time went by and I never went back. I left him alone, poor thing and he just had to move on from me!

It is so unfair, what happened to me encountering this beast is so unfair! I am a good person, I make mistakes but I don't harm others, don't steal, don't even kill a fly. I was raised with the belief that calling others "stupid" or "dumb" was a bad thing, in my home, "stupid" was a major insult that would get me grounded. It is very, very difficult for me to insult other people, even if I am angry, to me that is disrespectful. That is how I was raised, that is how careful and kind I am with others. We don't deserve this! I didn't deserve this! No one does!

He just stomped all over me and continued with his life. How am I expected to continue and how the heck am I expected to forgive!!! I am sorry, but forgiveness to me is just plain bullsh87!! I can try to forgive myself for allowing this to happen but I am not interested in forgiving him and to be completely honest, whoever comes with the "you need to forgive him, to move on" BS can save it because, after everything he did to me for years, I have the right to not forgive him regardless of what Jesus, Buddha, the Pope or Mother Theresa say! I am very angry! I gave this man ten years of my life and he just got away with trampling all over me. I am allowed to be angry and I want to be angry. I wish I was angry before, I wish I fought back, I wish I put roadblocks in this man doing this again to other women, I wish I made it at least a little difficult for him to have a family that he is possibly going to abuse. His only purpose in my life was to come, abuse me (playing this prince charming role) and continue on stronger than ever, like a limitless hurricane and I just stayed still, took the emotional beating and after he left, even begged him not to go.

I am so angry I didn't stop him, so angry I didn't revenge and even out, so angry I didn't at least let his world know his true colors. I am just trying to convince myself that life will take care of him, blah, blah, but I don't have control of that. His life may just result to be happy, fulfilled and filled with love. Which is SO UNFAIR and I did nothing for it to be any other way.

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Bennu

I'm sorry. I don't think that he deserves forgiveness either. Probably if you had tried to let the world know his true colors he would have turned it around to make it all reflect on you. The best way is to get out and distance yourself. I don't think that you can win fighting back. They will use any tactic and you have morals.

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Appletree

I totally understand your anger and I always have had an issue with the "forgiveness" thing. I think it means more to the person doing the forgiving than for the recipient (certainly in the case of abusers) and if it doesn't work for you then don't fret about it. I don't do "forgiveness" as a conscious act. I try to deal with my anger and sadness and the loss of 20 years of my life, but "forgiveness" is not something I think about.

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Notsureyet

That is so true, Bennu, looking back I remember that whenever I thought about speaking up about him, I felt like I couldn't because in response to his abuse and treatment, I had messed up. This sounds very lame, but in desperate search of approval and affection, after he kicked me out of our home, I cheated. Then he found out about it and just used this to insult me (you can imagine which words specifically) and bring it up every time we had an argument, sayind he would tell everyone of what a %^$ I was, particularly my parents. Even though he had done that to me more than once... But I was the %*(#, his infidelities were never even acknowledged. He used this and many other "flaws" I had to keep me quiet.

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Notsureyet

Appletree, in my case, I wish I could look back and regret the time I lost. I actually wish things would work out with him, I wish I could go back and fix it and that is why I am so angry, it is so unfair. I am still in love with him and it drives me insane, it bothers me so much that he didn't care enough to come and fix my broken heart. BUT if he is abusive and a narcissist he will never do that, and I just have to convince myself of that.

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Sunnyhiker

Dear Notsureyet,

I am sorry for the reasons you are seeking solace on this forum, and for the experiences you endured.

You are obviously a very strong person. It takes a great deal of strength to survive this horrible abuse for so long. No wonder you are angry. You should be! Some anger is righteous.

However, have you heard that resentment is like wishing someone else were dead while YOU swallow the poison? What if you could be strong AND strategic so you could rid yourself of this rage, rightly placing the burden of your past on HIM instead of you?

You referenced the various faiths as reasons you "should" forgive and let him get away with all of this. Unfortunately 99% of Christians focus on "forgiveness" with a wrong application. In order to forgive, one must receive repentance! God doesn't forgive someone unless they repent. And we also must receive just compensation! God didn't forgive until our sins were paid for by Jesus' life on the cross.

So, contrary to God's demonstrated path of handling forgiveness, most Christians preach that we must forgive with or without repentance or compensation.

This misapplication, whether from Christians or Buddhists, the pope, Mother Teresa or any of the other sorts you reference, only enables the evil to continue without challenge.

Expecting someone to offer forgiveness without receiving repentance and just compensation only prolongs and enables evil!

I was in an abusive relationship for 25 years, deceived by all of the "turn the other cheek, pray for your enemies, forgive 70x7, just submit better" preaching, which is understood by 99% of Christians today out of context.

This type of thought has permeated the psyche of our society overall, Christian or not, and from your writings seems to have influenced you as well.

By finally finding (thank you internet!!) and taking action to apply a righteous path to closure, I have been able to receive satisfaction for my pain, heal from anger and resentment, and move forward to a hopeful, happy and wonderful future.

The several steps I took were:

#1) Expose. Tell everyone he knows (in two - five paragraphs) of his abuse and infidelity, and if they have any influence on him, please entreat him to discontinue this type of behavior. If you have evidence, include reference to what the evidence is. Do this all at once so he receives a tsunami effect response. Including:

-------- To His affair partner(s), new wife and any ex wives

-------- To any of his children.

-------- To his church leadership.

-------- To his facebook friends

-------- To his family

-------- To the buddies he hangs out with

If you want to, you can post your draft here and I'll help you edit it.

How this helps you heal: You are no longer covering his evil for him. Let him cover it himself. Rid yourself of this all consuming burden. The relief is tremendous. You are just reporting to everyone the news he himself created. If you receive derogatory replies (you will), simply delete/block. You don't care what they think; you just care that they know.

#2) Go completely out of communication with him. Block him from all your email accounts, change your phone number and purge him and any mementos you have from him out of your life. If you are divorced, remove any possessions that trigger recollections of him. Move and redecorate if you have to. If you are not yet divorced, you can still do this without running up your legal bills by asking someone you know to take all of his communications and filter them out for you. For example, if he sends a 4 paragraph abusive email to let you know he'll be at the storage unit at xx time, this person would only pass on the information about the storage unit time, leaving out all the drama.

How this helps you heal: His drama, outbursts and continued abuse are a way to control you and your emotions. If you are removed from it, he can't control you!

Now that you've removed the burden of carrying his crimes around for him, any possessions that trigger your thoughts and his control over you, discipline your thoughts to redirect themselves every time you think of him. I did this by tapping my heart and repeating over and over until the thoughts were drowned out "Lord, heal my broken heart. Lord, heal my broken heart. Lord, .....". After about 20 times I would stop and if I wasn't able to redirect my thoughts somewhere else, I'd repeat this process until I could. After a few weeks, less repeats were needed. After a few months, I was tapping my heart very infrequently.

I have such freedom now!! I'm thrilled with where I'm at in my life and no longer am I killing myself by resenting HIS poison. He doesn't get any of my head space or heart space anymore. If you could find peace, too, I'd be so happy for you.

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Sunnyhiker

Appletree, in my case, I wish I could look back and regret the time I lost. I actually wish things would work out with him, I wish I could go back and fix it and that is why I am so angry, it is so unfair. I am still in love with him and it drives me insane, it bothers me so much that he didn't care enough to come and fix my broken heart. BUT if he is abusive and a narcissist he will never do that, and I just have to convince myself of that.

Notsureyet, this is very normal.

Have you heard about the chicken plucker story?

Legend has it that Stalin demonstrated how he maintained tight control over his people to his commanders by grabbing a chicken and plucking out all of its feathers, even though the bird was squirming and in terrible agony! He put the chicken down and the chicken clung near his trousers, hobbling after him as he walked away with a few crumbs in his hand. His statement was reportedly: '“This is the way to rule the people. Did you see how that chicken followed me for food, even though I had caused it such torture? People are like that chicken. If you inflict inordinate pain on them they will follow you for food the rest of their lives.”

I understood from your post that you are separated. Are you divorced yet?

Once you rid yourself of the burden of hiding his behaviors, purge any avenues of contact/his control over you and discipline your thoughts to stop thinking about him, the fog you are in will clear within a few weeks and you will realize how much better life is. Those few weeks of "detoxing" can be pretty tough but you'll emerge out of them with MUCH clearer thinking and then you'll realize you are glad to be rid of him.

Just do lots of self care and if possible, hang out with friends who will help you by not talking about him. If you don't have any nearby friends, hang out in new places like an art class or something - by people who won't be talking about him.

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Sunnyhiker

..... after he kicked me out of our home, I cheated. Then he found out about it and just used this to insult me (you can imagine which words specifically) and bring it up every time we had an argument, sayind he would tell everyone of what a %^$ I was, particularly my parents. Even though he had done that to me more than once...

It wasn't right to cheat on him, but is hiding that you cheated WORTH carrying around the load of all of his garbage forever????

You can tell your parents about it before sending out your exposure letter, and then in your exposure letter, admit your actions as part of the story so he loses the ability to control you over this.

Sunshine is a disinfectant to the soul.

I hid a secret that seemed to be of such huge importance and so critical that no one EVER find out until I exposed it (that my ex-H had a sexual encounter with a minor). Then I realized how that secret had overgrown it's impact in my life, far beyond what it should have. I should have exposed it at the time it happened and I came to regret that I Iet it control me for so many years before doing so.

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EnoughisEnough

I am having the day of alternating between RAGE and depression. Though it is his fault he was arrested for battery, I feel guilty at times too. Because I called the cops. He always said it was my fault, that I pushed him to it. I love him but I cannot be treated like that anymore. This coincides with finally accepting how awful my own parents are. Really awful week alone but starting to see the light. He is gone and never coming back and now I can begin anew. I'm not putting myself down anymore for staying. I am thoroughly pissed though and I feel anger toward the system and his sick family. 

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