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Krys81288

This is scary..but here I go.

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Krys81288

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and have ever written. I am writing this today to face the demon that has been lingering around me for far too long. The one that still makes me think I am at fault, and has fucked my up in every way possible. I just want to begin by saying that I consider myself to only have one sibling, a twin brother. I do not have a relationship with my older sibling, we do not know each other, we do not speak, we do not acknowledge each others existence. Now that I have grown older, I have finally realized that I do not need the cancer that he is in my life. That my future does not have him in it. That my future family will not know him. As far as I am concerned, he does not exist.

For as long as I can remember my brother despised me. I never understood why. I never understood what I did. What I do know is that from a very young age, as young as my memories go back, my brother verbally and physically abused me. He has never hugged me, he has never told me he loved me, he has never shown any type of affection towards me. For my entire childhood years I was abused daily. The verbal abuse was severely worse then the physical. Physically I have been chased after, hit, forcefully punched in my spine, had large items thrown at me, yanked around like a rag doll, pushed down the stairs, kicked, spit on, and shoved against a wall by my throat. Looking at my childhood bedroom door is embarrassing. Full of holes in it from me running away and slamming and locking it before he could catch me..to which he would just punch the door. Still, I would have rather been beat across the head any day over the verbal abuse. The verbal abuse is what has truly fucked me up the most. I’ve heard it all, every bad word in the dictionary, every hurtful insult you could say to someone. Growing up I was consistently called a b*tch, a whore, a slut, a c*nt; Consistently told I was ugly; Consistently told to kill myself; Consistently told I was a piece of sh*t; Consistently told no one loved me; Consistently told I was a mistake; Consistently told I was worthless; Consistently not loved, or cared about by someone in my life that most people look up to in theirs. This wasn't regular sibling rivalry, and it wasn't only when we were younger, it continued well into my early 20’s and even continues today when I am home. My parents never stopped him, they would threaten him with words that were never enforced and would send me to my room when I tried to stick up for myself. “You’re only egging him on when you respond to him” “Just let it go” “Who cares what he says” “Just walk away” “Don’t look at him and it wont happen”…the list could go on but you get the gist of it. I was abused, I went to my parents for help, and was told to ignore it. They would yell and send him to his room but that was it. At 10 years old my grandmother told me I (and the fighting) was the reason my grandfather died, that I killed him.(He really died of a staph infection). I was never protected, and so the abuse went on. I hated my parents for quite some time because of it and it showed. I rebelled in my early teen years and a lot of it was because I never felt protected. I drank for the first time at 14, I stayed out very late, I let my grades slip, I quit things I loved like dance and cheerleading, I smoked pot, I quit every job I got, I went to parties weekly, I didn't respect any authoritative figure at school, I snuck out, I started smoking cigarettes, I just didn't care because I was angry. Mostly angry at my father because I always felt he could have done more than my mother because he was a big strong man. I always say to my mother she should be thankful I never got into drugs or did any drug besides smoke pot, because I myself am surprised I didn’t. I do know it killed my mother to see me upset, to know I was in pain, and that I tried to kill myself and this was one of the reasons why. I know my parents loved me, they just did not know how to fix the situation, like I am sure most parents wouldn't know how. At my age now I am not sure how I feel about my parents lack of disciplining him for his actions. I love my parents, they're my best friends now. I guess I almost feel bad for them now because I think to myself how hard it must of been for them having their child abuse their other child. At the end of the day he is still their child, no matter how fucked up in the head he is. That being said, them doing nothing, them not getting involved, them not disciplining him has now caused me to be fucked up in the head. I wish they would have done more, I wish they would have put him in therapy, or put him on medication. I wish they would have tried to figure out why he is the way he is. If only they had done this when it had started, I may not be the way I am now. But…we cannot change the past and I have forgiven them.

For years I tried…I tried to figure out what I did, why he was the way he was towards me. I tried to talk to him in our older age, to my mistake it just started the abuse again. I’ve friended him on every form of social media to the point where he has blocked me from all. It seems pathetic, why would anyone want a relationship with someone like that? I don't know why I search for answers. I guess a part of me believes that if I had an answer all of this pain and hurt would disappear. I still do not have an answer as to why this happened to me, why I was treated like this by my big brother. At this point the only realistic answer I have…is that I was born.

The things he did caused severe mental and emotional pain to me. I blamed myself. I have had depression on and off for more than 10 years. I’ve broken under the weight of it all and have tried to kill myself twice. I’ve been to countless therapist for many years. I have never brought a boy or a man home because I am embarrassed, and afraid they will go running. I have no self esteem. I’ve been on 4 different anti depressants. From ages 19-21 I barely ate and at my worst weighed 95 pounds. I have severe anxiety and extreme trust issues. Panic attacks occur on a regular basis to the point I am on the floor gasping for air. I have insomnia from thinking about it on a daily basis. I have terrible anger issues and often take them out on many people who actually do treat me well. I have no self worth. I push people away the second they start to get close to me because I am afraid, I am always afraid. It has taken a toll on my life, and I am ashamed it has. I am reminded of this pain daily and all of the terrible thoughts and feelings overtake me.

Here I am….28 years old…and alone. Unable to trust men and terrified of being in a relationship, terrified that someone else is going to treat me the way I had been treated for the greater part of my life. I barely even trust my friends and can honestly say there are only 4 people I do trust in my life. This isn't the person I wanted to be. It wasn't until I was 25 that I realized I was better than the abuse. I woke up one day and said this is not okay, I am not okay. It took 25 years for me to realize that I wasn't the one that was fucked up, he was. But it was too late for me, the damage had already been done and it would never stop if I didn't remove myself from the situation. I decided I couldn't do it anymore. So I packed everything I owned and moved 3000 miles away from my friends and family and everything I knew. 50% was me ready to start a new life, 50% was me running away from my abuser. 100% the best decision I have ever made. Some might say I ran away from my problems, but I like to say I ran away to a better life. I am in a place where no one knows me, I had a clean slate to make my life the life I wanted. 2 years ago I would have never been able to write this. For 25 years I woke up everyday and went out into the world with a fake smile on my face, hiding the hurt inside of me. No one knowing the demon inside of me, or the demon I lived with. I was pretty good at hiding it for many years, not even some of my friends knew. For the past two years I walk out my door genuinely happy. Happy knowing that he lives 3000 miles away from me and cannot hurt me anymore. Happy knowing that here, 3000 miles away from home I can be the person I want to be.

He is still verbally abusive towards me. Every time I am back home and he sees me he says something. Its like a flip of a switch and he’s abusing me for no reason. He's so sick in the head that he didn't even sit at the christmas dinner table this past year because I was sitting there…he is 30 years old. He was home one night that I was and I was talking to my mother (who I hadn't seen in 7 months) and he just started going off, telling me to shut the f word up whore, that no one cared, to go kill myself, to go back to where I came from and that no one wanted me here. It was then I realized he really needed help. I hadn't seen him in a year, all I did was talk to my mother, two rooms away from him and he went crazy. I looked at him and said “I feel sorry for you.” It has taken years but I can finally say I no longer give a sh*t. That the words he says can no longer hurt me because I now know that I did nothing wrong. He is the one that needs help. He is the one that needs to be on medication. I now know that if I go home for a holiday and it begins again that I can protect myself, that I will refuse to be walked all over by him. I refuse to allow myself to feel pain because of words that come out of his mouth. Sometimes I think I wish he would go through the pain he has put me through but then I reality check myself and realize that I would never wish that on anyone, not even him. I feel sorry for him. I worry for him, I worry that he treats his girlfriend the same way as me. If he could abuse his little sister in the way he did for so long, whats to say he isn’t abusive to her as well.

And so today I chose to finally let go. And while I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I know nothing he will ever say to me again will matter to me, because HE doesn't matter to me. I choose to stop hoping that he will change, or hoping to hear that he is sorry. I choose to forgive myself for my wrong judgements and for treating myself like the words he called me. I choose to stop blaming myself because it was never my fault. I choose to be free from his hold. I choose to forget him. I choose to stop pushing people away from me because I am scared of being hurt. And I hope that one day I allow myself to meet a man when I am ready who I don't look at scared that he will hurt me. And that he will truly love me for me and look into my eyes and not see the hurt and pain in them that my big brother caused.

But I pray that he never hurts another person the way he hurt me. I pray that one day he looks back on his life and the guilt kills him knowing that he caused so much pain to not only me but also our parents and our brother. That he feels terrible that he wasn't a brother to me, that he was the person I was scared of. I pray that one day he wants to say he's sorry and that I am no where to be found because by that time I will be out of his life and so far gone.

Normally I am a private person, and that is because of all of this. I have never had the voice I needed in the house I grew up in. But I If you are going through some sort of abuse I pray you find some peace reading this. I hope that you understand that you are not at fault, and you are beautiful no matter what demons hide inside of you. I pray that you can learn to let go like I have (or at least am trying to). I hope me speaking openly about my abuse helps you find the voice you may have lost. And so I’d like to end this with a quote that I found 2 years ago that has gotten me to where I am now; “You don't find the happy life, you make it.” And this is exactly what I have done and am continuing to do. Making a happy life for myself, far away from the toxic life I used to live.

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Bennu

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Your parents are culpable. They should have done something. They should still do something. Getting far away from all that was probably the best thing that you could do. You can recover. I had a good friend who told me that she had suffered sexual abuse from her brother growing up. She had recovered. You can too.

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Krys81288

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them so much. And I hope I can recover, it sure seems possible here in my new life <3

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