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whitebutterfly11

Mad at My Own Head

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whitebutterfly11

What do you do when you know what you want to do BUT you don't feel compelled to do it?

As in, you are numb inside, past the point of any feeling about the matter and it is confusing you to no end. When you are a feeling person who has lived her life trusting in her feelings and bases her decisions on how compelled she feels, but is in a state of perpetual numbness.

How do you convince your brain that it's okay to still go forward with what it wants, even if your feelings are dead inside?

What if those feelings are what makes you sure about the direction you should take? What if you rely on what you feel to make sense of your life . . . and then you can't feel anything. At all.

Or the feelings are so fleeting, they might as well have never happened, because the next day, you don't remember them.

I know there's value in pushing forward with what you want, despite the lack of feeling. Maybe it has to be a mind thing over a feeling thing because the feelings aren't safe to be expressed or followed.

It's just, I still have that incessant worry like I'm making a mistake because I'm not feeling right or compelled or even safe to follow what I want. I don't want to make a mistake. But I don't want to stay in this numb, feelingless funk forever, either.

When I feel nothing, when it's all empty inside, I honestly think of myself as a villain. Selfish, heartless, cruel. I feel like I'm operating from a sense of what I want without caring about how it effects other people or whether or not it's the "right" thing to do. It's probably a bunch of ugly conditioning, but it's there and it's real. For me to feel like I've made the best choice, I have to have feelings to back me up. Or else it's back to feeling apathetic and heartless.

So I'm mad at my own head. For blocking all of these feelings I want and need to have in order to move forward. For making it impossible for me to see progression as a positive thing, because I can't feel it.

What I can feel is guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety. The exact things I feel when I choose what I want.

I'm sure there's a way through it, but it's complicated and frustrating.

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Bennu

Whitebutterfly, do you have a counselor or therapist? It helped get out to speak regularly with one. It is very hard and the support was helpful.

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Quaddie

Be the villian. Think "eff 'em." Own it.

Okay I know you probably can't...

I think the ONLY way in that case is really not think about right/wrong/guilt/ etc, but just to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

That's what worked for me.

If you know you want something but can't get the"feelings" to drive it, it really does just boil down to a one step at a time thing.

Often without thinking about what those "steps" mean, or what they lead to.

Like a robot.

It's not unusual really ... so just know that you're not alone, and a lot of people experience that (it's all sorts of cognitive dissonance), but the feeling doesn't define the reality.....and lack of feeling doesn't mean it's not right.

I eat when i know i need to l eat, whether i feel hungry or not. I know i go straight to "unwell" if i don't eat.

On the other hand, my bf will go very long periods of time without eating because he thinks he doesn't need to if he doesn't feel hungry. Then he gets unwell and nasty from low blood sugar or whatever cuz he didn't eat. (I have argued this with him many times, lol)

Needs aren't necessarily driven by, or attached to, feelings

Not a great explanation but best i can do at the moment...

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whitebutterfly11

Hi Bennu, I do have a wonderful therapist who helps me process my feelings, and it's been good to talk about the cognitive dissonance. She's been trying to urge me out of my situation for years, but because of this non-feeling issue (and a ton of fear) I've taken very small, incremental steps.

Quaddie.

Be the villian. Think "eff 'em." Own it.

:D

That is awesome. Sometimes I think I could actually do this, but I can't seem to stay in that mindset long enough to actually go through with it.

There is wisdom in letting yourself go on auto-pilot and just do what needs to be done. Without too much thought about what will happen, or how. I need to find a way to turn off the panic button that seems to flare up whenever I say eff it, I'm doing this.

It's weird but sometimes I imagine myself being picked up and transported into another life where I'm safe. Then I long for it to happen, fully realizing that this is not magical life, this is real life and if anything has to happen I have to make it happen.

I hate being the confronter. The leader. The one who makes the change.

I'd accept anything outside of myself but it's agony being the one to initiate change. Too much risk of hurting people. Too much safety lost. That sense of being derailed by my own choices. Feeling like they will backfire because I have sucky judgment.

Blah. I need to be more levelheaded than this. This is doable. This can be a good thing.

I can do this.

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tendrils

White Butterfly

My heart completely goes out to you

I so get everything you have described -100%

Stay calm ,don't panic ,if it's right for you, you will find a way.

You must be a strong person ,to have lived how you have, for so long now .

I can't remember your story,sorry ,it's very early morning here ,I awoke and saw what you've written ,and wanted to respond .

I left on pure impulse in the end .

Yes I had put a few things in safe places in the weeks prior ,but I NEVER thought I would face the fear and actually DO it

I thought I would gradually be bringing all those things back .

It felt too 'terrifyingly scary ,selfish ,beyond imagination ,home wrecking ,monumentally massive ,a choice made on my own.,the other side full of doubt ,possible regret ,a life of more anxiety ,making him unhappy ,upsetting friends and family,massive guilt and shame ,so numb inside I couldn't feel enough to be sure I was right ,the list is endless ' ................

In the end, on the DAY

It wasn't particularly planned

He was stood by the kettle ,having made himself a cup of tea ,I said ,I would have liked a drink ( meaning why didn't he ask me ! I was sat close by - this happened regularly . I waited on him all the time .

He said ' do I have to prove to you every day that you are worshipped !'

I thought no you don't have too and don't ever anyway ,I just wanted a drink .

He then said ' and by the way are we to live without sex for the rest of our lives ' and went in to his office to the computer .

Something shifted inside my head ........

On impulse I started throwing stuff in the boot of the car,weird stuff ,he never moved ,kept his back too me the whole time I was in and out the front door ,dog crying etc . I drove away in a complete fugg of fear . It felt like something truly terrible was going to come down on my head .

It was 3 days before he realised I had gone !

He took notice then .

That was last October .

Up until April I lived a life of fear ,guilt ,panic attacks ( they were new ) heart searching ,sleeplessness ,loss of identity ,loss of best friend ,his suicide threats and attempts ,stalking ,hacking ,pleading,verbal abuse and threats ,giving my stuff away .........

It's now June - it's not all good ,but it's not all bad either

I still wonder in the small hours when I wake ,alone , 32 years I slept beside that man whom I loved wholeheartedly . 23 of them ,married .( A lot of those years ,silent ,unhappy ,ignored ,made to feel needy ,kept at arms length ) What will my future be ,? alone ,poor ,uncertain ,health issues etc etc ......

BUT we don't know anyway ,what the future holds in the big scheme of things .

BUT I do know that if I stayed how most things would remain and get worse .

This way there's hope for better days - I can feel now - I'm allowed too ,unjudged . It's still scary , but ......

I've only told about me in the hope it helps you .

Whatever you manage to do ,keep strong in your heart. Know your own worth . You deserve real love and kindness .

I have known the kindness of new friends,and lost very dear and treasured old ones . I'm not young .

You are a great person ,just as you are .

I am sending you an enormous friendly embrace , over the airwaves .

Continue being brave inside and out every day .

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Bennu

Tendrils, my heart goes out to both of you.

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