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victory of the people

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victory of the people

Hi everyone, I am new here. Not sure how everything works yet, but here goes.

I am 23 years old and I still live at home with my parents. I have three beautiful sisters and a mother who have all been put through so many trying moments by my father.

It was not until recently that I had an epiphany; my father is an emotional and sometimes physical abuser. It still feels so strange typing it out, or even thinking it.

I have suffered through depression for the past ten years and believed myself to be the scum of the earth, often trying to carry out acts of suicide. I always wondered "why do I feel this way?" and "why is my perception of myself so bad?". I never had any answers for those questions until this past weekend, when he had me by my throat, shoved against a wall with a plastic pipe in his hand threatening to beat me. Everything I ever was, or at least thought I was, came from this man. I was hoping to find my own hope in other peoples stories and peace in being able to share mine as well.

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Bennu

Welcome. I'm sorry about what happened to you, but I'm glad that you found us. Recognizing the problem is a good start. What do you plan to do next?

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Appletree

Victory you have taken a huge step in recognising what is happening to you and your mother and sisters. This is the right place to write and get support so you can decide what you want to do. People here understand.

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victory of the people

I was contemplating replying, I don't like thinking about the fact that I may have been abused my whole life and only realised now. Thank you Bennu and Appletree for asking me what it is that I want to do moving forward. I didn'teven know that there was an option of deciding what to do next. I still don't know what to do.

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bluegirl

I'm like you, victory, in that I don't like thinking about the fact that I was abused my whole life. I was about your age when I had the same realization and a similar reaction.

I struggled with the way I felt and went to a wonderful therapist. I've never really discussed my upbringing with friends, because I knew they wouldn't understand. But my therapist was very helpful.

And I read a lot of books too, about abuse, about personal journeys to freedom, and many things that eventually made me feel happy. You've made a very brave step. And I hope you find your own path to freedom.

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Quaddie

I can relate to the feeling of not knowing you can decide. I didn't know I get to choose my own life until wayyyy late in life. I just did what everyone told me i had to do, and what they did.

You have choices about everything. Just,let that sink in a bit.

A book i found really helpful for filling in some missing self-ness stuff (for lack of a better term) from having been brought up in abusive/neglectful situations is "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel.

Are you in school, do you work, what is going on elsewise?

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victory of the people

Its so weird that all this time Ithought Iwas the only one in the whole wide universe who felt this way. I'm so glad that I'm not. I am currently working on a full time basis at a pharmacy, I'm also studying, but on a part time basis. I rely on my father for transportation as Ihavent got my own car, or even a drivers license ( I've just recently failed my drivers test). I am going to look out for these books, I want to try anything that will help me. I carry so much anger around with me and feel like one day Iam going to snap. Some other family member s just recently told me that Inever used to be that way, that Iwas aways happy. I want to go back to being the carefree youth that Iwas, but so much has happened since then. How do you fix something that you never knew was broken?

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victory of the people

Bluegirl, none of my friends know what'sgoing on except for my best friend and one of my friends from work. I feel like such a phony sometimes because I am pretending to be someone else to the public, as if Ihave to keep up apearances. I've even pushed some friends away because Idont want to expose them to this side of my life. how did you manage with your friends not knowing?

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Quaddie

How do you fix something that you never knew was broken?

The "Healing Your Emotional Self" book is a good place to start.

Another thing... Your anger is justified. Being abused is a horrible thing. Don't be surprised when you start reading and learning and thinking about it all in general, though, that there will probably be things that come up that make you even angrier, confused, or you don't even know what to think. It's okay, because however you feel is just how you feel.

I believe though that in order to start healing and feeling better, the first step really is to get out of the abusive situation. Real healing can't happen while you are still being abused. It'd be like asking your body to get healthy while you are still standing in a puddle of toxic waste.

So for you, that means taking steps toward independence. So you failed your first car test. <shrug> So did I... for some stupid thing, too, lol. Who taught you to drive? (Was it your father? If so, that would explain the difficulty.) Take an outside driver's ed course. Hereabouts, there is one that will even come pick you up. Yes, it's probably a few hundred dollars, but your health, independence and future are worth it. Take lessons and practice and you will pass.

That's the first step. Separating yourself from the abuser(s) and becoming independent is crucial.

Some other books that might be helpful for you:

"Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine

"The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel

"There is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber (this one has some occasional spiritual undertones which can be ignored if one doesn't like them. Still a worthwhile read ;) )

The first two are especially important because I think that often when a person is brought up abused/neglected, "boundaries" are something that you (generic "you") have not been given a chance to learn about - even if you think you have. The abuse itself teaches that you are not allowed boundaries. Learning you have personal rights and the right to have "edges" to your space (both physical and non-physical) - learning important life necessities about protecting oneself - is critical

I think your anger is an awakening. You've realized something is really, really wrong. You're not okay with it. Now that you know this, you begin taking steps to make your life better.

First things first in actual "life" steps = transportation. Get your license.

On the other hand.... if you happened to move out before you obtained a license or car, would you be able to take buses or other public transportation to work and school?

Still, make the license a priority in life. From there, another world opens up.

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Bennu

You could also look into public transportation. I was independent with that for a long time, but I lived in an area where it was available. Abusive people will use your dependence on them to manipulate you. If you don't need things from them, it is harder for them to manipulate you.

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bluegirl

Bluegirl, none of my friends know what'sgoing on except for my best friend and one of my friends from work. I feel like such a phony sometimes because I am pretending to be someone else to the public, as if Ihave to keep up apearances. I've even pushed some friends away because Idont want to expose them to this side of my life. how did you manage with your friends not knowing?

Hmm, well, now I do wonder what kind of friends I had. But, for me, I always compartmentalized. I never talked about my father with my friends, and hardly any of them spoke about their fathers either. I did have one friend who was very close with her father and I was always very envious of that. I couldn't believe how wonderful her dad was. I wish instead of being envious I had taken notes, and tried to tell myself that her father was normal and what I wanted in my own husband. But that's hindsight. Anyway, I'm really not sure how I managed, other than I just never talked very much about myself in the first place.

Thinking about this more, I realize now how this made in me two separate identities--one that was for my friends, and another that was for my family. Wow, that's a big realization for me. And I hope it doesn't happen to you because it's exhausting. Not only that, it's taken me many, many years to feel comfortable with who I am, and I'm still very much working on that.

Hugs, Victory!!! I'm hoping you already feel great about who you are because you are wonderful!!!

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