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lemondrop

Feeling broken

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lemondrop

Does anyone feel like there are just too many things that have happened, that you can never escape it all? That its marked you? I feel like my life has just been one thing after another of people hurting me whether intentionally or not. I grew up extremely religious and saw a lot of abuse and experienced some with that. I was psychologically terrorized by my best friend as a teenager who was being abused herself. I was misdiagnosed as a young adult and went through hell with the mental health system because of it until they finally settled on the real issue years later. My ex husband psychologically abused me much like the friend and also forced me to have sex many times, in addition to other abuse. Another boyfriend threatened people around me and was very scary in general. I've had several incidents with men that were harassment or coercion. I just got out of a relationship where I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. I did handle that one much better and got out faster than in the past, but I'm just so tired. I don't get why I attract all this, especially since I recognize it faster now and do know how to put a stop to it. I'm worried it'll never end and I just am so tired of trying or caring about anything anymore. :/ I've done everything I can to take control of my life. I have a promising career. A ton of hobbies. Am very independent. Lots of friends. But when it comes to very close relationships, I just can't escape finding abuser after abuser. It makes me want to give up.

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Jannaku

Yes, yes, yes and yes!!! I can assure you that what you are feeling is not isolated to you. I also had a childhood full of trauma and abuse and an adulthood full of more abuse. When does it ever end? I think the answer to this lies within ourselves. We create our own reality. Changing this cycle has to come from deep within ourselves and not from external source. I don't have close relationships so I'm unable to give any advice from that perspective. For me "relationship" = a no go zone. Don't do it; don't even entertain the thought of it. I'm so over it. If I never got involved again in another intimate relationship I'd be happy. From my insightful understanding of things (please take this with a pinch of salt), I believe that the core issue lies within yourself. I've posted before about this and would like to link you to http://www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

Take care

Janna ❤️

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diamonds

Lemondrop, I know what you mean. I also have a history of bad relationships (and childhood abuse) and my only consolation is that I get out of each one faster. I don't feel broken, but I feel lost in this "love things". I have no idea what a true loving relationship with a man would be like. All I do know is that I'm not settling for anything but great. I've learned that I'm healthier and happier alone than with a bad man.

I don't think the whole reason for that is just within myself. Because as I look other husbands I think at least 95 % of them are no good. I wouldn't want any of them for myself. And their wives are not happy at all, they are bitter or depressed or without energy and joy or just nagging all the time. I know only a couple (that's TWO) men in real life I can say they are good husbands and fathers.

So I can say for myself that I'm very picky, I'm just not settling and that's it. And if a great man will come into my life one day I will be with him otherwise I'm just going to be by myself. Which is ok too.

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Vanilli

Really sorry you're feeling this way ❤️! I get scared too; this is my first longterm relationship but I get scared.

I think it's a deep self-esteem issue and maybe not being educated on the warning signs; self-involved, 'too much' flattery, possessiveness, sexist world views, blaming everything and everyone else for their issues. If I meet anyone with three or more of those traits then I refuse to go near them; your gut is a good indicator as well. You should watch people carefully and take things very slowly so you're not blinded sided by passionate feelings and their too good to be true A game - which they bring at the beginning.

For self-esteem, I recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ; it's pretty amazing.

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Bennu

The other day I got triggered at work. It made me unable to perform well for awhile. When I realize how much abuse has messed up my life, I do wonder if I'll ever get over it. I had gone a long way towards getting over my childhood abuse when my husband targeted me as easy prey. I knew that I would never put up with the abuse I got as a child, but my husband was different type of abuser than my father so I didn't recognize it until I was trapped, too sick to work and with children. Will it happen again? I can see through those two types of abuse at this point, but is there another one I didn't know about and wouldn't recognize until stuck again? Maybe I'm better off alone, but what about sex?

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diamonds

Yeah, Bennu, sex is the tricky part. I don't miss it often, but just occassionally I'd like to have some ;) They say libido diminishes with age, so maybe that will fix all by itself in time :)

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lovemyboys

My husband and I are planning a divorce for about the tenth time but at times I wonder if he is right and I'm the problem, that maybe it IS my fault and so I won't ever have a normal good relationship again. We did for 13 years, but then it gradually went to hell.

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Bennu

Do you think it is you? Would you prefer being alone to being with him? Is it worth taking the chance?

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LiliRose

Lemondrop,

Give yourself time to heal all of this. Try to not go into another relationship until you are 110% ready.

Find love for yourself. I think that when we truly love ourselves we don't attract those bad people. We can recognize them and our hearts let us know that we are not in a good place with them.

When we don't have this self-love we tend to try to fill it with love from people who doesn't love themselves either. It is a bad cycle. Work on what is the most important in the world right now... You. You deserve it. You are worth it. You are enough. You are loved.

And it doesn't hurt to say loud and clear to yourself: " I am so happy, thankful, and grateful that I always attract loving people into my life" or something similar. It doesn't hurt.. It is better to tell that lie to yourself than to ask yourself why you always end up with a man that is abusive...

Hugs

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lemondrop

Yeah I'm not positive what it is for me. I think some of the issue is a mix of social anxiety mixed with a tendency to seek too much excitement. I notice I'm really standoffish at first when beginning to date someone, and so I think healthy people back off and don't see it as going anywhere. And I get bored as well. It's the people who are really pushy that give me a sense of security to be myself, and then it ends up being a disaster when their lack of boundaries mix with the real independent me that my anxiety hides at first. I've started to get better at not being so anxious and worrying what people think, but I think it still is an issue that I come across as very passive and shy at first when I'm really not, and it makes it so men who want to control someone think I'll be easily controlled and men who don't want to do that move on, figuring I'll never be actively involved. When really it's just an initial anxiety holding me back that goes away once I feel extremely comfortable. I'm not sure how to get over being so anxious and just not caring what other people think, so I can start attracting the people who don't want to control me. That's the theory I have for why this keeps happening anyway, idk if anyone else has had this issue too.

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Vanilli

Lemondrop - I've seen you post about social anxiety before. I volunteer at Anxiety UK and I've also suffered anxiety myself. Are you in the UK as we offer reduced cost therapy for anxiety disorders? Either way, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is highly, highly effective. And yes, once you've overcome your anxiety disorder you so feel a lot more empowered in yourself and in your life. Getting CBT is what made me confident enough to move forward - I would highly recommend it.

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Hazelbee

Lemondrop,

I've felt a lot of what you've felt. I think the reactions that we have are normal human reactions to being abused. What I say is that I've gotten really bad messages about myself from childhood on, and its' kind of worn a groove into my brain, where that's my default mode of thinking about myself. So even though intellectually I think I'm smart and capable and lots of other good things, somewhere in my brain, I seem to be very quickly triggered to not believe that. And because at some deep level I haven't really believed that (though I feel I'm way better than I was before I realized I was in an abusive relationship), it's easy to think that I deserve the kind of treatment H is giving me, or that I really must be at fault for whatever, whatever, whatever, etc. etc.

Regarding the social anxiety, I've had that most of my life, too and was extremely shy as a child, with few friends. I always thought they'd think I was weird or something. And in fact, I got picked on quite a bit, probably because I was shy and an easy target. One thing that really helped me was joining a meditation group. The people I met there were so wonderfully welcoming and they always treated me with respect. At first I was weirded out by it. I wasn't used to it. I remember once a woman hugging me and I had to leave because I knew I was going to start to cry. I had no idea how to deal with that kind of thing. But I knew it was a sweet thing and I kept going back. It really helped me a lot, both to center myself and to learn how to pay attention to my mind (in fact, it precipitated me realizing H was abusive), and to realize that hey, if all these people like me so much, I must me pretty okay. If they all pay attention to me when I'm speaking, I must not be as stupid and always wrong as I keep being told I am at home. I'm sure other types of groups doing things you're interested in can have the same effect. If you pick the type of people you'd like to be around, doing things that you enjoy, you may find that your social anxiety begins to wane.

I'm also going to look into the CBT thing once I'm away and have some space and time. It's been mentioned frequently here.

Hugs to you!!

HB

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lemondrop

I'm in the US but I have heard CBT is good. I tried a little bit of it one time and it seemed to help. Maybe I should suggest that to my therapist.

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