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Decorus

I feel sick

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Decorus

Have been struggling to cope with my 'break up' with the abuser. He has given up alcolhol, he is doing more exercise. I spoke to him 2 weeks ago about some vet bills. He invited me out to dinner. I said I would call him when I make the appointment with the vet for HIS dog. I have just now driven past his apartment (I have no other choice on the way home) and there is a woman at the window cooking dinner. I'm so sad. Why do I feel this way when I know I I have made the right decision in the long term?? It's not right.

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Bennu

Unlike him, you have regular human emotions. You developed an attachment for him. The logical part of your mind knows that it was wrong, but the emotional part hasn't let up yet. Give yourself a break. Emotional attachments with people who can give them back are wonderful things. It is a good quality that you form them.

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diamonds

Because you are a normal, emotional human being. Unlike him. There can't be nothing normal with him to replace you so quickly, normal hearts don't work that way.

But he's not normal, he doesn't really know what love is, and that's why you left him in first place.

Feeling pain, loss..... like you do now, is just a sign that your heart functions in a healty and human way. So take as much time you need, feel sadness, feel pain.... Feel everything that's in your heart. That's what healing is.

You will be ok :)

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Decorus

Thank you to you both. I'm crying my eyes out right now. I'm so so hurt and angry and I know that's exactly what he wants and partly that is what I'm so hurt and angry about! I didn't realize that it actually is a grieving process for me. I. just. have. to. let. go. And get rid of his stuff. And his dog who I love but can't bear to look at her. 5 years of hurt and pain... Leaving and coming back to this man and what I put my children through in their younger years...I don't think I can forgive myself for that.

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Bennu

It's not your fault. He worked hard to deceive you.

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Decorus

I just feel so sick to the stomach to think that he has moved on so quickly. I was worth nothing.

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Bennu

No one is worth anything to him. It is no reflection on your value. It is only a reflection of his messed up self importance.

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Decorus

So true about the self importance. How many times have I listened to a blow by blow detail about his fitness. How he told one of his workers off about some minor detail. How he has bought something that he knows I need but keeps it at his place. How his political views are the best and how dare anyone question that. How he always says "I'm a smart man, you work it out". How he justifies his abuse by saying 'I was drunk, I don't remember'. By the way everyone, he said hurtful nasty debilitating words drunk or sober. Its that when he was drunk, they were much worse. He used to poke his finger in my chest whilst he said awful words about me. I used to call him a bully to his face. He would laugh if off.

Even though I am hurt by him seeing another woman so fast, I am thankful it's not me anymore.

But I do miss him. How is that normal? I want him to cuddle me and say sorry sorry sorry and fix his problems.

But I know I can never live like that again.

Confused, angry angry angry, hurt, crying a lot, depressed, thats me.

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diamonds

That's you healing. Everything you feel is normal, healthy and even necessary for healing process. It's good that you feel.

You will go through this, you will heal and when you come out of it you will be healthier and happier then ever with him.

Just have patience and love for yourself. You've been through hell, you can't recover in just a few weeks.

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Bennu

They are pathetic, but we can't fix them. We only end up getting destroyed ourselves.

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Decorus

so now I've turned into a person that can't stop thinking about it and what he is doing with this woman. Why has he moved on? How can he sleep with someone after 5 years of us going up and down in our relationship. I lie awake at night thinking about how he is making love to someone else :(, I'm going a little crazy, my hands are shaking, I'm barely functioning. I am still working though even though that is stressful enough! Ive turned into a ridiculous individual who is craving just to talk to him. What is wrong with me!!!! I drive past his apartment just to see if he is home..it's stupid I know and I keep telling myself to stop it and stop looking and searching and hoping.... he told me 6 weeks ago when I went to visit my oldest in the city 'just don't sleep with anyone' (as if I would!) and now he is doing it. Talk about a double standard.... What is going on here????

Hang on, I also know that if he did turn around and say 'let's try again' I probably wouldn't. Our last arguement was about how I won't live with him and how I won't buy a house with him so that we can live together. I'm too scared of the future, that's why. Would it be the same as before? My teenage son dislikes him so much, I couldn't put my son through that again.... but I miss him so much. It's awful.... How do I cope with this!!???

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diamonds

Decorus, when I get some strong feeling I don't like I always remember what Bink says -"Having a feeling doesn't mean you have to act on it."

It really helps me a lot, just to think of that. Feelings come and go uncontrollably, but you are not a slave of them, you decide what to do about it. And with feelings like you have now it's best to do nothing at all. You just let them pass.

Try to find some other focus than your ex. Find things to do that you like, get together with some friend or relative, do some sport, go hiking, watch TV.... anything to get your mind off him. All you need is time, it will take care of everything, it will heal your wounds, you just have to be patient in the meantime and go through this heartbreaking period. I promise, you will feel better, and you will have a much happier life without him in it.

:hug005:

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Decorus

Thank you Diamonds, I know you are right. It will take time and once everything we have shared is out of my life, I will start to heal. I just do not want any memories so all material possessions we have bought have either been given away or sold ( or will be over the next few weeks). So sad that I have to start again in love at my age. I'm completey humiliated by this. I think it will be just me for a few years so that I can get my confidence back.....you know, being called I'm nothing but a fat f *&k in a cheap rental, thick as two short planks, how stupid can I get, mutton dressed as lamb, not to mention all the other horrible words takes its toll and I'm disgusted with myself that I have such strong feelings for him still. What the hell.

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Bennu

I'm sorry. You just have to tell yourself that it will get better. You are worth more. Is there something that you can do to feel better about yourself? Maybe join a walking group? What crafts do you like? Can you join a knitting group for example? Find an enjoyable activity just for yourself that has no connection to him and do it. Maybe take a community course?

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Vanilli

Keep going, crying, sharing your feelings - healing. This is normal in loss, one day you'll wake up and you'll pain will feel much lighter. Keep healing and taking care of yourself - you'll get better and we are all right there with you ❤️

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Hollycat

So sorry you are grieving for this man Decorus. I've done the same - the driving by and wishing and hoping and seeing other women's cars in the driveway and feeling so hurt that after a year or more, I meant so little, even though I was the one that left. My heart broke in a million tiny pieces. It was a very long time before I could think of him without bitterness. Then one day, I realized I couldn't remember his last name. It was easier after that. For some reason, it took the power out of what he did to me, knowing I couldn't even remember his last name. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm probably breaking all the cardinal rules on this site, but it seems to me it's also a shame that he is keeping ties with you through his dog. It seems he is making excuses not to take the dog back, so that he can stay in contact and keep you on your 'leash'. It seems like a form of emotional blackmail.

When you're done with that, and you feel ready to let puppy go [the kids may never feel ready - it has to be your decision] and you feel safe driving over there on purpose, perhaps the woman of the week likes dogs? One day, when you know someone is there and he's not, you could pack up puppy's stuff, and take him over there and just say "Hi! I'm a friend of H's. I'm returning his dog. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get him back!" all with a big smile on your face. Tell her how you know how much H has been missing him and how devoted he is to puppy. Push puppy through the door, drop the stuff, turn around and hum to yourself, "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...repeat" And drive away. And cry some more, no doubt. In a little while, you and your kids could maybe get another puppy?

If you don't feel ready for that, but feel ready to ship the dog home, perhaps you have a mature, male friend who'd be willing to take on that task, so that if he is home, he won't try any nonsense? I wonder if the SPCA ever does things like this for people?

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Decorus

Its so hard. I have to drive past his apartment every day, sometimes several times a day because its on the only road in and out of town. He has people over. He sits on his balcony talking and chatting like I just don't exist. I'm trying hard not to care. I know it will take time. I am seeing someone professional to help me identify my emotions and I'd thought I'd share. Just name the emotion. It's just an emotion and you don't have to do anything about it. It will pass. If I feel sad? Name it out aloud. Yes I'm sad. Would you start again with him? No. Say it out aloud. and so on and so on.... Every emotion you feel, name it. Oh that's hurt. Oh, that's just anger. Oh, that's what jealosy feels like. The emotions will pass and you will be able to detach and dissassociate from this person who abused you. It is really helping me and hope this will help other people too. By the way, I have yet to deal with his dog but it is on the 'detachment list'. Feeling a bit better.

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Bennu

I'm sorry. It must be very hard. A normal break up is very hard. We develop strong bonds when we are with someone. It is so hard when we find out how unidirectional they were. Keep reminding yourself what a jerk the guy is and how badly he treated you. I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better. You are strong and capable and things will get much better.

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IntrinsicValue

I just feel so sick to the stomach to think that he has moved on so quickly. I was worth nothing.

I resonate deeply with your grief. The very day my "parents" left me, they were posting smiley, kissy, life is all pie and roses posts and pictures on social media. And I think, "How am I here, trying hard *not* to kill myself because of it all...and you guys...are celebrating?"

But think of this; do you REALLY want to go back to THAT? To the control, the manipulation, the mean words, his failure to value and love you as you deserve?

Someday, you (and I) will look back on this as a grieving period. And we will be so, so glad that we were brave enough to Keep.Walking.Away.

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lizzibethak

Good reminder..............was having a jealous/anger moment this week..........I was the one who wanted out and he made sure he had someone else before he left........his life is all new/shiny/lovey/etc. while I'm the one left to heal and move on!! Some days it just doesn't seem fair??

And what if he really treats her different than he did me........what if she really can accept his crap-ola as wonderful and laugh at his crude jokes and think his inappropriate boundaries are just fine.............what if????? Then all the lies he told her about me would be true and I really was a loser/fat donkey/controlling/unfeeling/sexless/bit**????

31 years of chaos and craziness and he just gets to walk away free...........and I am the one who needed therapy and meds!!

But...........my house has NEVER been this quiet and restful. There have been days when I came home and walked in the door and cried because it was so peaceful and restful and I was so thankful to be rid of him and safe.

Yes......we all run the gamut of emotions throughout this healing process. Despite these mini-roller-coaster rides, my friends and family say I look truly happy for the first time in ages..........it shows on my face!

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Quaddie

what if she really can accept his crap-ola as wonderful and laugh at his crude jokes and think his inappropriate boundaries are just fine.............what if????? Then all the lies he told her about me would be true and I really was a loser/fat donkey/controlling/unfeeling/sexless/bit**????

So think about that for a minute. HOW would it mean his lies and insults about you are "true," if someone else puts up with being treated like crap?

Someone else's tolerance has nothing to do with who or what YOU are.

Even if he was the most wonderful person in the world, but you left because you just didn't LIKE him, wouldn't mean you were those horrible things.

I guarantee you that an abuser doesn't magically change into a wonderful person just by changing victims, though.

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Decorus

Well, it has been a long time since getting on this site. You have all kept me sane there for a while. I am better. Much better. I just want you all to know that it takes time to heal. I have seen a doctor and physcologist to deal with my emotions. I was on anti depressents and sleeping tablets for a while but have been off those for at least 6 months. I exercise and keep busy. I am not dating but looking forward to the time when I am ready.

I gave his dog back to my abuser (which he refuse to take back, look after, acknowledge etc etc). You know what? He made his new girlfriend answer the door. I did not even see him. What. A. Coward. And yes it was hard to do because I knew he would take her to the vet and put her down. But I said my goodbyes. It was hard for my kids but they knew it was best for me.

My abuser has tried to make contact 3 times over the last 2 months (obviously, he has discarded his new girlfriend). Once it was to ask me to dinner. No hello, how are you etc. Just an email with 'would you like to go to dinner'. No acknowledgement of my name even. I deleted it. 3 weeks later he sends 2 more emails asking if I would like to catch up and have coffee and a chat. I deleted those also. I have seen his car drive past my house. I ignore it. I'm telling you all these things because 6 months ago, I would have replied to those emails and the horrible cycle would have started again. I am still healing but I am getting stronger and stronger every day. Thank you for the support and for those who are still managing the emotions, stay strong and do not go back!

Much love to all xoox

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Appletree

Lizzibethak if they truly fit together and are happy well fine and dandy let them stroll into the sunset - but that says absolutely NOTHING about you as a person and certainly nothing negative.

I can imagine the total disbelief in seeing him treat someone else well. But you also know outward appearances mean diddly squat.

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Breno Cardoso Barbosa

going thru breakup is really hard. I've experienced it and i was really depressed. :( But i didn't give up and tried to look for the one that will make me happy. :)

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