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Issues, more issues, and difficulty asking for help...

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Sorry, this is probably going to be long.

I've been out of work for over a year now. I've had three interviews over as many weeks, all for grocery stores. (I'm not sure if you've heard about the Market Basket issue -- the employees went on strike and customers boycotted on their behalf; the issue's now settled happily and things are getting back to normal -- but the remaining grocers have been absolutely slammed. Consequently, they all needed lots of new personnel.

But not me, apparently. I basically said I'd do anything (except deli, due to slicer-phobia), but I'd be happiest just stocking shelves -- which has been a big need. I did that for over a year at K m a r t. No problem. But somehow, in the grocery world, at least here, it's a man's job?!? WTH? The last interviewer even said, "But you're tiny!' and implied that since I'm older (54), I couldn't possibly lift the boxes or unload freight from the trucks.

I'm trying to stay positive and not take it personally, but I can't help feeling insulted, angry, and frustrated. I feel like some kind of freak no one wants. (I've applied to other jobs, mostly office, which I'd like, but I never hear anything back.) It's especially frustrating because I can't figure out why I'm so undesirable. I guess I'm going to the Employment Office on Tuesday for retraining or something. I already went through the state's free soft-skills training and certification process a few years ago, and passed both with flying colors, but that seems to have done absolutely nothing for me. Employers don't express any curiosity about it or any desire to verify it. Which sucks, because I was proud of doing it. It was one of the most outgoing things I did while healing from the ex's abuse.

I tried to go back to school after that to finish my Bachelor's, but I just couldn't buckle down and do the work. It was probably the worst period of self-destructiveness I've had since the divorce. I still don't have a good handle on stopping the need to shoot myself in the foot (I posted an article on how we maybe do this because we think we don't deserve good things, even though we were the victims of abuse), but I seem to be doing a little better.

Anyway...the other thing I've been trying to do is self-publishing. It seems like the perfect thing for me -- I love to write stories and I think I'm at least decent at it; I'd be working for myself; I can do it here at home.

Trouble is, since I decided to take a stab at it a year ago, I've been blocked like I've never been blocked before. Right after I got divorced, when I was feeling like death warmed over, I eventually started writing fan fiction. No problem. I couldn't function on any other level, but there the words just flowed right out of my head onto the page.

Now that I've decided to do it as my job, it's like pulling teeth and toenails. Or worse. And it's probably because I decided it was the best chance I have of actually making a living that the words stopped flowing. As a hobby, it was just pure fun, no pressure; as a money-making venture and the crux of my future hopes and dreams, it's all pressure. And fear. Lots of fear. What if it doesn't work out? What if no one wants to buy my books after all? What's left after this last resort? What if I'm really NOT any good?

Also, depression. It keeps me anxious, makes me think I'm not capable of doing many things (also probably some residue from the ex's programming left there, despite my best efforts), keeps me from doing things I need to do (like working towards that yard sale that might help me not only clean out this hoard-y house, but maybe make a little money towards paying all these things I've been begging for more time on -- like my car payment, heat, lights, water, etc.). I feel like when I improve just a little in one area, another area goes off the rails. It would probably help to go to therapy again (meds never really helped me), so maybe once I can apply for the new insurance that just went into effect here, I'll be able to do that.

I'm sorry if this is a little disjointed or unclear. I'm forcing myself to get this off my chest right now, rather than letting perfectionism keep me quiet as usual. Also, for a while now I've felt like I shouldn't complain or be negative about my situation or ask for help or hugs -- like I'm somehow wrong for doing that. Like I should be able to fix everything by myself, like I'm a whiny bother if I tell people I'm in trouble and I'm hurting and sad and I could use some sympathy. I don't feel that way about other people, mind. Just me. (I once had someone tell me that if you made your troubles public, the Devil would then become aware of them and make life even worse for you. It sounds silly saying it, but my subconscious seems to have latched onto it for some reason and makes me feel like I'm disappointing God if I complain or ask for help out loud. I don't understand it, but it certainly makes it almost impossible to reach out and ask for anything, even hugs).

I asked the exhole for financial help back in January -- this is a man who makes $45 an hour at least (at a job I helped him get years ago), who, after 24 years of marriage gave me alimony for three years of $6,400 each year. (This after spending nearly 20 of those years out of the workforce as the housewife and stay-at-home-mom he wanted me to be.) He told me he'd see about helping after he got his tax refund back. Later, when I called to ask if he'd gotten the refund yet, he replied that he thought I was working and he'd spent $6,000 on insulating their house. Later, he sent me $25 to go towards S21's therapy and said that that was "the last, ever!" Whatever, jackass. So generous and compassionate.

Meanwhile, the roof here -- at the house he refused to do any maintenance on when he was living here -- has been leaking for over a year. I managed to afford $300 for someone to tarp it as a temporary solution last year, but that's all shredded now due to a wind storm. It lasted longer than it should have, anyway. My neighbor asked me, "Did you think it was going to last?" I just looked at him and frowned. Yeah, sure -- I thought the tarp would last forever. Argh.

Sorry. Rambling. Just...I thought things would be better by now. I guess it's mostly stuff I need to work through, healing things still, still working on my depression, but...I'm literally down to $50 in cash, $36 in f o o d s t a m p s (I'm the only one who qualifies right now, because S21 isn't working -- he's been rejected at interviews, too), my bank accounts are in negative numbers (because of a fiasco between a credit card I'm trying to pay off and the bank -- did you know it could take four days for a payment to get drawn from your account, even though you told both agencies to stop it? I didn't) or pennies.

Still, let me be clear: my worst day out is STILL BETTER than my best day in. My failures, frustrations, and disappointments are endured WITHOUT an exhole judging me and lecturing me. And that makes all the difference. I'll pull myself up and find a way through this. "Better" is taking a longer time than I thought, but it doesn't mean I won't get there. (As long as there's instant coffee in my kitchen I'll probably survive.) Meanwhile, prayers, hugs, positive vibes, and advice are all gratefully accepted.


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I hope things turn up job-wise and that the employment office is helpful.

It sounds like it would be helpful if you were able to get into counseling of some sort. Is there a food pantry in your area? If there is, take advantage of it.

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Rocket, I can't begin to say how much this touched me, or even exactly why :) I'm in a similar place and have been for quite a while. It feels like I've been in this 'place' since I got out of my abusive relationship, but perhaps it gets more intense now and then.

I too am 'in between' jobs with my own version of difficulty being hired, in part due to my age (almost 50) or so I think.

Just getting MOVING forward . . . I just throw up my hands here.

No advice, just empathy I guess.

I have a suspicion once we get work, SO much will just fall into place. Work being a kind of cornerstone of getting it back together again. I've been in this spot as far as work goes before, and getting a job or new job DID seem to break up the log jam. But until then? . . .


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big girl

A new affirmation for you - either ;

My perfect work comes to me in a perfect way, under grace


I step over the walls of lack and delay, into my promised land, under grace.

The second one, I find, always brings almost instant results.

remember, open your mind and believe, don't have conditions on the how and why. And 'money' comes in different forms, gifts, coupons, money saved and other 'needs' catered for through acts of kindness. Have faith, give your faith action (the bible asks for this specifically) and go on as if what you need is already here. If you get a 'hunch', no matter how strange, follow it - Spirit can only answer your request if you listen to His guidance.

And super big HUGS :hug008: it is WAY a- ok to ask for a hug and some sympathy :D

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much love to you my dear.....

I am sending light, love and positive vibes..

this too shall pass


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Hi Rocket,

Just saw this. Sending you love and affirmation, as well.

What state are you in? Was your alimony court ordered? If so, I am gob-smacked! After a 20 year marriage I had to pay my ex a heck of a lot more than just over 6K a year! And, my ex, as long as he doesn't remarry, has the option to take me back to court to ask for more $ as long as I am alive.

Can you try to get more alimony?


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