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kc218

Ever feel like you are going to blow up?

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kc218

Hi all,

Some of you all know what I have been through. I thought I was doing well and in some respects I am, but, for the past few months (and it's gotten worse recently), I've found that I am just constantly irritable. Any and everything can piss me off. And when I do get mad, it's like a rage takes over and I can't control it. I've never felt this way before. Do you think it could be from never being able to express anger for six years?? (while I was with my ex...God forbid I ever express any type of dismay around him). It's a horrible feeling but I feel like I could just lash out at anyone at anytime for any reason. I feel like everybody is in my way when I'm driving or in the mall or wherever. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I feel no joy in life at all. Even with an antidepressant. It's helped a bit but not much.

I also noticed this anger is taking on another route, in that I feel angry about things that happened a long time ago. Feelings I had at the time of past incidents have resurfaced. For example: In 2003, I was working a part-time job. I started looking for a full-time job. I asked my manager if I could use her for a reference and she said yes no problem and I thanked her and obviously gave her the courtesy of knowing someone may contact her for a reference. Well, long story short....someone called and she basically messed up the reference which was actually out of character for her....she had always been nice, but it cost me the job and it was a good opportunity. At the time I was pissed and quit. So that was 11 years ago and now it's like those feelings have come back as if the incident happened yesterday. I still wish I had told her off. Quitting at the time made me feel better. This is just one example of anger from the past resurfacing. What is wrong with me??? This is horrible I know but I just want revenge on anyone that has EVER done or said something to hurt me. This isn't me!!!! :arguement:

Ok, last but not least, I take everything personally. Like when people do something irritating it has GOT to be a direct hit to me even if logically I know it isn't. The whole "someone is out to get me" idea.

I'm printing this out and taking it to my therapist. I feel I'm in real trouble here and I don't like how it feels and I don't want to hurt anyone :(

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Bink

You sound just like a person who has repressed her natural anger her whole life. It doesn't work that way, it ALWAYS comes back home to roost :( It's scary and you'll need to work with yourself on it but it's actually a return to a more healthy way of being.

If you were brought up like I was, girls did not get angry, it was disgusting and shameful, it made you ugly and no one would like you (including your parents, who were brought up the same way :( ). When you get older, if you are angry you'll be called a 'ball breaker' and a 'b*tch' and that is a huge turn off to men. No man will want you, they only want sweet natured, compliant women who just smile and say OK to whatever they want. Only ugly, nasty women are angry, only BAD women get angry.

Sound familiar? No wonder you wake up one day in your mid forties and all that normal anger you had never expressed in your whole life wants to come out at once. For me, it looked so dangerous, like I would hurt someone (verbally but not always just). I think it only looks that way because we've been brought up to fear anger. It's actually normal and natural, except when it's been repressed.

This is very interesting to me, in a general way for all of us, I mean :) Anger is all about setting boundaries, it is our natural drive to set boundaries for ourselves -- and then we are punished or rejected for it. No wonder so many women live lives where people are walking all over them, abusive men included -- they couldn't ever get NORMALLY angry and say "No!"

I think looking at yourself VERY compassionately right now, with the same concern you'd have for a good friend in need. You've been walked all over your whole life, you've been taken advantage of and you just had to smile nicely OR ELSE. No wonder you want to strangle people.

I don't think you will, you ARE a kind person, but even kind people have natural anger and need to set boundaries with others and all that. I believe this will pass, with time, but mostly with you taking charge of this and when the anger rises, KNOW what is happening. It's not really the person who cut you off on the freeway or the snarky little twit at the drive through window. No one is REALLY out to get you. It's just that you've had ENOUGH and you can't live all bottled up anymore, it's unhealthy and you are trying to get healthy.

Also, please try this -- laugh at yourself a little. I mean, really, are they ALL out to get you? Are you a ninja?

Last week I had SUCH a horrible hormone storm (the change :raincloud: ) and it finally hit me what was going on. Before that, I just thought people were effing STUPID. So I emailed a friend and said in all capitals EVERYONE IS TRYING TO KILLLLLL MEEEEEEE and just seeing that made me see what an emotional ding dong I was being. I imagined a whole village with pitchforks and torches chasing me. I know I'm weird, but it was kind of funny. I just take myself SOOOO seriously, like it is a federal event when the tire I took to have fixed um didn't get fixed (flat by the time I got home). Sure it was a real pain in the butt but it wasn't this massive life crisis. It FELT like a massive life crisis because then I thought of all the OTHER CRAP WRONG IN MY LIFE, and then remembered a few more I'd forgotten. I still have trouble with anger, the hormones just make me more sensitive. Seriously, think of yourself as a cartoon character, any way to relax and laugh at yourself a little because you know what? It's not that serious. It's not that big of a deal. If everyone was actually HONEST they'd be admitting to all their imperfections and none of us would feel like we were the only dipshits in the world.

Did you say you have a therapist? That's fantastic!! Way to go :)

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kc218

You sound just like a person who has repressed her natural anger her whole life. It doesn't work that way, it ALWAYS comes back home to roost :( It's scary and you'll need to work with yourself on it but it's actually a return to a more healthy way of being.

If you were brought up like I was, girls did not get angry, it was disgusting and shameful, it made you ugly and no one would like you (including your parents, who were brought up the same way :( ). When you get older, if you are angry you'll be called a 'ball breaker' and a 'b*tch' and that is a huge turn off to men. No man will want you, they only want sweet natured, compliant women who just smile and say OK to whatever they want. Only ugly, nasty women are angry, only BAD women get angry.

Sound familiar? No wonder you wake up one day in your mid forties and all that normal anger you had never expressed in your whole life wants to come out at once. For me, it looked so dangerous, like I would hurt someone (verbally but not always just). I think it only looks that way because we've been brought up to fear anger. It's actually normal and natural, except when it's been repressed.

This is very interesting to me, in a general way for all of us, I mean :) Anger is all about setting boundaries, it is our natural drive to set boundaries for ourselves -- and then we are punished or rejected for it. No wonder so many women live lives where people are walking all over them, abusive men included -- they couldn't ever get NORMALLY angry and say "No!"

I think looking at yourself VERY compassionately right now, with the same concern you'd have for a good friend in need. You've been walked all over your whole life, you've been taken advantage of and you just had to smile nicely OR ELSE. No wonder you want to strangle people.

I don't think you will, you ARE a kind person, but even kind people have natural anger and need to set boundaries with others and all that. I believe this will pass, with time, but mostly with you taking charge of this and when the anger rises, KNOW what is happening. It's not really the person who cut you off on the freeway or the snarky little twit at the drive through window. No one is REALLY out to get you. It's just that you've had ENOUGH and you can't live all bottled up anymore, it's unhealthy and you are trying to get healthy.

Also, please try this -- laugh at yourself a little. I mean, really, are they ALL out to get you? Are you a ninja?

Last week I had SUCH a horrible hormone storm (the change :raincloud: ) and it finally hit me what was going on. Before that, I just thought people were effing STUPID. So I emailed a friend and said in all capitals EVERYONE IS TRYING TO KILLLLLL MEEEEEEE and just seeing that made me see what an emotional ding dong I was being. I imagined a whole village with pitchforks and torches chasing me. I know I'm weird, but it was kind of funny. I just take myself SOOOO seriously, like it is a federal event when the tire I took to have fixed um didn't get fixed (flat by the time I got home). Sure it was a real pain in the butt but it wasn't this massive life crisis. It FELT like a massive life crisis because then I thought of all the OTHER CRAP WRONG IN MY LIFE, and then remembered a few more I'd forgotten. I still have trouble with anger, the hormones just make me more sensitive. Seriously, think of yourself as a cartoon character, any way to relax and laugh at yourself a little because you know what? It's not that serious. It's not that big of a deal. If everyone was actually HONEST they'd be admitting to all their imperfections and none of us would feel like we were the only dipshits in the world.

Did you say you have a therapist? That's fantastic!! Way to go :)

Bink

Girl you crack me up lol :laughing-smiley-014: Yeah I guess looking back I really did suppress a lot of emotion. I always felt like I just couldn't express myself. I really identified with everything you said especially "It FELT like a massive life crisis because then I thought of all the OTHER CRAP WRONG IN MY LIFE, and then remembered a few more I'd forgotten." That is SO on the mark. I'm going to try to not involve and combine every past hurt into a situation and just deal with it in itself. And laugh at myself...definitely because some of the things I get paranoid over are truly hysterical. Thank you for your post...it really helped a lot...but then again, you always do :) And PS: I'm not a ninja :devil-smiley-019:

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Noname

I like the title of ever feel you are going to blow up. Well my answer is a lot if the time and the sad thing is 90 percent of the time the anger has nothing to do with my abusive sister

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