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volcano92

Food for thought??

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volcano92

Was told this once.... what are your thoughts?

"Life becomes easier when y ou learn to accept an apology you never got."

xx

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vpc

Welcome volcano92 :)

I'm throwing that statement around in my head and can see some positive and negative outcomes. And could probably ramble on for quite a while lol.

You will probably get more responses if you post in the main forum as that area has higher traffic.

:welcome to:

Vicki

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Lexi

IMO, this statement would be great for the occasional thoughtless action of another, where it is not an ongoing issue, and you need to move on with your life. That being said, one should be careful that this statement does not give an abuser the green light to continually mistreat another, and the victim should know that there is a point which goes too far.

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Bennu

My dad said something like that when I told him that I was thinking of divorce. It's not right when it is one sided. No one else can see that for us. We know how we feel and how much we can forgive. When one side demands needs met yet attacks when asked for the the same in return, how can forgiveness be the solution?

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Hollycat

Sounds like a 12-step saying. To me, it means forgive.

Definitions of forgiveness are different for different people. Some people think they have to forgive and forget. Forget doesn't necessarily come into it for me. To forget means to let down my guard. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. For me, forgiveness is to let go of the anger and hurt [by not focusing on it and by staying in the present] and to move on. It doesn't matter what the person who hurt you does. When you stay locked in anger and resentment, you only hurt yourself and you stay 'connected' to the person who hurt you, allowing them to continue hurting you. When your pain does not hurt the person back who hurt you, why stay hurt? Forgiveness does not mean forget and let the person do it again.

E.g. When h complains about the housekeeping, I say, "I don't care. I can never do it to your standards, so I decide what I will and won't do and that's the way it is. I don't care what you think, because it will never be enough. You know that's true." H usually has a comeback, but I truly don't care when it comes to this particular issue, so I ignore it and move on.

For me, forgiveness means let the hurt go: "Okay. You hurt me. Don't do it again and we'll talk no more of it. It doesn't mean I'll forget, but I will agree to move beyond it." Forgive and forget can only happen when the other person is contrite. When the other person remains unrepentant and continues to hurt, then forgiveness is one-sided, as it was meant to be. This can be a hard concept for black and white thinkers to grasp. In other words, you move on and let go of the anger and pain, so you can focus on the present and future, while not allowing the other person to continue to hurt you. You move away from the person or the situation. You do not enable them to continue hurting you. Yes, it is easier said than done. That's why forgiveness is hard.

Even in a workplace bullying situation, there are certain master manipulators that are so accomplished at distributing their poison covertly, experts will advise you to find another job for your own peace of mind. You cannot 'win' by continuing to be a target, because the bully doesn't care about the effects their behaviour is having on you. Sadly, it seems to be the same with verbal abusers. Obviously, far more serious and complicated, because they live with us and claim to love us.

When I find myself dwelling on past hurts, I remind myself to stay in the present and sometimes I talk out loud to reinforce that effort. E.g. "I'm scrubbing the toilet right now. The bowl is nice and clean now. Isn't that good of me? If anyone comes over, it will look like someone gives a hoot and I won't be mortified, so it is worth it to clean the toilet. What will I do next?" etc.

Or, if possible, I go for a walk/stomp to clear the cobwebs and focus on observing what is outside of me, just to get outside myself.

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Hollycat

My dad said something like that when I told him that I was thinking of divorce. It's not right when it is one sided. No one else can see that for us. We know how we feel and how much we can forgive. When one side demands needs met yet attacks when asked for the the same in return, how can forgiveness be the solution?

I think your Dad's interpretation is to 'forgive and forget'. It's okay to disagree with that interpretation and tell him so. He might learn something. Like I said to my Mother when she said, 'You made your bed,' "Yes, I did make my bed, but that doesn't make me a doormat. I meant my vows when I said them, but I did not agree to obey. There was a reason for that. To vow to obey means to be subservient and that is not something I ever agreed to. If he continues to feel entitled to hurt me without regard for my feelings, I feel entitled to leave. Whether it will come to that remains to be seen. Yes, there is a lot to consider, which is why I'm giving myself plenty of time to consider."

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Bennu

I'm considering too.

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