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Changing2013

My husband is begging me not to leave

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Changing2013

So there was another blow-up on the weekend. After my husband started to stay derogatory things and put me down, I asked him to stop. He refused. I asked him to leave the house and cool off. He refused because apparently that means I am telling him what to do. So I went to leave. I had my son in my arms. H was standing at the front door and wouldn't let me pass by blocking the doorway. He was getting really angry. Finally I got pass. As I was leaving, he was shouting that he will take my son away from me and get 100% custody. He shouts that I am a horrible wife. I hear him screaming inside the house as I drive off but cant hear what he is saying.

The blow-up leaves me shaken. I cant believe it has happened again.

I go home after a few hours. The first thing H says to me is how unfair it is I left the house because he wanted to spend time with our son. He told me my heart was made of lead and hoped that church could heal my heart of lead.

Anyway, the next day he says he is sorry but in the next sentence he starts to badger me about what am I going to do about the situation. He starts going on about how he cant keep on living this way without affection from his wife. He keeps badging me. Then I blurt out, "Well maybe we should separate."

Well I don't think he expected that response!

I actually felt a sense of relief when I said it. I suggested that I and our son move out.

Then H starts to beg me to stay. That he his really sorry and asks me to forgive me. He his devastated. He is crying. He tells me he loves me and wants to grow old with me. And it goes on and on. Everything you can think off, he says it - all the right things. He now wants to go and see the pastors at the church together. Now he wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

He keeps telling me what a good man he his and that I know what a good man he his in my heart and not to give up on him.

H has been distraught. He has been constantly staring at me. He says he cant live without us, that he is nothing without us.

So, I have been looking to move out. But the thought scares me so much. I don't know if I can do it. I feel like I might lose the plot. Its like I have this attachment to him despite everything that has happened. I keep asking myself, what if this time he does change....I hate this confusion.....HELP!...does anyone have any thoughts?

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rainbow

He's just saying that to keep you under his control. His facade won't last long and he will call u names again.

He will show any behaviour that controls and manipulates you. That's why he switched behaviour, the overt abuse wasn't working so he switched to emotional manipulation.

Don't fall for his bull$hit cause that's all it is. A man who loves you wouldn't switch behaviours like this.

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Edelweiss

So there was another blow-up on the weekend. After my husband started to stay derogatory things and put me down, I asked him to stop. He refused. I asked him to leave the house and cool off. He refused because apparently that means I am telling him what to do. So I went to leave. I had my son in my arms. H was standing at the front door and wouldn't let me pass by blocking the doorway. He was getting really angry. Finally I got pass. As I was leaving, he was shouting that he will take my son away from me and get 100% custody. He shouts that I am a horrible wife. I hear him screaming inside the house as I drive off but cant hear what he is saying.

He wants to control the dynamics here. It's not about the screaming and yelling or the saying derogatory things, it's about HIM being in control. When you walked out YOU took control of YOURSELF. You established a clear boundary, you stopped allowing him to control you. That's going to upset him. And he WILL use your child to try to control you further. When this happened when I was with my ex, he'd physically try to stop me from leaving with the kids. He knew if I had the kids with me, he still couldn't control me. He wanted to force me to come home, and he could do that if he had the kids there.

The blow-up leaves me shaken. I cant believe it has happened again.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You need to look LONG and HARD at the past and current situation, and decide if that's really the home you want to raise your child in. Because odds are, that's the way it's going to look the rest of his life as he grows up with you.

I go home after a few hours. The first thing H says to me is how unfair it is I left the house because he wanted to spend time with our son. He told me my heart was made of lead and hoped that church could heal my heart of lead.

In his mind, YOU have to be wrong. In EVERY WAY he has to justify you being wrong. He can NEVER be wrong, therefore YOU have to be wrong. YOU stepped outside of his control, therefore YOU have to be wrong. He has to justify his mistreatment of you, he has to justify the need for HIM to be in control of your life. Therefore, he will make up BS to make you be wrong.

Anyway, the next day he says he is sorry but in the next sentence he starts to badger me about what am I going to do about the situation. He starts going on about how he cant keep on living this way without affection from his wife. He keeps badging me. Then I blurt out, "Well maybe we should separate."

When they decide to "flip the switch" they expect you to flip with them. Again, the consequences of their actions don't matter. THEY have decided it's over therefore YOU should decide it's over. My ex was angry at me at one point for going to counseling and support groups, and researching and said I needed to just "get over it" and I blew a fuse and screamed at him, "AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO ME I HURT! I HURT! And I know you can't understand that, because you like to pretend you didn't HURT ME, but YOU DID! YOU HURT ME! And I need to HEAL!" That shut him up for that conversation, but overall he never really "got it". Because he doesn't understand that he can't just smash windows and then NOT have nice windows again the next day.

Well I don't think he expected that response!

of course not! He doesn't acknowledge that you have needs, or feelings! How could you possibly want to leave him?

I actually felt a sense of relief when I said it. I suggested that I and our son move out.

Then H starts to beg me to stay. That he his really sorry and asks me to forgive me. He his devastated. He is crying. He tells me he loves me and wants to grow old with me. And it goes on and on. Everything you can think off, he says it - all the right things. He now wants to go and see the pastors at the church together. Now he wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

Actions speak louder than words.

I would suggest a separation WHILE he works on these things. Can you suggest that? Tell him to live separately until he can get some mental health assistance.

1. these guys RARELY follow through on the mental health therapy

2. the therapy RARELY works even after 2 years

BUT

3. it would get you a chance to live in peace for a little while and maybe make the separation and move less dangerous if he thinks he can trick you back to be with him after talking to the pastor for a couple of weeks

He keeps telling me what a good man he his and that I know what a good man he his in my heart and not to give up on him.

H has been distraught. He has been constantly staring at me. He says he cant live without us, that he is nothing without us.

So, I have been looking to move out. But the thought scares me so much. I don't know if I can do it. I feel like I might lose the plot. Its like I have this attachment to him despite everything that has happened. I keep asking myself, what if this time he does change....I hate this confusion.....HELP!...does anyone have any thoughts?

Your feeling of attachment is NORMAL. It's how NORMAL people react to abusive relationships. It's called Trauma Bonding. You should google it and look it up just so you understand what's going on a little better. I still struggle with it occasionally after 2 years of separation. Normal relationships don't have the "push away" then "pull close" dynamics to them, so the bond grows gradually and each independent person has healthy boundaries. In a healthy relationship, you can break it off or move away and feel a little bit sad, but it's not DEVASTATING because you have normal healthy relationship dynamics. But the "pull close" then random CRUELTY or pushing away, then pulling close and being nice again, it's sorta like interval training LOL It creates an unnaturally strong and toxic NEED and FEAR OF LOSS in the bond. The individuals are no longer healthy or independent from each other.

There's also some addiction, chemical addiction even, in the chemicals released from the brain during these times that creates a NEED for the adrenaline and the excitement.

While you know in your mind what is right for you, you have to fight through ALL of these toxic unhealthy addictions and needs and codependency that's developed over the time in the relationship.

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Lily Bright

Changing...

I have read your story a thousand times.

Know how many times he actually followed through?

Church teachings (In particular, the one about if your spouse is an unbeliever but "he be pleased to dwell with her") kept me locked in a cycle of shame and degradation for fifteen years. If I'd killed him on our wedding night, I'd have served less time... :14:

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janeann

I could pretty much have written what you wrote. I agree about asking for a separation while he sorts himself out and it will give you peace which is so important. Then you can take if from there.

My husband told me that he was a very good husband too. He also blocked me going out when he was having a rage attack a couple of times, I didn't even see it as being wrong at the time, at least you are realising.

I understand the attachment too.I have been on my own for about 8 months and that feeling of a strong, special bond is just beginning to go. I wouldn't go back to that same situation for anything in the world, even on really bad days. You are stronger than you think and I bet you will be able to make a good judgement if he really does change or not but let him do the work now.

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Changing2013

Thanks again everyone for the replies.

Well, I lost the plot the other night and spent around 45 mins crying uncontrollably. I could not stop. What is happening?

Re: Trauma Bonds. Why has my therapist in over 2 years has not mentioned this?

I would suggest a separation WHILE he works on these things. Can you suggest that? Tell him to live separately until he can get some mental health assistance.

1. these guys RARELY follow through on the mental health therapy

2. the therapy RARELY works even after 2 years

BUT

3. it would get you a chance to live in peace for a little while and maybe make the separation and move less dangerous if he thinks he can trick you back to be with him after talking to the pastor for a couple of weeks

My husband is already in therapy! Anyway, I mentioned that maybe we need time apart to help heal ourselves. H said he doesn't want this. He is still so insistent that lack of an "emotional connection" between us is causing him frustration and thus to blow-up. I said all the more reason for us to split if he cant be around me without feeling frustrated when there is no intimacy. But again, he says he doesn't want us to separate. And he keeps reminding me what a good man he is, what a good husband he is, what a good provider he is.

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Bink

Hi Changing :) Regarding your therapist, why he/she has not brought up 'trauma bonding' is a very good question!

I saw a therapist briefly during my abusive relationship. I was open about the dynamics of our relationship. The therapist NEVER asked questions or offered the suggestion that my relationship was abusive. Not one single time. At the time, I was blaming myself for everything, and not aware I was in an abusive relationship. Still, you'd think a therapist would have a clue?

Bink

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cuddlymum

Well, I lost the plot the other night and spent around 45 mins crying uncontrollably. I could not stop. What is happening?

I think I can answer that one.

I used to do this occasionally while still in, and was surprised that I still occasionally had an uncontrollable crying fit after I was out. It stopped after a few months though. Looking back it was all the stress and upset forcing its way out. I'd held it together for so long, been strong, and the trauma had to go somewhere.

You'll be glad to know it only happened about three times after I got out, and each time I felt so much better. When I was still in it didn't help at all.

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Oceanblue

Changing...
You know, reading your thread made me feel like I was reading something I posted years ago. Do you ever feel like you are being pushed and pulled by him in a million directions? Like he pushes you away but as soon as you are away he pulls you back?

That was how I felt. He would do the same exact thing with me, and I felt JUST like you. I felt like I didn't know if I could do it without him. I couldn't see myself being happy without him and wondered if maybe--JUST MAYBE--this time it would stick.

It doesn't stick.
I spent 15 years with my abuser. There were good times and there were bad times. Any relationship has both of those, right? It's normal for things to not always be perfect. HOWEVER, what I experienced and what you are experiencing aren't the normal growing pains of a relationship. It isn't the normal ebb and flow of being with a person through all of their moods and life experiences...it's abuse.

I spent many years trying to figure out what I could do to make things better. I thought if I loved him more, read more self-help books, had more faith, prayed more, was a better wife, was a better example of God's love, working on my faults, laid boundaries down, and a multitude of other things that eventually he would be the man I "knew he could be."
The thing is...like Edelweiss said, past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. They do not get better; they change up their abuse tactics if they are faced with the possibility of losing. Some become more covert...others become more dangerous.
It wasn't me.
It was never me.
It was always him.
And it's HIM, not you.
He is an abuser and while you may know other facets of his personality, there is this big part of him that gets a payoff from making you feel 'less than' rather than in a healthy relationship where your smile, joy, and your ability to be yourself and be comfortable around your spouse at all times is the "payoff".

My experience...as someone who prayed and tried everything from counseling, church, church counseling, self-help books, more prayer, patience, waiting for change...is they do not change. I always believed that if anyone could change, it would be my ex. He did have a lot of love in his heart. He loved his kids and was so great with them when they were babies...that doesn't just disappear right, even though as they got older he also started being emotionally abusive to them? I seen him cry when he was sad, I seen the pain in his eyes from the abuse HE suffered from his father. I seen him moved by cards I wrote him, or moved when he seen someone close to him upset.

Being out...being out and free and clear from all FOG being with him put in there, I can see him for what he really is.
I can see what has resulted from my kids spending most of their lives with an abuser. I see the struggles they have with being themselves comfortably, or expressing their emotions in a healthy manner.
I hope you get free before more damage is done.
If you stay, there will be plenty more damage.
((((((hugs)))))
I'm so sorry that anyone experiences anything similar to what I did. It hurts...and you do not deserve that.

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Quaddie

Great post, (((OB)))

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Isla70

Changing... it's like I'm having the exact same conversation with my husband...he's a good man, good husband, good father this is what he tells me. That it just can't end like this... he can't live without me...all the sorries... the I'll do anything but as long as I set it up and we both go to same counsellor... that it's just that I don't have a beaming smile when he comes home from work, if I just did that everything would be okay...and he'll give up drinking which I doubt he has, he's away work now and I don't know if he is or isn't. It makes it so hard to move out, keeping us there with all this emotional manipulation...I know how you must be feeling I'm feeling the same and it's a scary prospect. These last two weeks I have done some serious reading about abuse, really for the first time and my eyes are opening, I have spoken to counsellors for the first time in thirteen years about the violence, they all say the same thing...he will never change. It breaks my heart to hear that, as I'm sure it does your heart...it's so hard to accept. Big hugs to you as you work your way through.

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Changing2013

These last two weeks I have done some serious reading about abuse, really for the first time and my eyes are opening, I have spoken to counsellors for the first time in thirteen years about the violence, they all say the same thing...he will never change. It breaks my heart to hear that, as I'm sure it does your heart...it's so hard to accept. Big hugs to you as you work your way through.

Yep - it breaks my heart too!

You know I am beginning to realise I don't always enjoy his company even in the "honeymoon" phase. I can never relax. Even if I see he's annoyed about something (without him necessarily being overly angry), I worry that a blow up may happen. Its so sad.

I also realise the other day that despite all we have talked about, with him begging me not to leave or move out, he has not once offered to let me and our son stay in the family home and he move out instead. Just found it interesting....

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Quaddie

Once you start realizing how really "not normal" what you've thought of as normal is, it really changes how you look at everything...

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Changing2013

I know right. But I still have trouble distinguishing between what is and isn't normal.

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Quaddie

I had needed an outside opinion to tell me that...about pretty much everything. That helped me get out.

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Changing2013

Yep, I feel this is me too. I need an outside opinion to understand what is happening. I have valued everyone's input. Thanks again.

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