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tenderheart

Personal Growth and Moving Forward

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tenderheart

For years I figured it would be up to me to make it happen. But it's not. I feel so torn up from my life. Not just the abuse from my ex...but the abuse from ex was the final straw really. It was a build up from many years ago starting with my son's father (not my ex). These two men (son's father and my ex) are cruel, mean, and cold. They could be two peas in a pod. Difference is that I did not pick my son's father..he picked me...I did pick my ex...because I thought he loved me deeply and would never hurt me. He lied. I had no way of knowing h was lying to me. I fell for the lies.

Between son's dad and ex as well as my son's little moments of relapse into an image of his father...I have nothing left in me. I am not here to complain about my son...just that he is a part of the equation. My son is much better than he was and has come a long way...thanks to prayer...to my influence (yes I'm going to pat myself on the back for that too); but my son does have issues yet (thanks to his abusive dad). :angry:

I have nothing left to give to another man yet I want to share my life with someone so much. I like to be single because I can do what I want...but there are moments of loneliness too. I don't want someone who is going to make my life harder...but better. Someone who knows how to communicate well, listen well, understand, take turns going back and forth with words...not yelling...someone who forgives easy and knows how to walk through a troubled moment without hurting but with the hope of resolve and loving more in the end. I know that may sound fairytale-ish...but I honestly believe there is someone like that for me out there...but I can't find him. I haven't dated because I haven't been ready. I think sometimes I'm ready so I look on line only to get massively discouraged.

I can't believe the men that contact me!!! If they are good looking they are playboys or too young...or they are too active for me...they expect a lot. OR they have very young children and I'm just not up for that after going through the battles with my own son. I put my whole heart into trying to be strong for my son...I had to clean up after his dad's messes CONSTANTLY and it just about killed me.

I'm tired....I don't know that I can ever be the me that was happier and more carefree again. I try and try...I look to my faith...and try to draw strength from there...and it's not happening. Finances are low...lost so much money over the past few years...and just can't take another gloomy, depressed day...yet, they keep coming at me.

Just venting...and I am reading things to help and staying in touch with friends (barely) but I am so withdrawn right now...I can't even stand the idea of having a conversation with anyone since I have nothing to talk about anymore. Thanks for listening.

Tenderheart

PS: Some people are stronger than others. I always thought I was strong, but realizing maybe (as hard as it is to say) I am one of the weak ones afterall. So hard to even think that is the case.

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tenderheart

For years I figured it would be up to me to make it happen. But it's not. I feel so torn up from my life. Not just the abuse from my ex...but the abuse from ex was the final straw really. It was a build up from many years ago starting with my son's father (not my ex). These two men (son's father and my ex) are cruel, mean, and cold. They could be two peas in a pod. Difference is that I did not pick my son's father..he picked me...I did pick my ex...because I thought he loved me deeply and would never hurt me. He lied. I had no way of knowing h was lying to me. I fell for the lies.

Between son's dad and ex as well as my son's little moments of relapse into an image of his father...I have nothing left in me. I am not here to complain about my son...just that he is a part of the equation. My son is much better than he was and has come a long way...thanks to prayer...to my influence (yes I'm going to pat myself on the back for that too); but my son does have issues yet (thanks to his abusive dad). :angry:

I have nothing left to give to another man yet I want to share my life with someone so much. I like to be single because I can do what I want...but there are moments of loneliness too. I don't want someone who is going to make my life harder...but better. Someone who knows how to communicate well, listen well, understand, take turns going back and forth with words...not yelling...someone who forgives easy and knows how to walk through a troubled moment without hurting but with the hope of resolve and loving more in the end. I know that may sound fairytale-ish...but I honestly believe there is someone like that for me out there...but I can't find him. I haven't dated because I haven't been ready. I think sometimes I'm ready so I look on line only to get massively discouraged.

I can't believe the men that contact me!!! If they are good looking they are playboys or too young...or they are too active for me...they expect a lot. OR they have very young children and I'm just not up for that after going through the battles with my own son. I put my whole heart into trying to be strong for my son...I had to clean up after his dad's messes CONSTANTLY and it just about killed me.

I'm tired....I don't know that I can ever be the me that was happier and more carefree again. I try and try...I look to my faith...and try to draw strength from there...and it's not happening. Finances are low...lost so much money over the past few years...and just can't take another gloomy, depressed day...yet, they keep coming at me.

Just venting...and I am reading things to help and staying in touch with friends (barely) but I am so withdrawn right now...I can't even stand the idea of having a conversation with anyone since I have nothing to talk about anymore. Thanks for listening.

Tenderheart

PS: Some people are stronger than others. I always thought I was strong, but realizing maybe (as hard as it is to say) I am one of the weak ones afterall. So hard to even think that is the case.

PS: I'm sorry that this post is so depressing. I am probably a rare case. I don't want to discourage others here looking for hope....this is just my life. There are so many more who are stronger and have a drive to move forward and live. I, personally, feel unloved, unappreciated, and part of my problem is that I am so afraid of rejection that I don't have the nerve to go out and try anymore. I was't always like this. Before my ex...I still had the fire. I don't have money to do anything either and that is a big deterrent as well (someone always has to say, "I'll pay for you.." Do I really want that? No!

I fear so much. I am tired all the time...so if I decide to spend a day doing something...I will wonder how I will feel at 3 p.m. that afternoon...no energy. I wish I were someone else. But I'm me...this is me. I hope I can come out of this one day before I'm old and gray and always wonder why I didn't live my life instead of watch it go by. Fear ss a beast that nobody should let defeat them. <_<

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Rocket

(((((((((tenderheart))))))))) :hug005::2:

You ARE strong. You've been through hell and you're still here, still surviving, still wanting your life back. You're still healing from the emotional (and in many ways, physical) equivalent of a horrific train wreck, and that takes time to get back on your feet. And it's often not a linear thing, either -- two steps forward, one step back. (Or the other way around at times!)

I know it's frustrating. I've been out since 2007, and I went through a phase then where I'd drop my kids off at school, come home and fall asleep, wake up just in time to pick them up, fix supper and then fall asleep again. I just needed the sleep then -- my mind and my body needed it to heal, even though I felt like I was being a bad mother. Other times, I'd sit on the couch, unable to get up and do anything but think about all the stuff I should be doing, unable to understand why I wasn't just doing it.

I understand about the money thing, too. I've struggled for years with my financial situation, and got to a place where I cut out anything that wasted gas (no trips to the store unless it was on my way home from work or we're completely out of food; no trips elsewhere if at all possible) or if it wasn't food or absolutely necessary for hygiene. I can't afford to go out to eat with friends (unless it's a cup of coffee or a muffin, and then rarely); my son and I get to go to the movies once a month only because the community college we both go to (hooray for P e l l G r a n t s!) has free tickets for students.

Anyway -- yeah. I know what you mean. It's hard to cultivate relationships when you're very, very stressed financially on top of the healing you're trying to do. It's very frustrating. :7::14:

Just...hang in there, okay? Try to be patient with yourself. (If you had a friend who'd been in an awful car accident, one they barely survived, would you understand if it took them a very long time to come back from that? To me, recovering from an abusive relationship is just as difficult in many ways.)

Be kind to yourself.

Also, this may seem counterintuitive, but...how do you feel about volunteering? I sometimes find that helping someone else -- just putting my focus elsewhere for an hour or two -- helps my mood (and my self-esteem) a surprising amount. Is there anywhere near you, so it doesn't cost money to get there? Just something to think about. :)

:hug005: :hug005: :hug005:

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tenderheart

(((((((((tenderheart))))))))) :hug005::2:

You ARE strong. You've been through hell and you're still here, still surviving, still wanting your life back. You're still healing from the emotional (and in many ways, physical) equivalent of a horrific train wreck, and that takes time to get back on your feet. And it's often not a linear thing, either -- two steps forward, one step back. (Or the other way around at times!)

I know it's frustrating. I've been out since 2007, and I went through a phase then where I'd drop my kids off at school, come home and fall asleep, wake up just in time to pick them up, fix supper and then fall asleep again. I just needed the sleep then -- my mind and my body needed it to heal, even though I felt like I was being a bad mother. Other times, I'd sit on the couch, unable to get up and do anything but think about all the stuff I should be doing, unable to understand why I wasn't just doing it.

I understand about the money thing, too. I've struggled for years with my financial situation, and got to a place where I cut out anything that wasted gas (no trips to the store unless it was on my way home from work or we're completely out of food; no trips elsewhere if at all possible) or if it wasn't food or absolutely necessary for hygiene. I can't afford to go out to eat with friends (unless it's a cup of coffee or a muffin, and then rarely); my son and I get to go to the movies once a month only because the community college we both go to (hooray for P e l l G r a n t s!) has free tickets for students.

Anyway -- yeah. I know what you mean. It's hard to cultivate relationships when you're very, very stressed financially on top of the healing you're trying to do. It's very frustrating. :7::14:

Just...hang in there, okay? Try to be patient with yourself. (If you had a friend who'd been in an awful car accident, one they barely survived, would you understand if it took them a very long time to come back from that? To me, recovering from an abusive relationship is just as difficult in many ways.)

Be kind to yourself.

Also, this may seem counterintuitive, but...how do you feel about volunteering? I sometimes find that helping someone else -- just putting my focus elsewhere for an hour or two -- helps my mood (and my self-esteem) a surprising amount. Is there anywhere near you, so it doesn't cost money to get there? Just something to think about. :)

:hug005: :hug005: :hug005:

Rocket...thank you so much for your reply. It feels good to be acknowledged. I so appreciate your time to write me. Thank you, thank you.

Just to touch on volunteering quick...it's something I WANT to do and plan to do it. In fact, I would love nothing more than to devote my life to helping people...in some way. I just don't know how yet. I can volunteer at the Kathy Hospice...but they also have a volunteer center in our area. I want to do something where my heart feels it...something really incredible. I love the idea of going through my church...but I am not real involved in church...there is fear there...fear of failure and rejection. I feel I have to reach so hard to get a response from people. I do understand that helping others can be very rewarding. Thank you. for your suggestion.

I also am grateful that you understand. Sounds like me...I want to close my eyes and just go away for hours and hours. I have let myself go cause I have no money to take care of myself. Same old clothes...worn out...used to have my hair highlighted...can't afford it...so back to dingy color...no more nails getting done...cruddy feeling all day every day. I just have nobody that really appreciates me or cares. My son makes me sad because I have given so much and he of anyone should respect me more than anyone...but he still has immaturity in him...he's only 20...and at times...just casually says things that are very shocking...almost like he just thinks he's entitled to things...like my car.

I'm sad. But I will try to stay connected and step forward. I don't want to be the weak one. No man wants a woman who is damaged...they want the fun loving care free, fun laughing...adventurous woman. THAT IS NOT ME. Even if I weren't depressed I wouldn't be as adventurous as some are. It just not my character. I feel so wounded that I am not sure I have the deep soulful laughter anymore. On the outside I can fake it...but deep down I'm dying with heaviness. I don't know how to let go and move on and make it better. Maybe I'll get there. Maybe this is part of getting there. Idk. I'm sick of being tired and sick of being sad. Something has to get better soon. I long for a relationship that works. I never dreamed I'd be alone at my age. I'm 46. I never dreamed I wouldn't have a normal life. I know there are always problems in marriages...but I've seen good marriages where they love through those tough times...the love is solid and real...there is respect...I want that...I WANT that. I am so discouraged that I am alone. I have no one...and getting out to meet people is so so so hard for me. Men don't like a woman who isn't secure and strong...and i am the farthest from that now. I always thought I was strong...tried to be what I know God made me to be...but I just somehow can't get there.

Rocket...thank you for your sweet words of understanding. you have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time and effort to share your views.

I will not give up...not quite to that point but pretty close...just not ready to throw in towel completely. Hugs to you friend.

Tenderheart

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MorningGlory

You know what helped me was a routine.

I was going to get coffee in the same place at the same time each week. Make it a even that involve a half an hour. Take something to read and talk about. Say Hi to the people while I was there. The repetitive nature made it so I could have a reason to be there. It was my time it was something I did on this day at this time. I was going to acknowledge the people around me and live in the now. Try to laugh try to complement. The interaction usually cheered me up.

I was going to do a sport activity twice a week. So I picked days to do sports and road my bike to things that were a few miles. Then do a thing like buy a newspaper and ride home to read. Ride my bike to the library. You might get a book that even stinks and you can laugh about how that one will never get finished. In the repeat you're doing things. You will be taking in life. The next thing you know you will be saying. Hey I was here and talked this person. What you said reminded me of this.

Go to a restaurant once a week on the same day and order the same thing. Become a regular. I did this at a mexican restaurant and would order the small soup and water and get free chips. with tip 6 dollars I ate those chips and had my soup called it dinner and it was a treat. People tend to treat you different when they recognize you. It does not make you important it make you involved and not invisible. I think you need this.

I notice ever so often I get a down feel and it because I have emotional needs. No human will ever meet them I am am learning this is my job to meet them this is my body way of trying to tell me who it is. You're not involved because maybe the abuse is making how you talk and who you are off kilter in conversations a bit. I have decided I was going to be honest this time around. I am making it clear to the relationship near me I was abused. Then letting them know The past relationship have not reconciled this yet. That I am learning as I try and explain it to them some are really not wanting to see it but I am getting others that have seen it first hand and they are starting to get over the shock of it. I have been a loving caring person I don not think any expected me to get a divorce. It has really upset some people and they are mad about that. Some women see me as weak for not concealing truths like they do. If that is how they want their marriage they are entitled. I will tell you this. I scare them because they lack the courage and strength to do what I did to get away. So they are hiding themselves. It is almost to revealing to see me moving and surviving. It make them doubt themselves. Hey It is not all about me I do care where your at. I do care where you are in your life. Yes I can congratulate your milestones. I will question and speak of hurts when you do not see my milestones. You will learn I am here and I am going to either count or you can look like a dork. Most women when they figure that out will chose to embrace you! They will not repect you until they learn they have to. Sometime you have to keep them in front of you too! People like to hide when they do not want to give. So stand in front say HI here I am. It is my birthday today!

Really it is today? Yes I am going out to dinner you should have called it would be funner to have you come. Gee shucks sorry. You know I have next wednesday open and I am alway at the coffee shop. Why don't you come with you can celebrate my birthday with me while I get coffee it is never to late for that. Ahhh well I am busy that day sorry. Boy you have a lot your doing these days? You should make more time for your self once and awhile keep in touch with your friends. You deserve it. (Here you're teaching your needs not insulting convincing them that they should take time out at the same time not letting them off the hook) If you do a few of these then I would say you need to find better friends.

Have a craft event at your house or cup cake frosting party and pull people in. You are creating your own circle of influence. Inviting married couple out was easier but your demographics have change so you need to be more creative. No longer about the dinner at the house thing. You can open it up Make the things you do shorter of filled with a activity. It will help in conversation.

Hope this helps!!!

:hug008:

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