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GoddessOrchid

The Phoenix- Rising?

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GoddessOrchid

Not sure what to say. Somedays I feel very strong other times not so strong. Today is one of the not so strong days. Maybe I should say I feel a little insecure. I prayed today. Working with my therapist on understanding the torture I survived without bringing the torturer into existence. Reading articles on what torture is and what happens to someone who undergoes such pain. Sometimes I feel so alone. . Getting the mail once week is hard and even though I get notices that my mailbox is full...I feel once is enough. Or taking a bath or shower, is a ritual for me, I never felt pure or clean in my marriage and so my ritual helps me feel pure. Water is life. Only wash with the most healthiest of soaps, scrub my body with different sponges and wash cloths. I wash one arm and then the next. Then the legs and feet...until I wash my whole body. It is a process for me. A process that make me feel good and brings me further away from my torturer

Relationships are still difficult as I am voicing my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I am misunderstood, and people jump the gun. I am learning to not delete myself and to stand firm on my opinions. Even if it is in the minority. I am learning how to handle real life situations. I just want to speak truth and pure in heart.

I do not want to be around or surround myself around those who do not edify one another. Who find it difficult to see the goodness in a word or expression. I want to surround myself around purity. Not that I will find purity everywhere and not that I will always be pure myself. I believe in community. A people who may suffer or may come from wealth but still Inspires and encourage.

I wish to do good for others. To mend and heal other. To heal myself. To not be afraid or insecure and to not be afraid to say I am feeling insecure. Radically accepting the plan in my life. To face life in the face without avoidance. And to do so non-judgementally.

I don't know why I wrote this. I have no idea what relevance it has to anything but I just felt like writing....I am growing....rising...from the ashes...having many scars...burns...torn...tattered...forlorned but I find strength and keep rising. A few times, I fell back, was drawn into the fire again but I rose up....few months ago...I thought I was broken. Then I rose again...rising in my own essence. I am still a little shaky but I am here....breathing....alive. Human. Free.

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