Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
tenderheart

Just some thoughts to share

Recommended Posts

tenderheart

Well, I'm on here just typing away my thoughts and what's been going on in my life. I suppose it is what it is. I have realized that I am filled with anxiety at a fairly high level every day. It's just how I"m wired, but don't like it. I also have discovered that I get even more anxious and stressed out at the smallest activity that comes up in my life. I also find that there is a low tone of depression that is always there, never goes away. It's sort of a "ho hum" feeling all day long. When I do feel happy or excited...my thoughts are that "it won't last" so don't get too excited.

I have been divorced from my VA ex for about 5-1/2 years now. I was physically separated from him for even longer. I was deeply in love with the man. Thought he was my soul mate. I was putting all my eggs in one basket for him...trusting him completely with my heart. One hundred percent of my heart, mind, soul, finances, my child, my life. Ever since I was a teenager I always seemed to have trouble getting boyfriends. I don't know why. I was very shy and I wasn't the most attractive as a teen (or in general really). But even through my 20's I still didn't seem to attract men that were looking to settle down. They all usually wanted to "hook up" or just "date." Nothing serious. After a while you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. I had a fiance for 3 years before my ex. But I think I was just going through the motions HOPING I'd fall deeper in love with him. We obviously did not work out...he met someone right away and married shortly after.

Then I met ex. Let the physical and emotional attraction fly....it was crazy head over heels. I met my soul mate. I was 35 we met and 36 when we married. So, I waited into my 30's to marry thinking I had WAITED for the right man. Within one year and one month of our marriage, I moved out. <_<

The emotional impact on me with everything was taking it's toll. The abuse, then having to move out, then dealing with ex accusing me of abandoning him, "winning" his little game with succeeding in finding "biblical counselors" that actually sided with him (even though everything he did were lies, the abuse, the manipulations) they did everything to make me look out of control, stupid, and a bad wife. They told him he could divorce me for leaving him...abandoning him. That's a long story.

Anyway...over the years I have gone up and down. I have felt like a complete failure in these areas: my marriage, as a mother, in a career/finances, and in life in general. I have gotten by with my faith alone...and even that I sometimes feel like a failure because my emotional state of mind and fear I have holds me back from getting involved in anything. I have nothing to talk about and feel heavy hearted almost all the time.

My ex was dating almost immediately after the divorce was final, I believe he was already dating someone before we were divorced...but "Hey...it's okay because God allows my ex abuser to do that because he's special..." <_< NOT. Anyway, the woman he dated lived just south of the border of where he lived into the next state. I found out (from ex himself) that he had gotten in a scuffle with the woman's adult son. Apparently, my ex and him actually got into a physical fight. The cops were called...but the young adult and woman did not press charges. He totally got away scott free. I can't believe that!!!! In our state if cops are called and someone was hit...they automatically get arrested and charged with AT LEAST Disorderly Conduct...but usually some type of domestic or assault....how does this freak abuser man get away with EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME? Does he have a pact with the devil? omg.

Anyway...needless to say they broke up. THEN ex tried to get back with me. It was a very measly attempt at it because within 3 days or so he was yelling at me over the phone and then told me to NOT call him anymore because (his words here) "Besides I'm dating someone...or seeing someone..." This after he told me he'd like to see me and maybe try to work things out. Say what??? Apparently, this is where he met her. This woman....yes, ahhhh...wouldn't you know it. He is married AGAIN. This is his wife NUMBER FIVE. I admit....he did date her for a long time before he asked her to marry him...I think at least a year...then they married 11 months later....and they've been together now for a total of 4 years with dating and marriage together. So HOW? HOW? Did he change????

I am inclined to believe he found a woman who was so smitten with his charisma and smooth way of working women...that she is under his spell for good. I had caught wind of how he speaks to her via the 3rd ex wife who is in contact with me periodically. She still is close with his kids...she helped raise them for five years of their lives...so the kids invite her to big events like weddings and graduations...so she sees things first hand. Apparently, he speaks down to her (and in front of friends). When I found that out I remember it so well how he spoke to me...demeaning....so glad I am out. YET...somehow they both look happy together. They are building a house in a very well to do place in our area...that is something he and I were going to do one day.

Anyway...so here I am. Many years later...and still alone. I raised my son with the challenges of his biological dad (not my ex) who is yet another abuser. My son was verbally abused by his bio dad...and physically abused as well. So anger was being instilled in my son by his bio dads mistreatment. He turned my son against me and I lived another hell (aside of the abuse from ex) for the next 6 years or so. My son had gone through nightmare after nightmare and I was part of it because I was his mother, loved him sooo much and was going to be his rock through all this crap. Now I am breathing a little better...my son has turned a new leaf thank you to God and prayer...and my son's decisions to make some good choices in his life.

Where most of the people he used to hang with are either in jail, in trouble, or drug addicts, my son has pulled away from all that. He was becoming an alcoholic and I was even classifying him as an alcoholic at age 17. We ended up in the clinic, urgent care, and the hospital back to back numerous times with his stomach pain. Lets just say that this was probably a big wake up call for him to stop before it's too late. The pain was excruciating and even had to spend a night in the hospital. Still took a little more after that...but he ultimately opened his eyes. This is why I can now sleep at night again...I have some sense of peace...and my thanks goes to God.

My son has gradually been pulling away from his bio dad and realizes how much of a jerk his dad is. I don't tell him that, but my son figures this out on his own. He is 20 now.

Life is not perfect of course. My son is struggling with choosing a career...but I am hopeful in time he will find his niche.

Here the thing. He is 20 and yes, still living with me...but I don't know how to live anymore. I feel lost. I have no desire to socialize.

I am in a lot and LIKE it that way. I have moments where I wish I could be out amongst friends but get too anxious to actually do it. AND the big problem is lack of money. I never have money to go out and have drink because it takes fuel to get there and then spending money on drinks or dining is costly. I don't have it

I have been on dating sites...very very difficult to find someone on those. I only met one person a long time ago. It takes everything in me to even agree to phoning someone...but to meet them...that would take every ounce of energy out of me for the rest of the night.

I am not getting younger. I don't trust anyone. And wonder about what my life is for and where I'm supposed to be. I think I know. I think I'm supposed to be helping people. I want to help youth with regard to staying on a path toward success in life...or helping elderly feel loved and needed, or to be there to listen to a woman who's been in an abusive marriage...to hug them and let them know I understand. I just don't know how when I feel so physically tired all the time...always...every day. I go to work...even get tired there...and by 7 p.m. at home...I'm just done for the day. I have nothing left to give of myself and well, I feel that my ex robbed me, stole my soul....took the life out of me...so I have nothing left to give.

I don't want to discourage anyone here...this is just my life. Everyone is different and many of you and many women have so much more power within themselves to go on...to stand tall...to give their all after abuse.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't a limp wimpy spineless woman after my divorce. I stood very strong through a lot. It wasnt' just the abuse...there was another huge emotional battle I had to go through in the court system with regard to false accusations toward my son for something he didn't do. He didn't do anything...and he had to plea to guilty in order to avoid the worst penalty...but he got the deal was still horrible....and it was horrible because he was innocent...but that also took life out of me. I had to be strong through that because his dad was not there for him...in fact if his dad would have been responsible like he should have been it never would have happened. My son now has to carry something on his juvenile record that never should have been...and it's effected his career...where he won't be able to be what he wanted to be....it's so sick...and sad...and unfair.

What I am saying here is that I was not a wimp. I have been strong...for a long long long time. Got back up, pulled up my boot straps, and got back on the horse...many many many times.....but yanno what? I AM TIRED. I'm beat. I feel so done. Just wanna stay inside and not deal with anything anymore. Feel like I got slammed to a pulp over the last 10 years of my life, especially. But really my whole life.

Thanks for listening...and not to discourage...but just to vent....and share. I'm sorry. I don't know where else to go to share. I could journal all this...but somehow it feels good to share it with people who may understand.

Thanks.

Tenderheart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
big girl

Hey Tenderheart :hug005:

I read your post a couple of days ago and didn't have time to respond.

I just wanted to say that I have been where you are......

In some sense, it feels like he has 'won', though what the competition is I don't know. I have been in a place where I thought "finally he has me beaten - he's won" but I had to realise that no matter what he projects to the outside world (what I can see), it is a lie - just like our own marriage was. I can safely 'know' that he is still the same person because he doesn't feel he has anything to change.

I, on the other hand, have peace. I have my family and I have changed. Life is simpler and not chaotic, I am not living a lie anymore. I can go to sleep thankful that I don't have to look over my shoulder, or watch what I say. I am free.

I don't know if this will help you any, but in my case - the 'game' isn't over, he hasn't 'won' until we're dead. I plan to deal with what happened to me and move past it. It's an old part of my life, I still have much to live and I plan to live it well, despite the circumstances, I can still be happy, laugh and enjoy my children, feel the breeze on my face and listen to music that moves my soul. In essence, I am alive which is more than I was when with him.

:cheeky-smiley-005:

And the new wife? I don't for a minute believe they are truly happy. he is still who he always was - that hasn't changed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tenderheart

Hi Big Girl...

Thank you for replying to my post. ^_^

I too feel freer than I ever was with him. At first our marriage was pretty great...the new beginnings of our life together..the anticipation...the talk of our future together. We did everything together...and still had time to do other things separately. The trouble started when started in on trying to control my son only one month into our marriage (maybe two I can't remember)...and then he was so mad about that so he started to create problems with me that weren't even there. It's like because I wouldn't let him take control of my son...he didn't want me anymore. I didn't submit to him so I was worthless....that wasn't part of his plan to have a woman who wouldn't allow him to control her child (my son from another relationship).

How long have you been out?

I do feel I should go talk to someone. The person I would like to go see is about 40 minutes away and I'd have to drive during rush hour at least once every couple weeks if not more. The cost was an issue also. I just feel that even though I've been out so long that he sucked everything out of me. The laughter, joy, carefree way I used to have about me. I had such a strong hope and deep desire to love...and he just robbed me of all of that. HE stole my 30's and here I sit at 46 alone...feeling dead.

But you are right..I am alive too. I am happier now than I was with him during most of the 4 years we were married. I don't have to wake up to yelling...worry about being accused of things I didn't do. No more crazy making over here! I'm free too...and truly grateful for that much.

Thank you so much for writing to me.

Tenderheart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
big girl

I've been out 10 years. He and I began a relationship when I had a son from a previous relationship too! I became pregnant to him before I really saw his ugly side, it was like once I was tied to him, he could let all his ugly out.

I don't really know how to explain this but because I met him when We were both young, I saw his violence and control 'evolve'. In the beginning he was blatantly violent, and I had the law on my side, easy. As time went by, and especially since I left he was SO DETERMINED that I shouldn't 'win'. Whether my leaving him hurt him or just took away his control of me, he was damned determined to make me pay. So I have suffered for 10 long years, yet always 'won' in legal battles etc.

In 2012 all that changed - he played 'smarter' and with the compliance of the children he paid me back big time by taking them away. Two out of three anyway. I shrug my shoulders and say"OH well". Now I have less bills, more space etc. but it has shattered me. The betrayal was harsh, not from him - from the kids. It was about 2010 when I realised he had turned his focus on the kids. So when this came up last year, and I had some knowledge of his 'plan' it made it easier to let them go. My eldest daughter (with him) had refused to have anything to do with him since he assaulted her in 2010, that was 'my fault' too. I was turning her against him.

This is part of the reason why I feel kinda sorry for the new wife - she won't have the benefit of that evolution - she just gets the 'play smarter' version - lucky girl! :wacko:

So yes, I have suffered and know your feeling. Last year I felt 'beaten' but I've come back from the brink.

I thought of suicide, I thought of just leaving and dissapearing, but ultimately - that would be real 'winning' for him and some days that was all that kept me putting one foot in front of another! Not letting him 'win'.

He knows none of this either - to him it may look like I'm a cold and callous woman who relinquished her children just to rid herself of his control (I gave him full custody and decision making) so he is working at diminshing the relationship between me and the children - but they are not children forever, and they will work it out - just like the eldest did!!

DO take the effort to speak to someone - this has perhaps helped me the most. It will be worth the effort!!

Love and hugs to you!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MorningGlory

I do not know if this helps but I read niacin helps relieve depression.

I get to a point where I think I am good then you meet people that are divisive in life and you wonder if there problems will play into your past and make one bigger problem. I think what is different is that because I have open communication and a better understanding of myself. I am determined to not leave people with incorrect understandings and resolves. Even challenge them to be smarter in there thinking but studying laws and educating themselves to things that will change there understanding. I think what is different is that without that negative pull I can have a different outcome.

You need to believe you can have a victory in store for you at all times. I am not saying to live looking for revenge. Quite the opposite. You deserve all the blessing that you were granted to experience So do not let this bad leg of trauma kill your blessings. Even do not be afraid to tell people you have blessing around the corner and I can not wait to share them with you. The second something good happens share that with the people next to you. Keep a good news and blessing journal. Even if you have a day when you stand in awe of the beautiful place this world is. Write it in there. Read it when your depressed. One thing I learned is that I lived with chaos and emotional damage. It hurt the way I was. I carried it with me. If you think of the girl that grew up in the home with a al-right family she has good things to say. It shows. People respond to that. It makes them respond in positives. You need to feel that back. So if you share that stuff that is good around the corner you might have a dinner invite that will put you in the company of someone that can later be the missing link to inspire and move your son. You are a creative person with infinite ability's. I found that what is helping me was that my interest were to broad range. I just was not great in certain subjects. I have a lot of broad range knowledge. Because I never pinned exactly what I want to do. Shining bright was limited. I was shining broad beam and I need to look a tad farther down the street while driving. Help you son find his passion. Sound like he has grown but his aim is living not with focused passion. Hate to say it he is a adult so if he does not figure it out quick he will have to learn on his own after a while. I have met moms that tried helping there kids in there 30's and well they became enablers. He needs to take responsibility it is his own fate! No matter what the challenges no matter the trauma. We have to stand on our own two feet. Even kids with mental disorders learn to work and pay bills. It may not be the vision you had for him. Let him feel your love. Tell him to shine that he can do it and when he does one thing good tell him how that shows his strength. I will never forget when my mom said kind things it made me want to do them over and over again. We like to please our parents and make them feel proud we are their children. So you are this strength for him.

I do not feel a need to save my EX new spouse. From what I see she is buying it hook line and sinker. She is helping my EX even try to distance me from my son. I actually think she is quite manipulative herself. I do think my EX will have to obey for the rest of his life. I see her a dynamite wait to explode on me with her false self. I hope my healing has magnified by then so I will be able to roll that off and shine for my child. I keep building from the inside. I think once his inside are built the definitions will be in place and the story should make more sense. If he learns and gets it it means he can not be tricked in that area. So I am teaching him to think for himself. I hope it works. Been over coming Parental instantiation. It seems to be working. He is quite clueless to the withholding and can not understand the difficulties. I am showing him my house the phone is here. This works. This never breaks. You never get a what happened you get peace of mind we will fix it. It will be done quick not dragged out. When I go to a expert I have that person teach my child the laws and structure of life. He can see my paperwork and see truth. I am transparent for him to have ground.

Please do not commit suicide. My second dad did and well. So many people really missed him and were never the same. You do matter. When you get there your not in your right mind. Need to jolt your system and change the thinking. I have had those thoughts when I was really sick. They do not reflect your life. Only a wished to be loved and accepted for who and where you are. If your fearful you need to put one foot away from fear and then try it again. It only take three days to be in a better spot. 3 days makes a huge difference. :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tenderheart

I've been out 10 years. He and I began a relationship when I had a son from a previous relationship too! I became pregnant to him before I really saw his ugly side, it was like once I was tied to him, he could let all his ugly out.

I don't really know how to explain this but because I met him when We were both young, I saw his violence and control 'evolve'. In the beginning he was blatantly violent, and I had the law on my side, easy. As time went by, and especially since I left he was SO DETERMINED that I shouldn't 'win'. Whether my leaving him hurt him or just took away his control of me, he was damned determined to make me pay. So I have suffered for 10 long years, yet always 'won' in legal battles etc.

In 2012 all that changed - he played 'smarter' and with the compliance of the children he paid me back big time by taking them away. Two out of three anyway. I shrug my shoulders and say"OH well". Now I have less bills, more space etc. but it has shattered me. The betrayal was harsh, not from him - from the kids. It was about 2010 when I realised he had turned his focus on the kids. So when this came up last year, and I had some knowledge of his 'plan' it made it easier to let them go. My eldest daughter (with him) had refused to have anything to do with him since he assaulted her in 2010, that was 'my fault' too. I was turning her against him.

This is part of the reason why I feel kinda sorry for the new wife - she won't have the benefit of that evolution - she just gets the 'play smarter' version - lucky girl! :wacko:

So yes, I have suffered and know your feeling. Last year I felt 'beaten' but I've come back from the brink.

I thought of suicide, I thought of just leaving and dissapearing, but ultimately - that would be real 'winning' for him and some days that was all that kept me putting one foot in front of another! Not letting him 'win'.

He knows none of this either - to him it may look like I'm a cold and callous woman who relinquished her children just to rid herself of his control (I gave him full custody and decision making) so he is working at diminshing the relationship between me and the children - but they are not children forever, and they will work it out - just like the eldest did!!

DO take the effort to speak to someone - this has perhaps helped me the most. It will be worth the effort!!

Love and hugs to you!!

Hello big girl...thank you for sharing your situation. I appreciate all I hear because it just helps to identify and know that there are others who understand. Thank you.

I question your children how they are faring with the ex. I mean...if he was abusive toward you he will be toward them eventually don't you think? We can only hope NOT. What do your children say to you about how things are at home with ex?

My son's dad (not my ex husband-abuser, but my son'd dad-abuser from another relationship , worked hard at trying to turn my son against me. My son is now 20 years old. Son's dad-abuser did whatever he could in front of my son to make sure my son heard him cut me down and say things about me that would make my son NOT want to be with me. It was brainwashing in its finest form. You can imagine how my son just despised me during that time. His dad would criticize my son and cut him down for every wanting to be with me! It was insane what his dad did to this small impressionable young man. There were perverse things he did in front of my son including looking at internet po rn in front of my son...and my son would hear things sometimes that he never told me about because he was too embarrassed to share it. My son's dad used to mock my son for having any kind of mother/son relationship at all. I don't want to go off track here so I'll stop...but just trying to stay that my son's dad did all he could to turn my son against me, and it worked all the way through high school. Just now at age 20...maybe the last 4 to 5 months my son has shown signs of care and love toward me. He stopped going staying at his dads as much as he used to pretty much at age 16 or 17...and tapered off to not going at all by age 17-18. Today he only sees his dad during family functions and even that is hard for him to go lately. It took THAT long (5 years or so) for the anger to get out of his system...for as much as it could because i believe there is still anger in my son as it rears it's ugly head at times yet). I tried to teach my son while he lived here to think, breathe, count to ten...talk don't yell...communicate with me and I will respond. We still have issues...but it's better. Amazing how much damage can be done by one little man (the "little" man being my son's dad).

Anyway...so when I was with my ex-husband (not my son's dad) he drove me to the brink of temporary insanity. I didn't understand why I felt like I didn't want to live! I did want to live...but in the moment...in the crazy making moment...it's like I left all rational thinking and decided that it would be good to just off myself. I felt frustrated because I was too weak to do that...in my faith also...I couldn't do that because it's not right in God's eyes. Yet...I did one day cut one of my wrists with superficial cuts because he was making me so so crazy. The biggest mistake I ever made was doing it, the second biggest mistake was letting him see it. Oh my gosh...he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED that he had that much control over me!!! Not only that...all he did was run around telling everyone how crazy I was cause I cut myself...he even told his then 15 or 16 year old son. He didn't have to..he could have protected me by telling his son it's not your business but he wanted to make sure that EVERYONE new I did this cause afterall you know I was the "crazy" one. In his eyes my cutting my wrists was NOT his problem...this was NOT BECAUSE of him..this was all about how unstable I was. AMAZING. I still feel blood boiling when I think of how manipulative and lying he is. I NEVER did that before in my life and I never will again. I have never ever been so temporarily insane than with the ex although my son's dad pushed me over the edge in other ways at times...but I always had control...it was more of an internal suffering that he pulled with me regarding my son. I held it all in...felt helpless...

Both of these men SUCKED life out of me. The emotional drain was debilitating then and finally years later feeling like washed up Tenderheart on the floor in a heap of nothingness. Watching my son suffer to his fathers abuse...then having to watch my son get excited about his new step dad only to be broken hearted by him...then back to his dad and the abuse...and when I would go for help to the police..t.hey would always side with the dad thinking my son was a little bratty teen....when in fact his dad was manipulating and lying to the cops. He flat out lied about putting his hands on my sons neck!! He did the same to me one day and it was right in the middle of soccer parents after a game...I had a restraining order put on him for that day...and yet, the cops here didn't believe my son when he told him his dad put his hands on his neck. What a piece of crap that man was for lying...he should have been arrested and jailed!!! Now I'm rambling ...venting...it's just flowing here...and sorry....I'll stop.

About him "winning." I feel the same way. I have told myself that I am not going to let him WIN by having a crappy life after I can have any kind of life I want!! Hahahahaaa.....really, Tenderheart? Then why are you still feeling crappy, depressed, and have NO LIFE to speak of??? lol!! lol!! Did I let ex win here? I feel I have no control of my life. There are many reasons...and one of the big ones being NO MONEY. I have no extra money to have a life. I can't even drive a 45 minutes to spend time with my sister in law and brother when they want me to just drive down and spend time there...because of NO GAS in my car!! That's how bad it is. I also feel tired A LOT. I mean a LOT. I have a cruddy posture because I'm so tired all the time...dragging and yet...there was a time I wasn't this way.

I don't want ex to win...but in a way he has. He has a new wife and building a house...etc...etc.. his two boys are both in good solid relationships (so it appears). One just got married a year or so ago...the other is marrying this April or June or something. He is essentially feeling pretty powerful now because he thinks he's proven to everyone that HE is normal and I am not. I have NOTHING. If he KNEW what my life has been in the past 10 years...he'd laugh and say, "I told you Tenderheart...you should have obeyed me...God is punishing you for your disobedience..." Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! Makes me want to rip my hair out.

Ok. I'm done now.

Thank you so much for your story big girl. I am truly having a hard time of it all. :(

Tenderheart

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tenderheart

I do not know if this helps but I read niacin helps relieve depression.

I get to a point where I think I am good then you meet people that are divisive in life and you wonder if there problems will play into your past and make one bigger problem. I think what is different is that because I have open communication and a better understanding of myself. I am determined to not leave people with incorrect understandings and resolves. Even challenge them to be smarter in there thinking but studying laws and educating themselves to things that will change there understanding. I think what is different is that without that negative pull I can have a different outcome.

You need to believe you can have a victory in store for you at all times. I am not saying to live looking for revenge. Quite the opposite. You deserve all the blessing that you were granted to experience So do not let this bad leg of trauma kill your blessings. Even do not be afraid to tell people you have blessing around the corner and I can not wait to share them with you. The second something good happens share that with the people next to you. Keep a good news and blessing journal. Even if you have a day when you stand in awe of the beautiful place this world is. Write it in there. Read it when your depressed. One thing I learned is that I lived with chaos and emotional damage. It hurt the way I was. I carried it with me. If you think of the girl that grew up in the home with a al-right family she has good things to say. It shows. People respond to that. It makes them respond in positives. You need to feel that back. So if you share that stuff that is good around the corner you might have a dinner invite that will put you in the company of someone that can later be the missing link to inspire and move your son. You are a creative person with infinite ability's. I found that what is helping me was that my interest were to broad range. I just was not great in certain subjects. I have a lot of broad range knowledge. Because I never pinned exactly what I want to do. Shining bright was limited. I was shining broad beam and I need to look a tad farther down the street while driving. Help you son find his passion. Sound like he has grown but his aim is living not with focused passion. Hate to say it he is a adult so if he does not figure it out quick he will have to learn on his own after a while. I have met moms that tried helping there kids in there 30's and well they became enablers. He needs to take responsibility it is his own fate! No matter what the challenges no matter the trauma. We have to stand on our own two feet. Even kids with mental disorders learn to work and pay bills. It may not be the vision you had for him. Let him feel your love. Tell him to shine that he can do it and when he does one thing good tell him how that shows his strength. I will never forget when my mom said kind things it made me want to do them over and over again. We like to please our parents and make them feel proud we are their children. So you are this strength for him.

I do not feel a need to save my EX new spouse. From what I see she is buying it hook line and sinker. She is helping my EX even try to distance me from my son. I actually think she is quite manipulative herself. I do think my EX will have to obey for the rest of his life. I see her a dynamite wait to explode on me with her false self. I hope my healing has magnified by then so I will be able to roll that off and shine for my child. I keep building from the inside. I think once his inside are built the definitions will be in place and the story should make more sense. If he learns and gets it it means he can not be tricked in that area. So I am teaching him to think for himself. I hope it works. Been over coming Parental instantiation. It seems to be working. He is quite clueless to the withholding and can not understand the difficulties. I am showing him my house the phone is here. This works. This never breaks. You never get a what happened you get peace of mind we will fix it. It will be done quick not dragged out. When I go to a expert I have that person teach my child the laws and structure of life. He can see my paperwork and see truth. I am transparent for him to have ground.

Please do not commit suicide. My second dad did and well. So many people really missed him and were never the same. You do matter. When you get there your not in your right mind. Need to jolt your system and change the thinking. I have had those thoughts when I was really sick. They do not reflect your life. Only a wished to be loved and accepted for who and where you are. If your fearful you need to put one foot away from fear and then try it again. It only take three days to be in a better spot. 3 days makes a huge difference. :-)

((((Chavah))))

You're words are so tender and caring. Thank you

It is inspirational what you wrote. I find that in my mind I want to be better, do better, think bigger, take bigger strides and steps....but my physical body is just tired and wiped out I don't care so much anymore. I don't know why. I want to help others I want to be there for others..I want to make a mark that will stand out in this world...when I am gone I want to be known for my love, my care, my outreach...my tenderness...my compassion toward those who are neglected, feel unworthy...unloved...and lonely. I want to be the encouragement You see? In my mind...it is there...but the question is: "Can I do this? Can I be this person that I desire to be?"

I will not kill myself. No worries. I feel at times that I am not worth anything in this life anyway...but it's fleeting. I know there is a bigger purpose for me here and I just need to grab on, take hold and run with it...whatever that may be. There is fear...but I have to overcome that somehow.

You are right about my son. He needs to learn...and I can't enable him. I will help him in the way I know how to let him live with me as long as he contributes to some expenses and is saving money to buy a car and working on schooling. If he becomes 26 and is seeming to be wandering...I will have some other choices and thinking on how to handle.

Thank you so much for your reply Chavah...I appreciate you.

Tenderheart

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Becky

(((((((((Tenderheart))))))))) Nothing to add to what's already been said so I'll give you a big hug.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MorningGlory

Awe thanks gals ((((((((HUGS)))))))

Thanks for writing such a good description of the parental annihilation you lived with. I have been overcome my own type of it. My heart breaks that people can not put the issues down for the kids. I have given up heaps of retribution so my son can have a life. I am sure he will grasp that later. They part I am sure will be hard for him to see is when he graduates. There will be a since of liberation where I know my N EX H is setting up for. You can clearly read the writing on the wall. He may or may not be successful He is looking for any victory to explain away and be justified for his distances and hidden angers.

Tender-heart he has not won he has a relationship and all that because he takes what is not his and it has been easier to move on because he feels and carries no pain. The very pain you feel keeps you from finding new love at your door step. Men want to feel like the most important thing on this earth and so do we. We think we find someone that agrees to represent us this way and learn of there character in two years time. Then we have to work with that character in order tot try to see if we will show love to each other. Just like there are no guarantees you will be loved back. That is why one person can feel loved and the other unloved. The best thing to do is to know yourself and find someone that knows themselves. Share both of those ID's with each other and agree that in order to feel loved the other person has to love that person back the way they feel appreciated This is the advantage to finding someone that matches you. The hardest thing I had to do is learn who I am. My identity was smashed. I am still trying to figure it out. I have a better ideal and now when things come up I can teach that. I still have to be loving because I will not have all my needs met but I can have a more clear picture of love and understanding. I think what was done to me was unfair. I was forced to answer all that man's problems. It made me very aware and sensitive I have to work at turning that down so I can not be offended at the most minute things. It means he made me testy. Dang that does not help to be testy. So I think it has changed who I am and I have to learn the new me. Things fall of record quick and you can find another home. Success is not in achievements. You buying into his false picture again. He can paint that picture all he wants you know what is behind it. Didn't you feel alone when everyone thought you were on top. I did! I am building a real picture now. It has flaws but I have a lot of love and enjoyment behind everything. My things are well kept and clean. It may not be new but it has character or it has been appreciated. Let your flavour shine! You can give to yourself this time. You will not take from yourself and you will not damage yourself. Trust yourself. The new relationship you find will have to account to this. You will not give away yourself this time around. You will always keep a piece of your independence You can always go out with friends as long as it is convenient in time he should have no objections. You are stronger not weak claim it. I bought my first car in 4 years. I am very happy to say I have been sharing a car for that long. Because my EX did not pay what he said he would. He has decided to buy a house this year even have it build for himself. Yet he accuses me of much. I can no longer be bothered by this mans greed. If my son chose not to see how selfish that is then he would be lying to himself. I can say I am rebuilding at a much slower rate. I am successful. I am building at a pace more comfortable to me. I would not want to throw all this bling around and find out I build shallow. If what I am building falls apart I will be better this time because I am not giving myself up. I can love without losing myself this is what I am learning. :cheeky-smiley-005:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tenderheart

Awe thanks gals ((((((((HUGS)))))))

Thanks for writing such a good description of the parental annihilation you lived with. I have been overcome my own type of it. My heart breaks that people can not put the issues down for the kids. I have given up heaps of retribution so my son can have a life. I am sure he will grasp that later. They part I am sure will be hard for him to see is when he graduates. There will be a since of liberation where I know my N EX H is setting up for. You can clearly read the writing on the wall. He may or may not be successful He is looking for any victory to explain away and be justified for his distances and hidden angers.

Tender-heart he has not won he has a relationship and all that because he takes what is not his and it has been easier to move on because he feels and carries no pain. The very pain you feel keeps you from finding new love at your door step. Men want to feel like the most important thing on this earth and so do we. We think we find someone that agrees to represent us this way and learn of there character in two years time. Then we have to work with that character in order tot try to see if we will show love to each other. Just like there are no guarantees you will be loved back. That is why one person can feel loved and the other unloved. The best thing to do is to know yourself and find someone that knows themselves. Share both of those ID's with each other and agree that in order to feel loved the other person has to love that person back the way they feel appreciated This is the advantage to finding someone that matches you. The hardest thing I had to do is learn who I am. My identity was smashed. I am still trying to figure it out. I have a better ideal and now when things come up I can teach that. I still have to be loving because I will not have all my needs met but I can have a more clear picture of love and understanding. I think what was done to me was unfair. I was forced to answer all that man's problems. It made me very aware and sensitive I have to work at turning that down so I can not be offended at the most minute things. It means he made me testy. Dang that does not help to be testy. So I think it has changed who I am and I have to learn the new me. Things fall of record quick and you can find another home. Success is not in achievements. You buying into his false picture again. He can paint that picture all he wants you know what is behind it. Didn't you feel alone when everyone thought you were on top. I did! I am building a real picture now. It has flaws but I have a lot of love and enjoyment behind everything. My things are well kept and clean. It may not be new but it has character or it has been appreciated. Let your flavour shine! You can give to yourself this time. You will not take from yourself and you will not damage yourself. Trust yourself. The new relationship you find will have to account to this. You will not give away yourself this time around. You will always keep a piece of your independence You can always go out with friends as long as it is convenient in time he should have no objections. You are stronger not weak claim it. I bought my first car in 4 years. I am very happy to say I have been sharing a car for that long. Because my EX did not pay what he said he would. He has decided to buy a house this year even have it build for himself. Yet he accuses me of much. I can no longer be bothered by this mans greed. If my son chose not to see how selfish that is then he would be lying to himself. I can say I am rebuilding at a much slower rate. I am successful. I am building at a pace more comfortable to me. I would not want to throw all this bling around and find out I build shallow. If what I am building falls apart I will be better this time because I am not giving myself up. I can love without losing myself this is what I am learning. :cheeky-smiley-005:

Hello Chavah...

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to your replies right away. I check in here periodically...so bear with me.

Thank you for your words, thoughts, and direction. It helps. All of it is new information that I can think on and work with if I so choose. I am grateful for that.

I know money isn't everything, it is my faith that carries me...however, with the financial difficulties that are always constant...just don't make lot of money, living pay check to pay check, don't have an emergency fund...once I'm out I'm out and always trying to figure out how I'm going to pay one last bill or put some gas in my car. Just barely making it and I'm old enough that I shouldn't be in this position and should have savings and at least my own small home. My dream is to have a place and make it my own. I have that in this apartment...but I would like a house...small, updated, mine. But the money is not there and likely may never be there. I will try to shoot for that...but long way off I think...if ever.

I am slow too. I wasn't in my abusive marriage as long as you but I feel it's effect on me has been powerfully damaging to my soul, my mind, my spirit, my body.Having said that...I take into account the other man that was abusive to me and that is my son's dad (who is not my abusive ex) but is very very abusive verbally and physically but mostly verbal. He is a crazed man who could almost be my ex's twin. Every time I think one is worse than the other I stop and realize that they are equally horrible men. Now...my son has some issues too. My son had me as his rock his whole childhood...but his dad (not my ex) was so abusive and caused so much pain in my son that my son has anger. My son has the faith I have too...but not as strong...and he has ups and downs just like the rest of us in life and in faith. When my son is not close with his walk with the Lord...he slowly takes that same edge his dad has....the mocking, the scoffing, the "talking over" me when I try to speak. He mimics and acts immature..that is just like his father. When I try to speak gently to him with a calm voice....which I make conscious effort every time because I don't believe in yelling or fighting...my son will accuse me of "freaking out..." That to me is crazy making. I asked my son today that when I ask him a question and he doesn't like what I'm asking...does he consider that "freaking out..?" He said, "Yes..." I said then what do you think when someone raises their voice and is upset? He said he sees that as psychotic. ??????????????? :blink: Also, I am not sure he was serious...he may have been just messing with my head...but that is another tactic that is mentally abusive. I fear so so much that my son won't change before he some day meets a girl. My son said he would never treat his girl or wife bad..and I had to explain to him that however he is treating me (since I am closest to him) is how he will ultimately treat his woman or wife one day unless he learns how to communicate, talk...take turns, listen and have an understanding heart. He scoffed at me. Thinks I just like to move my mouth. That is another thing his dad would say. And it's so insane.

I love my son so much. He was this little precious baby...a toddler, little boy, teenager and now young man...and I loved him then and love him now. I tried so so hard to help him NOT become like his dad and many times explained to him that he has to rise above his own dad and be better. He knows that...but not sure if he knows how. But how can he NOT know how to be better? My son's dad made him so very insecure...and it saddens me so much because he has so much potential. They tease him and mock him too...and my son lives with me and does the same to me at times...and makes me angry when he does it when I'm trying to be serious and teach him something.

I want him to move out but I don't want him to move out when he's not prepared. He is 20...still trying to save for a car...and he really needs to be on his own. He has to try and find a career...which we talk about at times.

My son and I have a much better relationship than we did when he was in high school...but that is because he was with his dad a lot more. It took a good year or so for my son to not be constantly on the defense and angry. He rebelled by drinking a LOT and actually made himself medically sick now...not life threatening..but has a condition that was triggered by the drinking and taking ibuprofen every day. But as good as it can be now with us..we talk, have really good conversations...but when he seems unfocused and lost...he's touchy and always defensive..he says hurtful things and never seems to care...he continues to take no responsibility for my heart hurting when he says mean or hurtful words. It's so upsetting to me. I'm miserable right now.. and yet he told me if something ever happened to me he'd want to die too. How can someone love you so much and yet disregard everything about you and what you say and do or them?

Anyway...sorry to go on about me. I think my road is crumbling because the abuse has been life-long between my son's dad, my ex, and unfortunately, now my son. I told my son how NOT to be like his dad and my ex...but he just doesn't seem to get it or care to really really THINK hard about what I'm saying...it's so painful because I love my son so much. just venting here.

Please don't get the wrong idea about my son. He is a good hearted young man. When he was a little child...his natural demeanor was sweet. He was gentle...caring, loving and such a good little boy. It was the ugliness of his fathers abuse that formed the learned way of life that has helped him to be more like his dad than like who he really is. He can choose to be who he wants...but his mind is so unfocused right now and he has to mature and figure out what his purpose is here and strive for those goals which should include patience, kindness, self control...love...etc....

Thank you for listening.

Tenderheart

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×