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HanginOn

My Husband had me arrested

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Edelweiss

"Embrace them"?!!! I don't know how I could ever do that. I can't even accept this... I can't stop fighting it.. And yet, what is there to fight? I can't change what happened. But if I stop fighting it and accept it... I feel like that will be the time when I give in to utter defeat.. and the despair of THAT will be too much and that will be when I truly DO give up... and take that bottle of pills.

Edelweiss... I don't know how to get from where I am now -- to where YOU are (accepting and living life with your "new labels"). I don't think I can do it. I don't think I want to do it.

Let me see if I can logically step through the steps I went through. But please remember, MOST of this happened to me a year and a half ago, although more happened to me last September that I've only ever discussed via PM with a few members here.

Most of my "acceptance" of my "new labels" occurred last year. And I've been mostly free of his defining of my life since then. I think it's easier to move on when I took control of my own future.

BUT a HUGE part of MY problem was my pride and where I placed value on myself. These labels, are rather shallow definitions of who we are. So WHO REALLY CARES about our interactions with the law? Who REALLY cares if we've become DV victims? Who is it that is judging us? And what about that label is a problem?

Part of MY problem was my pride. I felt I couldn't look people in the eye anymore. I felt I lost credibility to my family, my friends, my coworkers. I felt I couldn't walk around in public anymore or speak with any authority on the subject because this had happened to me. This was my pride. I now had these unwanted labels and I felt the destroyed my value, and my reputation.

But do they REALLY? One thing I have to constantly remind myself of is: "Do my FEELINGS fit the FACTS?" I often feel as though I should just give up because I got a C+, or I should just QUIT because I wrecked my car for the third time this year and I'm SO HUMILIATED by my failure and I just think it's not worth it anymore. I'm like literally teetering on suicidal because I totaled my car. But do my FEELINGS fit the FACTS of the matter? These are relatively SHALLOW labels. My pride is damaged yes. But is worth giving up an entire future because I now have this label I didn't want?

Really? And especially in THIS scenario, H'On, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT YOUR CHOICE.

But yes. Yes it did happen.

But because he's claimed a moment in your past, you're just going to surrender to him your entire future? You're going to allow him to take the infinity of possible moments from you? Surrender now? Or re-adjust your perspective of who you are now, and who YOU CAN BE!!!

Did your entire life's value begin and end with "Not having a criminal record" ??? Did my entire life's value begin and end with "Not being a victim of rape and domestic violence" ? Did my relationship with HIM define WHO I AM??? Did HIS abusive parenting of my children define MY value as a mother?

Re-assess the FACTS. And realize that how you FEEL about the facts, are not always how the facts actually ARE.

So I might FEEL like it's the "end of the world" that I wrecked my car or got a C+ my first semester. But is it really? Or are there a LOT of successful and happy people out there, with infinite possibilities for the future who have both gotten worse grades than a C+ and made worse mistakes than running a red light.

How I emotionally reacted to those situations did NOT fit those facts.

Try to look at WHO you are MENTALLY allowing to define you right now. WHOSE definition of who you are , are you going to let define your future?

I can tell you, just by reading this incredibly intelligent discourse on here and seeing you bleed through your words on here, that you are a beautiful soul. You are gifted, you are brilliant, and you have a heart that this world should not lose. Your value is infinite, your future can be bright. It will be hard to see right now, but I know it is true. You ARE NOT "that" person. But you are "a" person, who has experienced horrible and frightening things. But you are a PRECIOUS person, and your VALUE as a person FAR SURPASSES a few negative labels.

One day, I believe you will be able to GRAB those labels, and OWN THEM like a queen. And even be PROUD of the person you've become despite those labels.

Most of my labels I feel I can now "own". This is actually the first thread time I've mentioned the rape. And it's been 7 or 8 months. But even here, among women who I consider my "e-sisters" I was too ashamed to mention the rape that I felt I "allowed" to happen even after all I knew. I made ANOTHER mistake and put myself in danger. I was too ashamed. I talked to two members of this forum, but that's it. I didn't want to state it outloud. Some of my other "labels" are in the private sections. But I'm learning to take those labels and make them my OWN, even though HE is the one gave them to me. I'm taking back and OWNING my past and I'm taking control and OWNING my future. I'm only now learning to OWN them in the real world outside of this location. And I'm learning not to be ashamed of who I am to my classmates, my coworkers, my professor and my friends.

One day at a time, I OWN myself a little more. I define WHO I WANT TO BE a little more every day. I learn not to be ashamed of who I was, and who I am, and who I will become. I want to be a person who loves who she is and chooses her own future. Because my kids need a mommy who isn't ashamed of who she is.

Anyways-sorry to ramble. I hope something might help. Don't forget to NOT judge yourself for not being fixed instantaneously overnight. I found when I was angry at myself and hated myself for "not healing fast enough" I was actually hindering the healing process. :) Don't do that! Take your time, and give yourself some space. But remember you are precious, and your value is distinct and separate from your labels.

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HanginOn

Edelweiss, Once again, thank you. Some of your words are really getting through to me.. but some of them - I guess I'm not ready for yet. But I think I may be some day. I will take Shawnee's advice and copy and save these two posts. I feel like what I really needed to hear, and SEE - is in there somewhere, but I think my current anger and grief is blocking my understanding a bit.

What I said about my friends, feeling abandoned, has made this so much harder. Their reason for pulling out of my life was that, after jail - and the restraining order was lifted, I went back home... and they said they could not support me in my decision to place myself back in an abusive situation. It was too hard for them to continue to walk through that with me. Although I understood, (I think), it broke my heart.. and still does. I miss them - and need them. One does not simply pick up a couple of new close friends... who you can't bear your soul to,, and who can encourage you to keep thinking right. And though I know their reasons, it has been hard to keep my thoughts from drifting to the idea that maybe it's because of who I am now, what happened and that they no longer want to be associated with me because of it. I know this is probably all in my head and not reality.. but it's hard. And my thinking gets distorted and starts to spiral down when I become so isolated. That is one of many good things about this forum. Percolate said something awhile back to the effect of "we can't replace your friends, but we're here for you." Well, I do consider you guys my friends -- it's just a little different.

Well, I got a little off track.. but where I was headed was... I had an EMDR appointment this morning. And I'm very frustrated. My therapist says that she simply cannot put me at risk by continuing (haven't got to the meat of things yet) when she feels that I am not equipped well enough yet and not stable enough. Part of her reasoning is that I do not have the support around me that she thinks is necessary. This is further complicated, she says, by the fact that I am living in a "volatile" and difficult marriage relationship. She wants to put a "hold" on the EMDR and wants us to see a marriage counselor for a while with the intent of stabilizing things a bit and maybe setting some "ground rules." She know's the counselor I have in mind and said he is very good and has experience with abusive relationships. She said THAT or leave.. live apart. But leaving isn't an option right now.

So I'm frustrated. Part of my not being able to start healing from this.. and as many of you have said - having a better perspective on things, is the PSTD problems that I'm having. The nightmares, panic attacks (and my altering my daily life/schedule for fear of panic attacks) and the painful flashbacks in certain situations... They don't seem to be getting any better. I've been told that EMDR is very effective for these kinds of things. I want to do this.. I don't want to wait.. I want these problems to stop.

O.K. My brain has turned to mush, now and I don't think I'm making much sense.. And I was going to make a point, but I lost it.

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HanginOn

What a horrible night.

Why do I try to get him to understand?

HOW could he really BELIEVE that I DESERVED what he did to me. How could he NOT see what he did as WRONG? Why did I even GO there with him again? I've just made things worse again.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't do EMDR. I (we) can't do marriage counseling like the EMDR therapist wants (not that it would do any good). I will continue to experience PTSD problems for, how long??? Indefinitely??? I don't know what to do now. I was SO hoping for some relief from the nightmares & panic attacks, etc..

And I've lost my closet friends. That just make EVERYTHING harder.

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MorningGlory

OMGosh~ How did you lose your closest friend?

I know I had so many problems when I was at my worst. People will not be able to see it fully. The manipulative person project differently on people that are not the victim or scapegoat. My Ex would treat me horrible then in the most tender and sincerness connect to others. He would not connect to his wife that way. It was quite the opposite. It was not a bad year either he was quite consistent in his actions. You need friends. Like I need friends. I was so stressed I developed serious fibromyalgia. Then he completely was absent. He doubled my workload. I had a baby and I was suffering in pain. Zero emotional support and a man trying to make me look like a dependant personality. He is so confusing I find if I even try to relate the story to other I sound like a confusing scratched up backwards playing broken record. It is almost like I have to just live it. It makes you feel like you're going insane. When you take the facts you see that action is going one way while he is going another and you have what the world is doing and trying to relate that to the people near you. To many area pulling me and nothing was sound. I needed a safe sound place he would not even listen to what he was doing to me.

I am tired of people that say they are my friends and do not inquire to my feelings like you are not human. I work really hard to communicate and talk to others.

I feel like the emotional chaos I lived yanked me clean out of the matrix. Almost like the abuse trusted me out. I feel like the world has been living and moving and I am on the outside.

I do believe what you wrote was the healthy thing you have written yet:

HOW could he really BELIEVE that I DESERVED what he did to me. How could he NOT see what he did as WRONG? Why did I even GO there with him again? I've just made things worse again.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't do EMDR. I (we) can't do marriage counseling like the EMDR therapist wants (not that it would do any good). I will continue to experience PTSD problems for, how long??? Indefinitely??? I don't know what to do now. I was SO hoping for some relief from the nightmares & panic attacks, etc..

Why do you think you made it worse? I think that is the blame statement coming back. Like my assigned role was to be the blame. It is that way because it happened and it is an experience If you love your mate you live life with them you understand that when you hurt them you hurt yourself. He has no comprehension of this because he doesn't see it this way. He sees himself and how he feels it is the only world he has shown that he is open too! He operates according to his function with his goals in mind and his internal consciousness is not concerned with you and how you feel. It is his core beliefs and ideals that shape those actions.

My Ex would not confirm me. He would not validate me. He would not include me in daily life. He would travel and leave me home. He was gaining in knowledge and life experience I was left in his abusive chaos. He was emotionally shutting me down and I was not growing. I would try to shine and was losing more and more of myself.

It was that one day it hit me I sat there and ran all the scenarios I took every angle and did a what if I we did this what would my life look like what are the effects that could backfire for me. When I did that I saw that he was either going to get more and more aggressive. That I might be accused of emotional instability that I know was not in my heart. That he could leave me unprepared. That I would become like him and still could lose it all. It was not a pretty picture. I saw I would have to lie to everyone around me to uphold that picture of the old school arrogance he represented. I saw it was my job to fall to make him great that he would never let me succeed I saw he did not see the same vision of me being successful It was only about him making it and me following him.

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Tallulah

What a horrible night.

Why do I try to get him to understand?

HOW could he really BELIEVE that I DESERVED what he did to me. How could he NOT see what he did as WRONG? Why did I even GO there him again? I've just made things worse again.

You didn't make things worse, H'On. Things just haven't changed and won't UNTIL you accept the FACT that you're married to an @$$clown. He's an @sshole, H'On. A world class @sshole.

After my X had me arrested he was trying to make up with me. I just pushed him away (and, yeah, he could've had me arrested again for that 'assault'.... haha) and said to him, "Don't you get it??? You DON'T get to HAVE ME!"

Even if he had said he was sorry I KNEW it was something he totally thought was a good idea to do. It's GREAT leverage in divorce court. Believe me. He never did say to me that he was sorry but he did say, "God, I sure fvcked up this marriage." And I thought to myself, yep, ya sure did.

Tal

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Quaddie

He may believe it, or he may not. But there two aspects to that:

1. it doesn't matter to him if you "deserved" it or not. It was a manipulative tactic. It was a CONTROL tactic. And ALL his words about it, are also control tactics. He wants you to feel badly about yourself, and to blame yourself. That way he is better able to control you, and you are less likely to leave him.

2. He doesn't really see "you" - who you are, as an individual, uniquely you. So any "judgments"he might make of you are not valid or grounded in the reality of who you are.

As long as you are still in the situation which formed your ptsd, you can't really heal from it.

You are not what he is trying to make you think you are. It's a form of brainwashing. He is doing this to you.

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rainbow

PTSD won't go until you get out of your abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is just like being in a concentration camp, you get brainwashed, your sense of self diminishes, PTSD preveals. Every women in long term abusive relationships suffers PTSD.

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HanginOn

PTSD won't go until you get out of your abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is just like being in a concentration camp, you get brainwashed, your sense of self diminishes, PTSD preveals. Every women in long term abusive relationships suffers PTSD.

Rainbow: That is not necessarily true. In my situation, all of my PTSD is centered around one specific event (or closely related events) that happened on one specific night. A part of it happened here, in my home but most of the triggering events took place at the police station and jail. My EMDR therapist knows my situation and believes that I CAN be helped where I'm at. The main problem is my being in a strong enough frame of mind to be able to go through the therapy. I don't have the energy to try to explain more than that, but my therapist is very experienced (with abusive situations also) and I trust her. But obviously, the situation COULD be better.

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Quaddie

Living.with the perpetrator, and under an ever-present threat that it could happen again... Those are important parts of the scenario as well.

I think you shouldn't be hard on yourself by expecting what may not be feasible... To me, I think focusing on that might even be creating a distraction from the underlying situation.... But focusing on the ptsd in your situation, I fear, puts you into a.catch-22, so to speak.... It puts all the "burden" onto you - to "heal" in what may not be a realistic expectation... :(

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HanginOn

Living.with the perpetrator, and under an ever-present threat that it could happen again... Those are important parts of the scenario as well.

This is very true. At this moment I am just now coming off of a really bad panic attack that started when I was down in the office working on a bid with my H. He was standing with the phone just where he was when he started to call the police that night. I ran up the stairs (just as I did that night) and it hit me at the top of the stairs. I felt that pain in the middle of my chest. That stab of pain that quickly grows, turning into a large mass of fear, anguish and anxiety that feels so heavy that I can't get air into my lungs.

He was up here (in my room) a little bit ago genuinely trying to comfort me. This situation is just too confusing to deal with. And my depression is so severe right now that its hard to make any decisions (or even function).

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dawnofperfectday

PTSD won't go until you get out of your abusive relationship. Being in an abusive relationship is just like being in a concentration camp, you get brainwashed, your sense of self diminishes, PTSD preveals. Every women in long term abusive relationships suffers PTSD.

True in my case. It is unbearable. The moment when you realize...it's awful. That is has all been fake. I pasted on the smiles...oh, God.

You are correct rainbow. Sense of self diminishes. It is like a concentration camp.

I look forward to our divorce. I just hope it happens quickly. Just finally had the deposition. We are separated but living together and I can't help but feel I will know a similar experience to hanginon's as well. They will stop at nothing. Lies. Provocation. Whatever it will take.

To HanginOn, I do hope everything works out for you and your family. No one deserves these people that choose to treat us this way. And...why???? Why do they do this?

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MorningGlory

A good trick to panic attacks to break them.

COUGH Pretend to clear your throat. The coughing makes the heart beat or something to do with the muscle and I understands it restores the rhythm somehow. They reccomend this for heart attacks to break it why not panic attacks.

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HanginOn

Made in through another day. That's about all I can say. That's what my life is now...

Just getting through.

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HanginOn

I'm in such a dark place. Feel's like I'll never see the light of day again.

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Buzzkitty1

it is a dark place, H'On. The light is much brighter on the other side.

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Tallulah

H'On~

What is your opinion of your H with regard to him having you arrested? What do you think of him from an objective stand point?

What was the reason he took your cell phone from you on Christmas? I can't come up with any good reason for it whatsoever other than he wanted to punish you like a child.

Tal

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MorningGlory

Waking up is painful. At first I was in disbelief and felt I was losing my mind. I was not able to process what I was feeling because I had to stay so focused on leaving and coming out with something left in tact. Then I felt stupid and robbed. I think I am starting to process anger now. Walking around I was involved in group activities and having fun. I started to feel very pissed off. I was realizing that I missed out on so much life and was seeing what was really stolen from me. Life is not always horrific and complicated filled with drama. Having to be focused on all that garbage all the time striped my moments of the human qualities. The joys and victories of being with a loving person of have people around you that respect you. The emotional chaos he was able to feel those victories but I was not able. He took the spotlight and the compliments centered it all off him. Gosh to experience things and feel is a beautiful thing.

For your EX taking the cell phone away if it were me I would be so hurt. I will feel like my husband was trying to be my bad daddy. I would feel controlled and disrespected. I would not feel like a equal. The insecurity would discourage me from talking and it would intimidate me. That intimidation would make me feel even more separation which would affect my ability and unity. I really do not see any reason to do what he did other to gain control and unequal balance. Could there be more situations that he has applied this same principle to but it looks a little different or has a different flare but has the same bad daddy mentality behind it? Does he do that with the finances, events, family, or tradespeople? I will do this but you have to be here first. Conditions and invisible requirements before participation while maintaining an outside stance.

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HanginOn

Tal & Chavah -- You are both right. But I can neither answer your questions right now or talk (write) about it. I just can't. I don't have the emotional energy. And I can't afford to get too upset right now... or angry. Anger without action is futile and frustrating - and I am unable to take any action right now. All I can focus on right now is getting through the next hour (and then the next, and then the next) I never thought I could ever find myself in such a state of... I don't even know what to call it. And yes, I am getting "help." I am (and have been) in close contact with both my doctor and counselor. And I am now in a semi-separated situation from my H right now (too hard to explain it further).

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Shawnee

(((HangingOn))) I'm really glad you're working closely with your doctor and your counselor. I really do think you need to get your general mental state into a better place before you can even think about doing anything else. Please make sure your doctor knows how bleak your outlook is. I still think you would benefit from in-patient services for a time, but as long as your doctor is fully aware of your state of mind, I'm sure s/he knows best how to handle it. But please just keep contacting them to update them so they know and don't try to sugar-coat anything. Once your mental state gets better stabilized, you will be much better able to figure out where to go from here. But until then, it is just asking too much. (((Hugs)))

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MorningGlory

You're doing great I moved myself out of the main bedroom and into the bedroom next to my child. I should have taken the main room when I did but my mentality was to be near my child. To be able to talk to my child as much as possible and be there for his needs. The thoughts I keep in my mind was if my head was swirling there was bull snot a foot. You're doing great remember you're not creating this. It was a long time in the making it is what has happened because of many situation piling up on each other. There was a day I woke up and realized my life would never be the same. At the end of this come out with yourself and your morals. Keep your identity intact. Start photocopying all your paperwork and create a filing cabinet in a safe place. Every document you will ever need to do taxes and sell things and prove yourself incase he decides to spend his life continuing in his behaviour. I found drink for two being bought in hotels on bills. Even if you have evidence it is not always evidence. They talk their way out of it. So it is more important to preserve yourself and area's of your life rather than convince others of his crimes. I thought I learned who my friends were when I was ill. My friends dropped like fly's. When you get a divorce what is shock the spiritual connections will drop you like fly's. It was sobering. I have such compassion for big issues now. This will either make you compassionate or bitter. Aim for compassionate. Not for him though. He has lost that compassion. It is not something you can clear up in words. Keep your course. When you set up a second place to put your things then you will be feeling safer. Copies of all major documents out of the house. My EX even locked up my birth certificate and passport and licence. I had to locate the gun safe keys which were hidden well. Open it and remove them. He figured it out and if he asked I said. I did not take anything why would you think of accusing you of hiding them. Why would you hide my documents don't you trust me? I had to reverse the logic. It made him think when he had to think it stumped him. It might of been the first time he knew how I felt. HUNTED Keep telling yourself this. You never know what you can accomplish until you do not have a option. Then tell yourself mentally: Once this is all said and done I promise I will allow myself to sink in a tub of bubble love myself and cry. Then stop crying and just feel again. Allow your self that down time. Once it is over you will have that day. Hope is essential allow yourself to fill hope it is yours.

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Tallulah

Anger without action is futile and frustrating.....

I disagree. Anger is your friend. Especially now and especially since you can't act on it. It's not important or necessary that you act on it. What's important is that you PROCESS it. Depression is anger turned inward. You need to let that depression come to fruition as the emotion is really is. RAGE. You need to embrace that rage.

Tal

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eidi16

I know this is an old thread but if you HanginOn is still on here, may I ask you how it all ended? I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. I was a stay-at-home mom with our young son when one evening during an argument my husband who had been consuming large amounts of alcohol  called the police and had me arrested. I did not touch my husband or do anything illegal whatsoever. I am 5'3, 91 lbs, he is 6'0, 200 lbs. I overheard him mentioning to them that his relative was a state trooper. I was arrested, the two male officers watched while I was changing from pajama to regular clothes before being hand-cuffed and going to jail where I spent the most  horrifying night of my life. The morning after I was charged in court but released and my husband picked me up The months to follow were a nightmare of stress finding lawyers, find out the possible consequences and processing the trauma. I received pretrial probation and the case was dismissed but I relive the experience of the arrest and humiliation every day. My husband gets upset if I ever bring up the incidence directly or indirectly but I am undeniable holding a grudge towards him. He claims that he did not know that the call he made would have caused a permanent criminal record etc.

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Bennu

Good grief, eidi16, You are still with this horrible person?

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HanginOn

eidi16  -  Found your post on my phone (email) today.  It was a bit of a shock since I had completely forgotten about this forum -- or my posts.  And I've wanted to forget everything about what happened to me and why I posted here in the 1st place.  I've tried.  And I've done pretty well at it.. but it just won't go away.  My PTSD is so much better these days, but I still get triggered from time to time ('bout 3x a week).  And boy was your post/email a trigger for me today.  But that's o.k.  I am still, however, thinking about just how I should respond.  I want to respond in a healthy, helpful way.. And not let the anger that wells up in me from just reading your post get the best of me (or the anxiety that this causes in me).  So I will give this some thought.  It may take me a few days.  But I will respond.

And to any of you out there who remember me.. and were so helpful to me.. Eidelweiss, Grabforjoy, Bink, percolate,big girl, and others.. -- I don't know if you are still on here, but if you are I want to tell you that..  I've made it to the other side.  I am doing wonderful.  I'm in a place mentally,emotionally, spriitually, financially, that I never thought it would ever be possible for me to be in.  I am happy.  

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Quaddie

I'm glad to hear that, Hangin.

 

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