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HanginOn

My Husband had me arrested

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HanginOn

This is my first post. I spent Christmas eve in Jail! It was the most horrible, frightening, humiliating experience of my life. I've never been in any kind of trouble before... I'd never even been to a police station or jail for any reason -- and I've been a wreck ever since. Can't sleep, can't focus to work, cry all the time, I even fall apart just having a police car pull up next to me at an intersection. So what happened? My husband who has verbally abused me for 10+ years had turned my cell phone service off because I didn't clean-up the bedroom like he asked (this is how he punishes our kids for not doing their chores). Now some background... I've been clinically depressed for several years. In the last 6 months it had been getting a lot worse. Just before Christmas I was taken off one medication that I had reacted negatively with and had just started a new med but was not doing well at all. That night when I confronted my husband and he refused to turn my phone back on I LOST IT. I grabbed him around the neck and shook him while I yelled "I hate you!" a couple times. I was SO shocked (and so was my husband). I have NEVER done ANYTHING like that EVER. I've NEVER been violent. I HATE violence. I hate seeing it around me, or watching it on t.v. and violence of any kind is NOT ACCEPTABLE in my home. That just was not like me at all. I know it was wrong, but I also know that my deteriorating emotional/mental condition along with the med changes had to have something to do with it. BUT... my husband said he was going to call the police. I BEGGED him not to. I told him I was sorry and that we could work through this. It lasted about 3 seconds.. I didn't hurt him, he was in no danger, and he was not afraid. But with one phone call he just about destroyed me.

I have been charged with harassment/domestic violence. This is so horribly ironic. HE is the victim. I am the criminal. I've been verbally abused by him for years. There were times when I could have call the police and had him arrested (no serious physical abuse but still stuff that would have qualified). But I never wanted to do that - not to him or our family. We run a business together as well. But HE obviously didn't think of those things. He says he regrets it now, but that doesn't change the charges against me or what I went through (Christmas eve in jail and then Christmas day along with the following week separated from my kids/home because of the mandatory NO-Contact Order!

My husband wants to get the charges dropped and has an appt with the D.A. (I've heard this is hard to do in colorado, though). He is also cooperating with my lawyer. But I am so angry. I've alway tried to be a good person. I've never been in trouble. And now they want to take away some of my rights and mark me a dangerous person for the rest of my life. If I'm convicted I won't even be able to volunteer at my child's school anymore. It makes me so angry and the process, for me, is so confusing and scary and humiliating. I'll come away from a conversation with my lawyer or from making my mandatory "check-in" call with my "Pre-trial supervisor" and I get so low and discouraged that I just want to die.

So what's my point? I don't know anymore. Just to vent maybe. And I know this is WAY TO LONG A POST. To anyone who actually takes the time to read this through... Thank you.

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percolate

(((HanginOn)))

You are not the first person who's snapped after being abused for a number of years.

Call your domestic violence center for support-they will know how the court system works in your area and may be able to give you some advice.

Talk to your lawyer about perhaps having your doctor document that he was changing your medications and you'd been having some adverse reactions to meds when the incident occurred. He may also be able to tell you lawyer of prior abuse.

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moongoddess

AWWW sweetie, welcome to OP, I am glad you found us but so so sorry for what you are going through.

You are not the first woman here who has been charged with DV despite being the victim.

READ as much as you can here, and please do continue to share........

It is also not uncommon for those of us living with perpetual abuse to be clinically depressed......sometimes the depression is more situational than chemical.........just something to consider.

And as Percolate has suggested, call your local DV centre for support, the people there are well versed in the court system, domestic violence and how best to support you during this time of crises.

Also, I suspect he called the police to PUNISH you for your behaviour......another common behaviour of abusers.

*HUGS*

MG

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Bink

You absolutely are not alone. Our Place member "Grabforjoy" has a horrible story of her own, verbally abused for years and years, and she snapped about like you did. Hopefully you know how to search by a member's posts, I really should be SLEEPING right now but saw this new post and couldn't not respond.

How many of us have resisted calling the police because we didn't want our abuser to lose his job or his reputation? What you describe is one of the worst consequence of putting up with abuse for years, except for the gals doing hard time for murdering their abuser. Another horrible consequence is clinical depression. Any scenario you can come up with, the rage we end up developing is a testament to our self control that the sonofayouknowwhat isn't knocked off. And then you and Grabforjoy has your life turned upside down in the blinking of an eye.

How many times did I lose it and strike back out at ATM (my ex abuser)? Physically, twice. He was taunting and yelling, and was an inch from my face. I slapped him (then he choked me for a few seconds). The second time I threw a saucepan at him and it hit him in the leg. I guess what he did to deserve either of those doesn't justify abusing him back, but in those situations, exactly WHO is engaged with their higher moral reasoning :7: ? Either time, especially the last time, my donkey would have been in jail with all the predictable charges. I'm an RN, and would have lost my license. There were so many reasons for me TO lose my license simply by staying with him it boggles the mind (he is a severe drug addict, impulsive, probably mentally ill too . . . the stuff I looked the "other way" on . . .). I'm saying this because I can almost hear you wondering what kind of idiot you've been to stay with him. EVERYONE on this board stayed. And a huge percentage are dam lucky the abusive idiot didn't call the cops on us because a huge percentage of us just LOSE IT.

Welcome to Our Place, it's terrible to end up here but back when I joined in this community in 2007 (we've since moved) these folks saved my sanity. My story is linked below. And DO read the stories here, google search verbal abuse. There are several books people here recommend; the one that pops into my head is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Turning off your phone for ANY punitive reason tells me and the rest of us that what ELSE you've had to put up with from him, not to mention your kid(s), has been humiliating. Only due to luck on his part and strength on yours did the poor wittle fella have to endure a woman's hands around his neck, as frustrating, humiliating and despairing as you must be feeling.

Get yourself some help and education, so that you know you aren't alone, you have nothing to be ashamed of (in the greater context of things :) ). We are here for you, post your face off here, nothing is too stupid or too long LOL, I ramble on forever and so far, so good :)

Bink

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HanginOn

Thank you Percolate, Moongoddes & Bink,

I did call our local dv organization, but It was the week right after jail and I was still not allowed home yet. The stress of that time has pretty much wiped out any memory I had of that conversation. I will be calling back though. It feels so weird contacting them for help as now I am "an abuser."

I do believe my lawyer will try to use my depression and med changes in my defense, but we haven't talked in depth yet about it - not knowing yet what's going to take place and what he's going to try to do has me very anxious. I meet w/him later today though, so I'm hoping that will help. I am almost certain that not even a hint of my husband's verbal abuse will be brought up in this case. My H does want this to be dropped and says he will say whatever the lawyer thinks is best. H does know/believe that this was NOT like me at all and that my emotional/mental state and the med changes must of had something to do with it. Making H angry and bringing up the abuse would be like shooting myself in the foot right now. -- So on THAT... I will wait.

And Bink... I WOULD like to look up Grabforjoy's story. Haven't figured out how to do that yet. And I picked up that book.

Thanks.

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Vicky

Hanging, I wasnt beat by my abuser, it was a lot of mental head stuff. Mine threatened to call the police on me once, he was pinning me down and I hit his arm trying to get loose, he stood up and told me I was abusive and held the phone. I remember crying and pleading and he just stood there using it as a control game. He did not call, but it scared me.

When I began attending the local DV group in my area, the first meeting I went to was to watch a movie, it was on women who killed their husbands.

The idea of the film was all of these women were in jail today, but they endured abuse for a long time and snapped, they relived the stories of when they couldnt take it anymore, and they killed their husbands.

This is to say how far this can all go and what happens to us when we live under that

Glad you are here, keep posting! (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

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noroses4u2c

My ex worked for this government facility that enabled him to have someone committed for 72 hours for observation. He would constantly threaten to have me locked up. He kept trying to convince people that I was crazy and that he was the victim. People knew he was beating me, but to them it was 'understandable' since he was living with 'someone like me'.

Your husband is 100% toxic.

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Grabforjoy

(((((((((((((((((((((Hangin on)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh my dear...the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up...I so remember the horror of being right where you are. Please know that there is a way out of this...there is life after such a horrible experience.

I am proof of that!

The first thing I want to say is this:

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

My sister once said to me "You can take the sweetest, gentlest dog - one that has never snapped or growled- and you can taunt it, yell at it, frighten it, and back it into the corner and eventually that sweet, gentle dog is going to bite you - just out of self defense, and even if you aren't physically hurting him.

OK. A little about my story. Almost exactly 4 years ago (on January 15, 2009), I was recovering from a fracture of my right ankle. I had what's called a trimalleolar fracture which is one of the worst orthopedic injuries of a joint one can experience. I had to have 7 screws and a plate surgically placed in my ankle and I was on crutches from September, to the end of January. My ex husband and I were having a calm, peaceful evening at home. We were making dinner together and I remember thinking "this is so great. I love it when things are like this between us". Well, as often happens with abusive individuals, the tone of the evening changed on a dime. He accused me of draining our bank accounts. I was always the only breadwinner in our family and my ex (who is known on this board as Mooch), would often take trips by himself and by expensive toys like motor cycles, boats, etc. Again, as is often the case with abusive individuals, he was projecting what HE was doing, on to me. Anyway, we started arguing. At one point I saw that things were escalating so I called a time out. He wouldn't honor it so I told him I was going to go out for awhile until things calmed down. There is a lot of filler in here that for the sake of brevity I am going to leave out, but I will post the story in it's entirety again so that it is easy for you to find.

Anyway, when I was eventually out by the car (without my crutches or my walking boot) Mooch came barrelling at me, holding his shoes. He grabbed my keys and through them away into the shadows. And then he started pushing me. I was hanging on to him for dear life because I was trying to protect my fragile ankle. At one point, I had sort of swung around behind him (my feet were in front of him but my torso, was behind him, if that makes sense). That's when my fear turned to anger and I just wanted him to leave me alone, and so I slapped the back of his head with my open hand.

Keep in mind, Mooch is well over 6 feet tall. I am 5'6" and he outweighes me by at least 50 or 60 pounds.

Mooch went to the police. Told them that his wife attacked him. He put on his "Godly man" act (he was attending the local seminary which holds a place of prestige in this community). They took one look at him...calm, looking so very regretful and sad (gag), and they took one look at me...eyes and nose bright red from crying, limping, make-up smudged, and they believe him. They told me that hitting posed more of a threat than "jockeying for position" (the exact words used) and I was cited for misdemeanor domestic battery. When they handed me the citation, I asked "Does my husband want me arrested?". The officer said yes and that my husband just wanted me to get the help I needed. I feel so angry to this day over that statement.

Like Bink, I am an RN. I faced losing my license and definitely losing my children in any kind of custody battle. I hired the best criminal defense attorney I could find. My attorney told me that it was so very evident that I was a battered woman. I felt so surprised at that. I had no bruises. I had no broken bones - that he caused, anyway. He said he could tell I was battered because almost every statement I made to him, was prefaced by some kind of concern around how my husband would respond or how it would affect him. My attorney had me compose a bullet list outlining my marriage and his line of defense was that I was the victim of domestic abuse and that the police made a mistake.

Mooch also regretted his actions. He wanted to take it all back. But he couldn't. He wrote a letter and gave it to my attorney saying something like "I do not wish to prosecute this case. It was never my intention that my wife go to jail or lose her nursing license.".

In the end, the DA dropped the charges. In California, the DA cannot drop the charges unless the victim agrees to it. In my case, the DA called my lawyer saying he was dropping the charges. He called Mooch the next day to ask if it was OK. I drew comfort from that.

Hangin' on, I know you are frightened of your husband's reactions if you include the emotional/mental/verbal abuse as any part of your defense. I understand that because you are hoping that he can influence the DA to not press charges and that perhaps if he gets mad at you, he will change his mind about helping. It just seems to me that THIS fact, that you were subjected to cruelty, is more likely to get the charges dropped than if you use a mental illness arguement. Having said that, I don't know the laws of Colorado, or the courts stance on mental/verbal/emotional abuse.

Hangin', I bet if you were to sit down and write out all the instances that he has been cruel to you, it would be an eye-opener for you, and it may change your lawyer's mind about your defense. Do you have any witnesses to his cruelty? Would they testify on your behalf, or at least write letters attesting to that fact?

After this happened to me, I knew that my marriage was irrevocably broken. As soon as I heard that the DA was dropping charges, I started the process of separating and eventually divorcing him. I remember my lawyer saying to me "Grabby, I want you to remember this moment and what I am about to say to you...A year or two from now, you are going to look back on this, and you are going to say you were glad it happened." I thought he was crazy. I was so very devastated and so very frightened. But, Hangin', a short year later I was able to say he was right! And while it hasn't been easy, nothing that has happened to me since has been as bad as that period after he had me arrested. In fact, my life has just gotten better and better. I say this to you because I want you to keep hangin' on.

Try your best to hold your head up high and know that you have done the best you can to keep your family together and your husband happy. But there is just no making an abusive personality happy. You just can't. You will never, ever be free of his abuse, Hangin' on. And in my experience, and in the experience of most everyone else on this board, it just gets worse, over time. And he will blame it on you.

I too was depressed. As soon as I left him, my depression started to lift. I have just gone through a very difficult alimony court battle and I slipped back into depression because of the things he tried to say about me. To me that is proof that my depression was entirely related to having to exist in an atmosphere of extreme emotional distress, for 20 years. Someone once said that the definition of futility is taking a pill hoping that the other person will change.

I will write more later, Hangin' On. Please keep coming back here. Our Place kept me sane during the dark hours, and helped me pull myself out of the that darkness.

Wishing you some moments of peace today.

Grabby

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Grabforjoy

Hangin'

I just started another topic with my initial post after being arrested. It has "For Hangin' On" in the title.

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HanginOn

One thing I'd like to clear up... My husband has not been physically abusing me - just verbal/emotional stuff.

Grabforjoy -- Thank you for sharing your story with me. (Both condensed & extended versions). In your "Alice in Wonderland" paragraph with your description of the things your husband would do/say and the confusion it caused you -- This is so similar to my situation. It's been so confusing to me that I haven't even been able to put it into words to explain it to anybody before. That was helpful. And Thank you for your encouragement.

I talked to my lawyer today. I'm not encouraged. The statements in the police reports are going to be hard to work with - my H's and mine (though I don't remember making mine). Colorado domestic violence laws are tough - and appear to have little leeway for any kind of extenuating circumstance like mine. It seems the D.A.s and judges are allowed very little discretion to determine for themselves whether a case should be prosecuted or just dropped. A no-drop policy! What I've been through already has been a nightmare. The arrest and booking process... I was so scared and had no idea what would happen next... spent the night in a concrete 6x10 cell, was later strip-searched, made to put on an orange jumpsuit, then taken to a bigger cell.. an on and on... AND ALL THIS ON CHRISTMAS EVE! I have nightmares about this frequently still.

I had some questions I was gonna ask.. but I need to go for a walk or something.. I need to get away from thinking about this stuff so I don't get myself to low (as per my doctor).

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rainbow

Please leave your husband. YOUR life is in DANGER. Please go to a domestic violence shelter and do not tell him that you are leaving. Make an escape plan and do it - YOU are not safe near this loser. He is not a husband, he is an abuser. Reach out to a domestic violence shelter - please save your life.

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Grabforjoy

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hangin' On)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh Honey...I cannot begin imagine how awful that must have been. I was lucky in that I didn't have to go through booking and jail time. It's no wonder you have nightmares.

I have to say I have so much anger toward your husband for putting you through that. How dare he?

In terms of the no physical violence, Mooch was hardly ever physical with me, and the times between the physicality were very long. The last 8 years or so, of our marriage involved no physical altercations...however, the mental and emotional abuse escalated.

I didn't add that 4 or 5 days after the arrest, I was at the top of the stairs, still on crutches, and he put both hands on my back and shoved me...at the top of the stairs. I didn't go to the police because I was afraid it would look like a "tit for tat" action on my part and that would prejudice the DA against dropping charges.

Anyway, I hope that you don't underestimate the effect emotional/verbal abuse has on a person. Many people say that it has a more severe and long lasting effect than the physical. I know for me, it has been much harder for me to heal emtionally and mentally than it took to heal from the physical. However, I was not severely physically abused. In my mind, his subjecting you to the experience of being arrested and jailed unjustly is just about one of the most cruel things that a husband can do to a wife.

Hangin', I really hope you can go talk to a domestic violence counselor again...and soon. They may have some advice for you on how to fight this, utilizing the theory of "reactionary abuse". If you haven't looked that up, please do so. It is a very real phenomenon.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

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bix

He's a Slimy rat for calling the police on you. That what I think of that.

I hate that the police support these kinds of charges. Don't castigate yourself over this - you were pushed to your limits. The police have to follow procedure and he's just playing power games with you. So i'd say don't attack him again and GET AWAY from him.

Treating you like a child like that - what a horrible human being. You deserve much better. And being with NO ONE is better.

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moongoddess

Honey most of us here came with the same sentence: ONLY verbal and emotional stuff.

Ohh how we defend them because they haven't physically hurt us, but truth is the emotional wounds cut deep

*bighugs*

mg

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HanginOn

Believe me, I KNOW how damaging the verbal/emotional abuse can be. I just thought I had been misunderstood earlier to say that there's been physical abuse. Had it been physical, things would have been very black & white and I would have seen it for what it was --- and I probably would have been long gone way before we even had kids. 'Couse, these two kids mean the world to me and I wouldn't trade having them for anything... but because of the abuse for so long, I feel like I am barely a fraction of the once happy, confident, competent person I once was. After my legal issues are over, I HAVE to make the changes in my life to try to find that person again.

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Grabforjoy

but because of the abuse for so long, I feel like I am barely a fraction of the once happy, confident, competent person I once was. After my legal issues are over, I HAVE to make the changes in my life to try to find that person again.

Hangin, my goodness, I could have written that four years ago. I remember thinking "what in the world happened to me?". I met Mooch when I was 21 years old. I was a happy, outgoing young woman with such dreams!

The good news is that it is sooooooo possible to find that happy, confident, competent person again. It truly is. I remember my first year out felt like such a roller coaster of emotions because I was so sad and the death of my dream - having a happy, healthy intact marriage and family- but it felt soooooooooooo good to be free of the constant stress. I dedicated myself to myself. I remember going through stages of downloading music that I listened to as a young teenager because it helped me to reconnect to who I was before I lost myself.

I can honestly say that I am mostly the person I was born to be. I still have triggers. Like today, my fiancé was teasing me (btw...it is possible to find a loving, normal non-abusive man...my Mountain Man is!) and I went to that place of dread where I thought he didn't believe me about something and I found myself desperate to prove that I wasn't lying. And then I caught myself and realized that this was a knee jerk reaction and that nothing about what was happening in that moment came close to my previous reality where Mooch would unjustly accuse me of lying and then know that he was going to make me pay for his delusion somehow, sometime, somewhere. I later shared with Mountain Man what was going through my head when he was playfully teasing me and he felt so badly. I reassured him that it was nothing to do with him, just with triggers from my past. But, those triggers are getting fewer and fewer and I sometimes find myself marveling at the free and easy way I have with my Mountain Man. I truly am able to say whatever is on my mind and I don't have to worry that I might cause some huge blow up because my words were misconstrued. I still find myself measuring my words sometimes, but Mountain Man is very patient and often will say "Grabby, you can just say what's on your mind. It's OK".

OK, I am rambling, but you get my point, hopefully. When I was in the hotel room after being made to leave my home four years ago, I remember having the CONVICTION that if I stayed married to Mooch, that I was going to die an early death. That absolute conviction made me realize that my kids would lose the one parent who was somewhat healthy and who provided them with stability...I had no choice but to end the marriage.

It wasn't easy. But HanginOn, it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and my kids.

I know your children mean the world to you. And I know that you are a strong person...you have to be to endure the crap that these "men" (and sometimes "women") and I use those terms loosely, throw our way.

Grabby

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big girl

Hanging on, we're here for you!!! :hug008:

Twistification is a name we give what has happened to you - in it's most extreme form. Most of us have seen it, lived it and been confused and hurt by it. You will have some time to get your story together. These court things take time, and you know - for the police to prosecute (in my country) the "victim" has to press charges and make a statement, testify and co-operate with the police investigation for it to proceed. It is my understanding that this would not be as "out of his hands" as he is making out. Can anyone help me here, all your states have different laws and I'd have NO idea. Might be a really good question to pose to your lawyer/attorney. Just how much or how little involvement does your H need to have in this for it to reach a court room??

Is he lying?? Or playing one side of his face to you and another to law enforcement?

These were thoughts that popped into my head. I'm always suspicious of what an abuser says - this quote sits quietly at the bottom of Grabby's posts and is one of those ultimate truths:

"If you’re in an abusive relationship, what you must never, ever forget about your man is that he lies to you every time he looks at you. His whole life is a lie to you, himself, and everyone else in the world. An abusive man who is being charming or cute or funny or sentimental or sorry is like one of those wax hamburgers that restaurants use to illustrate their menus. They have virtually everything going for them—except that they aren’t hamburgers. They’re pretend hamburgers. They’re pretend delicious. They’re pretend nutritious. They have no more relationship to real food than a mannequin has to real people." -John Shore

Your "battery" was in a heated moment for a few seconds. You say in your post that your H was not scared. I am trying to help you out here with my knowledge of how the system works. Think very hard WHY you thought this and let us know. What was it that he said or did that made you think he WASN'T scared?

This will help your case.

You were not so intent on 'battering' the guy that you needed to be pulled off him, he didn't even strike you back, am I right?

I will assume this is your first offence, that you have never been charged or found guilty of a violence, drug or alcohol related offence before?

You will be OK. Hanging on, at worst probably a slap on the wrist, maybe a suspended sentence. Is your attorney wringing his hands and pulling out his hair? He can't just tell you that you'll be ok, you need to get a scare, so to speak. Whatever you do, LEAVE when this is over. He will provoke you again and it will not be good the second time around.

My love and hugs to you and your children who are probably missing you madly. Any chance your lawyer can arrange a supervised visit so you can tell them in person that you love them and miss them while you hug them tight?? You did not batter the children (i'll assume they weren't present) and you pose no threat to them or the case if you see the kids (children shouldn't be asked to testify).

BIG HUGS AGAIN - post as much as you need to....it helps to sort it all out in your head, you must be spinning right now.

BG

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HanginOn

BG - Thank you for your input. In Colorado a "domestic violence" case quickly becomes NOT "Victim vs HanginOn" but "The State of Colorado vs HanginOn." The "victim" cannot just decide to drop the charges and make the whole thing go away. And I understand the reasoning behind this in a REAL case of battery where often an abused wife/girlfriend can be guilted/convinced to drop charges by a dangerous, controlling abuser. I do not disagree with this. But my case is NOTHING like that. My lawyer says that getting this case dropped is not impossible - just not likely. But he is going to try. And my husband is going to try. His (my H) appointment with the D.A. is before my arraignment and before my lawyer's. And yes, BG, I do believe my husband genuinely wants this case dropped/dismissed and will do whatever he can to achieve that. I know he feels bad for what he put me through (at least I think he does) but if that isn't strong enough motivation then the money this is costing us IS. H knows that I WILL NOT PLEAD GUILTY OR ACCEPT A DEFERRED SENTENCE (which is the same as a conviction). I REFUSE TO BE ON PROBATION, HAVE RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, HAVE TO GET COURT PERMISSION JUST TO LEAVE THE STATE, HAVE TO TAKE A MINIMUM OF 24 DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OFFENDER CLASSES, NOT BE ABLE TO VOLUNTEER IN MY CHILDS SCHOOL (a dv conviction disqualifies me), HAVE THIS ON MY RECORD FOR POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS TO SEE... and yes, it will affect him too - the business we run together currently has two government contracts. These contracts are in MY name and include security clearances. A dv conviction would cause us to lose these. If the case is not dismissed i will not take a plea but go to trial. AND THIS WILL BE EXPENSIVE. My H does NOT want to pay for that. So, yes, he is motivated.

And regarding my kids and the Protection Order/no-contact order... I am home now. My husband filed a motion to have the "No Contact" part removed and I've been home for about 2 weeks now. BUT, there is still a list of things that I cannot do to my husband ("You, the defendant, shall not harass, molest, intimidate, retaliate against, or tamper with any witness to or the victim of the acts you are charged with committing.") Depending on interpretation, I have probably done most of these things already. And I know that if H got angry with me and was so inclined, he could probably have me arrested and put back in jail. There are probably a lot of people who think I am nuts for putting myself in a position this this. But I really, really don't think my H would do that (it would cost a lot more money). But I HAVE to be home. I have to be where my kids are. I had a place to stay but I couldn't handle NOT being home. I couldn't function in limbo like that. And my kids aren't little - they are teenagers, but I couldn't handle not being with them and a part of their daily lives.

Grabforjoy - It is encouraging to hear how you are doing AFTER. It's hard for me to think any farther ahead than my legal issues right now though. But someday? And I will probably get a lot of flack for this statement... but - I have not yet determined that divorce is the only or best course. I have a lot to work through. And I don't know how (or if, at all) my husband would respond to being confronted as emotionally/verbally abusive. He doesn't see it that way and probably never will. But this is not something that has really been OPENLY discussed and or explored yet. Would he SEE? And if so, would he be willing to try to change - with counseling etc? All these questions, I feel, really can't be addressed till after the legal outcome is done and known.

Thanks for the support.

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tenderheart

Hello HanginOn...my name is Tenderheart. I have been a member here for many years, but left for several of those years, and have recently come back to just sort of hang around, make some comments, and post some of my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

When I read your post I understood COMPLETELY. I felt your frustration and felt the heaviness in your heart for what happened. You could have called the police on him uncountable times but you didn't. Then one time you lose it because likely you were finally at the end of your rope of years of holding yourself together, he just BAM decides to call the police for something that was nothing! How does that work? It's not fair. It's not right. He was so completely taking control and punishing you. And then turns around and feels bad, is sorry, and is trying to change things? Really? Are you sure? Is he meeting with the DA to tell them the real truth or his truth?

**NOTE: I did not read other posts so if you have added anything I have not read it yet

I don't even know what to say to you because I feel a "crazy making" sense about your husband, almost like he knows what he's doing and then pretends "he didn't know..." - I don't know your story...but I know crazy making. My ex did it to me. He drove me deep into a crazy state of mind. I am not violent, I am not a hitting person, I do not believe in hitting anyone. I am a person who likes to discuss, talk, lay things out on the table and make a way, a plan...I don't like to yell and never even THINK of hitting.

My ex drove me to a state of mind where I didn't even know how to think anymore. I just reacted because his verbal abuse was making me crazy. I would try to talk, he wouldn't let me. He would yell and yell and yell and yell and LOUDLY too...not just a little. It was incessant at times. He would ask me a question and when I wanted to answer he wouldn't let me, he would yell over me and then continually get in my face yelling and yelling...accusing me of things I didn't do like lying...he would call me names and cut me down...it was crazy making...and for your husband to treat you like a child and turn off your phone because you didn't "clean the bedroom like he asked..." is a form of CRAZY MAKING and control. I'm so angry just reading your post because I feel so bad for you for having to sit in jail.

Couldn't you have been bailed out??? I think he LET you stay in there on purpose to further punish you for touching him. In the mean time he can sit there and abuse you verbally all he wants???

Usually in a situation like yours you can get bailed out right away, you don't have to sit. You should find out why you had to spend the night in jail!!! He probably told them to leave you sit there.

Anyway, I'm so sorry what you had to go through. I wish I could help you. But am here to listen any time

Tenderheart.

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tenderheart

PS: Does your state arrest people for verbal abuse? In my state you can be arrested for verbal abuse. I don't know what specific criteria have to be met to meet that arrest, but it is done here.

Tenderheart

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Escapee

Hi HanginOn,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been reading your story and this caught my eye:

But I really, really don't think my H would do that (it would cost a lot more money).

I left my husband about 6 weeks ago. It was rarely physical with him, he threw stuff a few times but mostly the abuse was emotional.

After I left him, things escalated. He did stuff that I NEVER EVER thought he would do. He has gone through a few phases one of which has been confession, and he has previously done stuff that I didn't ever think he would do. But he did, and he hid it from me.

You need to realize that these abuses are so utterly self focused that they don't care about you. If it is in their interest, then they WILL do it. Maybe not in the state of mind they're in right now, but what about when they get upset? Even when it hurt my husband, turns out he would do stuff out of revenge because it would hurt me more.

I guess I'm trying to say that while you can think he won't, have a back up plan in case he does.

Take care of yourself,

Escapee

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HanginOn

Tenderheart - To answer your question... In colorado, or a least my county, for a domestic violence charge you cannot bond-out until you appear before a magistrate (video court) where all charges against you are stated and the magistrate determines bond. I guess I was fortunate that there was one happening the next afternoon or I could have been in longer. I had friends at the courtroom side of the proceeding who then did my bond stuff for me. Husband wasn't there. If my friends hadn't been there for me I'm not sure If my H would have eventually gotten me out or not. It was a "personal recognizance bond with Co-signer requirement." It wouldn't surprise me if the "victim" in a dv case is not allowed to co-sign a bond for defendant.

And Escapee -- I do still really don't think my husband would have me arrested again. There's the money aspect but also his kids would never forgive him. And I'm not sure what kind of back up plan I could have for that... Except an early departure from this life - because I will NOT EVER GO TO JAIL AGAIN - I WILL NOT EVER GO THROUGH THAT HELL AGAIN. PERIOD!

Thank you both for you encouragement and concern. This forum helps me not feel so alone in this.

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Quaddie

Hangin, before you decide you want to do anything regarding a confrontation, etc., with your husband... read the entire book "Why Does He Do That?" And...make sure you do this on the sly where he doesn't see or know about the book.

Thing is, abusers operate from a different worldview. Their core mindset is different from yours or mine. It helps to think about it as them being disordered - their brains function completely differently.

There is no way to make them "see the light" because they cannot and will not see anything wrong with how they behave. To them, it's all perfectly acceptable and the way the world works.

You can't get a light bulb to turn on inside them, because there is no light bulb. It simply doesn't exist.

IF you were to have that conversation - to confront him and tell him he's abusive and how it affects you - a lot of us could predict exactly what would happen. Because we've been there. And we try to pass the futility - the inadvisability - of this confrontation on to new members...to try to help you avoid the pain and problems that will arise if you do try it.

And we know how it feels to feel compelled to try every last thing we can to get this relationship fixed. To try to make him see. To know that we gave it the best fight we could.

But... he doesn't see you. You're not a "person" to him. You're an object who he needs to function in a specific way in order to fulfill what he perceives as his needs, and to have power over you.

There's no fixing abuse. It's not a disease...there's no cure...there's no medication. It's purely the way his mind works.

If you confront him, it can make things worse for you. He will know your weak spots. He will use whatever information he receives against you. He will manipulate you even more.

He will do or say anything - even change from tactic to tactic, such as love, hate, anger, caring behaviors, charm, promises and promises and more promises... genuine-looking attempts to act like he's changing - to get you back under his thumb and under his control so that everything will stay the same.

We call this "hoovering." The attempt to "suck you back in" with any kind of manipulative behavior that might work, whether positive or negative.

  • He may try to blame his behaviors on you:
  • "I didn't know I was hurting you. Now that I know, I'll stop. I'll try to change. Honestly."
    It's a lie. He knows he's hurting you.
  • "You need to tell me when I'm acting that way."
    Not true. You are not responsible for his behaviors and cannot be his "abuse police."
  • "I'm so sorry! I love you! I didn't mean to! I was just _________(whatever excuse). Will you forgive me??"
    Not true. He's not sorry, and he did mean to.
  • "Well, you're not perfect, either! What about that time you ________ (insert whatever dirt he can dig up on you. You have to give me a break. Nobody's perfect. YOU'RE abusive sometimes, too!"
    Common tactic to twist it around onto you and make you doubt yourself. It doesn't matter if you're not perfect. He is an abuser.
  • "I'm so sorry. (insert sobs/tears) I had a crappy childhood. My mother didn't love me. My father beat me. This was what I learned. If you'll stay by my side and help me heal, I'll try to change, I promise. If you really love me, you'll help me through this."
    This is a common b.s. way to try to guilt you into staying. It's all b.s. even though it has the ring of truth because ultimately he is responsible for his own treatment of you, and staying to put up with being hurt is not proof of "love" - it's a symptom of an unhealthy attachment.

These are just a few of the possible reactions - but you're likely to receive one or a combination of these.

I think one of the primary fallacies we tend to believe - because we're normal-hearted people and we can't think of any other way - is that "If he only knew how he was hurting me, he'd stop."

Thing is - he does know. He just doesn't care. In fact, he might be enjoying it. Your hurt fulfills a purpose for him. It keeps you down, it keeps him in control. It's a tactic. So if you tell him that he's hurting you... he honestly doesn't care.

If you did it with a threat - e.g. "If you don't stop, I'm leaving you." - then he will pretend to change in order to get you to stay. Because without you there to be his dolly, his mechanism to serve his needs, he is lost and empty. Not "lost and empty" as in the pain and loneliness of a breakup because you care about someone... but a very selfish kind of "lost and empty" as in, "Without her, I have no puppet to serve me."

He will be able to be very convincing in his act of pretending he loves and cares about you. You would probably believe he honestly cares and honestly wants to change. That's all part of his manipulation.

Time goes by... He'll do something to get you even more entrenched in your relationship with him, so that it's even harder for you to leave. The abuse starts back in. He may take different tactics - switch to a different type of abuse - so that you don't realize it right away. But it does start back. And get worse.

Hangin - I'm saying all this to you up-front because I believe that once someone has done something as severe as having you arrested, there are no boundaries to what he'll do next.

It really is that bad.

He may feel even more powerful. He may feel that you should be even more afraid of him because he has the power to ruin your life. With a moment's action, he can push your buttons and call 911 and have you arrested again.

He may use that power over you, or it may remain implied. But you both know it's true.

And now that he's got documentation of your alleged abuse of him - well, he could take further physical action against you and manipulate you into fighting back... and then turning the tables and seriously injuring or killing you, then claiming self-defense. It doesn't matter if it doesn't logically make sense - he may still do that. He probably feels above the law. It's part of the entitlement of an abuser.

And even if you think you know how he would behave or how he feels... it's important to realize that you probably don't really know. Everything really is an act.

It's dangerous for you to remain with him, in so many ways.

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Quaddie
And Escapee -- I do still really don't think my husband would have me arrested again. There's the money aspect but also his kids would never forgive him. And I'm not sure what kind of back up plan I could have for that... Except an early departure from this life - because I will NOT EVER GO TO JAIL AGAIN - I WILL NOT EVER GO THROUGH THAT HELL AGAIN. PERIOD!

Hangin - it's also important for you to realize that you do have options. Please don't think you "can't" leave. You can.

When you start thinking in this direction, it's even more indicative of an urgency and the seriousness of the abuse you're living in.

Please...don't understimate him. And please...... don't disregard your options. They are there, if you'll let yourself see them.

:(

Please be safe.

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Buzzkitty1

Hanging,

I bet if you were posting before all this you would have sworn up and down he would NEVER have you arrested. But he did.

And here you are defending him, and saying he would never ever do it a second time. But, he would. In a heartbeat. The sooner you see this, and understand it, the safer you will be. He is not your friend.

Read "Why Does He Do That". Try to understand that this is abuse. Do not minimize what has happened to you.

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