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Zoeygirl

Losing my last connection to the ex

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Zoeygirl

Wow, I haven't posted here in a long time. A brief history of me: I came to this community about 9 years ago when I was in the thick of an EA/VA marriage, and I had just discovered what VA was. The people on this board saved my life, and I've had the pleasure of meeting a few in person. I've been out for 4 1/2 years now, and I haven't been around much because . . . well, because I haven't really needed it. I guess that's a good thing.

So I'm back today because I found some feelings buried deep inside of me that were causing depression, and when I finally realized what it was (today) I knew that this was the place to talk about it. I decided recently to do something about my credit report. It has some negatives on it, some of the little things are my fault, but there are two big things that were the fault of me co-signing with my ex--a timeshare and an investment property. He's always been terrible with managing money and doesn't care about his credit, so he used mine to buy these things when we married. At the time, I thought that I was scripturally obligated to co-sign even though I knew he was untrustworthy, but that's a different story.

Anyway, the feelings that came up in me when I finally called the (reputable) credit repair company kind of surprised me. I was afraid, even terrified, and I realized that was the main reason I'd put this off for so long. Then I fell into a depression, but for some reason I didn't connect that to the credit report. Then I talked to the agent about resolving the timeshare, which is in both our names and has been in collections (the investment property foreclosed). My anxiety and depression escalated, and I still was not connecting it to the credit report. I thought it was related to me hating my job. lol

(On a side note, one thing I hate about myself is that I will get depressed and not know why. And I have to go on an Easter Egg Hunt to figure out what's wrong with me. Shouldn't I automatically know?? It's my own brain, for crying out loud.)

So today I am visiting my favorite blogs on the Internet, trying to find the answer to my depression. I asked God to please show me. An hour later, when I finally got off the Internet and gave God a moment, it hit me. I'm scared of clearing up that timeshare because it is the last thing with both our names on it, and it's my last connection with my ex. Abusive as he was, he was my life for 12 years. I pinned all my hopes and dreams on him. So holding on to that timeshare was somehow keeping me connected, in a twisted way, to those hopes and dreams. And paying off that account was one more step to me being completely alone in this world, the final dashing of my hopes and dreams.

Of course, it's not really the final dashing of my hopes and dreams, but that's how it feels today. I surprised myself that I was still holding on this strongly to my marriage, because I absolutely do not regret leaving 4 1/2 years ago.

This hurts.

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Vicky

Zoey,

Nice to hear from you! Miss you! Its good you are aware of what is going on and you seem to know what you need to do, just deal with it and go through it. Just keep posting and sharing and know we are all here to give you love and support as you go through any feelings that come up.

((((HUGS))))

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Lorelei

Good to hear from you! Good for you for going forward with what needs to be done, despite your fears and depressions. I usually find that when I actually "do" what I've been dreading, the elation and sense of satisfaction trump the previous negative emotions.

Has it been nine years for you? Counting on my fingers....it's been, omg, SEVEN for me since I ended my abusive relationship and found the "other" place!

Zoeygirl, I'm still climbing back up out of the abyss! I'm still trying to recover, to re-find myself, to "get back to normal." It's such a long process! Thanks for sharing your journey.

xoxoLorelei

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big girl

Wow Zoey,

What an amazing revelation! God can do amazing things. Have you made any moves to get rid of the timeshare? I wouldn't think of it as being alone - we have to clean out the past to allow new and wonderful things into our lives, like cleaning out the closet to make room for new clothes - we can't fit them in, or even think to go shopping for them if there's a stinky nasty mess still sitting at the bottom of the closet.

(((hugs)))

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Zoeygirl

@Vicky--good to "see" you! I hope all is well with you and your family!

@Lorelei--I know, time goes by quick, doesn't it? I actually started lurking at the other place about 9 years ago, and I didn't actually join til over 2 years later, because, you know, my ex was going to change, unlike everyone else here. lol So I think we started posting at the same time. In any case, I've been out about 4 1/2 years now. I'm still trying to get back to normal, too--gratefully I can look back and see how far I've come. There is hope!

@big girl--Nice to meet you and thanks for your words! The company I'm working with is going to negotiate with the collections agency--I'll probably have to pay a settlement. Painful as it is to part with that money, I have to think of it as washing away the rest of the past and moving forward. And being able to get better interest rates when my credit score goes up!

Love you gals!

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