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My Husband Blames Me for Everything!

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#1 cihernandez


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 03:50 AM

My husband hits me when he is angry at me. He says I make him do it. Can you believe it?! I am in a typical abusive relationship with a man who hits me and then blames me. I am a professional for God's sake, but here I am with a man who not only hits me, but has verbally abused me so much I now feel as "worthless" and "lousy" as he says I am.

He says we have problems because I never let anything go. Is it wrong for me to constantly hear his words in my head telling me I was lousy in bed, or that he could get better women than me? His words have crippled me! I want to forget them, but I can't no matter how many times he takes them back. I feel like a terrible wife!

#2 Thorium


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 04:30 AM

welcome to.gif abuse is wrong.gif

Hi cihernandez,

I'm glad you have found us. This is not your fault at all, he is an abuser. You have to leave him. Immplement a plan to escape because he will continue to hurt you and don't tell him, just leave. Do you have family close by or friends that you can stay with? Please ring a domestic violence hotline to get support.

You are definately NOT worthless!

It is a classical abuse tactic for them to say "its your fault, you made me do this, you never get over anything. This is utter bullsh*t. He has no respect for you at all. He says those words to control you.

Please get out, you dont deserve this.

All those words going around in your head will leave, but you must leave him 1st. I encourage you to see a domestic violence counsellor or therapist. They have helped me get those horrible words out of my head.

Good luck, we are all here for you. hug008.gif

#3 freewoman59


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 04:51 AM

not your fault.gif abuse is wrong.gif this is abuse.gif welcome to.gif welcome.gif

You will find the most amazing people here to adivice you and guide you. You have to get away from him and get YOURSELF BACK!One step at a time. Please keep posting!

#4 Chloe


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 05:03 AM

(((cihernandez)))welcome to.gif

You've come to the right place. Your husband is an abuser and no you're not a terrible wife, it's not your fault. It is a common ploy for abuser's to blame their target. You're not worthless or lousy, he's physically and mentally abusing you, this has a very big impact on how we see ourselves, and these abuser's try to brainwash us to believe what they say.

I highly recommend you have a read through the Resources information here: http://forums.our-pl...hp?showforum=17 for advice on DV Hotlines for where you live and advice on safety etc.

We're here for you, keep writing hug.gif

this is abuse.gif not your fault.gif

#5 argentina


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 08:19 AM

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. No matter what you may have said or done, nobody deserves to be abused and like you said this is "classic abuser behaviour" to blame the other person. I agree with the others who have posted here. Do some reading and see a DV counsellor. It is important to get some counselling for yourself so that you can stand up for your rights. it is very common for a person affected by ongoing abuse to start believing what their abuser says but this thought pattern can be reversed. Keep in touch. hug.gif

#6 NotWhatIExpected


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 08:28 AM

Hi there,

I've only been on this forum for a month, and it's given me the most AMAZING insights, these women and men are beautiful, helpful, supportive people who know EXACTLY what you're going through. And many of us are professionals. I'm finishing a Masters degree, I know we have PhD candidates, and all sorts of professional men and women here. It can, and does, happen to anyone.

If I can say anything, LISTEN to what these wonderful people say. They are not bodyless people on the internet, they are real people with real experience, and we all, even me with very little wisdom, want the best for you. \

Is it possible for you to get out? Do you have a plan and a place to go and enogh money yet? Does your husband know of your intentions?

#7 blackbird


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 09:03 AM

QUOTE (cihernandez @ Jun 30 2010, 03:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My husband hits me when he is angry at me. He says I make him do it. Can you believe it?!

Yes, I can.

While I was "in," I spent years struggling to make sense of the Antichrist's behavior, trying to tread lightly so that I would never anger him, but that just isn't possible with an abuser. Your behavior does not cause his abuse. His own lack of self worth, his entitlements, and his distorted views of relationships cause the abuse...and the chances that he will change, even with years of intense therapy, are very, very slim.

The more that you read and understand, the more you'll come to realize that you don't have the power to change him, you can only change yourself and your own circumstances.

Are you in counseling? If not, I'd highly recommend seeking out a therapist who has a deep understanding of domestic violence. You could begin by calling your local DV center.


#8 percolate


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 09:17 AM

Welcome to Our Place. I'm sorry you need to be here, but there are some wonderful, wise people here who understand exactly what it's like to be told that everything is your fault.

You did not make him hit you...no one has that kind of power over another person's actions. He is an adult and responsible for his behavior, even when angry.

Abuse occurs across all socio-economic groups, all educational levels, etc. As others have said, there are a number of well educated professionals here. I have a PhD and am a college professor and so was my abusive xh.

Please consider everyone's advice to contact your local DV center-they have a wealth of services and their counseling (both individual and group) can be a lifesaver. I was apprehensive about going to the group sessions at first, worried that I'd feel out of place-but I found that I fit in quite well. There were other well educated professional women trying to make sense of what had happened to them and trying to figure out what they were going to do.

#9 Lily Bright

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Posted 30 June 2010 - 09:58 AM

I don't think you're a terrible wife...
but he CERTAINLY fits the bill of terrible husband!
Sorry you had to find us, but so glad you DID... smile.gif


#10 rcr


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Posted 30 June 2010 - 11:59 AM

HUGE hugs to you. You are a loyal, caring wife. He is a terrible husband. You can not make him do anything. He chooses to abuse you. He does not have to abuse you - he wants to. A partner should lift you up - not tear you down. Would you treat him like he treats you? I doubt it. That is because you are a kind individual. He is not. He may have moments of kindness but he is not kind.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' It is excellent and very eye-opening. It helps you to understand the dynamics of abuse, the different kinds of abuse, the goals of abusive people and many other things.

Please be nice to yourself and take care of yourself.

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