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dalmationsr0ck

what if i'm not always the victim?

8 posts in this topic

My head is swarming with mixed emotions lately, which is unfamiliar because usually I try to keep from feeling anything. Sometimes I feel like I choose my consequences. Just the other day I didn't clean because I was thinking things over. I know that if I don't clean then I get in trouble, so I should of done it.

Or sometimes when my mom curses me out, I want to yell something back. If I do I don't curse, but still I'm joining in on the yelling. I've been told it takes two to fight.

Then there was an incident a while back where I was feeling really sick, but I had to clean anyways. I was sweeping the floor and my little sister refused to move no matter how many times I begged her. I thought about hitting her. I didn't hit her because at that moment I saw my mom hitting me, but it made me feel like I'm going to become like her. Why should I be saved if I'm just going to turn into a monster?

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My head is swarming with mixed emotions lately, which is unfamiliar because usually I try to keep from feeling anything. Sometimes I feel like I choose my consequences. Just the other day I didn't clean because I was thinking things over. I know that if I don't clean then I get in trouble, so I should of done it.

Or sometimes when my mom curses me out, I want to yell something back. If I do I don't curse, but still I'm joining in on the yelling. I've been told it takes two to fight.

Then there was an incident a while back where I was feeling really sick, but I had to clean anyways. I was sweeping the floor and my little sister refused to move no matter how many times I begged her. I thought about hitting her. I didn't hit her because at that moment I saw my mom hitting me, but it made me feel like I'm going to become like her. Why should I be saved if I'm just going to turn into a monster?

Whatever you have done has been you reacting to what has been done and continues to be done to you. To help you get your head around what has been going on in your family dynamic and to help you find your way out, of the trapping nature of what your mother has created, please have a look for the following:

As a starting point, please try and get your hands on a book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy And Reclaiming Your Life", by Dr Susan Forward with Craig Buck. You can try your local public library and see if they have a copy or can order one from another library on your behalf. If you do have the money to purchase a copy, then pop into your local bookstore and ask them to order you a copy, for you to collect from the store when it arrives. You need to keep yourself safe by being able to finish reading this book without your mother or your siblings ever knowing you have such literature. To see a summary, of what this book is about, pop over to the amazon site and type in title or author.

For wider reading, please do an internet search for narcissistic parents - loads of material on the net to help you realise it has never been about you but always about your mother's personal dysfunction. Damaged parents like your mother fall under what is termed as personality disordered individuals. Narcissism is one of those personality disorder types. You can also look up sociopaths or psychopaths as parents and you will find more information about the damage such parents inflict on their children.

Another internet search for Adult Children of Narcissists should help you find more resources catering for those who grew up being subjected to what you have. Through this search you should be able to find many similar experiences shared by others who have experienced what you have.

Hope this helps.

Startingover

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Great book that Starting Over mentioned, was my first book in the process of learning about abuse.

We all have choices at any given moment. We can't control other people, but we can control ourselves and our reactions and our actions. When we get angry, we can choose to lash out or not. In your example above, you consciously CHOSE not to hit your sister. Every time your mother hits you or your siblings, she is also choosing to do so, in spite of, or maybe because of, it hurting you. We choose the words we say, the expressions on our face, and how we use our hands and bodies. We may not be able to control feeling an emotion (anger, sadness, jealousy, fear), but we can choose how we express those feelings. You are not a clone of your mother, you get to decide who you are and how you will react to things. This is an amazing and somewhat scary knowledge to have. It's wonderful to know we have such power, even though in the beginning, it's scary to realize that how we act is in our own hands (instead of blaming feelings or environment or other people).

Some reactions are habits...triggers. When someone uses a certain tone, immediately our temper rises. We instinctively raise our voices when someone yells at us. But habits can be modified. Pay attention to the actions you do that you dislike and learn what brought them about. THen decide to behave differently when those circumstances arise again. With time and effort, you can retrain yourself to react differently, automatically.

You are in control of you. You get to decide. Just you.

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My head is swarming with mixed emotions lately, which is unfamiliar because usually I try to keep from feeling anything. Sometimes I feel like I choose my consequences. Just the other day I didn't clean because I was thinking things over. I know that if I don't clean then I get in trouble, so I should of done it.

Or sometimes when my mom curses me out, I want to yell something back. If I do I don't curse, but still I'm joining in on the yelling. I've been told it takes two to fight.

Then there was an incident a while back where I was feeling really sick, but I had to clean anyways. I was sweeping the floor and my little sister refused to move no matter how many times I begged her. I thought about hitting her. I didn't hit her because at that moment I saw my mom hitting me, but it made me feel like I'm going to become like her. Why should I be saved if I'm just going to turn into a monster?

The fact that you are here and asking questions is proof enough that you will NOT turn into your mother.

Do you think an abuser ever analyzes their behavior and wonders if there's a different, better way? Heck no. Because what they do works for them. YOU on the other hand, see that this isn't working for you.

Abusers are highly entitled; there is absolutely no incentive for them to give up the control that makes them feel powerful.

So, keep asking questions, keep learning, and, in time, find someone IRL that you can talk to. All important steps in finding your way out.

You will be okay. You will be okay. You will be okay.

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Just decide from this moment on that you're not going to be a hitter. And you won't. make a committment to yourself. BTW - FEELING like hitting and WANTING to hit them is not the same as actually doing it. You're not a bad person just for thinking it,

What are your future plans? Are you in school? Can you get away soon?

love and hugs to you.

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I just remembered something Lundy Bancroft said about children who grow up witnessing or experiencing abuse. He said that although all of them were affected, only some ended up being abusive themselves. Those who did, did it not because they were exposed to an abusive environment, but because they bought the value system of the abuser. Their thinking had been brainwashed. Those who chose not to identify with the thinking of the abusive parent DIDN'T end up being abusive.

Even then, I agree that it's hard not to end up perpetrating what you grow up with. But it's by no means inevitable. As long as you are able to feel the disgust, and not suppress it, but find a sympathetic witness (like a therapist, or even a good friend) who validates your feelings and experience, you don't have to take out that rage on someone else because you know and understand what happened to you and don't keep suppressing everything.

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"What if i'm not always the victim?" I think that's where many of us started from. Look, I don't know your story, but if you are not seeing a Therapist now, I think you should be seeking one out, even before trying to self-diagnose yourself through the many self-help books available out there on the market, is my advice. Start there and work your way up/out. If you don't know how to find a Therapist then ask how to do that .... :)

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