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Aurora

In a relationship

23 posts in this topic

So I have been seeing this guy for a month now officially. I was set up with him via mutual friends that we have. He is amazingly sweet, smart and caring. Most importantly it feels healthy. There is no clingyness on either side. Their is a general caring and mutual support. He used to work where I am working now, so a lot of my co-workers have nothing but glowing things to say about him. They know him inside and outside of the working enviornment, so it's not like it was a show he was putting on.

Here is my issue. My brain keeps throwing up caution signs. I haven't seen any red flags. He is aware of somewhat of what I have been through in the past. But I guess I'm terrified that after the honeymoon phase is over he will turn into that ugly person I was married to. I spoke with my sister about this and she said it's perfectly normal since this is the first serious relationship since being out. I guess I'm just not really sure how to handle these feelings and I don't want to push him away for something I know he isn't. Any advice would be great.

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TIME and PATIENCE.....

HE won't be pushed away if he is INTO you, yanno?

OHH and NO CATASTROPHIZING.... ;)

*HUGS*

MG :wub:

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So I have been seeing this guy for a month now officially. I was set up with him via mutual friends that we have. He is amazingly sweet, smart and caring. Most importantly it feels healthy. There is no clingyness on either side. Their is a general caring and mutual support. He used to work where I am working now, so a lot of my co-workers have nothing but glowing things to say about him. They know him inside and outside of the working enviornment, so it's not like it was a show he was putting on.

Here is my issue. My brain keeps throwing up caution signs. I haven't seen any red flags. He is aware of somewhat of what I have been through in the past. But I guess I'm terrified that after the honeymoon phase is over he will turn into that ugly person I was married to. I spoke with my sister about this and she said it's perfectly normal since this is the first serious relationship since being out. I guess I'm just not really sure how to handle these feelings and I don't want to push him away for something I know he isn't. Any advice would be great.

Hey Aurora! He sounds lovely and I can understand feeling a bit fearful that he's going to change or that you're missing any red flags, I think it's hard not to post abuse.

I think the best thing you can do is to continue to take it slowly and keep the communication lines really open ... if he does something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him (& vice versa). One thing that I find helps with these type of feelings is a support group ... the women in my support group meet weekly and if any of us are dating / in a new relationship we talk about our fears and/or concerns etc. Do you have a support group or anything like that?

Enjoy it! Good men are hard to find :nature-smiley-008:

PS I agree with MG, if he's into you he won't be pushed away :)

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((((((((MG)))))))))))) I love you but sometimes I feel like telling you to get out of my head LOL LOL LOL..

And you ladies are right. He is very in to me. He understands and is sooo patient. He will not do anything I'm uncomfortable with. I have voiced a few of my concerns over silly things and I've noticed instantly his stopping the behavior or treading more slowly. It's amazing to be in this kind of relationship with mutual feelings and the want to make someone comfortabel and happy. It's soo weird. I don't want to make him think he has to walk on egg shells around me either, but we have general conversations about things, no yelling or fighting and we both take each others words to heart. I never knew relationships could be like this.

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Just checking in with you guys. Things are still going amazingly well. Very patient man I have found. He is fantastic.

I love all you guys and think about you and check in from time to time even if I don't post.

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Just checking in with you guys. Things are still going amazingly well. Very patient man I have found. He is fantastic.

I love all you guys and think about you and check in from time to time even if I don't post.

((((((((((((((((((((AURORA)))))))))))))))))))))

thanks for checking in lovely lady!

I AM THRILLED FOR YOU!

*WARM HUGS*

MG :wub:

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Just checking in with you guys. Things are still going amazingly well. Very patient man I have found. He is fantastic.

He sounds wonderful. I hope things continue to go well; you so deserve it!!!!!!!

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I'm glad things continue to go well.

It feels so totally different when you develop a relationship with someone who is healthy. And even when there are issues, they get dealt with in a way that is respectful, constructive and loving.

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Hey everyone.. how's it all going?? I'm doing fantastic!!

I do have an issue I was hoping to get some clairty on though. Everyone who has read my posts knows that I'm still living with my sister and the issues that we have etc. I would describe it as unhealthy at best. Anywho, I have been staying over the boyfriends place most nights, he does have a roommate and a girlfriend that does stay there quite often enough. We all get a long real well. Recently my sister forgot to pay the electric bill, even though I am giving her money. So now the power was shut off and I sort of have to stay with my boyfriend. He was totally fine with it and actually asked if I wanted to move in permanently I could. Here is my dilemma. He is not forcing me, he just asked. Said it would not be a problem and would love having me there. Things do not feel pressured, rushed or even moving to fast. They still feel healthy. The issue arrises from my sister. I had promised her in the past to stay with her until her divorce was final and pay her rent to help her to get the divorce. Now that my life is turning around for the better and I have this fantastic man in my life, I don't want to put my life on hold for her. I told him I would think about it. So now I'm thinking about it. In my heart it feels right to be with him. Healthy, myself, in control, no pressure, so easy etc etc. Thinking about explaining this to my sister and not paying her anymore makes me feel guilty. I plan on discussing this with my boyfriend because he does understand most of what has gone on in my past, but I needed some extra advice first. Anything you guys can bring to the table would be appreciated.

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Hey everyone.. how's it all going?? I'm doing fantastic!!

I do have an issue I was hoping to get some clairty on though. Everyone who has read my posts knows that I'm still living with my sister and the issues that we have etc. I would describe it as unhealthy at best. Anywho, I have been staying over the boyfriends place most nights, he does have a roommate and a girlfriend that does stay there quite often enough. We all get a long real well. Recently my sister forgot to pay the electric bill, even though I am giving her money. So now the power was shut off and I sort of have to stay with my boyfriend. He was totally fine with it and actually asked if I wanted to move in permanently I could. Here is my dilemma. He is not forcing me, he just asked. Said it would not be a problem and would love having me there. Things do not feel pressured, rushed or even moving to fast. They still feel healthy. The issue arrises from my sister. I had promised her in the past to stay with her until her divorce was final and pay her rent to help her to get the divorce. Now that my life is turning around for the better and I have this fantastic man in my life, I don't want to put my life on hold for her. I told him I would think about it. So now I'm thinking about it. In my heart it feels right to be with him. Healthy, myself, in control, no pressure, so easy etc etc. Thinking about explaining this to my sister and not paying her anymore makes me feel guilty. I plan on discussing this with my boyfriend because he does understand most of what has gone on in my past, but I needed some extra advice first. Anything you guys can bring to the table would be appreciated.

AURORA??? how long have you been with this guy?? that concerns me....

*MG*

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Hey everyone.. how's it all going?? I'm doing fantastic!!

I do have an issue I was hoping to get some clairty on though. Everyone who has read my posts knows that I'm still living with my sister and the issues that we have etc. I would describe it as unhealthy at best. Anywho, I have been staying over the boyfriends place most nights, he does have a roommate and a girlfriend that does stay there quite often enough. We all get a long real well. Recently my sister forgot to pay the electric bill, even though I am giving her money. So now the power was shut off and I sort of have to stay with my boyfriend. He was totally fine with it and actually asked if I wanted to move in permanently I could. Here is my dilemma. He is not forcing me, he just asked. Said it would not be a problem and would love having me there. Things do not feel pressured, rushed or even moving to fast. They still feel healthy. The issue arrises from my sister. I had promised her in the past to stay with her until her divorce was final and pay her rent to help her to get the divorce. Now that my life is turning around for the better and I have this fantastic man in my life, I don't want to put my life on hold for her. I told him I would think about it. So now I'm thinking about it. In my heart it feels right to be with him. Healthy, myself, in control, no pressure, so easy etc etc. Thinking about explaining this to my sister and not paying her anymore makes me feel guilty. I plan on discussing this with my boyfriend because he does understand most of what has gone on in my past, but I needed some extra advice first. Anything you guys can bring to the table would be appreciated.

AURORA??? how long have you been with this guy?? that concerns me....

*MG*

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I know.. it seems fast to a lot of people, but 3 months we have been together. I'm still doing my own thing, making time for myself. He is doing his own thing making time for himself. We do spend a lot of time together. It's just easy and open. We discuss things freely. My family already loves him and haven't even met him yet. I think that is why I keep putting the breaks on is because of the whole "time" thing. But the feeling from my mind and my heart just feels like we are moving at the right pace.

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I know.. it seems fast to a lot of people, but 3 months we have been together. I'm still doing my own thing, making time for myself. He is doing his own thing making time for himself. We do spend a lot of time together. It's just easy and open. We discuss things freely. My family already loves him and haven't even met him yet. I think that is why I keep putting the breaks on is because of the whole "time" thing. But the feeling from my mind and my heart just feels like we are moving at the right pace.

IT IS TOO FAST...honey, I had the same feeling with KB...it seemed so perfect, so right...we talked, he didn't hold me back from my friends or living my life...

my gut is screaming here darlin' be very very very careful...

MY family, including my kids LOVED KB...he was amazing...to them, to me..

my spidey senses are tingling here....

*MG* :wub:

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I keep looking for my spidey senses. I guess because he was a friend of a friend who he has been friends with for a very long time, it didn't seem like he was a stranger at all. He has had the same roommate for over 10 years. A highschool friend, who he has remained friends with. He has many friends well over the 10 year mark. His brother even pulled me aside when I met him to find out what my intentions were because he was looking out for his brother saying his brother has a pure soul. He didn't want me taking advantage of him.

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I keep looking for my spidey senses. I guess because he was a friend of a friend who he has been friends with for a very long time, it didn't seem like he was a stranger at all. He has had the same roommate for over 10 years. A highschool friend, who he has remained friends with. He has many friends well over the 10 year mark. His brother even pulled me aside when I met him to find out what my intentions were because he was looking out for his brother saying his brother has a pure soul. He didn't want me taking advantage of him.

I am just wary of the speed...

but that isn't what you were asking about..sorry ;)

MY two cents is to give it 3 more months of dating before moving in...

*HUGS*

MG :wub:

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That was my original plan. His lease is up in February and that was what I was banking on February!! He understood when I told him in the beginning that I wanted to wait until then :) Thanks MG. I think I was just second guessing my first decision because of things going south with the sister again of course LOL

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That was my original plan. His lease is up in February and that was what I was banking on February!! He understood when I told him in the beginning that I wanted to wait until then :) Thanks MG. I think I was just second guessing my first decision because of things going south with the sister again of course LOL

FEBRUARY sounds great! lots of time to continue to explore the relationship...

the first 6 months to a year are the honeymoon period, after that things get REAL...

be cautious about how much you share about your history honey...THOSE things came back to bite me in the donkey in my relationship with KB......

I TRUSTED him with so much, I was so vulnerable, and he used all that information to continually hurt and control me...

*MG*

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Hey Guys,

Just checking in. I'm doing fabulous. Being away from my family is a god send. I did not take your advice MG :ph34r: but I'm glad that I didn't. Let me just say that it wont work for everyone but it works for us. We get along so well. Almost six months. We had our bumps and he is not perfect but he tries. He listens to me and respects me and tries to understand when I have my moments. I wish this for all of you that want to be in a relationship.

I'm glad to hear that a lot of you guys are doing well. I do check in from time to time to keep up with the crew. I wish you all peace love and happiness

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Just checking in. I'm doing fabulous. Being away from my family is a god send. I did not take your advice MG :ph34r: but I'm glad that I didn't. Let me just say that it wont work for everyone but it works for us. We get along so well. Almost six months. We had our bumps and he is not perfect but he tries. He listens to me and respects me and tries to understand when I have my moments. I wish this for all of you that want to be in a relationship.

YEAH FOR YOU AURORA!!!!!

I am thrilled to hear that you have found a loving supportive relationship!!!! the beautiful thing about ADVICE is that it is just one persons perspective, and you can take that in and weigh it with your reality and make a decision based on your own instincts and perspectives! I am so glad you are happy!

Please keep us posted, it is so great for ME to see and hear that others are doing well! and what a healthy relationship LOOKS like, yanno?

*BIG SQUISHY HUGS*

MG :nature-smiley-008:

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Squishy hugs to you too!! You know, a few years ago I would have thought well you told me what I had to do so I have to listen to you. Its amazing to realize how far I've come. I listened to your advice and chose my own path. Growth is great stuff!!

I honestly never thought I would find something so healthy. This is beyond my wildest dreams. He helps me notice things in my own time and realize when something is unhealthy. He never criticizes my thoughts or my family but lets me come to terms with things on my own time. Amazing stuff I must say. :animal-smiley-040:

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You know, a few years ago I would have thought well you told me what I had to do so I have to listen to you.

I was like this too for many years.......

I am so glad you are PAST all that!

*HUGS*

MG :nature-smiley-008:

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Hello to everyone who is still around that remember me. I am so happy to see those doing so well, and others continue to find this safe harbor. I have been checking in occasionally to see how things are going. I am doing fabulously well. That "guy I was dating" well he is now my husband of almost 3 years. We are deliriously happy. We are that couple that make people sick (sorry). He actually made me believe in soulmates. We have truly open conversations about everything. Even when I internalize and try not to talk to him he calls me on my BS and says hey we are a team here and we discuss all our hopes and fears. Its honestly unreal and amazing. No one is perfect obviously, so he doesn't get a free pass with everything. I just smile for no reason on any given day. I have a decent job that pays the bills, I wish it kept my mind more occupied but I have other interests to keep me busy. I joined a gym and have been going there when my mind gets muddled (most times unless I have a lazy day, week or month). The exercise really does help to clear things up. I am officially not talking with my father almost 2 years now, and honestly another good person to not be speaking with. He was probably the first abuser I have ever encountered that set me down this path. My sister and I have had our battles and she actually is going through the same journey I went through. I recently took a step back from her, again. Things were becoming too entwined and my focus was becoming more and more on helping her with her journey instead of focusing on my life. She is still confused as to why I did that, well this is the first time I am doing it with her and taking a stand for myself and to continue being healthy.  Its sad, but its a step that needs to be taken until she figures out her path and her journey without my intervention.

 

I wanted to say hi to everyone and another thank you. Without this website honestly I don't know where I would be today. I had no idea what was wrong with my life, but I knew something was not right.  I have learned so much and I appreciate everyone who took the time to offer their advice or even the time to read my posts and give me a mental hug when I needed it.  I may not be around on a daily basis, but everyone here travels with me as I continue my journey and to set my boundary's (and reset them, and reset them). I wish you all peace and love and most of all hope in your journey. xoxox

 

Aurora  

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Aurora,

    Congrats on your new marriage and what a great update! Sounds like you are doing well to remember to take care of yourself. Big Hugs!

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