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Quaddie

Apologies

37 posts in this topic

Hi everyone, I'm new here (I hope the British spelling doesn't bother you too much) but already feel such a strong connection to all who have been through this experience. It feels so weird and liberating to finally be able to express myself about issues most people would not understand.

I'm the same with apologies; it's like I dread bothering people, taking too much of their time and attention; obviously you know the culprit for this: my abusive ex, who has made me feel for seven long years like I did not deserve his time. A few months ago I finally realised (and told him) how odd it was that as his partner I would always say ''I'm sorry'', or ''excuse me'' before addressing him. He has trained me very well to be wary of bothering him. When we were living together his eyes were almost always glued to something (the computer screen or a book) so when I would attempt to speak to him I would always bother him from some activity. He had no set family time, though rarely there were some exceptions when we hung out and talked (always while he was drinking and felt talkative; he could barely spare a word when sober).

My father, well my family in general, also says I say ''thank you'' too often, usually multiple times for the same thing. That is a result of me living with Mr Wonderful as well. As he rarely ever helped me out around the house, I would perceive every such ''incident'' of benevolence, albeit a trifle, with immense gratitude, which was obviously abnormal. What most women would see as normal for their partners to do I would see as a huge favour.

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I'm posting here as the title of this thread is ''apologies''. And although the meaning of this thread is ''apologies not needed'', mine, however, are very appropriate.

Thank you very much for your support and please forgive me for taking time and attention from people who were/ are in a truly dangerous or harmful situation, either physically or psychologically. I really don't meet the criteria (and probably never have).

I haven't lied on this forum; not purposely anyway, aside from sharing some erroneous conclusions I truly believed to be accurate at the time. I have told my variation of what the truth was at that precise moment. And more often than not, one's variation of the truth is only half of the story, no matter how vehemently one believes it at the time of sharing it. People see the world and others through their own lens I guess. Right now I'm in the process of meditating about my ''lens'' and how accurate or skewed they are.

The facts I have relayed here are all true; however, I have come to understand that life and people can rarely be seen in black and white, if ever.

Psychology is sometimes useful as it helps us make sense of behavioural patterns which trouble us, in ourselves or others; that gives us comfort and a feeling we understand those around us. But it hasn't deciphered human beings to the extent it claims; there has to be something more to this life, some higher meaning. Even though we might feel at times that it's easier to simplify reality; it is not simple at all. If quantum physics can prove tangible reality is actually unstable, even more so is volatile human behaviour, subject to so much interpretation. Not to say that there aren't acts which cannot (or should not) be subject to interpretation. I'm not in support of moral relativity to the extent of saying nothing is right or wrong. Just that I have gone too far trying to label, demonise and push people out of my life.

I haven't met any monsters. Some of you have. I've met people with many quirks and issues, but (I think) no real evil intentions. Though some things puzzle me more than others. The thing is, I have quirks and issues as well, perhaps more of them than I care to admit.

The behaviours I wrote about were real and bad enough to be painful, even terribly upsetting at times. But in the end, 95% of my reality is in my own head; as an adult I can choose what to be affected by or not be, respectively, to extent of being able to create a positive atmosphere around me. If a person can react differently to a stimulus although that stimulus remains the same (which I have experienced), I have some power over my life. The other day I was listening to someone talk about the causes of anger - a really obnoxious guy, but he made sense at times - listing one of them as the refusal of others to adhere to one's system of moral values.

Hence I figured this needed looking into. After a short while of meditation, I realised I was expecting the unattainable in terms of compatibility from people who:

- Were from a different generation;

- Were from a different country and culture;

- Had been brought up in a completely different environment;

- Had had a totally different life experience from mine etc.

I'm talking of course about the people who I thought were abusing me.

Although they have doubtlessly displayed some (very) abusive behaviour at times, labeling them as abusers was, I believe, totally unjust on my part. For the users of this forum it's very easy to draw the same conclusion I had about them, by receiving the black-or-white data on them from me.

The obnoxious guy was right; no two people have identical life experiences and hence identical moral values. There are nuances to everything according to the chances people are given in life (education, travelling, cultural resources, spirituality etc), the influences they are exposed to, their genetic inheritance and the family they grow up in. And many more. My point being, I think, no two people, regardless of the relationship they have, are ever 100% compatible. That is Utopian. It's a dream. People are way too different. They connect - fully connect - for brief instants, sharing intense and beautiful moments in time, but not forever.

Understanding that gives so much clarity to my situation (mine alone, not anyone else's).

Sorry for getting overly philosophical about this. My reflection on human nature is genuine, not self-serving in order to obtain enough psychological comfort to reconnect with my so-called abusers.

We are all different. We see the world differently, including ourselves, our lives, our chances, each event, each day and each moment. I suppose Zen masters - and true Christians, who I believe are very few and sense I will never reach the level of - manage to apply that at all times. My heart is often so small and petty, so selfish, so defensive, so touchy, so rigid in its expectations. And other times so understanding, loving and brave. And everything in between, I guess. :)

The descriptions I gave of these people were incomplete. Unfair. Selective.

If someone selected my failures and outbursts and compiled them into a forum post, without lying at all, people would say I was a really cr..ppy human being. The power of selective information, I guess.

Lastly, a big thank you to the administration of this forum, for allowing users to delete the threads they open (most forums don't allow that, as I'm sure everyone knows).

I wish you all the best.

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I think a lot of us - when trying to decide, "Is it really that bad?" "Do I need to leave?" - do a sort of negotiating-with-self thing, where we think "I can handle the situation if I just ______" (fill in the blank)

In reality, the truth outs eventually. Things that aren't tolerable don't get tolerable by trying to change one's mind about them. Or by being told - even by oneself - or by believing - that their perspectives are skewed or inaccurate.

It's true that no couple is 100% compatible, but that doesn't mean that if a person is unhappy, they should stay. Couples break up all the time even if there is no abuse, for any of a billion reasons. No rationalization necessary. In fact, rationalization for unhappiness (i.e. attacking one's own expectations of compatibility where there are cultural or other differences) points to a problem. It doesn't absolve the problems, but rather highlights that the issues exist.

I don't think you're a crappy human being. I think you're going through some stuff right now. And you are always welcome back.

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Sometime it takes hard things to be said before we truly hear. So many people are worried about offence and it kind removes resolve. I have been chatting here a while and I have not found anything offensive or off the charts. If so I do see a bunch of people that can speak for themselves. Amazing how I wish so many places could just talk as plane as we do here. Must be a Narcissistic free zone. :-)

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Quaddie

Thank you for posting.

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Two thumbs way up!!!!!

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This is something I do quite frequently in everyday. Life almost every sentence I say ends up followed by sorry. It's comforting to know it's not just me. I will work on it.

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I SOOOO love this thread, Quaddie! :) It's something that I feel strongly about, too - and gently correct my friends when I hear them apologizing for just being... :)

Have y'all seen this campaign?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p73-30lE-XE

This is not directed at anyone in particular - just something I've noticed and decided to address all at once.

Empowering You About...
APOLOGIES IN THE FORUM

Please don't apologize for...

...posting a long post or a lot of words.
We are all free people, and if we don't want to read, we won't. Nobody is forcing us. smile.gif

...posting too frequently.
Again, we are all free people. We read what we want. And we've probably all had periods of posting a lot.

...posting too INfrequently, or being absent from the board.
There's no rule about how frequently or infrequently one is required to post. It's all up to you and your needs. If you need to take a break, nobody here is going to be angry at you or judge you for not being present. If you are known to be in a dangerous situation, people might worry - but YOUR job is to attend to your life, not appease others. It's okay to tend to your life and your needs, even IF others might worry.

...starting threads without responding supportively to many or any other members' threads.
There's no rule that you have to support others in order to receive support. It's not about "giving to get" here. You don't have to pay into the pot in order to take from it.

...talking about the same issues repeatedly.
Sometimes we feel the need to talk about the same things over and over in order to work through them. Some people might not like it, but they have the power to NOT read. It's their choice. So if you need to post, go ahead and post. Even if you don't please everyone, it's still your right to post.

...disagreeing.
It's your right to disagree, as long as it's posed respectfully.

In general, women especially tend to be overly apologetic for having opinions, thinking, feeling, doing...being... and especially, imo, abused women have this issue. Apologizing is a way we weaken ourselves and our messages in the eyes of others. Sometimes it's done on purpose to try to put others "at ease" - so as not to seem too strong, or b|tchy, or intimidating. Sometimes it's an unconscious self-negating behavior.

I have declared a moratorium on unnecessary apologizing for myself, and I hope to raise awareness in others about this, as well.

Toodle-oo! And I'm not sorry for this post!

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I posted something very similar recently (not as long lol) without having read Quaddie's post or this thread - great minds think alike :cheeky-smiley-005:

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:clap: Forever this best post ever

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I think a lot of us - when trying to decide, "Is it really that bad?" "Do I need to leave?" - do a sort of negotiating-with-self thing, where we think "I can handle the situation if I just ______" (fill in the blank)

In reality, the truth outs eventually. Things that aren't tolerable don't get tolerable by trying to change one's mind about them. Or by being told - even by oneself - or by believing - that their perspectives are skewed or inaccurate.

I agree completely. I actually made a list of every single little or big thing that my "family" did for me. Dropped off soup when I was sick. Gave me a room to stay in so I didn't have to go back to my actual home or be left out on the street. Tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.

I published that list for them, gave it to them, and apologized profusely for what I did, and I told them, "I will not longer ask you for any extra time to spend with me."

I also made a list of "everything I will not do or believe because of my depression", and it was based off of exactly what they told me I was doing wrong, and I believed them. They read the list, and signed off on it. When I showed others later, they could hardly believe how manipulated and pathetic a document it was for my "parents" to have given approval on, after I told them I am having a hard time trusting myself to know the truth.

The list, if I were to type it up, was full of...cover up.

They brought you soup....but immediately left.

They tucked you in and ran away to the computer without giving you a minute to speak for the first time all day.

They kissed your forehead goodnight but shoved you away as soon as mom's foot was heard on the step, as if it were something so awfully wrong.

I was no longer allowed to request time with them.

I couldn't be hurt or upset if they wouldn't see me in awhile, or turned down an invite to come over and visit, or told me I may not come home a certain night.

Things that didn't add up, didn't make sense, and no matter how much I tried to discuss what they meant, what was wrong, they lied and said they would, but never did.

No matter how much I try to blame myself, or try to say "Ah, but how off could the situation be? They gave you a key to the house!"

It's all in the details.

The lack of real life interaction.

The lack of conversation.

The obviously contrasting words and actions.

The fact that I always felt I had to defend how little time they spent with me, and how much time their daughter and I were together.

It was not a good situation.

It doesn't make them Hitler.

It doesn't mean you need to hate them and never forgive them.

It doesn't mean they aren't good people to others and have helped others.

It simply means they are NOT good for you.

And you must take care of yourself, and get out.

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