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Quaddie

Apologies

37 posts in this topic

This is not directed at anyone in particular - just something I've noticed and decided to address all at once.

Empowering You About...

APOLOGIES IN THE FORUM

Please don't apologize for...

...posting a long post or a lot of words.

We are all free people, and if we don't want to read, we won't. Nobody is forcing us. :)

...posting too frequently.

Again, we are all free people. We read what we want. And we've probably all had periods of posting a lot.

...posting too INfrequently, or being absent from the board.

There's no rule about how frequently or infrequently one is required to post. It's all up to you and your needs. If you need to take a break, nobody here is going to be angry at you or judge you for not being present. If you are known to be in a dangerous situation, people might worry - but YOUR job is to attend to your life, not appease others. It's okay to tend to your life and your needs, even IF others might worry.

...starting threads without responding supportively to many or any other members' threads.

There's no rule that you have to support others in order to receive support. It's not about "giving to get" here. You don't have to pay into the pot in order to take from it.

...talking about the same issues repeatedly.

Sometimes we feel the need to talk about the same things over and over in order to work through them. Some people might not like it, but they have the power to NOT read. It's their choice. So if you need to post, go ahead and post. Even if you don't please everyone, it's still your right to post.

...disagreeing.

It's your right to disagree, as long as it's posed respectfully.

In general, women especially tend to be overly apologetic for having opinions, thinking, feeling, doing...being... and especially, imo, abused women have this issue. Apologizing is a way we weaken ourselves and our messages in the eyes of others. Sometimes it's done on purpose to try to put others "at ease" - so as not to seem too strong, or b|tchy, or intimidating. Sometimes it's an unconscious self-negating behavior.

I have declared a moratorium on unnecessary apologizing for myself, and I hope to raise awareness in others about this, as well.

Toodle-oo! And I'm not sorry for this post!

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This is not directed at anyone in particular - just something I've noticed and decided to address all at once.

Empowering You About...

APOLOGIES IN THE FORUM

Please don't apologize for...

...posting a long post or a lot of words.

We are all free people, and if we don't want to read, we won't. Nobody is forcing us. :)

...posting too frequently.

Again, we are all free people. We read what we want. And we've probably all had periods of posting a lot.

...posting too INfrequently, or being absent from the board.

There's no rule about how frequently or infrequently one is required to post. It's all up to you and your needs. If you need to take a break, nobody here is going to be angry at you or judge you for not being present. If you are known to be in a dangerous situation, people might worry - but YOUR job is to attend to your life, not appease others. It's okay to tend to your life and your needs, even IF others might worry.

...starting threads without responding supportively to many or any other members' threads.

There's no rule that you have to support others in order to receive support. It's not about "giving to get" here. You don't have to pay into the pot in order to take from it.

...talking about the same issues repeatedly.

Sometimes we feel the need to talk about the same things over and over in order to work through them. Some people might not like it, but they have the power to NOT read. It's their choice. So if you need to post, go ahead and post. Even if you don't please everyone, it's still your right to post.

...disagreeing.

It's your right to disagree, as long as it's posed respectfully.

In general, women especially tend to be overly apologetic for having opinions, thinking, feeling, doing...being... and especially, imo, abused women have this issue. Apologizing is a way we weaken ourselves and our messages in the eyes of others. Sometimes it's done on purpose to try to put others "at ease" - so as not to seem too strong, or b|tchy, or intimidating. Sometimes it's an unconscious self-negating behavior.

I have declared a moratorium on unnecessary apologizing for myself, and I hope to raise awareness in others about this, as well.

Toodle-oo! And I'm not sorry for this post!

GREAT POST QUAD!!

WORD !!!!

*MG*

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I once had a conversation with my sister that went something like this...

Blackbird: When does your flight get in?

Sis: Not until 10 pm.

Blackbird: Oh, that's too bad. I won't be able to pick you up. I'm sorry.

Sis: What are you sorry about? Mom can pick me up.

Blackbird: Oh, good. I'm sorry I can't be there. I'll see you tomorrow?

Sis: Sure. But stop doing that.

Blackbird: What?

Sis: Saying you're sorry all of the time!

Blackbird: Oh. Sorry!

Sis: You did it again!

Blackbird: What? Oh.... /facepalm

I have declared a moratorium on unnecessary apologizing for myself, and I hope to raise awareness in others about this, as well.

This is something that I'm much more conscious of now; a number of people have brought it to my attention.

I think, after living for so long with someone who makes you feel so completely incompetent and constantly at fault, it just becomes your natural response to things. And to be honest, I got to a point where I didn't even "hear" it anymore.

It's sometimes uncomfortable, but I'm trying to express how I feel about things...minus the apologies. It's not my job to make people feel comfortable with what I have to say. What a revelation!

Anyway, this is a fantastic post, Quad.

Thank you,

Recovering Apologizer

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Sometimes at work, I need to edit and re-edit an email I'm typing 2, 3, 4, 5 times to get rid of all the apologies and self-deprecation.

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Wonderful post Quad!

It is such a good reminder for all of us that I wonder if we should pin it so that it's always visible.

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Wonderful post Quad!

It is such a good reminder for all of us that I wonder if we should pin it so that it's always visible.

I LOVE THAT IDEA!!!

*MG*

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Awesome, Quad!

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Just got out my pins! Great post!

ETA: back to unpinned for a bit, per request. :)

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Awesome post quad!!!

Its aomething that I am guilty of I must admit.

I even apologised to the midwife when I was in labour with my youngest!!!!

To me its all a part of my personal growth changing old, bad habits.

Joanne

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I knew someone would post something like that sooner or later! Every time I felt compelled to apologize (for one of those reasons), I could imagine someone responding, "Why are you saying sorry for that - there must be rocks in your head." Then I would feel like apologizing for apologizing!

Quad, thanks for putting it on the table and declaring apologies not necessary! Not for those reasons anyway. They're not apology-worthy.

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omg....I always apologize for my post lengths. After posting on a game forum (totally different context than this one) I automatically assume all posts need to be smaller than one paragraph because it annoys people! So the first thing I think when I get to the second paragraph is "I'm so sorry I'm using up everyone's time reading through my crazy textwall rants!"

I also frequently apologize for double posting (another game forum etiquette I was taught....)

Now I have to rethink this because I know I'm always apologizing for myself. I've become increasingly aware of this as a mom because I don't want to apologize for my kids NORMAL behavior and make them think I'm upset or embarrassed of them, but its my learned nature to constantly apologize and I don't want to do that to them.

Thank you for pointing this out Quad.

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It was great to read that Quad as it made me realise it's OK to post anytime. I hold back a bit because I don't want to 'bore' everyone with my endless predictable saga but you made me see it's up to others to read what they will, respond to what they will and that they are under no obligation to do either. I have to also say that sometimes I feel like my situation is a bit lame compared to many others here. I was not married to the abuser, did not live with him, share no children with him and had only been with him for 2.5 years. I feel like I'm not that badly off. Maybe sometimes I don't feel as worthy of the magnificent support available here as many others. But I am very badly scarred and need the support all the same. Staying away from him is the hardest thing I've ever done. Total traumatic attachment.

Thank you.

Briss

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Thanks for posting this - I don't post often, and sometimes feel that I have no 'right' to offer my tuppence-worth as I don't respond to many posts.

If I can forgive myself for this, I'll probably respond more - though I often don't because my thoughts are so fast and my typing so slow it comes out sounding nonsensical. Besides, by the time I've thought out my answer many others have given such wonderful, well thought out responses that my offering looks a bit pathetic.

But maybe I should just add my pathetic few words anyway - every little helps, as they say!

Thanks Quad

Di

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omg....I always apologize for my post lengths. After posting on a game forum (totally different context than this one) I automatically assume all posts need to be smaller than one paragraph because it annoys people! So the first thing I think when I get to the second paragraph is "I'm so sorry I'm using up everyone's time reading through my crazy textwall rants!"

I also frequently apologize for double posting (another game forum etiquette I was taught....)

Now I have to rethink this because I know I'm always apologizing for myself. I've become increasingly aware of this as a mom because I don't want to apologize for my kids NORMAL behavior and make them think I'm upset or embarrassed of them, but its my learned nature to constantly apologize and I don't want to do that to them.

Thank you for pointing this out Quad.

As soon as I read Quads thread, I thought of you imediately Noob! :nature-smiley-008:

And BTW I always read your threads, sometimes I have nothing really to offer and if its in the morning when I'm getting ready for work/school, I know I have to wait until later to read it, but PLEASE don't ever feel that way, or anybody else on this board either!

I thinks its definately part of the good girl syndrome!

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Quad :wub:

Awesome post. I sometimes feel bad if I don't post for a while....or don't keep up with everyone's happenings...now I guess I don't need to....also thrilled to see your post is gonna be pinned.. you on fire girl!

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I just read this--very helpful post, Quad!

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Yes, excellent observation, Quad.

Now, if only I can get it to apply to me...

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Toodle-oo! And I'm not sorry for this post!

:lol::animal-smiley-040:

Toodle-oo to you too!

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Late to the party. It is a great post Quad with some important messages that do often get repeated on here. No one has thought to bring them together in one post before. Thank you. :)

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Amen for this post Quad!

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Yes. a colleague at works often picks me up on saying "sorry" all the time.

For me, I absolutely hate to get things wrong and therefore will do everything in my power to rectify a situation so as not to inconvenience others. By the same token, i do realise that mistakes are a fact of life.

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It's sometimes uncomfortable, but I'm trying to express how I feel about things...minus the apologies. It's not my job to make people feel comfortable with what I have to say. What a revelation!

Anyway, this is a fantastic post, Quad.

Thank you,

Recovering Apologizer

Awesome post Quad and I really love your 'a ha' 'lightbulb' moment here BB.

Thanx for sharing this with us. :D

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Really great post, Quad! It's a good thing to bring to people's attention. My poor DIL apologizes ALL the time and I've been trying to help her break that habit. My DH used to apologize too much, but he's gotten much better about that.

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that makes soooo much sense, some apologizing is just self depreciating, when my hubby comes home i need to keep this in mind, i say sorry to much and i ask him "are you ok?" waaaaaaaaay too much, orare you feeling ok?" uuuuuuggghhhhhh! he was always in some }mood{ and it affected me soooo greatly, i just DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DETCH FROM ALLOWING HIM TO BRING ME DOWN AND IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOANGERING AND FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!! when he is in an uncaring and zombie mood, bad mood HOW do i just ignore it and contiue on with my day to day life? he rules the roost and i hate it with out him i feel like i am free to just go about my life peacefuly i don't want him back but i feel i have no choice anymore, i have a recurring thot "i wish he would just go commit suicide" it would simplify my life somuch if he knew i was feeling thi way he would say"you are so cruel, i would never say that to you, not in a million years!!! or even think it, i have exterme thots all the time and i wondr if i am turning into a bad person at times, my life is so turbulent, we have one good wek one bad week back forth, when i get the order recinded he will have no compunction to NOT emotionally abuse me, verbally abuse me, psychologically abuse me, i don't think he will EVER do anything to land in jail again like he did but all the other stuff is not actually againt the law how am i gonna cope?

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OMG!! I apologize constantly. For everything! Things that I didnt even do wrong or have nothing at all to do with. I am making a conscious effort to stop doing this. I have been totally unaware, but I see it so clearly now. This is very helpful.

THNAK YOU. (Is thank you ok? ... I say that a lot too!...)

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