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Shalimar

Being abandoned in public places

26 posts in this topic

I'm posting this partly to document it for me, and partly to see how common this is.

The Failed Dementor frequently used to walk out on me when we went out. I'd think he had gone to the loo and be left sitting, waiting for him to return. After a while I'd realise that, once again, he had gone off and left me sitting on my own like a pratt.

Other walk outs were more dramatic.

Here are a few highlights:-

We went away for the weekend and booked into a Bed & Breakfast place for the night - he wouldn't go to the hotel overlooking the sea because he said it was too expensive. We went for a drink before going for a meal. In the pub, at the bar, he met an elderly gentleman who used to live in the same city as us, and spoke to him for several minutes about how things used to be in the past. Later I went to the loo and chatted with the same man on the way back to our table. TFD could see me, and who I was talking to. When I got back to the table TFD had a go about me leaving him alone at the table then walked out. It was November, freezing cold, stormy and raining. I didn't know where he had gone so went back to the B & B. TFD did not come back all night or answer his phone. The next morning I rang him and he said he was in the expensive hotel. So I spent all night worrying over nothing.

Another time - I was on crutches following a leg injury and hadn't been out for 2 months - apart from my mother's funeral 2 weeks before. We went to our local pub and met up with a load of his friends. Because he was with me and I felt safe I had a few drinks. Something set him off and he walked out, so I was left a bit tipsy, on crutches and pretty wobbly emotionally as my mother had recently died. It took a while before I realised he had gone. I didn't tell the friends as I didn't want to make a fuss. I had to get a taxi home alone. I don't think I've ever felt so physically or emotionally vulnerable as I did that night.

Another example - we had gone with a group of friends to see a very good band. It included brothers (aged about 40) who were amazing banjo and mandoline players who's father had been a famous musician who had taught them from childhood. At the end of the night I said to TFD, who had recently started learning banjo, how amazing the banjo player was and that it wasn't possible to get that good because they had been playing from childhood and he hadn't started learning until he was 55. I didn't say it in an aggressive way or mean it as a put down - it was a statement of fact although tactless. That was it - he was off, leaving me to explain to the friends where he had gone.

Last one - we were camping at a (very small - maybe 200 people) Biker Rally where we both knew loads of people. I'd seen the last band before and knew they were really good. We had both been drinking since early evening and were tired. TFD didn't want to stay to hear the band - he wanted to go back to the tent. I said I'd stay for the first couple of numbers then join him, which I did. As I walked back to the tent I suddenly thought "I've got a 50/50 chance of him being there". Guess what - no sign of him and his car was gone - luckily I'd taken my car as I'd arrived first. As he was drunk I was very worried about him driving. The next morning I was left to pack up the tent etc on my own and boy was it windy!! He said he had driven to the other side of the field and slept in the car, then left about 6am to drive home.

Is this behaviour part of The Abuser's Handbook? Anyone got similar stories?

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It's really cruel (((((Shalimar))))) - being left somewhere like that without knowing what had happened to him either... He really liked playing games with you and rejecting you and then still expecting you to want to be with him afterwards? It's really kind of childish of him - isn't it. It's like he's doing it to you to see if you really care about him - and that he wanted to hurt you (esp when you were vulnerable physically and injured).

The Slack wouldn't actually abandon me at things - but he would always turn up excessively late - so i would be there to meet him, but he wouldn't be there when he said he would be there and I would be left to my own devices in a foreign environment knowing noone, or whatever. He would always set me up to wait for him....

He would also exclude me in front of others - eg our families were having dinner at this restaurant and it was for my birthday, he proceeded to sit with his back to me and I was left to chat to my mother and his sister just opposite me, and he dominated the whole table from himself down the other end -which included his mother, father, my sister and her husband, and his other sister and my brother. He sat in a way which blocked me from the whole table. It's hard to explain, but there was absolutely no way I could join the conversation. At one stage I got up and went to the bathroom, sad and just couldn't understand what he was doing. When I came back I sat down and it was all just the same. He was being so rude - exluding my mother as well - and his other sister. when I tried talking to him about it later on - he said 'I thought you could handle yourself!'. As if I couldn't handle myself at the table communicating or something - or I needed 'looking after'. What an absolute arse!

He would also just not come with me to functions that we had been invited to... eg weddings in particular for people that were my friends (or my brother's wedding), other parties, he would just say he didn't want to come, he didn't know the people, or whatever - and just wouldn't come. He would go to his friends weddings or funerals, etc - and I always went as his partner... even people he didn't really know that well - who were HIS aquaintances.

So he didn't need to abandon me at places like what's happened to you - he would abandon me in other ways.

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I was never quite in that situation Shalimar but what a childish thing to do! The closest I ever came to that senario is we were traveling to the airport to pick my mother up (we had to go quite a ways) My twins were still babies in their infant car seats. We were late and traffic was getting heavy on the highway. Xhole went into a rage! He started to weave in and out of cars and diving crazy doing like 85- 90 miles an hour and it was raining. The more I begged him to stop the worse he got. I pleaded with him to think of the babies and he started making fun of me, mimicking me. I started to cry and then he pulled over and screamed at me to get out. He opened the passenger side and was trying to push me. I was screaming and our dog (in the car with us) was barking his head off. Then we heard a cop car whoop his siren and xhole stopped. The cop car kept going but it was enough to make him stop. I told him my mother always brings a book and to just relax. (not everyone had cell phones yet and we didn't) The next day he brought me flowers but never said he was sorry. Am I an idiot or what? Anyway the behavior is similar really. They are really just infantile.

XXXX ((((Shalimar)))))

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I think that is something that is reasonably common for abusers.

x didn't generally totally abandon me but he would never walk with me and would disappear into the crowd when we were out.

He did disappear on me when we were away on holiday at a theme park. We were with a group. Pre mobile phone days. I went to the toilet with him waiting outside. I came out within a couple of minutes and there was no sign of him. I waited and waited but he did not come back. I had no idea where he or the others were. I tried looking around but couldn't find them. I wondered if they had decided to leave so I went out to where the car was but they were not there either. I was then stuck outside unable to get in the car either. They finally showed up a couple of hours later and of course it was all my fault. I should have read his mind to know where they went. He was angry with me for being upset. Never mind I was abandoned hundreds of miles from home. I was too upset at the time to think about it but I do wonder what he told the others to explain me not being there or did they actually not even notice.

I have heard of some people being totally abandoned in foreign countries where they did not speak the language. Others have been left beside roads nowhere near home.

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x didn't generally totally abandon me but he would never walk with me and would disappear into the crowd when we were out.

That was my experience, as well, when we were in public places. Often times, he'd just vanish, while I was trying to herd three young boys and make excuses for his behavior to whomever we were with. Most often though, he would disappear while we were at home or at a hotel. If he was angry, he would up and disappear for hours, sometimes late into the night, without telling me where he was or letting me know that he was okay. And if he detected the slightest trace of annoyance on my part, HE would get angry with ME! WTF?!!!

I'm sorry, Shal. What he did was unbelievably cold. :hug005: I'm so glad that you don't have to deal with that anymore.

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O-boy i have a massive list of my 1st abuser abandoning me in public places!

Yes, it's definately out of "The abusers Handbook".

My 1st abuser was the terrorist and the drill sargent.

We went out to dinner one night. He was drunk. He walked infront of me into the resturant and flicked a palm leaf in my face right infront of a heap of USA marine having dinner. I felt so humiliated and hurt that i said to him, hey you just flicked that in my face, it was embarrasing for me in front of those guys.

We ate dinner and he was giving me the silent treament. We left.

I kept asking him, what's wrong walking back to the car - big mistake. He then exploded screaming,

"YOUR NOTHING BUT A FVCK-ING HOAR, FVCK OFF WITH YOUR USA MARINES YOU SLUT". He then walked off.

He screamed this in front of families with children, everyone on the street heard it.

I walked to the car, shacking and crying, and drove home.

Hours later he turned up in a taxi. Then told me how much he hated USA marines.

------------------------

Another time we were snorkeling out on the Great Barrier Reef. I saw a reef shark so i grabbed him and pointed it out to him - i was excited! He said "fvck off" in an angry voice and swam away from me :(

I just snorkelled by myself because he disappeared for a few hours. I then saw him back on the boat.

------------------------

Another time we went on a weekend vacation. We were having drinks at a cool bar (he was drunk), out of the blue he yelled "fvck off i'm going to move here and you will never see me again". Then disappeared for hours. I tried to find him but couldn't so i left. I then found him wondering the street and told him to get in a taxi with me to go home. He did then did the "i'm sorry i'm so messed up - crying to me for hours".

-------------------------

We were out clubbing one night. We were both waiting in the taxi line. He yelled at me "fvck off". This time i did and i walked for 2 hours to get home. I was so pissed off with him for yelling at me in front of the whole taxi line. When he got home (early hours of the morning) i woke up because he was talking to someone. I got up and he was drinking with another women in our kitchen. I grabbed the alcohol can out of his hand and pegged it at his chest. I was so upset that he brought another women home, while i was a sleep. I cried myself back to sleep. The next day he made me scrub his shirt to get the stain that i made from throwing the drink at him.

Thats guy was such a loser. He is the guy that now has the new girlfriend 10 years younger than him (she is only 20 years old). This is what she has to look forward too. I hope she leave him the second that he tells her to f-off.

(((((Shalimar))))) so sorry you had to go through this abandonment too.

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I was never quite in that situation Shalimar but what a childish thing to do! The closest I ever came to that senario is we were traveling to the airport to pick my mother up (we had to go quite a ways) My twins were still babies in their infant car seats. We were late and traffic was getting heavy on the highway. Xhole went into a rage! He started to weave in and out of cars and diving crazy doing like 85- 90 miles an hour and it was raining. The more I begged him to stop the worse he got. I pleaded with him to think of the babies and he started making fun of me, mimicking me. I started to cry and then he pulled over and screamed at me to get out. He opened the passenger side and was trying to push me. I was screaming and our dog (in the car with us) was barking his head off. Then we heard a cop car whoop his siren and xhole stopped. The cop car kept going but it was enough to make him stop. I told him my mother always brings a book and to just relax. (not everyone had cell phones yet and we didn't) The next day he brought me flowers but never said he was sorry. Am I an idiot or what? Anyway the behavior is similar really. They are really just infantile.

XXXX ((((Shalimar)))))

That is just terrifying, im so sorry you and your babies had to go through that!

I have a horrible experience too while in the car with my 1st abuser. I was driving his car at 70km/hour. We were chating away and i asked him why he hasnt noticed my hair was getting really long (because someone had just said to me wow your hair is sooooo long now). Well his reaction to my question was to put his fist through the windscreen while i was driving at 70km/hr. I instantly slambed on the brakes and got off the road. Thankgod no one ran into me with their car. The whole passenger side of the screen cracked like a big spider's web. I was in shock but somehow managed to drive home with him still in the car.

I never ever again asked him about my hair.

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Thorium, my ex's fave expression was "fvck off" as well, in fact it was the last thing he got to scream at me.

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Thorium, my ex's fave expression was "fvck off" as well, in fact it was the last thing he got to scream at me.

Yeah what's up with that? It must be their child mentality or something. I used to cop it totally out of the blue, unprovoked.

It just goes to show that they are the lowest form of pond scum on the planet!

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I just remembered something.

We had a fight on the way to my brothers wedding, he was driving. He pulled over and got out of the car - we had driven only a short distance down the road from our house - the wedding was an hour away. He got out and said he was going home, furious. I was angry as well, and had to get into the drivers seat - it was all in front of the kids - the twins were 6 months old, the other two just 5 and just 7. I drove us to the wedding - the older two were flower girls. I had been up half the night trying to get everything organised, all the kids clothes and clothes for overnight, nappies, etc packing everything, finally getting my own clothes organised, and his. I also had gotten up overnight to the twins. In the morning he had left to go rowing with my brother and the best man, etc as a pre-wedding jaunt for the boys - but hadn't told me he had committed to it - he had told me he would look after the kids so I could go to the hairdressers. At the last minute he said, no he's going rowing, so I had to take the 4 kids with me to the hairdressers.

In the car he had turned around and asked one of the girls 'so have you got your golden slippers packed?' and D7 (at the time) had responded .... 'I don't know'. And I just flipped - I said ' I'm the one that has organised everything and packed everything, of course they have their slippers packed!'... he screamed something at me about it being my brothers wedding and that he had to go rowing, and it's my brothers wedding - like it was all my fault that I had to go to the hairdressers with 4 kids... or something or other...

He got out of the car and started walking back up the hill.

He later turned up at the rental house where my family was staying, near the wedding just as we were all leaving for the wedding. He wasn't dressed - I had his suit in my car. He was lucky he turned up when he did, otherwise he wouldn't have had a suit (it used to be my father's old suit).

At the wedding, he ignored me.... when it was family photo time, I went to him saying it's family photos... and he said 'am I a part of your family, am I?' in front of some women - his best friends wife and another woman from the surf club who rowed boats. (a woman I now suspect he was having an affair with).

Ugh flash back, Ugh.

Sorry.

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He sounds controlling, are you still with him now? Why?

(I'm not going to ~beat around the bush~ here ..... You have to weigh these things up IMO .... Why are you still with him/what is the pay off for you, honestly?)

D

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My X left me behind a few times, but not as dangerously as you ladies.

One time (ok, more than once.) he left me at church and drove home without saying a word.

He would get jealous of me talking with other people and really just wanted me to walk out as soon as the service was over.

The weird thing was my response was to "cover" for him. I knew he was wrong, but I was afraid to let anyone know what happened.

I wonder why I couldn't just say to someone, "My H is acting like an donkey and left me her without telling me he was leaving."

Instead, I would look all over for him, look for the car and when I realized I was left behind, I'd make up some excuse to have a friend drop me at home.

When I got home, I was in "make up" mode and afraid to upset him...even though he was clearly in the wrong, I apologized...every time.

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Hey Disco!!!!! Good to see you!!!! Shalimar & her abuser are history... It think for quite some time now.

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Hey Disco!!!!! Good to see you!!!! Shalimar & her abuser are history... It think for quite some time now.

Ta, have not been around these parts for a while :) Oh good news then, Chinacat, very good news, I'm happy for her! :nature-smiley-001:

D

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Is this behaviour part of The Abuser's Handbook? Anyone got similar stories?

Grrrrr yes!!

This is one of the questions i asked when i'd only been on this board around a month, when i was just starting to realise Tanti's unusual personality traits weren't that at all but rather tactics, used by all abusers to maintain the upper hand.

The first time he did this in a major way was when we were OS. He also gave me the "fvck off" and disappeared into the crowd at Grand Central Station in New York. At that point in the relationship i was still trusting enough to let him keep the money and maps so all i had was a few dollars.

I waited around ten minutes in the same spot, the station was packed and i couldn't see him anywhere, i remember thinking, God, he's not coming back, how am i going to get back to the hotel? Then i noticed an information booth at the far end of the station, i thought i'll go over there and get a map, i probably had enough money for a ticket back.

When i got nearer to the information booth, there he was, behind the booth just watching me panic. I said to him "what are you doing here, couldn't you see i was worried" he responded "you weren't in any trouble, i could see you". :angry: Then proceeded to walk so fast i had to almost run to keep up with him.

The second time he went OS by himself, he was going to his country of origin, where he could speak the language and i couldn't and we would have been staying with his relatives, i would have been completely dependant on him. No thanks!

This last trip he also adopted a similar tactic, we were walking down the street and i noticed a laneway that looked like it might lead to somewhere interesting so i stopped and said "how about we go down here", he responded "yeah, well, i'm going this way", and kept walking. This gave me the option of either tagging after him like a little puppy or going where i wanted and being separated for the day.

After a few "puppies" i decided i'd flown 22 hours to be here, i was going to see what i wanted to see, i had money, maps and a train ticket and was in one of the safest countries in the world so next time he did it, i didn't follow him i went and had a look at what i wanted to and was having a lovely time when he caught up with me, all red faced and pissed off, around 40 minutes later. He was probably walking for about 20 minutes before he even realised i wasn't behind him.

Always seems to save this behaviour for when we are in areas that i'm not familiar with, doesn't pull it here because he knows it wouldn't bother me. <_<

Bounce :cheeky-smiley-005:

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Hey Disco!!!!! Good to see you!!!! Shalimar & her abuser are history... It think for quite some time now.

Yep - we separated for the last and final time on Halloween last year - I've got 10 days to go before the big party. He was ejected from my house with some assistance from the police.

I didn't join this wonderful place until after we split so never got feedback on his behaviour when we were together.

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Happened to me too.

In the middle of a big city for an imagined slight.

I also got the silent treatment for about a week.

I will NEVER have that happen to me again!!!

Joanne

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Okay....here's the weird thing...and it bothers me a little bit...

I KNOW my H has done this to me in the past...i KNOW it....but for some reason, I just can't remember it. Heck! I don't even know if it happened once, or a few times....all I know, is, I start getting the beginnings of a shadowy memory, and then it's gone!

I don't know if that's bse I really HAVE forgotten, or whether the incidents are SO traumatic to me that I've blocked the memories out!

*shivers*

AuslanGirl :wub:

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He sounds controlling, are you still with him now? Why?

(I'm not going to ~beat around the bush~ here ..... You have to weigh these things up IMO .... Why are you still with him/what is the pay off for you, honestly?)

D

I never speak up about anything but this really got to me. I know these questions are important, but I feel if shalimar or anyone else was/is still in, dont you think these questions have already been asked...All abusers are controlling and we all have to get to that point that we actually have the stregnth to act on a plan. All people are doing on this thread is sharing their experiences and trying to be a SUPPORT, for eachother.

I'm sorry Disco, but I dont think that was nessasary. I know if I shared my experience (which I do have some) and I saw your post, I would feel like you were judging me. So I'm glad I didnt post anything here. I am still in so the way you sound to me is like your saying "what is your problem, why are you still in) Not one of us is the same but we all share the life of an abused woman/man and should respect the fact that not all of us are out and that it is VERY hard to feel judged. These questions that you asked are normal but usually they are worded so that there is some understanding along with them. I know I need to feel understood even if I'm not. Linny is a good example, she does not understand why its so hard for me to get out, as she has not been in an abusive relationship, but never makes me or anyone on this forum feel like less of a person.

I am sorry if I took this the wrong way, and I'm not trying to be a beoch. But I was going to post some of my experiences and then when I read your comment I decided not to because I am still in and I dont have an answer to your questions.

I have never done this (spoke my mind) before and I really hope that its not going to back fire on me. My intentions are not to put you down I just wanted to let it be known that I felt like a big dummy after seeing your comment. Again I'm sorry for being such an insecure person, that I would feel this way. I know its probably just me, and that others may not feel the same way. I just for some reason was struck by what you said. :unsure::wub:

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Okay....here's the weird thing...and it bothers me a little bit...

I KNOW my H has done this to me in the past...i KNOW it....but for some reason, I just can't remember it. Heck! I don't even know if it happened once, or a few times....all I know, is, I start getting the beginnings of a shadowy memory, and then it's gone!

I don't know if that's bse I really HAVE forgotten, or whether the incidents are SO traumatic to me that I've blocked the memories out!

*shivers*

AuslanGirl :wub:

AuslanGirl,

I know I have exactly the same thing. I get bits and then they fade.

I am certain of at least 2 incidences at church because I was reminded of them by my friend who drove me home.

I also remember one incidence before that, the first time it happened, probably because I panicked.

But mostly I have very thoroughly blocked it out. Maybe because...it's so bizarre, it "couldn't" have really happened.

Or, if it had happened, why the H3ll didn't I leave right then?????

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Here are my 'abandoned' stories:

We were at a bar dancing and having a great time... lots of fun. A single female friend of ours was also there. Of course she was checking out the single men, so her and I were talking about her 'options.' Out of the blue my ex said 'I think it's time we go our separate ways.' I said - where did that come from?!?! And he replied - Why don't you just go and play with all of your internet friends. Then he got up and walked out. I few minutes later I went after him in the car of course and found him walking home. Looking back... he was basically throwing a tantrum because he we were talking about other guys... not ALL the attention was on him.

We were at a bar in a tiny town where our cabin was on the 4th of July. There was an old guy there who was an aquaintance and he was going to walk down the street to a different bar. So my ex said he would walk him down there to make sure he made it safely, then would come right back. Well - he never came back. After about an hour I decided to go to the other bar to look for him. He was there having a great time dancing with other girls. He didn't care that I was at the other bar waiting for him... he just cared that he was having fun!

On Valentine's Day there was a huge wind storm that came through our town and knocked the power out. When I got home from work I could not get in the house because the garage door didn't work (since the power was out) and I didn't have a house key with me. So I called my ex from a gas station (before I had a cell phone, even tho he had one) to see if he was close by and could go to the house and unlock it. He said he was about 5 miles out of town but would try to get there and unlock it. I sat there for about 2 hours before I saw him drive by and I finally called him again. He said he had unlocked the house a few minutes after I called him the first time. I asked why he didn't let me know it was unlocked (the house was only about 1 miles from where I was and he could have called back or stopped by easily to tell me). Not to mention... he could have stopped when he just drove by! He just said he figured I was having fun talking to people at the gas station. WTF?!?!?

If I would have done any of these things to him I would have paid dearly for it!!

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Similar experiences here. My ex kicked me out of the car once and I had to walk home. He always threatened to kick me out of the car as well. And I also remember having to take a taxi once, though I dont remember what happened. Stuff like that just happened so often. The car was a place he could abuse me at will and did frequently. Before we'd barely left the driveway he'd start something, and if I said, "Turn around and take me home," so I wouldnt be left to being turtured by him the entire time, he would refuse and then use that for ammunition too, how selfish I was to want to go back home now. He also had this habit or losing himself when we'd go somewhere. I remember so many shopping trips him just disappearing for half an hour or longer. I'd search the normal MAN places like sporting goods, men's clothing etc...and he was nowhere to be found. To this day I have no clue where he hid himself so I couldnt find him. Then he'd suddenly pop up out of nowhere to my angry reaction, "Where the heck were you? I've been looking everywhere for you." And he'd grunt at me in a manner he had that said, I dont give a fvck what you think. You're not even worth a response. But yeah, it's something these guys do to keep the upper hand for sure, in some manner or another. But imagine what would have happened if we had done anything like that to them? Scares me to think about it. Well, honestly the most violent he ever got with me was when I was out doing something without him, so I know WHY it scares me, and why I never did it after that.

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Ok...I have to tell of my abandonedment stories.

1) many times starting from back as a kid I would be at a party with him and naturally he would get drunk off his feet. I am a very shy quiet person and do not like being around people I dont know by myself. He never kept me in mind, he would just leave me in a room full of strangers until I found the gutts to go looking for him and then he'd do it again... :angry::unsure: Sometimes I'd even have guys hit on me, which made me even more uncofortable. Heck, now that I think about it, that same things happened not to long ago with someone from his "LOVELY" family. :wacko:

:think: Thinking..........you can help anytime Linny. :1:

2) We were going to meet up with a bunch of friends at some resteraunt for supper, it was about this time of year so it got dark early and was cold out. For some reason we started arguing and I decided I didnt want to go. He ended up stopping the car and "gently" let me out and drove off. I started walking for home (on a very dark, country road ) I remember I was scared and crying while a few cars drove by, not like I had alot of room to walk with the woods on one side of me and the cars on the other. Finally he came back and drove me home in a not so nice kind of way ( Linny was home visiting ) when we got home ...oh my, I'm not liking what I'm remembering :7: For some STUPID reason I was in the back of his truck and he stepped hard on the gas and then on the brake which sent me flying. :cry_smile:

I never forgot that but I never described it in words before either, wow I dont like this. :rolleyes sad:

I'm done thinking for now... :ohmmmmm: maybe later.

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Well, I'll tell ya Lis, I have pages and pages of stuff I wrote about my abuse, cause it seems like the memories open like windows then shut again, and you don't remember. Our minds protect us in this way. It's a coping mechanism, but at the same time, it keeps us in because we 'forget' the horror of the unacceptable things they did. But I kept records so if I was weak I could read them, not to mention all the documentation I did here and at the other place as I was going through my seperation and divorce. It's a good thing to write these things down so your mind won't 'forget' or rather 'bury the evidence' as mine did and still does. I rarely think about the abuse anymore, but it is still there lurking in the back of my mind. I get triggered and then BOOM there it is in all it's glorious ungliness reminding me. And at the same time, even now, I think wow, that was really awful, seems like it came out of a movie or something, because again, my mind is coping with it in a weird way I guess. But yeah, I know it all really happened.

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Oh yeah - not just me then. Thanks guys - needed a bit if validation.

Disco - I get the why thing - now i'm out it seems so easy. I've spent a year working in why - traumatic bonding, stockholm syndrome. learned helplessness etc.

Bottom line is why do we stay or take so long to get out? Bl00dy good question.

Disco - I get the hard question and it needs to be asked.

Lis - It doesn't matter in here - we support each other no matter what.

So Lis - when your ready darlin' xxx

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