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Naiomi

Husband's tasteless jokes

13 posts in this topic

Hi

My husband has a bad habit of telling racist jokes, which he thinks are hilarious. I don't and have told him so.

This morning he told a derogatory joke about the people who are suffering from floods in Pakistan. I said to him that I don't find the joke funny.

After a few minutes, I said to him that I don't like those sort of jokes and would he mind not telling them to me, as it isn't fair on those poor people and I just imagine what an awful time they must be going through. Before I got to the end of my sentence, he shouted:-

"OK THEN, DON'T LECTURE ME' and "I WILL NEVER EVER TELL YOU ANY MORE JOKES AGAIN, IT IT JUST A JOKE" (indicating I have no sense of humour).

I replied and said I had asked him nicely, I didn't appreciate a response like that.

I can't even speak my mind. It is crazy. I know I'm editing what I say to him because I thought twice about requesting that he doesn't tell racist jokes, but I asked anyway.

I'm starting to feel that horrible stress ball in my stomach agaiin.

/hugs

Naioimi

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This is typical, to say something callous and expect you to praise them for it. He probably will target you with this kind of hateful speech (NOT jokes) more when he knows it bothers you. It will do no good to ask him to act decent around you, he will keep choosing to be an a-hole. Can you try to disengage, pull the "boring as possible" act?

I'm sorry you're living with this.

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I'm starting to feel that horrible stress ball in my stomach agaiin.

Not good.

I don't blame you for objecting. There is nothing remotely funny about the situation those poor people are in. I think that he can joke and find it funny shows he has little or any empathy or compassion.

I know you say it would be very difficult for you to leave but seems to me that staying is going to be increasingly difficult. Your H is who he is and even his modified behaviour is still abusive and lacking in anything resembling consideration. Even without the abuse aspect he is selfish and does not appear to contribute his fair share to the family.

Have you ever talked to the local DV people to explore what options you may have?

How long do you think you can deal with living like this before it impacts on your health?

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You guys are not coming from the same 'place' it seems to me, atleast on this point. And that could very well be OK .... but ....

I imagine this is not just a ~one of~.

What other areas do you disagree on? And how do you both handle that/ & what is the outcome of that, or how do those disagreements generally go and end up?

D

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"I WILL NEVER EVER TELL YOU ANY MORE JOKES AGAIN, IT IT JUST A JOKE"

Typical abuser offensive tactic to take a reasonable request and reframe your request into "something that only a fool would agree with" (in this case he's reframed your objection from 'that particular joke was objectionable to me' into 'ALL jokes are objectionable to me'

goes with:

Ok I'll never ever touch you again then! - (I find groping objectionable is changed to All physical touch from you is objectionable)

Ok I'll never talk to you again! (I find insults and constant criticism objectionable is changed to All communication from you is objectionable)

....and probably 100's of other versions too - so watch out for this very unoriginal ploy in other interactions you have with him Naiomi.

It's one of the more pathetic tools in their arsenal.

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I WILL NEVER EVER TELL YOU ANY MORE JOKES AGAIN, IT IT JUST A JOKE

If he can only handle the black and white world?

Tell him 'That's fine! No more jokes from you. I can handle that! Requesting someone to NOT tell jokes of that sort to me isn't 'lecturing'. Its called a request. There is a difference."

Then leave it alone.

I'm the type that would remind the turkey butt of his comment next time he did it - because you know he will. lol that's me though!

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Thanks everyone.

Yes staying is becoming increasingly difficult and I'm questioning this relationship again - as I have done, for about half of the time I have been with him?

Apart from my kids, I should never have married him. Too late now.

However, I must deal with the situation I am in at present. I wondered today, if I could just up and leave and rent a place near my brother's house, about 70 miles away. I would have to get a job down there, so there would be alot of planning. A new job, new house, uprooting the kids from their dad all in one go. I don't know, it seems like too much to deal with. The alternative would be to rent a house near here but then I would feel too close to him and his family. I feel they would just keep annoying me to go back and that I would crumble under the pressure. I would also worry about him turning up randomly, whereas 70 miles away I would feel safer.

To consistantly have these thoughts about leaving, every 3 or 4 months isn't doing my health any good whatsoever. I just end up so stressed. I know I cannot continue down this path in the long run. It is all just so bloomin difficult.

Oh and yes - the comments he made to me, about me not being able to take a joke - or being 'less than'. I've heard it all before. 'What the f is wrong with you'. 'Your a psycho'. 'You have got to be f ing kidding me'. I'm just a target for his inflated ego unfortunately.

Disco - You asked how we handle disagreements. Good question. To put it bluntly, there is no compromise if there is a disagreement. It is his way and if I try to put my point across, he puts me down. Later he will probably apologise and all will be forgotten his end. However, I still have all his poisonous words still going around in my head. Not fun :(

/hugs

Naiomi

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"To consistantly have these thoughts about leaving, every 3 or 4 months isn't doing my health any good whatsoever."

I don't agree with this. I think he and his putdowns and racist jokes he expects you to laugh at are what is bad for your health. I think it's VERY HEALTHY to dream of your escape plan and your future without him.

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Typical abuser offensive tactic to take a reasonable request and reframe your request into "something that only a fool would agree with" (in this case he's reframed your objection from 'that particular joke was objectionable to me' into 'ALL jokes are objectionable to me'

goes with:

Ok I'll never ever touch you again then! - (I find groping objectionable is changed to All physical touch from you is objectionable)

Ok I'll never talk to you again! (I find insults and constant criticism objectionable is changed to All communication from you is objectionable)

....and probably 100's of other versions too - so watch out for this very unoriginal ploy in other interactions you have with him Naiomi.

It's one of the more pathetic tools in their arsenal.

I forgot about this! It is SO true!

when we first started to date, we were teenagers:

in my case "Honey, the girls at McDonalds think you're hitting on them when you tease and joke with them so obviously interested in them. I know you think you're just being friendly but trust me on this, GIRLS interpret that behavior differently than you're intending it. It humiliates me, can you try to tone it down when we go in there?"

"FINE, I wont talk to them ANYMORE, I'll be mean to them."

Me, "um...you don't have to be mean to them, you can just, ya know? be normal friendly with them?"

"NO, its either one way or the other, I'll be mean to them now if thats what you want."

He's done this hordes of other times, that physical groping one too, the joke one like from the OP. OMG he's ALWAYS been this way.

"can you cut down on your internet game time?" (we have mutual friends that we've been friends with for a long time on there, a married couple in Nevada that we chat with on voice-skype and everything, I even chat with them still while he plays with them even though I quit the game)

his response: "FINE, I'll just quit altogether!"

"no, you don't have to quit, just can you try to cut down and only allow yourself to play for like 1 hour a day?"

"NO, I'll just quit entirely if you don't want me playing anymore"

or the funnier ones:

"When you wash the clothes can you pick up the laundry that you drop on the basement floor as you get it out of the chute? Try to catch all the clothes, I don't like the laundry just lying on the floor down there behind the washing machine, sometimes I don't find certain articles of clothing until the next week when I do laundry if you don't pick it up when it falls back there."

"FINE! I won't do laundry anymore!"

me *thinks thats VERY convenient since that was the first time you'd done it in like...three years!*

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It is either their way, or none at all - so very true.

(Naiomi)"To consistantly have these thoughts about leaving, every 3 or 4 months isn't doing my health any good whatsoever."

(Ceeking) I don't agree with this. I think he and his putdowns and racist jokes he expects you to laugh at are what is bad for your health. I think it's VERY HEALTHY to dream of your escape plan and your future without him.

Thanks Ceeking - you are right, that is a better way of looking at the situation.

/hugs

Naiomi

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Noob,

OMG how are we so gullible??? seeing you write it all out like that - makes me squirm to think of how many years I was taken in by this.

How do we get suckered into this childish madness? It seems so obvious to me NOW and yet there we were/are trying to persuade them, plead with them that no we don't really want them to be (to use one of your examples Noob) 'mean to girls 100% of the time etc.' or naomi's 'to stop telling jokes altogether' Trying our earnest best to not be 'misunderstood' by them - hoping we can find some way so that they will 'believe' iin the 'reasonableness' of our request.

They know darn fine that our request is reasonable on the first hearing. They're just dodging the issue.

It's just ridiculous. I blame my mother for her pollyana "everyone means well" outlook that she raised me with. Be nice and the world will be nice back. No mom, actually - not always. I also blame my in born logical personality which looks for the logic behind everything - when someone shoulda told me people don't always base their actions and words on logic and reason and fairness. what is that? 'pathological naivety'? to be taken in by it time and again? or "pathological denial"? we refuse to accept what's screaming in out faces that these guys just don't give a phoey about us?

Naoimi I hope you see this ridiculous childish manoever for what it is .

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seriously bix....do you know how long I tried to reason with him that one can be friendly but not flirtatious and you didn't have to be MEAN to someone to not flirt with them? The hours of my life I wasted because I didn't realize I was banging my head against a wall?

Now I'm like "Grow up and learn how to act like an adult? Does that work for you? Adults are friendly every day all the time without flirting, you can figure it out! I promise you can! And if you don't, we'll get a divorce."

Him "you're always threatening to leave me now!"

Me: "No, I'm establishing a boundary and letting you know the consequences of your actions."

This is the conversation we have more regularly these days.

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Him "you're always threatening to leave me now!"

Me: "No, I'm establishing a boundary and letting you know the consequences of your actions."

Yeah but even so Noob- it's just a variation on the same theme. and you're still jumping through hoops to explain the obvious - (when I promise you he fully and totally understands aaaalll of it - he just wants to dodge it - confuse the issue and keep you 'busy'. busy busy busy with him him him. He doens't give a rats a*s about your 'stupid' boundaries.

Arghhh!!!!- Is it possible to DIE from TEDIUM. It's unbearable for me to watch you jump through these hoops Noob.

Sorry for the semi hijack naiomi - but as you can see, your thread subject touches a raw nerve with some us!!!

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