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Jenichelle

Is it possible to fall back in love?

24 posts in this topic

I'm hoping someone can understand the way Im feeling, because I feel very alone.  I'm wondering if it's possible for me to fall in love with my husband again.  I do love him and care very much for him. But the attraction I once felt towards him is worlds away. It's lost in the memories from the time when he was the person I trusted to never harm me. But over time he proved me wrong and has actually hurt me more than anyone I've ever known both physically and more so emotionally. I had been humiliated and deprived of my self worth for 6 years.  Long story short,( as I posted back in February my full story) in October he became violent again one night physically and verbally and wanting a divorce.  Something clicked at that moment in my mind and I realized I didn't have to deal with this anymore!  I told him I couldn't beg him to stay with me anymore and I felt sadness but more so a weight lifted off my shoulders. Of course things wouldn't be that simple.  He immediately agreed to go to counselling which I had been wanting him to do for a long time.  He has not been physically mean to me since counselling. He still plays mind games with me, but I guess not as hatefully as he used to.  I find it hard to take him seriously and have no respect for him.  I feel horrible most days because I feel like I'm not helping him become a better person by not opening up to him.  I'm pretty much unable to be physically involved with him. I can't kiss him the way he wants, just little pecks before we leave for work or go to bed at night.  I've thought back on it though, and my loss of physical attraction to him happened long before his last blow up in October.   He says that he does everything the way I've always wanted it and yet Im not happy. He's obviously frustrated that I won't let him get close to me.  He says we are perfectly happy other than that.  I think sometimes that maybe we should split up and move on. Maybe there is too much damage to just work things our together?  But, as quicky as I think of leaving, I think of how much I love him and care for him.  It's a nightmare to be stuck in this. I feel like I'm never moving forward, just stuck in this confusion.  I honestly can't imagine living the rest of my life without him in it.  We also have our 18 month old son together who I can't imagine not seeing every day. He's my world.

I haven't gone to see a counselor of my own yet.  I just found one but waiting on approval from my insurance to go.  Just wondering if it's normal for me to not be in love with my husband anymore. Is it possible to fall in love with him again? (sorry in advance for possible typos, I'm using my cell phone to post this....)

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Find a domestic violence specialist for therapy. Don't settle for anything less! Also have you found a DV support group in real life? These groups are LIFESAVERS for bringing clarity and strength to your brain when its too muddled to figure out which way is up! LIFESAVERS!

Have you called the hotlines? There are numbers somewhere around here. Don't go to just "any" counselor, you need one who is experienced in DV, its a lot more complicated and the mind games and the stuff they do covertly is something ONLY DV people know to recognize. They're also more experienced in understanding the threat you're living with.

Have you taken the Mosaic threat assessment? Its in the linked resources at the top of this main forum.

I remember you! You joined like the same week I did! I'm glad you came back! I wondered about you every now and then!

do you WANT to "love" him again? And more interesting but maybe not as important, do you think "love" is the right word for what you felt toward him? or was it passion? excitement? lust? I dunno. I guess that leads to a more interesting concept about what love is. I'm personally a fan of more mild less exciting but expressive love these days.

I don't consider sex love. I consider someone treating me with respect day in and day out. Picking up their dirty clothes, helping me with the chores, being kind to me, not manipulating me, not telling me what to do, not telling me what to say, not telling me when to go or stay, not telling me I CANNOT go if I want to go. Someone who praises and encourages me, not someone who criticizes every single thing I do and constantly tells me what I'm doing wrong and how I can improve it. Someone who is just kind and considerate. Someone who is enjoyable to live with day in and day out because they make my life EASIER and more pleasant not HARDER and miserable.

So was LOVE ever present in my marriage?

bix posted this awhile back:

JH%201%20Corinthians%2013.jpg

That was NEVER and still is NOT the marriage that I have.

Maybe you exhibited these qualities, but did HE EVER exhibit these qualities? Is he capable of that? If the answer is "no" do you WANT to be attached forever to man who is incapable of love?

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Do this threat assessment for your situation, it helps bring clarity to the brain, it REALLY does. You need to know the truth about your situation before you make longterm decisions.

http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.p...amp;#entry68258

and also, the hotlines, please find a DV therapist/counselor. Going to a non-DV specialist for counseling can actually be DANGEROUS!

http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php?showforum=35

And trust your gut instincts, what are your instincts and your gut feelings saying about this marriage? Don't ignore it. We're conditioned to ignore our own feelings and our own fears when we're in abusive relationships. Try to learn to listen to it more, and re-awaken your awareness to these natural instincts and do what you KNOW is the right thing for you to do. Not what you think you SHOULD try to do, or what you feel socially responsible to do. Listen to your gut feeling. What is it telling you right now?

Be safe.

I'm glad you came back!

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He's obviously frustrated that I won't let him get close to me.

Oh. He's frustrated is he?? :sick:

One of the biggest red flags to me is when a guy says he's changed and then gets mad or frustrated because his partner can't see it or respond to it. And then he pressures her. <_<

He's frustrated because you won't let him get close to you....WHO is he thinking about? You or him?

Who are YOU thinking about...You or him? (your post is all about him and almost nothing about you and your dreams and desires :( :( :( )

He still plays mind games with you? Nice. <_<

You see...to me...THIS is changed. ---> "I would do anything to go back and change what I did to you but I realize some things cannot be undone. I can only begin to understand everything you feel towards me (hurt and anger etc) and I do not blame you.

I cannot expect in any way for you to forgive me and to forget. What I did is unforgivable and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I will do whatever you want. If you need time, I will give you all the time you need. If you need space, I will give you all the space you need. If you want a divorce I will give you a divorce and I will support you and the baby in every way that you need."

NOT..."Look, baby. I've done everything you wanted me to do. (sure...I still get off on head games but WTF...no ones perfect) and now you gotta do something for me.

We'd be perfectly happy if you weren't so distant and cold. So it's really up to you to get over it, get with the program and get in bed."

Of course it's normal not to love someone who has hurt you SO much!!! You say he has hurt you more than anyone. I hear you.

What is NOT normal is hurting, humiliating and harming your wife. That is NOT normal and you owe him nothing.

The vows were smashed to smithereens.

6 years is a long time and you get very used to that other person. I was in 24 years, out 10 months. He was like a second skin on me...

Leaving and changing your life is hard but you are selling yourself so short right now.

Have you ever thought of a separation to see how it feels to breathe fresh clean and free air? :)

I would be tempted to ask him for a separation...(I asked my X for a break and he left me)Tell him you need a break...You need space. If he gets mad...he is thinking of HIMSELF and not you.

It is all about him.

I already know this about him anyway from your post.

There was a woman who used to post who had 5 children...one a 6 month old baby. She was in an abusive relationship but her husband really seemed to have changed. He was sorry and he worked hard...though he still had a few tendencies when he was stressed. But he was changed. We could all see it and she still left him. She knew no matter what, she could never totally let down her guard and trust him ever again.

LISTEN. TO. YOUR. GUT.

((((((( Jenichelle )))))))

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No, in the beginning our love was love. Or atleast I thought so. It was never just about being physical or having sex. I felt safe with him and protected. We enjoyed eachothers company and could talk about anything and everything. Until about 8 months later, possibly after the new wore off for him, he began the cycles of abuse. It started out as mind games and emotional abuse which I had never experienced before so I didn't really understand or recoginize that I was in an abusive relationship. When I say fall in love maybe I'm meaning more so feeling like this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment I could ask him to do a back flip for me and he would. It's just unbelievable how he is trying to be a much kinder person towards me but Im not really accepting it. I know it's because I don't feel like I can trust him yet and as I said earlier I have no respect for him. I do love him in that I care what happens to him and how he feels. I know the whole sex thing is a huge issue for him though. He's not happy and constantly reminds me how long it's been and talks to his friends about it which is so embarrassing! I do know that verse from Corinthians and I feel that I had always treated him with all thise qualities to the best of my ability. And no he has not.

Thanks for posting the info. The counselor I found does specialize in domestic violence. I'm hoping she will be someone helpful in helping me to either move on with him or without him. My husband is nervous about me going because he doesn't want me to make the choice to leave. He says that he will never treat me the way he has in the past again and that we just need to move on from it all. If he means what he says and will never treat me those ways again then I guess he is right that we can't dwell on the pain. Though I do need to talk to a professional before I could ever put any of it in the past. Some things that happened even six years ago still feel like yesterday to me. He just doesn't understand that.

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Yes Sylvia, the mind games still continue to his benefit. Like last night he gave me a speech about how he would wait for me as long as I needed. That he understands what he did was wrong and that it will take time for me to trust him enough to let him get close to me. Then maybe 15 minutes later he tells me , "just don't get cheated on." my response to that was " go ahead!" (sure would make my choice a lot easier! So he got upset and said "just like that you can leave me that easily. You don't love me anymore.". What happened to the guy that had just given me the speech about waiting for me and giving me time? He's not used to this side of me yet. He says I'm doing an "eye for an eye" type thing. I tell him that he will never see the hate from me that he has shown. I just don't play the games anymore. Not that I wanted to before anyway.

I have mentioned a separation to see if it would help us decide if we should stay together. But, he never actually leaves. Infact, it turns out that all those times he told me he would leave me he never meant it. (so he says) he says all I had to do was to tell him I didn't care if he left and he would have begged for me back and never left. So of course the blame is on me because if I had stood up for myself the first time it would have solved everything. I tell him that I always told him he was hurting me and to please stop. Shouldn't that have been enough? I just have a hard time letting these things go. He looks at me with love and reassurance that we are going to be okay and have a happy healthy family with our son now, but I still see the old him with the hate in his eyes calling me names, breaking my things, threatening me, pushing me, making fun of me in front of his family and friends, throwing things at me, etc.

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Yes Sylvia, the mind games still continue to his benefit. Like last night he gave me a speech about how he would wait for me as long as I needed. That he understands what he did was wrong and that it will take time for me to trust him enough to let him get close to me. Then maybe 15 minutes later he tells me , "just don't get cheated on." my response to that was " go ahead!" (sure would make my choice a lot easier! So he got upset and said "just like that you can leave me that easily. You don't love me anymore.". What happened to the guy that had just given me the speech about waiting for me and giving me time? He's not used to this side of me yet. He says I'm doing an "eye for an eye" type thing. I tell him that he will never see the hate from me that he has shown. I just don't play the games anymore. Not that I wanted to before anyway.

I have mentioned a separation to see if it would help us decide if we should stay together. But, he never actually leaves. Infact, it turns out that all those times he told me he would leave me he never meant it. (so he says) he says all I had to do was to tell him I didn't care if he left and he would have begged for me back and never left. So of course the blame is on me because if I had stood up for myself the first time it would have solved everything. I tell him that I always told him he was hurting me and to please stop. Shouldn't that have been enough? I just have a hard time letting these things go. He looks at me with love and reassurance that we are going to be okay and have a happy healthy family with our son now, but I still see the old him with the hate in his eyes calling me names, breaking my things, threatening me, pushing me, making fun of me in front of his family and friends, throwing things at me, et

Hi Jenichelle, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm TooLong. I was in for 20 years and have two beautiful children, D16 and S13. I am out almost 2 months now. Oh, I see so much of my marriage in just this post. Like you, I finally got fed up and started standing up for myself. DE (that's Dr. Evil...my husband) sure didn't like that. The stronger I got, the more he scrambled to get me back under control. I heard the I'm giving you space.....but you better not take too long...I'm not waiting around forever. I need to get on with my life. I suggested a separation back in December....just a break to figure out where we were going (I was constantly hearing how he didn't know what he wanted and how I was not meeting his emotional needs). He begged me not to separate then within 2 days it went from him having been a jerk for years to he was a jerk...but it was all my fault. And just like you, then HE started saying he was leaving me all the time and in March, after 4 weeks of torture when I finally said yes, please, he didn't want that...he was just "trying to force a conversation". Then in May when I said I was leaving he begged, pleaded, promised to do all kinds of things if I wouldn't go....but it was still just as much my fault.....and if I DID go, then he was moving on....no time to wait to give me the space I needed...and he did....within three weeks of me leaving with the kids (and saying to give me the summer and then we would see if we could repair things), he was already on a dating site and saying he wanted nothing to do with me.

These folks are just desparate to keep control...have things on their terms and when we dare to slip out, if they can't get us back under their thumb, then it is time to move on to someone they can....and heck, this is after 20 years together. Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" I highly recommend it. He describes how they go back and forth between nice and nasty trying to get you to stay and get back where they want things.....those techniques always worked before.

Can you love him again? Only you know for yourself, but as some of the others have said, do you want to? Is there too much past hurt to ever feel the same? And is he really changing? I have heard people here say theirs could go for months trying to reel them back in and as soon as they were secure again they were right back to the same behaviors. See that counselor. I am still waiting for one that specialized in DV. Good luck and listen to your gut....more than your heart. Your true instincts are more accurate.

TooLong

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No, in the beginning our love was love. Or atleast I thought so. It was never just about being physical or having sex. I felt safe with him and protected. We enjoyed eachothers company and could talk about anything and everything. Until about 8 months later, possibly after the new wore off for him, he began the cycles of abuse. It started out as mind games and emotional abuse which I had never experienced before so I didn't really understand or recoginize that I was in an abusive relationship. When I say fall in love maybe I'm meaning more so feeling like this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment I could ask him to do a back flip for me and he would. It's just unbelievable how he is trying to be a much kinder person towards me but Im not really accepting it. I know it's because I don't feel like I can trust him yet and as I said earlier I have no respect for him. I do love him in that I care what happens to him and how he feels. I know the whole sex thing is a huge issue for him though. He's not happy and constantly reminds me how long it's been and talks to his friends about it which is so embarrassing! I do know that verse from Corinthians and I feel that I had always treated him with all thise qualities to the best of my ability. And no he has not.

Thanks for posting the info. The counselor I found does specialize in domestic violence. I'm hoping she will be someone helpful in helping me to either move on with him or without him. My husband is nervous about me going because he doesn't want me to make the choice to leave. He says that he will never treat me the way he has in the past again and that we just need to move on from it all. If he means what he says and will never treat me those ways again then I guess he is right that we can't dwell on the pain. Though I do need to talk to a professional before I could ever put any of it in the past. Some things that happened even six years ago still feel like yesterday to me. He just doesn't understand that.

YOU need to learn more about abuse. This paragraph showed several forms of abuse already.

He's embarrassing you by talking to his friends about no sex, why? To pressure you into doing it for him sooner. CONTROL and he's HURTING you to CONTROL YOU (he knows what he's doing! and he's doing it on purpose. he's HURTING YOU ON PURPOSE!)

He's doesn't want you to go to counseling because he doesn't want you to leave him? CONTROL and he's HURTING you to CONTROL you!

He's constantly reminding you that he's not happy without sex? Oh, because he's an abusive dickhead, I feel SO SORRY that he's not gotten sex out of someone that he's hurt SO BADLY in the past! He should be groveling, ask you what you need from HIM, asking you how he can help you? Ask you HOW LONG YOU need to wait before you trust him again? IF HE LOVED YOU HE'D WAIT FOR YOU WITHOUT TRYING TO RUSH OR HURT YOU IN THE PROCESS!!!!

He's STILL ABUSING YOU and STILL putting HIS NEEDS AND HIS DESIRES BEFORE YOU!! Because you exist FOR HIM!

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that? ????get it. read it.

Your man is still abusive. Do you want to be in love with someone who hurts you and doesn't value your feelings, your rights as an individual to make individual decisions?

A healthy relationship is one you can walk away from AT ANY TIME for NO REASON (except that you WANT to leave) and not be punished for it.

I didn't understand that til I started to study this stuff.

I screamed at my husband on the way home from court six months ago and told him we WERE DONE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW if he didn't let me say "I'm leaving you" without responding "I'm taking the kids and will sue you forever and ever for no visitation rights, you'll NEVER see your kids again!" Because thats what he's told me for 3-4 years.

So he said it for me, it was hard for him and it was probably a lie. But I needed to hear him tell me "You can leave, and I won't try to hurt you or punish you or take the kids."

I made him repeat it to me several times as well. Will it actually be the case when we divorce? Probably not, I have full confidence that he'll make good on his previous threats. But damnit I liked to hear him say "You can leave whenever you want and I won't try to take the kids away from you." Not even sure why, but I wanted to hear him say I could leave and he wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

EDIT: something else thats brought up over and over again here, so what if they do change? So what if they never act that way like they did before. If YOU still want to leave, you can leave! And you have EVERY RIGHT to leave!

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Yes Sylvia, the mind games still continue to his benefit. Like last night he gave me a speech about how he would wait for me as long as I needed. That he understands what he did was wrong and that it will take time for me to trust him enough to let him get close to me. Then maybe 15 minutes later he tells me , "just don't get cheated on." my response to that was " go ahead!" (sure would make my choice a lot easier! So he got upset and said "just like that you can leave me that easily. You don't love me anymore.". What happened to the guy that had just given me the speech about waiting for me and giving me time? He's not used to this side of me yet. He says I'm doing an "eye for an eye" type thing. I tell him that he will never see the hate from me that he has shown. I just don't play the games anymore. Not that I wanted to before anyway.

I have mentioned a separation to see if it would help us decide if we should stay together. But, he never actually leaves. Infact, it turns out that all those times he told me he would leave me he never meant it. (so he says) he says all I had to do was to tell him I didn't care if he left and he would have begged for me back and never left. So of course the blame is on me because if I had stood up for myself the first time it would have solved everything. I tell him that I always told him he was hurting me and to please stop. Shouldn't that have been enough? I just have a hard time letting these things go. He looks at me with love and reassurance that we are going to be okay and have a happy healthy family with our son now, but I still see the old him with the hate in his eyes calling me names, breaking my things, threatening me, pushing me, making fun of me in front of his family and friends, throwing things at me, et

Hi Jenichelle, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm TooLong. I was in for 20 years and have two beautiful children, D16 and S13. I am out almost 2 months now. Oh, I see so much of my marriage in just this post. Like you, I finally got fed up and started standing up for myself. DE (that's Dr. Evil...my husband) sure didn't like that. The stronger I got, the more he scrambled to get me back under control. I heard the I'm giving you space.....but you better not take too long...I'm not waiting around forever. I need to get on with my life. I suggested a separation back in December....just a break to figure out where we were going (I was constantly hearing how he didn't know what he wanted and how I was not meeting his emotional needs). He begged me not to separate then within 2 days it went from him having been a jerk for years to he was a jerk...but it was all my fault. And just like you, then HE started saying he was leaving me all the time and in March, after 4 weeks of torture when I finally said yes, please, he didn't want that...he was just "trying to force a conversation". Then in May when I said I was leaving he begged, pleaded, promised to do all kinds of things if I wouldn't go....but it was still just as much my fault.....and if I DID go, then he was moving on....no time to wait to give me the space I needed...and he did....within three weeks of me leaving with the kids (and saying to give me the summer and then we would see if we could repair things), he was already on a dating site and saying he wanted nothing to do with me.

These folks are just desparate to keep control...have things on their terms and when we dare to slip out, if they can't get us back under their thumb, then it is time to move on to someone they can....and heck, this is after 20 years together. Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" I highly recommend it. He describes how they go back and forth between nice and nasty trying to get you to stay and get back where they want things.....those techniques always worked before.

Can you love him again? Only you know for yourself, but as some of the others have said, do you want to? Is there too much past hurt to ever feel the same? And is he really changing? I have heard people here say theirs could go for months trying to reel them back in and as soon as they were secure again they were right back to the same behaviors. See that counselor. I am still waiting for one that specialized in DV. Good luck and listen to your gut....more than your heart. Your true instincts are more accurate.

TooLong

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Welcome back Jenichelle.

That is an excellent question. Ask yourself first can you ever trust him again? IMO I don't think it's possible to get those first feelings of love and attraction back once the trust has been destroyed. Ask yourself why should you trust someone who has repeatedly, intentionally hurt you? Why should you feel attraction towards someone who does not respect you? Here he has demonstrated that he does not respect you regardless of his claims of changing.....

"He's not happy and constantly reminds me how long it's been and talks to his friends about it which is so embarrassing! "

Also here with his pressuring you to make up your mind and threatening you with cheating, tells me he has not changed...

"Like last night he gave me a speech about how he would wait for me as long as I needed. That he understands what he did was wrong and that it will take time for me to trust him enough to let him get close to me. Then maybe 15 minutes later he tells me , "just don't get cheated on.""

My impression is right now he just wants sex and that is his motivation behind his willing to do "anything" for you. Right now he will TELL you anything but as far as long term change...no.

I think your lack of attraction towards him and not wanting sex with him is normal in an abusive relationship. I think it's something most of us have experienced. I also think it's healthy. I mean why should you engage in an act that requires the highest level of trust with someone who has proven to you is not trustworthy?

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 He says we are perfectly happy other than that. ...

Just on this -

Notice how he speaks for you BOTH there <_< It's just how these types operate - it's ALL abut them and YOU should be all about them too! There is no "you" in that "we" - to him "we" = "HIM". What he is really stating here is that HE is perfectly happy other than that. Get it? Honey, this is a guy who is still not considering you AND he is trying to convince you that everything will be OK with your relationship if only YOU with do/be X, Y & Z. So selfish and self-centered. He destroys the relationship with HIS abuse and HE is unhappy, eh? <_< Where is his new-found understanding of what he has put YOU through and the after effects of this on YOU then, eh? Not only that, but he is trying to guilt trip you back into submission with his 'woe-is-me' tales! Please, see this for what it really is - more manipulation. He has not changed - this guy has just changed his tactics on you - and if this new set of tactics does not work on you? Oh boy, I fear you had better watch out!

Oh and sure, he is going through the motions now with the counseling, to keep you there, it's manipulation. It's to keep you placated, which is the wrong reason, and it won't stick because he has not changed (only his methods have changed to suit). So, I can almost guarantee you that at some point he will flip out again, I'm sorry, but I have to be honest. Yours is like my X in that he has been physical - and that is no easy thing to change long term - that would need a complete personality overhaul! IMO you are living with a living-breathing-tick-tocking-abusive-time-bomb, set to go off at any given moment. I think he will go off when he can see that you are really not coming to the party and his new set of 'tools' have failed on you. I think he will ignite when he realises that and has had a complete gut full of that. When that happens he will likely explode in a major way. :(

Look, I've been physically and verbally abused, and had gone back to the X who did that to me, infact, I went back a number of times to him, but my deep fears, my anger, even my bitterness towards him, and all the rest of the horrid after effects of the abuse remained. My walls were up and I was protecting myself after all. It all never really went away for me and I don't think it ever could whilst I remained with him really, all things considered - I have struggled enough with the memories/flashbacks/physical and mental ailments badly enough for years even after I left him, let alone having him in my space on a daily basis since! Oh yes, I tried and tried my hardest to forget it all, shelve it at the time, especially when he was being extra well behaved and especially nice to me for longer periods of time - but I was just trying to fool myself, it was not really working - I could not deny the truth and bury all my fears. And my fears always came true with him, at some point the abuse always came back. Furthermore, it's natural to be on your guard from then on in with someone of that ilk after they have seriously abused you, it's like you even sleep with one eye open on them. You become suspicious and jaded by natural default. I think it's a very sad and miserable existence actually, now that I look back on that time I had with him, I never truly relaxed with him in truth, and like you, I had lost the trust and the respect. Oh and I loved him, but in essence 'IT' was gone Baby, gone.

So, IMO, the choice to stay with/go back to someone who is known to be physically volatile is always a very dangerous choice - dangerous for your health, for your body, for your mind and for your soul (if indeed you believe you have one). On every level it is dangerous. If you have a child or children, well of course it's dangerous for them too - something you really need to give some deep thought and consideration to also. I know the choice to walk away is not an easy one, it took me years and years (many of us here did) to make the final break, so we get that, but I don't know of anyone who made that choice then regretted it down the track - not one single person ... that really says something I think. :think:

Take care,

:wub: D

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I honestly can't imagine living the rest of my life without him in it.

IMHO this is where you are setting yourSELF up.....

can you IMAGINE living the rest of your life with abuse? covert, overt, physical, emotional, financial, sexual? whatever form abuse takes?

ONE DAY AT A TIME is the only way to 'break' an addiction

instead of imagining yourself without him for the rest of your life, imagine a day of peace, not walking on eggshells, FREEDOM from abuse....one day turns into two, two into three etc.

EVEN IF HE is in counseling, doesn't sound like HE is serious about changing......sounds like HE is going to appease you and to keep YOU hooked in to the relationship.....

AND even if HE is going to make changes, THIS CAN TAKE YEARS......how many more YEARS are you willing to give to HIM? how much more of your LIFE, which you are entitled to live happy, joyous and free, are you willing to SACRIFICE for someONE who is clearly very self centred?

THIS IS YOUR LIFE darling, you only get ONE go round....

how do you see yourSELF (and your darling little one) LIVING?

in PEACE AND HARMONY?

or in a WAR ZONE?

*HUGS*

MG :nature-smiley-001:

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Yes, Too Long, that is how I feel! As soon as we have a separation he will think it's time to look for someone new. He is constantly asking me how much time it's going to take me to get over these things. His counselor tells him that it's not healthy for him to have to "wait for me". Yes, I know she says this because Ive gone with him a couple times. So, I don't really feel like I have much time to feel better or make a choice because it's out of my hands now anyways. My honest answer is I don't know that I will ever get over any of it. Something else his counselor does is helps him find the reasoning for his actions. She talks to him about the neglet and abuse his parents showed towards him and she says his anger is a release of his anxiety. She says it's not okay to be mean (obviously) and tells him ways to control his anger. The problem with this is that when we talk about when Ill be over these things and be able to move forward in our healthy relationship sometimes I will bring up a situation and explain to him why I am still upset by it. Like, remember that time you were so mad at me you did this...I'm not able to move past it yet. Then he will try to say "well imagine living your whole childhood in that situation". Sorry, but Im not going to sit and try to relate the abuse he has shown me to his. That seems so warped to share stories of abuse with your abuser. My goodness!

Yes, I know I'm the only one who can make the choice to leave or stay. My hearts just not in it anymore to want to feel close to him romantically anymore. That died years ago. I just didn't really notice because I never cared about myself enough to mind. Sad but true. Mostly because like everyone else, I always thought it was my fault and that I deserved it.

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...

EDIT: something else thats brought up over and over again here, so what if they do change? So what if they never act that way like they did before. If YOU still want to leave, you can leave! And you have EVERY RIGHT to leave!

Yah, but this one has not "changed", he has clearly just "changed" his tactics/methods of control & manipulation (AND he is not even concealing that very well! <_<)

& I agree, you have every right to leave, even if the person has had a complete personality overhaul, everyone has the right to walk right out that door or kick their arss out!

D

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THIS IS YOUR LIFE darling, you only get ONE go round....

...

Exactly, MG!

ONE ... count it ....

X D

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We also have our 18 month old son together

ask yourSELF this honey...

DO YOU want YOUR SON to witness this abuse over and over...??

DO YOU want YOUR SON to see how your H treats you and view this as HOW MEN TREAT WOMEN?

*HUGS*

MG :nature-smiley-001:

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Alright all of these things his counselor are supposedly saying to him(or the things he wants you to believe she is saying) are just justifications to him in his mind for his abusive behavior and IF IF she is really saying them, then it seriously pisses me off. She is not helping him imo, she is enabling him to make excuses and justification for being an abuser.

His saying this.. "well imagine living your whole childhood in that situation" , is his attempt at guilt tripping you for not being more understanding and accepting of his abuse and he's insinuating if he could get over his past abuse you should be able to get over HIS past abuse of you. BULLSHET! Don't fall into that trap. Personally I don't think you should get over it or put it behind you. Those memories and the hurt that goes with them serve a real purpose imo, as a form of self protection, as a reminder that HE IS NOT SAFE! IMO FORGETTING his abuse or putting it in the past would go against self preservation and would open you up and make you vulnerable to be willing to RISK being abused again. NO hold onto those memories, your self preservation is working just fine.

KNOW THIS-HIS ABUSE WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT.

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Hi Jenichelle!

I'm AuslanGirl! Welcome!

I read this whole thread...and...well, sorry to have to be blunt...but, your H is thinking only in terms of what's b/t his legs, and HIS comfort level! Just the fact he's embarrassing you by telling friends about your (non) sex life, is a red flag right there! And for him to have the NERVE to put a time limit on getting over what he did to you? Disgusting!!

And then to say it's all about poor widdle HIM and his childhood...I mean...c'mon!!! LOts of men have had rotten childhoods, but they don't abuse their wives!!!

Read the "signs he has changed" thingy in this forum...that will REALLY put it all into perspective for you! I'd say, it's time to leave the jerk so if he is REALLY serious about changing his ways, he can do it without you there...bse the second you are not around, he just might think about the treasure he's lost...but even then....he needs to change for himself...not for you!!

He WON'T change while you are there....why should he? He hasn't lost you, nor has he reaped the consequences of his action in full.

Hugs, and stay safe, k?

AuslanGirl :wub:

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Ceeking, I really think you are correct! It will never be the same as it was when we first met or before the abuse began. I wish I had understood back then the unhealthy situation I was in. How could it have taken me so long to see it and allow so much damage to be done to my self image. It's a double edge sword though, because if I had left I wouldnt have had my sweet baby boy, so there is no looking back really.

MG, I totally understand what you mean about protecting my son from living in an abusive home. Since he has been going to counselling we have not had any incidents in front of him. If that were the case, I would be gone! That's a promise!

Disco, You are right! I'm not sure how much he has changed if any. He will tell me, "what are you doing? I'm being nice to you now and being everything you always wanted. What do you want? I'll do anything". Anything to make me feel happy again or anything to get me in bed again?

Auslan girl, Its funny how I don't even realize how messed up of a relationship we are in until I hear people say Hey, that's not okay! It is disgusting for him to talk about our sex life with his friends. :( it's embarrasing and just makes more pressure for me to give in. Though it's never going to be the way he wants.

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MG, I totally understand what you mean about protecting my son from living in an abusive home. Since he has been going to counselling we have not had any incidents in front of him. If that were the case, I would be gone! That's a promise!

i understand that your son may not be SEEING any abuse, but HE can feel the tension in the air, he can SENSE your stress, body reactions and he can HEAR the way your H talks to you......

it isn't just about the physical violence honey....it is all the subtle, covert ways an abuser abuses....

*HUGS*

MG :nature-smiley-001:

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It's now up to you to protect your precious son. Even if your husband never lays a hand on him, just witnessing his abuse of you would do tremendous damage and set the example he will emulate in his future relationships, not a good healthy example.

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MG, I hadn't thought of it that way really. You are right, one day at a time.

Everyone is so helpful :) it's gonna take some time to re read these posts and think about my choice. It's so nice being able to talk about the things I've hidden for so long. Almost like a double life..... Thank you everyone.

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Also wanted to add that your son can sense if you are unhappy. Children are very intune to their parents much more than we realize. I'm in agreement with MG on that.

You deserve to be happy and it's ok and understandable why you aren't in your relationship.

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Yes, Too Long, that is how I feel! As soon as we have a separation he will think it's time to look for someone new. He is constantly asking me how much time it's going to take me to get over these things.

This was one of the things that made me realize I was done. Mine said he removed his wedding ring because I has said "obviously I'm not good enough, go find what will make you happy" (something he said to me on several occasions in the past). Apparently what made him happy was the thought of not being married...when I confronted him he said he took it off so if things didn't work out he could get rid of the tan line and indentation so he could find someone new...WTF????? Out of one side of your mouth you say let's work things out but the other you are preparing to meet someone new?? That is how special I am? That is what our 20 years together has meant to you? After that I just felt like I was nothing....thrown aside like an old shoe. If that is how you honestly believe yours feels as well, how does that make YOU feel? Do you want to go on living with someone who will just replace you like he needs a new vacuum because the old one broke? No trying to win you back, no waiting for your to work through the feelings, nothing?

And mine too, kept saying how I needed to make a decision, needed to get past things. And in his mind a month was MORE than enough time. In fact, right after he acknowledged ANY responsibility for his actions he thought he said sorry I shouldn't have done that, so I should not be holding any feelings. I should be happy, horny, and chipper. How their minds work would sure be an interesting book. I would love just one day inside DE's head to understand or at least see, since I doubt we could truly understand, what it is they are thinking, how they justify this stuff to themselves. What would you husband say or do if you said do NOT ask me again how long it will take. I can only work through it on MY timetable and either you can accept it or not. Would he wait or complain? Would he actually drop it and just try to be the best husband he can every day and hope that he is showing you his love? Or would a few days, maybe a week go by and him make another comment about you not moving fast enough.

If he truly is admitting he caused this, then HE has to give YOU the time to work through your feelings ......if he really loves you, not just wants you there, under his rules, then he will wait.

We are all here for you. Keep thinking and reading.

TooLong

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