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ferrier

Unavailable men

31 posts in this topic

If you meet what seems to be a nice man who seems to value you, it is my unprofessional opinion that you are probably not in a healthy place to be able to be able to tell whether he's really a nice man and if the relationship would be healthy. So even if he seems nice, if you can't judge the red flags, and if you have no basis - no barometer within yourself - to trust your feelings, to honor your own boundaries, then there's absolutely no way to tell if the man is actually nice and is actually valuing you.  

It's critical to be able to notice and acknowledge red flags, to be able to recognize and trust one's own feelings, to be able to make healthy assessments. In my unprofessional opinion, it's not likely or possible to actually be able to find or enter into a healthy relationship without those basic building blocks. These are essential basics one cannot really do without.

No one can tell you how long that will take. It's not possible to determine that. 

But here's the thing. Until and unless you actually get healthy yourself in those key factors, it's almost a certainty (in my opinion) that you will not be able to have a healthy relationship. So unless those things are built within you first, the chances of a healthy relationship and healthy family are pretty slim (in my opinion). Until then, you're almost certain to keep repeating a pattern of unhealthy relationships that lead nowhere at best (wasting your life and time, as this one did)...or hurt you more.

So the sooner you start to really dig in and actually develop those things, the sooner you'd be able to move into that direction. However, nobody - not a single person on the planet - can tell you how long that would take. It's entirely up to your own processes.

 

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10 minutes ago, Quaddie said:

But here's the thing. Until and unless you actually get healthy yourself in those key factors, it's almost a certainty (in my opinion) that you will not be able to have a healthy relationship. So unless those things are built within you first, the chances of a healthy relationship and healthy family are pretty slim (in my opinion). Until then, you're almost certain to keep repeating a pattern of unhealthy relationships that lead nowhere at best (wasting your life and time, as this one did)...or hurt you more.

:(:(

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That man was a monkey, grabs the rope, swings to the next tree decides nah so swings back where he was. I’m not an expert by a long shot, I’ve never had a respectful relationship and something I learnt was if you meet someone and they are able to lie to their current partner who would want them. One things for sure if he can do that without any empathy to his current girlfriend he will do that in any relationship. You had a lucky escape 

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10 hours ago, Willow said:

That man was a monkey, grabs the rope, swings to the next tree decides nah so swings back where he was. I’m not an expert by a long shot, I’ve never had a respectful relationship and something I learnt was if you meet someone and they are able to lie to their current partner who would want them. One things for sure if he can do that without any empathy to his current girlfriend he will do that in any relationship. You had a lucky escape 

Thank you Willow 

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Also, you said he treats his current GF well. But he's cheating on her with you. That's not treating her well at all. That's not respecting her at all. You need to "demote" him in your brain. He is way up on a pedestal to you. You need to tell yourself that he IS a cheater. He is cheating on HER and he will cheat on YOU if you were to "win" him. He is not a prize. He is not a catch. He's sleazy and must be quite charming to have 2 women to choose from! You deserve better than him. I don't care how cute, handsome, charming or rich he is. He is NOT a catch. He's a sleazy scumbag. Demote him in your head.

There may be an underlying need to have this guy choose you over the other woman, because you wish your mother had chosen you over her new man. You want someone to put you first. You do deserve that. I know that has to be super painful. I can't imagine the hurt of that rejection. But don't subject yourself to that scenario again with this guy. If the outcome is the same, the original rejection of your mother will come back full force. And this guy is NOT worth it. You DON'T want to "win" him! Let the other poor woman have him and then secretly feel sorry for her that she has to live with a cheater and not even know it. Poor thing! That's how I feel about my X. I feel sorry for any new woman he gets. 

You dated him. You hoped he would break up with his current GF because he told you he would. But he lied to you. He said that to land you and it worked. But time has proven that he's not going to break up with her so, you should end it with him. Throw your head up and say, I wanted to be your GF but since I'm not, I'm off to find someone better. And your truly do deserve someone better. 

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5 hours ago, AZ-home said:

Also, you said he treats his current GF well. But he's cheating on her with you. That's not treating her well at all. That's not respecting her at all. You need to "demote" him in your brain. He is way up on a pedestal to you. You need to tell yourself that he IS a cheater. He is cheating on HER and he will cheat on YOU if you were to "win" him. He is not a prize. He is not a catch. He's sleazy and must be quite charming to have 2 women to choose from! You deserve better than him. I don't care how cute, handsome, charming or rich he is. He is NOT a catch. He's a sleazy scumbag. Demote him in your head.

There may be an underlying need to have this guy choose you over the other woman, because you wish your mother had chosen you over her new man. You want someone to put you first. You do deserve that. I know that has to be super painful. I can't imagine the hurt of that rejection. But don't subject yourself to that scenario again with this guy. If the outcome is the same, the original rejection of your mother will come back full force. And this guy is NOT worth it. You DON'T want to "win" him! Let the other poor woman have him and then secretly feel sorry for her that she has to live with a cheater and not even know it. Poor thing! That's how I feel about my X. I feel sorry for any new woman he gets. 

You dated him. You hoped he would break up with his current GF because he told you he would. But he lied to you. He said that to land you and it worked. But time has proven that he's not going to break up with her so, you should end it with him. Throw your head up and say, I wanted to be your GF but since I'm not, I'm off to find someone better. And your truly do deserve someone better. 

Hi AZ-home I've been thinking about when it all changed. At first I held steadfast that there should be no physical intimacy between us then when I changed my mind it was him that said no. Don't know why your comment made me think about this is the context of him being a bad boyfriend? 

I will try to demote him in my head.

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