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6245

Summarizing what he said

25 posts in this topic

Did anyone else's abusive partner ever ask them to "summarize what they said" when in conversation?  Ex husband used to do this, and I recently went out with a guy who did it.  Needless to say it was the only red flag I needed to end things promptly but It started me wondering if it was normal behavior.

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I haven't met someone who asked me to do this. Perhaps I did it to one of my children on occasion if I wanted to be sure that they were listening when being instructed to do a chore??? They didn't always listen very well. It sounds demeaning to do to a partner. Not great for a child either for that matter.

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I've never had an abuser do that. It seems strange to me.

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Thanks.  It is strange.  Sure I do it at school, with the kids I teach, as a group.  Like I will ask them, where do I want you to put your books, and they will reply as a class. But thats different.  It was patronizing.  He was irritating me anyway so it was the red flag I needed to be sure.   Ex Iused to do crap like that, like, ask me to repeat what he had just said.  This guy was like, "so can you summarize what I just said?"  then afte he said, "oh, wow.  you are a good listener, you weren't kidding when you said that was one of your strong points."  Icky. Needless to say that guy weeded himself out!!

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It's nice when they give you indications early on. I had many single dates for the same reason. 

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It actually wasn't a first date, but it was the final red flag I needed.  He had presented other ones that I was kind of on the fence about and would have called 'yellow' flags.  This one was waving bright red so I'm done. 

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Mr. BS wouldn't ask me to summarize, but he would summarize his own stuff over and over and over and over and over . . . 

It could turn a simple conversation into an hour-long repetitive world salad. :(

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15 minutes ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

Mr. BS wouldn't ask me to summarize, but he would summarize his own stuff over and over and over and over and over . . . 

It could turn a simple conversation into an hour-long repetitive world salad. :(

OMG that is exactly what this nut did.  He just kept going, over and over.  I'm like, "Dude, I heard you, the first time!!"

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Mine kind of did, when getting a "proper apology" out of me. He would say "I want you to understand what you did that upset me. So what did you do wrong? Tell me" and I'd summarize what I thought he was upset about. Usually that would cause him to say "NO! See, you always do this, you are twisting my words and making assumptions and putting words in my mouth!! So repeat this after me...." and then spell out all the things I should be sorry for. And I'd have to repeat it word-for-word until he was happy with it. Also, especially near the end, when I would respond with something like "ok, I see what you are saying," or "I understand" when we were discussing things, he would say "Do you understand? Tell me what you think I'm saying," and I would summarize my understanding of his views, which of course would inevitably be received as more assumption making and jumping to conclusions. Basically I wasn't allowed to have any personal opinions, reflections, interpretations or feelings about what he said, because that was "twisting it". 

 

Good for you for seeing that flag!! It is a real mark of controlling and belittling behaviour in my opinion!

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14 minutes ago, Melinoe said:

Mine kind of did, when getting a "proper apology" out of me. He would say "I want you to understand what you did that upset me. So what did you do wrong? Tell me" and I'd summarize what I thought he was upset about. Usually that would cause him to say "NO! See, you always do this, you are twisting my words and making assumptions and putting words in my mouth!! So repeat this after me...." and then spell out all the things I should be sorry for. And I'd have to repeat it word-for-word until he was happy with it. Also, especially near the end, when I would respond with something like "ok, I see what you are saying," or "I understand" when we were discussing things, he would say "Do you understand? Tell me what you think I'm saying," and I would summarize my understanding of his views, which of course would inevitably be received as more assumption making and jumping to conclusions. Basically I wasn't allowed to have any personal opinions, reflections, interpretations or feelings about what he said, because that was "twisting it". 

 

Good for you for seeing that flag!! It is a real mark of controlling and belittling behaviour in my opinion!

Oh God Melinoe, this is exactly how it was talking to my ex-H.  I would just agree with him to get him to shut up because there was no point in having my own opinion since he never heard it anyway.  This guy it was exactly the same.  I told him I wasn't comfortable with some of his physical desires, and that I might not ever be able to offer him a physical relationship until MUCH later in a dating relationship, which I thought he would see was not compatible with what he wanted.  Instead, he tried to push me and tried all the arguments in the book (this is serious stuff for me, you wouldn't just be a another notch on my bed (nice try!!)) and said he might have to 'go back online' if I wasn't ready.  Subtle threat much?  If you don't sleep with me, I might just have to go back online?  I never had told him we had to be exclusive, in fact, I told him to date others if he wanted to.  I am.  Yikes--help yourself and get back online, cuz I'm out!  This in the same breath that he said he really liked me and didn't normally meet people like me and phrases like, 'before I met you,' etc. etc.  Red flags run!

The other thing is that he would be so overly frugal he once asked me to take a napkin I had used at dinner at his place into the bathroom to dry my hands so that I wouldn't have to use one of the new paper towels in the bathroom.  The horror!  She used my .10 cent paper towel!  Mind you he makes over 101K a year.  And he tried to invite himself over.  He's like, "I've had you over twice, I'd like it if you would have me over."  Then he asked after a hiking date if he could stop at my place to shower instead of driving home in his car all sweaty.  Um...no.  I was not actually offering that you can come to my place, let alone to shower.  

Those two things were the clinchers that he is a no-go.  Just...no.

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33 minutes ago, 6245 said:

Oh God Melinoe, this is exactly how it was talking to my ex-H.  I would just agree with him to get him to shut up because there was no point in having my own opinion since he never heard it anyway.  This guy it was exactly the same.  I told him I wasn't comfortable with some of his physical desires, and that I might not ever be able to offer him a physical relationship until MUCH later in a dating relationship, which I thought he would see was not compatible with what he wanted.  Instead, he tried to push me and tried all the arguments in the book (this is serious stuff for me, you wouldn't just be a another notch on my bed (nice try!!)) and said he might have to 'go back online' if I wasn't ready.  Subtle threat much?  If you don't sleep with me, I might just have to go back online?  I never had told him we had to be exclusive, in fact, I told him to date others if he wanted to.  I am.  Yikes--help yourself and get back online, cuz I'm out!  This in the same breath that he said he really liked me and didn't normally meet people like me and phrases like, 'before I met you,' etc. etc.  Red flags run!

The other thing is that he would be so overly frugal he once asked me to take a napkin I had used at dinner at his place into the bathroom to dry my hands so that I wouldn't have to use one of the new paper towels in the bathroom.  The horror!  She used my .10 cent paper towel!  Mind you he makes over 101K a year.  And he tried to invite himself over.  He's like, "I've had you over twice, I'd like it if you would have me over."  Then he asked after a hiking date if he could stop at my place to shower instead of driving home in his car all sweaty.  Um...no.  I was not actually offering that you can come to my place, let alone to shower.  

Those two things were the clinchers that he is a no-go.  Just...no.

Sounds like it was all about sex for him.

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3 minutes ago, Bennu said:

Sounds like it was all about sex for him.

yep.  Sex and control. But red flags.  all this from a "religious" guy too.  One reason I don't care too much if the guy I end up with is religious anymore, as long as he treats me right.

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Sounds like a psychopath. Really. Be careful in the aftermath, just in case.

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Yes, I don't plan on seeing him in person again.  

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Phew, I am so intensely relieved that you were able to see these flags for what they are, because wow, that kind of total disregard for your comfort level and feelings right from the get-go is bad bad bad!

I got taken in by that with my ex, the "negotiation process" that would result whenever I told him "no" or wanted something different from him. It was the exact same thing as you describe with this guy. He'd start spinning things, and by the end it always transpired that I was actually being surprisingly cruel/irrational/selfish/unreasonable, which was so disappointing since normally I'm so kind, intelligent, and open-minded, yet here I am, refusing to respect his views and find a compromise - so perhaps he had been wrong about me and our entire relationship... Ugghhhh. It took me almost 2 years to see that for what it was, but it was there right from the start as well. I should have seen it and run. So seriously, good on you for recognizing it and being like NOPE.  

It's almost funny how easy it is to see how illogical and pathetically obvious their spin-arguments are, once you see how abuse and manipulation works. Like, he basically told you outright that his sexual desires are more important to him than you are and if you can't give him what he wants, you're no good to him. And that you are simultaneously uniquely, life-alteringly special but also immediately replaceable. What a prince. I hope he and his paper towels are very happy together. 

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35 minutes ago, Melinoe said:

Phew, I am so intensely relieved that you were able to see these flags for what they are, because wow, that kind of total disregard for your comfort level and feelings right from the get-go is bad bad bad!

I got taken in by that with my ex, the "negotiation process" that would result whenever I told him "no" or wanted something different from him. It was the exact same thing as you describe with this guy. He'd start spinning things, and by the end it always transpired that I was actually being surprisingly cruel/irrational/selfish/unreasonable, which was so disappointing since normally I'm so kind, intelligent, and open-minded, yet here I am, refusing to respect his views and find a compromise - so perhaps he had been wrong about me and our entire relationship... Ugghhhh. It took me almost 2 years to see that for what it was, but it was there right from the start as well. I should have seen it and run. So seriously, good on you for recognizing it and being like NOPE.  

It's almost funny how easy it is to see how illogical and pathetically obvious their spin-arguments are, once you see how abuse and manipulation works. Like, he basically told you outright that his sexual desires are more important to him than you are and if you can't give him what he wants, you're no good to him. And that you are simultaneously uniquely, life-alteringly special but also immediately replaceable. What a prince. I hope he and his paper towels are very happy together. 

Ha!!!  I lol'ed at that!  

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My ex was never having a conversation with me, he had already decided the outcome before he spoke - he was merely amusing me to think I might have a valid opinion, feeling but conversations always finished exactly how he planned. Control

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So, just an update.  Because these guys are so predictable. 

So he emailed me and asked me where the miscommunication was in us not being compatible (the reason I gave him) because 'maybe we had a misunderstanding' about what both of us needed.  (read=him: sex; me: not happening). I told him last week I would call him but TBH, didn't take it too seriously.  I didn't want to talk, my weekend got filled up, and then I didn't call him.  It's a fundamental incompatibility. I didn't think he would actually follow up on it though!

So on Sunday, when I didn't call, he emailed me and said, "it pains me to say it but it looks like you didn't keep your word and I can't count on you?" 

Oh, so the response to be expected. Not, "I'm disappointed you didn't call" but a character attack.  :rolleyes:

Not that I care, I Just emailed him back and said, "I understood you perfectly, this is what you said you wanted in a relationship, and I can't provide it so I am pulling back."  I wanted to remind him, he made me summarize it!  LOL!

BULLET.DODGED!

 

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Right on! You're awesome :D 

Ugh, "you didn't keep your word and I can't count on you"? Gross. 

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On 10/8/2017 at 7:40 PM, 6245 said:

Did anyone else's abusive partner ever ask them to "summarize what they said" when in conversation?  Ex husband used to do this, and I recently went out with a guy who did it.  Needless to say it was the only red flag I needed to end things promptly but It started me wondering if it was normal behavior.

Are they asking you to repeat what they said?  My husband does that when he talks to me and thinks I'm not listening. He'll tell me to repeat what he said if I was really paying attention or really cared. If I get something wrong then he gets upset and says I don't listen and I don't care.

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1 hour ago, Melinoe said:

Right on! You're awesome :D 

Ugh, "you didn't keep your word and I can't count on you"? Gross. 

I know, right?  This, after telling me an email ago how much "happiness he felt" and how we had such a special, intense connection.  

You know he was also always commenting on my weight (normal) and how he wouldn't want me to weigh more than him.  Icky.

Blech!!  :o

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15 minutes ago, 6245 said:

I know, right?  This, after telling me an email ago how much "happiness he felt" and how we had such a special, intense connection.  

You know he was also always commenting on my weight (normal) and how he wouldn't want me to weigh more than him.  Icky.

Blech!!  :o

So much blech! You dodged a bullet there indeed. So much entitlement over you, right from the start! 

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On 10/8/2017 at 9:40 PM, 6245 said:

Did anyone else's abusive partner ever ask them to "summarize what they said" when in conversation?  Ex husband used to do this, and I recently went out with a guy who did it.  Needless to say it was the only red flag I needed to end things promptly but It started me wondering if it was normal behavior.

Smart move, that is a huge red flag.  Yes, I have been there as well.  It is a way to make you feel small and to demean you further.  Then once you do, they try and find away around what you said, twisting words, blame shifting or worse.  Just want to say, great job at recognizing and not allowing yourself to end up in another possible abuse situation.  #StandStrong

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47 minutes ago, Shineonme81 said:

Are they asking you to repeat what they said?  My husband does that when he talks to me and thinks I'm not listening. He'll tell me to repeat what he said if I was really paying attention or really cared. If I get something wrong then he gets upset and says I don't listen and I don't care.

Yes, my ex used to say the exact same s***.  

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31 minutes ago, Melinoe said:

So much blech! You dodged a bullet there indeed. So much entitlement over you, right from the start! 

Such a good word, entitlement.  This guy embodied it so very subtly.

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