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I need to break no contact

13 posts in this topic

Our young adult child lives with x and is in college. I provide his health, eye, and dental insurance. In an effort to keep the peace I have just been paying all his medical, dental, and eye bills. I'd rather pay than talk to X. I'm buying my peace and sanity. I feel it is VERY unfair that I rarely get to see my child yet I have to pay all his medical bills. X even goes so far as to mail me the child's bills that come to his house. He let one go to a debt collector, and THEN sent it to me and it was only $15!  REALLY!? Child works! Neither of you can cough up $15?????? They just took a very expensive trip! They could have paid that! This has turned into a simple power/control thing. And now the bills are very very large and I have my own medical bills to pay. I do not have this kind of money at all!  I have drafted a letter to x and tallied up all the bills, including the insurance premiums I pay and all the bill payments I have made so far this year and am going to ask him for half. It's only fair! He might flip out.

I'm scared. I'm very scared of him.

If he doesn't respond or choose to help then I am prepared to get a lawyer and then I might go for all plus lawyer fees. 

I also fear opening the door of communication. I state in the letter that I only wish to discuss this business and nothing personal i.e. "I love you you're the love of my life." And I fear he has been waiting for a nugget from me to unleash years of pent up frustrations towards me. 

Wish me luck. 

 

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Rather than deal with him directly, get an attorney first and have them make contact.  Don't handle this on your own or you'll get sucked into a battle of words which he will use against you.

Do not do this alone...............please!  It may drag out and affect your credit but please do not try to handle this on your own.

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Really? I was afraid a lawyer might really enrage him.

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He's probably going to be enraged by you asking to split your son's medical bills.  Better to have a lawyer deal with him than you.  And if he gets angry, too bad, because your lawyer won't stand for abuse. 

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Go for legal action, that is the safe way to protect yourself.

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Your son is an adult. He needs to pay his bills now or ask you directly for money. Sounds like you will need to say no to him.

In order to remove your fear of what your x will do you need to be prepared for the worst. You need to know you can cope with the worst he can do.  So when he threatens you its not a surprise to you and you have a plan.

Make a decision on what you will do and inform your x, then do what you have said you will do. You are the initiator. Let him react and don't let that change your plan and your actions. His reaction does not control you. 

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Kanga has a really good point. Now would be a good time to start having your son involved in responsibility for his medical care. 

Also this: 

Make a decision on what you will do and inform your x, then do what you have said you will do. You are the initiator. Let him react and don't let that change your plan and your actions. His reaction does not control you. 

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This is all good. I will try using free Legal Aid to help me figure this out. I also like this quote of me basically telling him what I will do and not "asking." I am SO used to asking and pleasing him that even after ALL this time I'm still doing it. This was an eye opener. He can agree or disagree but I will choose my course. Thanks for this kick in the pants. 

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After stewing on this I have decided to sit my son down, present to him his bills and say, "How do you plan to pay these? Let's brainstorm." I will be his assistant in the leg work, staying organized, etc and leave it up to him if he wants to talk to his father about the money. I have paid a lot already and will tell him I can't help much more at this time. I think, given his age, he needs to drive this train for a while and work with his father and I. It's part of growing up. And I stay no contact for now and don't have to involve lawyers yet. Worst case scenerio, x manages to turn my son against me again. Hopefully my son knows I'm living a very humble lifestyle and I simply don't have this kind of money. Wish me luck. 

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Sounds like a good plan. Good luck!

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Kids know that you're not a spendthrift.  When my son was in middle school, my xh complained to his mother and my son about how much he had to pay in child support and stated that "no kid could cost that much." He also claimed I was getting rich off of his child support.  My son told him that I was not rich and that he ought to be glad to support his own kid. 

Admittedly when my son came home from that visit he asked me how much his father was paying in child support. When I showed him what his father paid and that the amount had never been increased since we divorced when my son was 2.5 years old, he told me that it wasn't enough money.

I hope your son can start dealing with his father over medical bills and get you out of the picture in terms of interacting with his father.

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Update: I did exactly what I said I would do (about 3 posts up) and the most unexpected thing happened. Ex paid some of the bills!!!! AND my son is still acting exactly the same toward me. [Happy dance!] I can't believe it. It's the first "nice" thing he's done in years. In fact, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. After I sat my son down for the talk, I waited a few days and asked what his dad said about it. He was he was NOT happy ONE BIT! That's exactly what I thought would happen. I expect he might try to get a lawyer and try to sue me but I don't think he can because his name is not officially involved in this anywhere. This is between my son and myself. My son would have to sue me and if my x suggested that, I'm quite sure he would not go for it. I don't think he (son) wants to jeopardize our relationship like that. And since he is a student I took him to get financial assistance with the hospital portion of the bill and I'm letting him handle that application. So, for now, it's very good news and I didn't have to involve lawyers and piss him off. 

I knew he wouldn't want to help "me." By doing it this way, he was helping his son, which I know he wants to do. And I'm thrilled he didn't pay all of it. Our son needs some responsibility in this, too. He needs a little dose of adulting. Him filling out and submitting that application for financial assistance is a good life lesson. If they will reduce the bill then maybe the 3 of us can chip away at the remainder. 

Meanwhile I'm selling my beloved car (I currently have 2 older cars) to help me pay my own bills. My son knows about this and I hope it shows that I'm not living the high life! Meanwhile his dad has a brand new car and 4 more! 

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Congratulations!  I'm glad to hear it worked out.

I'm sorry you have to sell your car to pay the bills. As an aside, though, in the scheme of life it matters less what it shows in terms of "living a high life" - and more about that you're willing to do things you're not thrilled with in order to achieve a greater goal. But I'm sorry. :-(  I had to sell something I loved in order to gain something I needed after divorcing, too. 

As for lawsuits... well yanno, in order to sue someone, a person has to actually have legal grounds. Without legal grounds for suit, no lawyer would take a case. Also, one would need to pay a lot for the lawyer. So the lawsuit threat is almost assuredly empty posturing. And your son probably wouldn't have legal grounds, either. 

It's always so great when things work out to be much better than what was feared. Someone who used to frequent this forum years ago used to say it like this: "You won't turn into a pumpkin" (if I confronted him about something, if I took a risk about something else, etc.)  Meaning, you won't actually transmorph into some other bad thing, just because it was a scary thing to do. I'm not explaining it well. But that phrase still comes to mind in certain situations. You did it, and you didn't turn into a pumpkin. Yay congrats and well done! 

 

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