• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
gone

Groping

7 posts in this topic

So, he has been overall extremely nice and helpful the last couple of weeks.  His usual patronizing chit chat, but certainly nothing major.  I'm still planning to leave, although at times, I do feel like I'm the irrational one.  Anyways, one of the "little" things he consistently does that I very much dislike, is constantly groping me.  I mean like multiple times an hour, grabbing my boobs, up under my shirt and bra, etc.  he acts like its all a big joke, laughs, etc. I make it clear I don't like it, but he acts like that's part of the joke, too, and to be fair, I've gone along with this crap for 15 years.  

 

I dont know if im trying to poke the bear, looking for some justification during this waiting period, when he's being such a good guy, or if I'm legitimately trying out some boundaries, or what.  To be honest, it's probably mostly the first.  But his response surprised me.  He is genuinely freaked out, says that is something that has been a huge good factor in our marriage all these years, blah blah.  I'm not even sure what to think!  Constant, mindless groping of me is a huge positive factor in our marriage?!  My first thought is, how pathetic and shallow is our marriage that THIS is important, much less huge?  

Am I just spoiling for a fight here?  I realize that I need to keep things calm, in order to stay safe.  I still have a month or so to go before I can leave.  I do not need any violence in the meantime.  And he is truly in the nice phase - working like a dog out in the heat all day, doing homeschool with the kids, doing sweet things for me, etc.  like I said, there is still the regular patronizing and condescending comments, but no violence, no major gaslighting or overtly controlling.  I know I don't want to rock this boat.  But something about this has got my backbone up.  I will just let this go, and give in, to keep the peace and safety, but in reality, groping like that is just another demeaning, controlling behavior, right?  It's not like a vital part of any healthy marriage, right? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello gone,

Groping is a form of sexual abuse, especially if he's doing this without your permission. 

It is a form of control where he is trying to get what he wants from you, and it is also objectifying you as a thing he can use for his own pleasure and not a human being with feelings. The fact that he is doing this so often and treating it like a joke is evidence that this is definitely another form of abuse. That can be some validation to you, as you're waiting to get out, that he's still abusing, even during periods of "nice". He's still finding a way to get something from you. 

It's sick, twisted, and not okay at all.

What do you think would happen if you tell him no?

Would it be worth creating a boundary to protect yourself?

I really hate the thought of him treating you like this, every hour. It's disgusting that he would treat you this way.

My H, too, did this after I started calling him out on his abuse. It was an entitlement he felt he had to touch me without my permission, or he'd just barge into the shower I was taking just to "take a look" and even grope me then. I haven't written any of that here, but it still makes my stomach churn to even think about it. It is sexual abuse, and sexual assault.

I eventually told him he could never touch me like that again. He actually respected it, but that's not very common.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nah, you're right, it is totally gross that he thinks the groping is a great, important part of your marriage, and that he is so willfully clueless about your discomfort about it. It is completely demeaning and controlling and speaks to his outrageous sense of entitlement.

Not healthy at ALL. ANY time your partner touches you in a sexual way, without your consent, and continues to do so when you have clearly said you don't like or want it is sexual assault. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you!  It helps to just know that I'm not overreacting.  I will let it go, because it's obvious it is already starting a ramp-up to escalation with him.   But it is so helpful to hear things called out for what they truly are!  Thank you! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, what they think is positive can be surprising to us. My h also loves to grope, of course I'm sure he wouldn't call it that. He is a lot better since I said something to him about it. 

It use to bother me and now it really bothers me. If I don't tell him I don't want sex, I'm sure he will continue it. I use to complain because he would grope me but wouldn't hug me like he wanted to give me affection. I am at the point now that I don't want even want him to hug me or hold my hand. I am guessing it has to do with the lack of their empathy. They want to please themselves, if groping makes them feel good, they grope, they feel like they have a right to since we are their spouse or significant other. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's definitely abuse, and like WB said, shows you how he objectifies you and thinks of you as just a thing, a belonging, an extension of his own self. It is physical/sexual abuse.

Groping is a huge boundary violation. It shows that they do not consider you to be a person, or that you own your own body, or have rights to it. It is extremely insulting and abusive, imo. It is sexual abuse. 

It is treating you as if you are not a human being with rights over your own body. It is disgustingly degrading and demeaning. And some of them "get off" on the demeaning aspect, too. And the fact that it's their body they get to grope whenever and wherever they want. You're not a person, you are their possession.

Definitely very abusive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The groping is awful.  Mine couldn't hug me or show any affection without his hands ending up on my breasts or crotch.  It made me feel like there was no actual affection in our marriage, and that he would only fake affection for a few minutes to then try to pressure me into sex.  I felt like I had no worth as a person, only as a sex toy.

He was probably being honest when he told you he perceived the groping as a good thing in your marriage.  For them: "makes abuser happy" is supposed to mean "is a good or positive thing." It makes the marriage better (for them), because only their needs matter.  If groping you turned him on and/or made him feel powerful and/or diminished you, he probably experienced it as pleasurable and therefore a good feature of your marriage.  Your marriage was working just the way he wanted, to make him feel good.  Your discomfort was probably either irrelevant or part of the pleasure.

Your perceptions of events in a marriage can be totally different: After I split from X he said that he thought we could get back together.  He said that since we had gone through periods after the births of our kids where we didn't have much sex, we could get over this separation as well.  He made it sound like that time was a noble sacrifice that made our marriage stronger, because that is how he perceived it.  I perceived it very differently.  After each birth, I suffered from vaginal atrophy, which meant any attempt at PIV sex was very painful and would leave me literally with torn and bleeding internal skin.  Because sex was so painful, I did not want intercourse, but he would settle for nothing less.  He raged.  He guilt tripped me, claming I didn't care about his needs.  He constantly threatened to cheat on me, threatened me, once kicked and punched me because I wouldn't have sex.  He accused me of cheating.  He badgered me into sex on a few occasions, which left me bleeding, in pain and crying.  (His only response to my almost silent tears on one occasion was to tell me to stop trying to ruin it for him by guilt tripping him.)  In my perception, that time was the beginning of seeing how abusive and selfish he was and it was the start of the eventual end of our relationship.  He was utterly incapable of empathy or seeing how his behaviour could be negative from my viewpoint.  Like X, I suspect your husband can only see his own point of view.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0